yelling yelling yelling…..FINE!!….AHHHHH!….running feet and the back door slams.
this on the day when sadness is trying to engulf me.
today’s parenting requires more of me than i’ve to give.
sadness is an appropriate response…i think;
there is a large forest fire burning in a mountain community that our family sits on the fringes of. our land and our hearts are just outside of it. sorrow, sadness.
awareness of loved ones bonding together in the midst of their grief-longing to be a friend. such deep awareness at my failure to be a friend in their time of need-is this part of the cost of following You? or am i out of Your will? sorrow, sadness.
i spent part of last night with recovering addicts-sharing a bit of my story that shocked both she and me (she shocked to know it, i shocked to have told it). visions of the past haunting into the night, robbing me of sleep, and closeness with my man. sorrow, sadness.
Then leading a Bible Study-with women who i long, so long for them to KNOW, really KNOW holy Joy, depths of being loved, real satisfaction in their Savior. i who so poorly serve-so poorly communicate. some may choose otherwise. i’ve no power over it. sorrow, sadness.
i had just come to pray-and write. instead i breath out a help prayer, get up and instruct the children to separate outside and pray. One slept in and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. i receive that as my failure-for because of the sadness engulfing me, i too slept in-i did not parent this morning. i know i am not responsible for their choices-i also know what sets the tone for the day and is good for us. there are days when i do it. and it is nice. but today-the sadness is too big.
You are BIGGER than all of this my LORD and my GOD.
Truths trickle in-and begin their cleansing, their settling.
“The Lord is loving towards all He has made……What shall separate from His love? Shall Fire? NO!” (psalms 145 and Romans 8)
“You will show me the path of life, in YOUR PRESENCE is fullness of JOY” (psalms 16)
“If anyone is in Christ, he is a NEW CREATION; old things have passed away; BEHOLD, all things have become new.” (2 corinthians 5)
“Jesus lives…He LIVES! He lives to make intercession for them.” (hebrews 7)
He is making intercession-for all of us-even me, this new creation-who still so poorly serves.
a song….comforting words for the moment-a song of contrasts-reminding me Who You Are.
You are good, You are good when there’s nothing good in me
You are love, You are love on display for all to see
You are light, You are light when the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope You have covered all my sin
You are peace, You are peace when my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy You’re the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life, in You death has lost its sting
Oh, I’m running to Your arms, I’m running to Your arms the riches of Your love will always be enough nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world forever reign
break thru the fog, grant me Power to Grasp* i pray. restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. i long for Your love to truly be enough.
and help me be a mother today.
*see ephesians 1