so often what comes from deep within my soul, and echoes inside my head is; “i can’t do this”

solve this problem
parent this child
respond to this situation
answer this question
have this conversation
obey this command

but usually i am right in the middle of this and for some reason i’ve not got what it takes to just walk away.

 and so i’m left with only this;  “help!”

 today it was parenting.  and i grew frustrated and raised my voice and lectured….ending with a final crescendo; “UGH!”

 i doubt it was helpful-

 what now. 

 Ann says it well; “ A parent must always self-parent first, self-preach before child teach, because who can bring peace unless they’ve held their own peace?  Christ incarnated in the parent is the only hope of incarnating Christ in the child.” (p.124 One Thousand Gifts)

 i’ve said it this way-every area i am still bound i will pass along.  every area i’ve been freed, i will pass along.  so i’ve engaged with the Spirit on this journey of freedom.  i know my gift to my children is not great parenting methods or wise parenting choices.  no the real gift i offer them and the world is to be healed and made whole.  and then to have healing and wholeness in my marriage.

 sigh…  tho i’ve come so far, there’s still so far to go. 

 and in the meantime-when my girl needs guidance?  when she needs discipline without condemnation?  when she is a girl born from this mother…but not me-she’s her own person?  how do i break thru the fogs and the lies and keep her from treading down the same destructive depression path i trod? 

 i don’t.

 i can only point her to the ONE who is real.  the One who knows her deeply.  the One who declared her worth-with His own life.  i can only PRAY that His Word would break thru and His declaration of her worth and who she is would overshadow all the other messages the world and even her own mother sometimes give her.    

 and i can say ‘i’m sorry’ and hug her a lot……a lot…much more than i currently do. 

 and keep crying out for help.  For He who promised is faithful and He delights in my seeking His help and He delights in helping me. 

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 i used to think this rumbling message from deep within ‘i can’t do this’ was an indication that i was not growing or maturing in Christ.  before i met Christ i felt it was weakness, just like i believed tears were for only the weak.  i used to think that the strong didn’t feel.  the strong were able to do anything, because they weren’t bogged down by feeling.  lies, all lies.  oh the courage it takes to feel!  the courage it takes to be helpless!  the courage it takes to cry!  i have begun to see; the more i know deeply “i can’t do this,” the more mature i become.  because He’s not asking me to be strong enough.  Paul figured that out.  when i am given the glimpse into something that is working-something that worked,  i know from that same deep place- ‘i didn’t do this!’ 

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The storm has passed for the moment.  You have calmed my heart and reminded me of truth.  Please i plead, do that for my sweet girl.  gather her in your arms and hold her close to Your heart…..and please,  gently lead these sheep of yours-including me.

 “He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young.”