Life – Chasing Joy

Category: Life (page 1 of 2)

covid-19 journal: spring snow

April 24, 2020 / mel

I grieve the losses small business in my town are taking

The life altering changes college students are facing

The doctors and nurses and grocery workers and the sacrifices they are daily making

Yet

When the spring snow comes

And 2 boys make plans, calculating their school assignments and class requirements. Fill me in on the way the timing will work, the supplies they need, the adjustment to meals they’d prefer (we want to work till dark, then we’ll come in and eat dinner, we’ll start first thing in the morning and work on school at noon)

And they go out and build an igloo in this perfectly packable 8” of snow?

Oh the joy!

Had we been operating according to our regularly scheduled programming, today would have looked more like a conversation in the car wondering if the snow will still be there when the school day ended.

In Colorado, it hits like a train wreck, but clears away much faster.

but we have been forced home, paving the way for today’s igloo building by 2 brothers soon to be leaving the nest. All the words about all the plans, the engineering decisions, the explanations; “wow zeke that’s brilliant!”, instead of mere imaginations of what could be if the sun could hide some of her strength, are actual reality!

And I wonder

After this is all over

Will we all return to the way things were? Will we have learned and grown more balanced? Will we value relationships over productivity? Will we understand the lifelong benefits of bonding experiences? Will we be open to them when they come, willing to flex and disappoint the powers that be for what really matters in the right now?

These are the questions I ask myself. I lean towards duty bound, loyalty, integrity and strong work ethic. These things are valuable-essentials. Yesterday morning was a duty morning of boys shoveling when they’d rather be warm and still in bed. It’s not an abandoning of that I’m questioning. It’s walking in the nuanced balance of the Holy Spirit who gives strength for the drudgery hard work, and courage for the invited play.

This virus has stretched us all, but when the rubber band snaps back, will we take on our former form, or will our shape have changed from the stretching?

will I remember this day, and have the courage to cancel school myself and allow these boys to stay home and play? The consequences would be steep-for one at the community college and the other well into his high school NHS career.

Would a teacher at the high school have freedom to take the students outside and have a lesson in igloo building because the materials have fallen at his door and won’t last till tomorrow? Would that courageous decision bear more impact than anything he does all year? Would those students remember that day and the lessons they learned for the rest of their lives?

Could that be the new normal we aspire to? A new flexibility. Permission to be human? Valuing the immense learning, bonding, health in perceived play?

It’s hard to say, and is yet another thing out of my control.

But what is in my control is today-to observe, to receive the joy in what has been given to us in the midst of the hard. to write it all down.

A spring snow in the time of corona

covid-19 journal: Repent?

April 9, 2020 / mel

There is a lot of noise mulling around us during this pandemic -so much noise. there are some calling for repentance, still others calling that hateful, Love being the word for these days.

i struggle to understand the contrast.

Are not we guilty of so so many wrongs? wrongs done to our bodies, wrongs done to our world, wrongs done to each other?

Yes, why yes we are. quite guilty.

Does God love us?

Yes, why yes He does. quite a lot in fact.

Why is it that while we know how much in this world is not as it ought to be, we are so easily offended by the proposal of repentance?

The real and actual truth is we can’t possibly know why this pandemic has come at this particular time in history. nor the tornadoes, the floods, the snow storms.

But we can allow the pandemic along with all the rest to make known to us what it can reveal.

And if we are willing to look head on, into what we are being invited to see-we can be changed. relationships can be healed. the earth can be healed. our hearts can be healed.

seeing…

the idols we’ve built up that are now crumbling can turn our hearts back towards the One who alone satisfies.

the places of safety we’ve depended on that are now whisps in the wind can turn our trust back to the One who is solid

the self-sustaining provisions we’ve prided ourselves with that have been ripped out of our hands can turn our identities back to the One who loves to be known through how He provides.

Our worlds of sports, entertainment, and education have been completely upended.

Our blue collar workers, doctors, nurses, grocery store stockers, farmers, pharmacists-these are our new heroes….

