a difficult call.  the brokenness and complexity of these relationships is beyond me.  i have no idea, i know no conclusions. 

 what they see here is Jesus.  in this place i call home-Jesus lives.  but He is not the answer that they want.  they want what i have…..what i have is Jesus-they don’t want Him. 

 in the midst of it i try to find my place.  when that is too hard i escape into another’s story-i can find my place in someone else’s story.  just not in my own.

 then the song comes-from deep within my soul-playing over and over in my head…just the chorus:

“Tell me, once again, who i am to You, who i am to You.  Tell me, lest i forget, who i am to You,
               i.  Belong.  To.  You.”  (Jason Gray)

This is the question i’m asking…who i am-where is my place.  Jesus invites me to ask Him…to listen to His answer. 

i search it out to hear the whole thing….this line speaks deeply: 
              “if  i’m Your beloved, Lord help me believe it.”

 i glance on my wall and this line speaks deeply:
               “Looking away from all that will distract… to Jesus”

 i open my journal and this quote speaks deeply:
               “Joy is the heart’s harmonious response to the Lord’s song of Love.” –A.W.Tozer

 just the other day i had written in my journal:  “This day with …….. and all my questions and sorrow, what my heart desires most, beyond Your dealing with……or ……..’s salvation- 
                  my hearts desire is to know You in such a way that no one can take away my joy.”

 This search for joy  i’ve been on that Jesus described in John-i’ll write about that one of these days.  it is the story behind the name of this blog.

 but for today
just for today

 this heart that broke and ached and shouted in frustration and confusion.  this heart fully aware of it’s blasphemies past and present.  this heart has been rested with the truth of who i am to YOU, my Jesus. 

 it is a road that is less traveled on i suppose, but it does make all the difference.  Lord help me believe it…. in an hour from now,  when i’ve forgotten so quiclky.  Remind me again. 

 i am Your Beloved. 

 that is my place in this world….in these relationships.  just Your Beloved-and that is all.  i am learning to let that be enough.