(found this in the other journal-the one meant for no one’s eyes but His. slipping it in quietly here between posts. reference on Abraham-see Genesis 12 & 20. thank you for grace.)
To go anywhere, to do anything, comes in quite a different package than one might expect. and like Abraham, i am afraid and reason with the logic i’ve learned. still, Abraham’s God is my God, and He consistently comes to me. HE comes TO me. even when i do not call on His name.
oh the grace.
i fear and i fall back into the mold. the truth is, Christian, what we really want- is not found in the way we think it is. the thing our hearts are longing for, truly hungering for. instead, what we are settling for is an allusion. but we, of all the ones who should, we don’t believe it. we/i don’t. trust. Him. i am missing joy. i want joy. but i don’t want what it costs. it’s not quite worth it. why?
because i haven’t experienced it yet? it’s promised land, but i want egypt instead? because i don’t know what i’m missing, i’m ok to miss it?
instead, well… see below-all the illusions i want.
all these lovers that call to me, that distract me, that numb the longing that was beginning to awaken. like a sleeping dragon-it’s a bit unpredictable, and too costly. it may cost my Christian fellowship. but not really, i’m much to hard on them. i think too low of them. why do i do that?
what in the world am i talking about?
i’m writing. pretending that i am a writer with something to say. even tho i believe that i can’t possibly say anything that hasn’t already been said, and better i might add. i’m still sitting here pretending to be a writer.
oh my Lord, my heart-it has offended Thee. You are worth much better. i bring it here, honestly here-bearing it all-the shame of it all. trusting in Your love to not fail, Your death to cover, Your life to redeem.
what i need-is YOU.