….that is until we run out of toilet paper–we are a fickle people after all.

Our futures are completely uncertain, and we are faced with having no control.

Jesus entered Jerusalem to the waving of palm branches. The shouts turned to crucify and all seemed lost. He exited Jerusalem in a resurrected body, turning the entire world upside down.

His message; “repent, for the Kingdom of heaven is at hand.” -It means so much more than one would think.

we are people who are prone to wander, who worship ourselves-again and again and again. But we can also be people who turn back, who repent, who remember to live in the strong and unshakable kingdom of God.

When times are good, and when times are horrible, this is the Spriit’s whisper to us all;

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it….” The amplified says it this way; “In returning [to Me] and resting you will be saved….” echoing this call, Jesus invites: Come unto Me, and I will give you the rest you seek.

The invitation to repent: to turn back: to re-turn: to the Only One who can satisfy all we hunger for-it is the most loving invitation we will ever receive. We must release our grip on temporary things-so our hands can be filled with what cannot be taken.

may we all embrace the repentance being personally called forth from us and by it receive the very Life Jesus promises is available in abundance. may the path of repentance not turn us away, but draw us closer and closer to the One who is worthy.

But whatever former things were gains to me [as I thought then], these things [once regarded as advancements in merit] I have come to consider as loss [absolutely worthless] for the sake of Christ [and the purpose which He has given my life]. But more than that, I count everything as loss compared to the priceless privilege and supreme advantage of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord [and of growing more deeply and thoroughly acquainted with Him—a joy unequaled].

Isaiah 30, Matthew 11, Philippians 3

covid-19 journal: Fear

March 24, 2020 / mel

on the tail end of some very full weeks, while the world is in its beginning stages of talk of this covid virus, we find ourselves seeking rest and refreshment in the mountains during our planned spring break.

mere days before we loaded up our truck and headed for the hills we learned of beginning measures against a new and unknown threat- canceling school an extra week, canceling church services and gatherings of more than 100. our trek to the mountains is to our own cabin, so we keep our plans. for now, we will rest.

and for the first few days it is great rest. we talk a little about the unknown virus, about adjustments of school and wondering what that all means, but we don’t feel anxious or afraid about any of it.

not because we are such faithful people who never are afraid. mostly because the adjustments at this point really aren’t so bad. an extra week off of school and delayed start to baseball season? ok, we can handle that.

and so we build puzzles and play catan and read books by the fire.

and then the clouds roll in. this is Colorado in the spring-our snowiest season. this particular storm brings 12-16” of snow. the sun covers herself in a blanket of cloud and fog envelops the cabin. our truck is stuck in the deep drifts. our solar panels are out there unseen and alone-unable to bring us power from a hidden sun.

this is when the fear; real, physical and tangible, sets in. awakening in a cold cold cabin, wondering-will we run out of firewood? will we run out of food or water? are we really prepared for as long as this will take?

it is all completely out of our control. the storm could pass in a day or 2 and we will be fine. or it could linger longer than we knew to plan for.

the boys, however, are delighted. they bundle up and spend hours upon days building sledding paths, tobogganing, sledding, snowboarding. they come in for food and then head back out. they declare these are the best days ever! they have no idea of the worries we carry-the work to keep the fire fed, the power consumption low, conserve the water. they have no thought that there is anything amiss-even when we explain the need for good stewardship of our resources-they shrug in agreement, cease in leaving the door open letting out the heat, and return to their play.

as I watch their freedom in the midst of the storm i’m struck with their utter trust in my husband and i to be capable of taking care of things and keeping them safe.

wrapped in that cloud, deep calls unto deep as the Spirit directs His whisper to my pounding heart;

where is my trust in the actual One who is capable? The One who has control over the sun and wind and waves? Can i, in the unknown days ahead, entrust myself to His capable hands? will i be mindful of not leaving the doors open, yet with a heart at peace and free to experience the joy still available in the storm?

the pounding subsides, i turn and bank up the fire, receiving the peace His correction ushers in.

i see exhortation for what it is. an invitation to walk these days ahead, wise and mindful yes, but with peace and childlike trust in the One who numbers my days and is with me in the storm.

may the One who knows our bents, enable us to trust in Him one step, one storm, at a time.

breaking thru

February 22, 2020 / mel

feet hit the pavement keeping rhythm with the breath prayer of the day.

