in exhaustion i hit my pillow thinking about how i need to write on prayer-very much aware of the days being missed, yet unable to form a thought.  in the past few days i have seen the dark side of chocolate, dark side of humanity and the dark side of my own soul.  coupled with the dark side has been so much beauty. so so much beauty.  the exhaustion comes from the whole of it all.

i breathe out thanks and praise for the bigness of the sky only to wonder if it’s all empty and shallow in my heart.

i groan out pleas and desperate cries for change and hope only to wonder if it’s all just empty and shallow in my heart.

i argue with myself and spin off into the rabbit trails that cause the minutes to tick away and away and away.

there is a very big part of me that just wants to shut my eyes to the whole of the world and the whole of my heart and the fight that it is to know what to say about it all to the One who’s eyes are wide open to both the state of this world and the state of my brain and my soul.

the temptation to just shut the door.  and walk the other way.

sometimes i think i make an idol of figuring things out.   i think prayer is something to figure out, so that it can help me make some sense of the beauty and darkness.

my son asks me a riddle.

“mom, can God make a rock that He can’t lift?”

“Since He can do anything, He can make a rock that He can’t lift.  but since He can do anything, He could lift that rock He can’t lift.”

wait, what?

this.  this is the middle of the wrestle.

i think i’m willing to stay in the tension.

with eyes open, i’ll wait.