For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
He came to her as she meditated on His knitting. He came to her with joy and assurance as her belly grew. as she and her first born looked at all the photos of the stages of a baby being formed-and marveled at His work.
“i wish i wasn’t me” -zeke age 5
what about when the knitting needles missed a stitch along the way and one is left with a broken body?
when your 5 year old is speaking words that sound too much like suicide?
He came to her with His words
“not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord Almighty” -zech 4:6
and He came to her with a song in the dark hours of those hard days
(because He knows how the songs work for her)
the Love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell….
and she believed Him.
and He strengthened her.
and He made her to believe His love was in fact greater and deeper and beyond the body that was broken.
and it never occurred to her
not even once
to pray for healing.
last night it occurred to me, that it had never occurred to me to pray for healing.
and now that it had
would i pray?
knowing all the ways we’ve known His deep and great love
as a result of
this broken body that belongs to zeke?
he’s 11 now.
and weeks before this most recent insight, i was given another.
how of all my children-this one has the most freedom to be fully himself in the presence of others.
and i’ve pondered that for a while-perplexed a bit at how in the world that came to be true? and how in the world can i help my other 2 along the path?
but last night as i listened to the question that formed (inside my head) with it’s accusations; “why did you not ever pray for him to be healed? do you not have faith? even through a year of studying all the ways Jesus healed in the book of Matthew-it didn’t come to mind then. why? what does that say about you? what does that say about your love for your son?”
there are a lot of lies mixed in with doubts mixed in with perplexity at the initial questions. and as i sat there clueless. the piano began to play the familiar words that would come to me all those years ago…
oh Love of God
how great and pure
how measureless and strong….
Who is this God? who hears the thought churning inside my head-that no one else hears? who moves the hands of a pianist to play the very words that my heart understands. words that only He could know would soothe and remind of what is true?
the longer i live, the less answers i have.
but one thing i have come to understand is this
God’s love is real.
and is not expressed in the way that i think so much of the time.
i praise You because zeke is fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
i know that full well.
my frame was not hidden from you
when i was made in the secret place.
all the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! -psalm 139
(please don’t misunderstand, i in no way mean to imply whether or not prayer for healing is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. i still don’t know why we never thought to pray for healing for my zeke, or if we will begin praying for this. it’s not really about that. this post is about being settled -yet again- in the midst of doubt and confusion-and attack. being settled-yet again- into the love of a Father who knows everything.)