” i am my Beloved’s and His desire is for me”
“Abba, i belong to You”
“Jesus, You know”
“be still, He’s knows the stars by name”
“it’s not nothing”

there are certain muscles that continue to need conditioning, my heart and my core. i feel it as i wheeze easier than i should. i feel it as the pain shoots thru my lower back.

my heart muscle and my core are still far from strong.

exercise equals opposition-that’s how the muscles strengthen. i remind myself that this feeling of weakness is representative of the exercise working. if it is easy then nothing is growing.

seeds push thru the soil

muscles push against weight

back in january we gathered as a family to pray in the new decade. we are all in different seasons-one starting high school, one with a new license, one moving out of the teen years into the 20’s, and the two of us at the end of our 40’s. there was so much going around about decades-looking back and looking forward. we recognized big decisions ahead, vocational decisions, relationship decisions, decisions about what habits to kick and which ones to form.

the question we placed before ourselves was this:

“does it help me run”
john piper

there is a race marked out for us, a Captain to fix our eyes on, a cloud of witnesses surrounding us.

the vocation decisions are secondary to the race. as is the gym membership. it all filters thru what is helping me run my race. what is growing me deeper into love for my Savior and obedience to His command. what is breaking through the noise of the american culture, the rocky mountain culture, the familial culture.

excercise is necessary-opposing those heart and core muscles is essential if i want to see growth and lengthening of distance. the training is not my favorite and it takes such effort just to lace up the shoes and walk out the door.

so it goes with my soul

Everything God sends is necessary to train me:
My faith will never grow unless it’s tested.
My commitment will never grow unless it’s threatened.
My patience will never grow unless it’s taxed.
My compassion will never grow unless it’s tapped.
My courage will never grow unless it’s challenged.
Gary glover

the race has always been full of things to overcome. nothing is new under the sun, and the opportunities for breakthrough abound. laying aside entanglements and everything that hinders. committing to the practices and rhythms that bring the resistance needed for gained strength; fasting, feasting, prayer, scripture, community, solitude. openness to seeing weaknesses and entering into the things Jesus sends for targeted training.

step after step, feet hitting the pavement, prayers keeping rhythm with breath. strengthening my heart muscle, strengthening my core

strengthening my soul.

to draw further in: Hebrews 12 and 13

hot cross buns

February 3, 2020 / mel

i have words and sit to write about the narrative running lately thru my mind, heart and days.

but when i come to the keyboard they vanish like birds chirping as they fly away; ‘catch me if you can’

this.

is the state of the blog.

i have been honestly questioning what wisdom there is in putting my journal out in the world rather than simply living among those in my real time and space.

and anyway, lately the journal has been a slow weave. thread upon thread cast onto the story line of my life, yet the shape of what is being made remains a mystery.

the daily obediences, the showing up to where the Lord has me, the not showing up to where the Lord is withholding, the constant wondering if i actually have all that backwords.

and then there is the practical side of being in a season where i am rarely, if ever, alone in my little house-even the writing of this post has met numerous interruptions. if i find myself resenting the life of the people sharing my roof, well is it worth it? if all i can do is start a thought and not finish it, should i even bother attempting to form words that anyone, besides the One who has searched me and knows me, could understand?

but there are some who have said they miss my words. and i have had a desire to commit to the practice of writing again. practice in the sense of a 6th grade violin player moving the bow on the C string again and again and again. then adding in the D for a time. eventually coming out into the kitchen to play for his mom hot cross buns.

i can’t say that i will publish the single notes from the daily writing practice. but the occasional hot cross buns may show up here from time to time.

