the contrast of two clock towers – London, England
Those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship; but we who have not yet attained it cannot know this in the same way, and cannot even begin to know it at all except by continuing to obey and finding the first reward of our obedience in our increasing power to desire the ultimate reward. Just in proportion as the desire grows, our fear lest it should be a mercenary desire will die away and finally be recognized as an absurdity. But probably this will not, for most of us, happen in a day; poetry replaces grammar, gospel replaces law, longing transforms obedience, as gradually as the tide lifts a grounded ship.
-C.S. Lewis from “The Weight of Glory”
so we’ve spent some time as a family talking about things. this house. school choices. life choices. about what we lose by staying put, and what we gain. because that’s just it. every choice comes with both losses and gains. the school choices are still in process-one has to move on as he’s entering 6th grade next year. but everyone, everyone, wanted to stay put in this very house.
at that meeting-when i spoke-passion welled up from within and spilled out and the words, they. just. came.
that i’m all in with regards to the ministry. we’re all in.
and i can’t speak for my family-and it doesn’t seem like any of them were in a place of questioning it all anyway- but something has shifted in me. this process of late has culminated with an inner shift.
nothing has changed without, but within poetry is replacing grammar and longing is transforming obedience.
this life we are living is beginning to look like art.
for today, this is where we will stay and do art.
my heart is growing in contentment more consistently.
i’ve always had this problem of pining away for something other than whatever it is that i have. maybe it’s the growing up in a military family where moving was the norm rather than staying put? the thanksgiving lists help refocus my vision. but the restlessness for something other is always there. this Spirit given shift has not removed my restlessness completely-there will always be that this side of heaven as it is heaven that my heart is longing for? but the restlessness that comes from wanting a different picture painted, a different outcome, a different process, and if i really dig deep enough and am honest, the restlessness? it’s restlessness wanting a different me.
i wrote a bit ago that art + no shame = joy.
i have been living ashamed of my art.
ashamed of my home
ashamed of what i do with my time, or don’t do with my time
ashamed of the gospel (i know it is the power of God for those who believe, ….. but still often i am ashamed of it)
ashamed of my writing (the reason i haven’t really told anyone about this blog?)
that grounded ship of shame is being lifted by the tide
and my understanding of art is deepening
and the joy i’ve been running hard after
that traveling joy that Jesus promised could not be taken
it’s not been found in where i thought it would be
the tide rolls it in and deposits it on the shore of my heart as the shame is lifted out.
and so yes, i’m in. all in.
the secondary gains and losses ever present
but with shame lost?