below is today’s song……

________________________________________________

Evangelism

the snow falls gently. i glance up and out my window to the houses lined up like a row of sleeping children tucked away back when large families shared the same bed.

behind all those doors lie story upon story upon story.

there are names and portions i have come to know. griefs, longings, frustrations, joys, satisfactions, gratitudes.

but that is all. i know my neighbors, yes, but how much have i allowed them to know me? to know my story? to know Who has captured my heart?

~~~~***~~~~

this past weekend, i find myself intentionally seeking to share my heart deeply. it’s not the easiest as i’m socially awkward in large gatherings. i know not how to do the small talk. but dumping the depths of my inner dialog on unsuspecting friends and relatives results in lots of blank stares and people looking for a polite exit.

still, the state of the hearts of those i know matters to me. and i’m tired of just gathering together and acting like it doesn’t. so as i find myself in a rare opportunity to catch up with someone i’ve known longer than most anyone, we have enough time to move past the surface and into deeper waters. just as the moment arrives to dive in, an interruption; a child needing tended takes us off course and we never return. it could be another year before i even see this person again. and another five before real conversation takes place.

~~~~***~~~~

the failures of yesterday’s Sunday gathering pile up, one upon another upon another. cut to the heart, i feel the weight on my chest, heavy. daunting.

there was so much conforming to the patterns of this world, so much peer pressure, so much standing alone and shrinking back.

we can’t unsee what we’ve seen, can’t undo what we’ve done, can’t go back and do what we failed to do.

as i bow in repentance before the One in whom there is no condemnation my heart is still struck with the implications of my sin. we wrestle a bit, He and i. the cost of my forgiveness isn’t lost on me. nor is the cost of my sin.

He sends a bit of fire, coupled with the opportunity to demonstrate repentance before the ones my sin affected the most. “it won’t be wasted,” whispers the One who works all things for good, “remember-nothing ever is.”

~~~~***~~~~

question after question after question fuel the fire- acting as cleansing coals upon these unclean lips:

do i believe what Jesus says about hell?
do i care?
do i see those around me dying and long to ease their suffering?
is He worthy?
are they?
will all this darkness stop the light from getting thru?
is anyone able?

He is

__________________________________________________________

to draw further in: Isaiah 59: 9-21; Luke 4: 14-21; Romans 8; Isaiah 6:1-8; Something Needs to Change by David Platt

pathways

April 26, 2018 / mel

i’ve heard it said; “obedience is the pathway to blessing.”

“blessing” is a tired word, as my children’s 4th grade english teacher would describe it; “a word that has become so overused, it’s lost it’s meaning. it is tired. it needs a rest. we need to find alternative words to use, so that our audience will actually know what we are trying to say. “

i do believe obedience is a pathway, just to something else.

over the years, He’s reveled to me all the ways my obedience has been a pathway to knowing:

knowing the nearness of a Savior whose love does not fail.
knowing the help of a Shepherd who gently leads those with young.
knowing the grip of a Father who never lets go.
knowing the comfort of a Creator whose knowlege knows no bounds.
knowing the safety of a King whose throne is approachable.
knowing the rest of a Spirit who guides.

He’s been inviting me deeper now, the pathway is opening in a way.

///

i want to see.

full of doubt much of the time these days, i have been asking my Shepherd to open my eyes, that i might see Him. it’s a different plea than to know Him.

i want to see miracles
i want to see a generation finally waking up inside *
i want to see evidence of God’s grace**
i want to see the Spirit moving, creating revival
in my church, in my community, in my world
but mostly in my home.

~~~

and He whispers; return to Isaiah, and remember.
and then continue on in obedience, regardless of what outcomes you immediately see
you will know Me there, yes, but you will also see Me there.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn darkness into light before them
and make rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them.

….

Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of His servant?
Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God.

////

i want to feel.

in my reading of the work of the Spirit, i long for the evidence of His work to be felt in my innerman, enabling my obedience when afraid, unsure. continually, i cry out; “i believe you Lord, help me overcome my unbelief.” i think what i’m really saying is; “i want to feel You.”

i want that peace that passes understanding; that comes from complete trust in a Father who holds my tender heart in His hands. regardless of the outcome of being misunderstood. of being rejected. of something painful.

i want that hope that anchors; assuring that my obedience isn’t a waste, accomplishing nothing, isn’t too tainted by my doubts and unbeliefs to really count.

i want that joy that cannot be taken; that exists right alongside every other emotion that lingers while traversing this earth. that gives endurance, even anticipation of what a mighty God can do when powerless and weak vessels avail themselves to His call.

~~~

and He whispers: come to Me and find rest.
and then continue on in obedience, regardless of what the outcomes cause you to immediately feel.
you will know Me there, yes, and you will see Me, but you will also experience Me.

Come unto Me all who are weary and heavy laden.
and I will give you rest.
Take My yoke upon thee and and learn from Me
for I am gentle and humble in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls

…..

The Lord will guide you always;
    he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
    and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
    like a spring whose waters never fail.

///

He gives sight to the blind, i am convinced of that….in general.
He gives joy that cannot be taken. i am conviced of that too….in general.
He makes Himself known, to unworthy followers. again, i am convinced.
but it gets personal, the convincing. appropriated, i am learning,
through my obedience.

to draw further up and further in: *Switchfoot where i belong; **Acts 11 esp verse 23
Mark 8; Isaiah 30: 15-18; 41:16-17; 50:10-11, Matthew 11; Isaiah 58

hope for the hopeless

February 11, 2016 / mel

about an hours drive from here there is a place that offers hope and healing for those facing homelessness and addiction. their newsletters remind me of the possibility, remind me that Jesus Saves. i need to be reminded….often.

in the morning light the sky is grey and cloudy, my little city full of contrasts. the deep red of the train car and the yellow lights of the mini school bus stand against the snow that has become grey and black. the colors of the houses seem muted with the grey empty trees that tower above them. but as i drive further out towards my son’s middle school i get a glimpse of the mountains. those mountains have ministered to my heavy heart before and today is no different. the entire mountain is shadowed and deep blue…but the snow-capped peaks are glowing. somehow the sun is breaking through the clouds just enough to shine on those peaks. my son’s school is only 2 miles from our house which sits right in the middle of town, yet from that vantage point 2 miles out i can see those sun kissed peaks.

my heart is heavy today over someone i have grown to love caught in the web of addiction and homelessness. the small hope from last night has been crushed under the weight of the phone call this morning. getting a glimpse of those peaks as my son and i wait our turn in the drop off line causes me to catch my breath and i quickly call out ‘l love you, have a good day’ as the tears begin their release. half of me has been listening and engaged as i make the pb&j and get my kids out the door, the other half has been in the depths of prayers reminding myself and my God of His sole Ability and Power.

but truth be told, my heart is full of doubts and hopelessness. i begin to listen to the wondering if Jesus is able to save, if He is able to rescue, if hope is even possible? as i drive back home, those peaks begin to be hidden behind the tall ancient trees, i catch glimpses of them only because i now know to look. but by the time i reach home, they are completely hidden from my view. This world is grey and dark, shadows of addiction and sin and a myriad of problems we all know so well hover. but somewhere the Sun is shining on the mountain peaks. whether i can see it or not.

Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.

Because of His great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

to draw further in: Isaiah 40:26; Romans 7:21-8:39; 2 Peter 3:9; Revelation 12:10-11; all the ‘To Him who is Able…” verses.

dominoes

February 9, 2016 / mel

they line them up oh so carefully, pleading with everyone near to “please don’t stomp and keep the dog out!” if they can keep their hands steady, the dominoes snake around and about for a long long way. if it all goes according to plan, one tap on the first tile will bring about delight and wonder. if not, well, they re-position and try again.

my boys love this activity. so much so, one boy bought the other boy a complete set dedicated to just such purposes. no number dots on these ones, just wooden rectangles that can be stacked and wound around for hours on end.

~~~~~~~///~~~~~~~

obedience is like dominoes i think…..except i don’t really believe it. at least when it comes to me and especially the things that are hard to obey. i behave based on what makes sense to me, the problem is the places where my thinking is off. the places i’ve concluded don’t matter, except that they actually do.

remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in…the face of suffering. do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised…we are not of those who shrink back.

i’m talking about all the things. doing the dishes types of things mostly. the lie is it doesn’t matter, the truth is it does. it matters if i show up vulnerable and authentic to a conversation, it matters if i take a deep breath and pray and then pursue my child i just wounded…or my child who just wounded me. it matters if i do the dishes…or don’t depending on the need of the moment. and it matters if i follow my Shepherd into the places He’s calling me.

the tiles -they are strategically placed and tap-taping along. removing myself from the path brings the whole thing to a halt along with the reward of delight and wonder.

i believe You Lord, help me overcome my unbelief!

to draw further in: Hebrews 10, quoted above vs. 32-39; Mark 9:14-24; Hebrews 12

life | the days of the small things

September 22, 2015 / mel

i once tried to explain snow to a little dark skinned girl living on the equator. in that moment i wished my college creative writing teacher had given me that impossible task of searching out words that could adequately explain snow to a child who had no reference point to comprehend it. ‘a snow man is a man who brings the snow? or sells the snow? or takes the snow away?’ ‘cold like ice, but fluffy like cotton?’ giggle giggle giggle; she looked at me with those laughing eyes. how i wanted to just scoop her up and bring her somewhere that she could experience the wonder of snow. then, and only then would she really understand and would my words make sense.

two boys whose houses are only a blocks apart sit at their desks on a random crisp-air filled day. they are to be writing away about what they experienced over their break from school. one is writing away, the other… not so much. the writing one happens to belong to me and i know all about what his words are describing. i was there when his eyes beheld the wonder of a new place traversed and his heart drank deep the joy of long days of freedom at home with no place to go.

‘experienced on my break? go somewhere? something to write? i got suspended from the boys and girls club for punching a 6 year old in the face.’ his feet shuffle and he stares at me with those angry empty eyes. my words are inadequate to describe the wonder of the big world that exists around him. he’s no reference point to comprehend it. how i longed to scoop him up and bring him somewhere where he could experience joy and wonder and freedom.

joy for the one boy and grief for the other flood my soul and i’m unable to tame it. longing for relief, i dream of something to DO. some program, some ministry, some big agenda to fix this.

Who despises the day of small things?

150918_0015

i do.

i discount what i’m already doing. fully aware in the ocean of need all i’ve got to offer is such a small droplet, and i despise it.

as i focus on the inadequacy of my words to describe snow, i lose sight of the fact that there is a little girl on the equator who’s heard there is something in this world called snow. as i focus on the inadequacy of my words and time to describe and reveal life, i lose sight of the fact that there is a little boy in the 4th grade who’s encountered something other, something different than the broken places, noisy screens, and chaos his world encompasses.

140422_0002

when i despise the day of small things, i deny the God of might and power. i forget the Spirit of the LORD Almighty, the Author of space and time* who has the capacity of full comprehension and infinite power. i expect little, instead of trusting Him to accomplish much.** i daydream of bigger impacts, new programs, ministries to the children at my neighborhood school that could accomplish so much more than my weekly hour or two of help with their math and my own boy’s friendship. i dream of making a difference, instead of giving careful thought to the reality of the difference being made by the Captain of my days.

‘Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work.’ For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty…. ‘Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.

-haggai 2:4, zechariah 4:6

my words and work are inadequate in and of themselves. but in the hands of this LORD Almighty?

He brings forth Life

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

*JJ Heller from the song Fully Known **a reverse of the thought in Haggai 1:9

to draw further in: the book of Haggai and Zechariah, especially Zechariah 4 and Revelation 5. my cross references connected Zechariah 4:10 with Revelation 5:6. i don’t claim to comprehend the complexities of these chapters, but i did find them to speak to me on the smallness of a man named zerubbabel, and a people living long ago, coupled with the mighty and mysterious plan of the God of the universe.

life | down paths i fear to see

August 27, 2015 / mel

I said, “Let me walk in the field.”
God said, “No, walk in the town.”
I said, “There are no flowers there.”
He said, “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said, “But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din.”
He wept as He sent me back,
“There is more,” He said, “there is sin.”

…

I pleaded for time to be given.
He said, “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem hard in heaven
to have followed the steps of your Guide.”

I cast one look at the field,
Then set my face to the town.
He said, “My child do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for a crown?”

Then into His hand went mine,
and into my heart came He.
Now i walk with a light Divine,
The path i had feared to see.
-What Christ Said by George MacDonald. 
find the complete poem here

ten years ago i found myself in the middle of packing boxes preparing to move into the tiniest house ever right smack dab in the middle of town instead of the dreamed and worked towards log cabin in the mountains. i remember clearly hearing the Lord’s whisper; “I am answering your prayers” It made no sense at the time for it felt like He was answering my prayers with a big fat NO! still i pondered His whisper in my heart and watched and waited. now, these 10 years later, i can see it. how my deep heart longings and desires for my children and family were answered with a big YES! via a path i would never have known to choose.

the children have grown from toddlers to teens, yet following my Guide down paths i fear to see has remained a consistant theme for me. what i’m beginning to grasp is that these are becoming the very places where He does His best heart work. where He grows us and heals us and frees us. these paths are often neither easy nor comfortable, and at times i’m being led straight into the valley of sorrow unable to comprehend the rivers of joy that await me on the other side.

141011_0001

recently i found myself praying during the long dark hours of the night. unable to sleep with an ache that can only be quieted by the One who knows, i walked circles in the floor and laid my heart bare before my faithful and wise God. daylight came and life continued on as it does, but there was a settling and a watching and a waiting on my capable Father. doors appeared and decisions were made completely unrelated to my late night longings….or so i thought. as far as the eye could see there was no connection between the ordinary goings about in that day and the restless wrestling of the night before.

150625_0003

but the One who governs the sun, moon and stars-He knew. and today i find myself completely amazed at the way He orchestrated such a perfect answer to those prayers that night. i’m in awe at the ways He is responding to the desires and secret petitions of my heart. here again it is on a path where i have said-out loud to other people-that i would not walk. a path i said wasn’t a good fit for our family. today-this particular path-is precisely what our family needed.

what if the thing we think we need will actually prevent our true longings from being fulfilled? what if the things we think will ruin everything will actually give us life?

could it be that some of the places we run away from are the very places that hold the deepest treasures, deepest freedoms, deepest joys?

He’s teaching me to go where He says go, when He says to –not because i understand, or even expect anything but more pain or frustration, or even have any notion of the connection between the latest command and prayer of my heart –no, i go because my Guide can be trusted where He leads, because He is for me, and He knows better how to fulfill my heart longings than my small brain can comprehend.

where is it for you? is there somewhere you are running away from, turning back because what is ahead is a valley of sorrow and you are afraid? confused? take heart! there is a whole cloud of witnesses cheering you on. david was afraid too as he trusted in his God. Abe was confused too when he reasoned that God was able to raise Isaac from the dead. and dear ol’ Paul, through learning, was persuaded that this One he knew and believed was able to keep that which he had committed to Him. and then there is JJ Heller….

He is able. i know Whom i have believed. i will trust.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in

Psalm 37; 2 Timothy 1:12, Genesis 22:5; Hebrews 11:19

Category: Life (page 1 of 2)

covid-19 journal: spring snow

covid-19 journal: Repent?

covid-19 journal: Fear

breaking thru

hot cross buns

Evangelism

pathways

hope for the hopeless

dominoes

life | the days of the small things

life | down paths i fear to see

Recent Posts

Meta