settling – Chasing Joy

Category: settling (page 1 of 4)

breaking thru

February 22, 2020 / mel

feet hit the pavement keeping rhythm with the breath prayer of the day.

” i am my Beloved’s and His desire is for me”
“Abba, i belong to You”
“Jesus, You know”
“be still, He’s knows the stars by name”
“it’s not nothing”

there are certain muscles that continue to need conditioning, my heart and my core. i feel it as i wheeze easier than i should. i feel it as the pain shoots thru my lower back.

my heart muscle and my core are still far from strong.

exercise equals opposition-that’s how the muscles strengthen. i remind myself that this feeling of weakness is representative of the exercise working. if it is easy then nothing is growing.

seeds push thru the soil

muscles push against weight

back in january we gathered as a family to pray in the new decade. we are all in different seasons-one starting high school, one with a new license, one moving out of the teen years into the 20’s, and the two of us at the end of our 40’s. there was so much going around about decades-looking back and looking forward. we recognized big decisions ahead, vocational decisions, relationship decisions, decisions about what habits to kick and which ones to form.

the question we placed before ourselves was this:

“does it help me run”
john piper

there is a race marked out for us, a Captain to fix our eyes on, a cloud of witnesses surrounding us.

the vocation decisions are secondary to the race. as is the gym membership. it all filters thru what is helping me run my race. what is growing me deeper into love for my Savior and obedience to His command. what is breaking through the noise of the american culture, the rocky mountain culture, the familial culture.

excercise is necessary-opposing those heart and core muscles is essential if i want to see growth and lengthening of distance. the training is not my favorite and it takes such effort just to lace up the shoes and walk out the door.

so it goes with my soul

Everything God sends is necessary to train me:
My faith will never grow unless it’s tested.
My commitment will never grow unless it’s threatened.
My patience will never grow unless it’s taxed.
My compassion will never grow unless it’s tapped.
My courage will never grow unless it’s challenged.
Gary glover

the race has always been full of things to overcome. nothing is new under the sun, and the opportunities for breakthrough abound. laying aside entanglements and everything that hinders. committing to the practices and rhythms that bring the resistance needed for gained strength; fasting, feasting, prayer, scripture, community, solitude. openness to seeing weaknesses and entering into the things Jesus sends for targeted training.

step after step, feet hitting the pavement, prayers keeping rhythm with breath. strengthening my heart muscle, strengthening my core

strengthening my soul.

to draw further in: Hebrews 12 and 13

hot cross buns

February 3, 2020 / mel

i have words and sit to write about the narrative running lately thru my mind, heart and days.

but when i come to the keyboard they vanish like birds chirping as they fly away; ‘catch me if you can’

this.

is the state of the blog.

i have been honestly questioning what wisdom there is in putting my journal out in the world rather than simply living among those in my real time and space.

and anyway, lately the journal has been a slow weave. thread upon thread cast onto the story line of my life, yet the shape of what is being made remains a mystery.

the daily obediences, the showing up to where the Lord has me, the not showing up to where the Lord is withholding, the constant wondering if i actually have all that backwords.

and then there is the practical side of being in a season where i am rarely, if ever, alone in my little house-even the writing of this post has met numerous interruptions. if i find myself resenting the life of the people sharing my roof, well is it worth it? if all i can do is start a thought and not finish it, should i even bother attempting to form words that anyone, besides the One who has searched me and knows me, could understand?

but there are some who have said they miss my words. and i have had a desire to commit to the practice of writing again. practice in the sense of a 6th grade violin player moving the bow on the C string again and again and again. then adding in the D for a time. eventually coming out into the kitchen to play for his mom hot cross buns.

i can’t say that i will publish the single notes from the daily writing practice. but the occasional hot cross buns may show up here from time to time.

below is today’s song……

________________________________________________

Evangelism

the snow falls gently. i glance up and out my window to the houses lined up like a row of sleeping children tucked away back when large families shared the same bed.

behind all those doors lie story upon story upon story.

there are names and portions i have come to know. griefs, longings, frustrations, joys, satisfactions, gratitudes.

but that is all. i know my neighbors, yes, but how much have i allowed them to know me? to know my story? to know Who has captured my heart?

~~~~***~~~~

this past weekend, i find myself intentionally seeking to share my heart deeply. it’s not the easiest as i’m socially awkward in large gatherings. i know not how to do the small talk. but dumping the depths of my inner dialog on unsuspecting friends and relatives results in lots of blank stares and people looking for a polite exit.

still, the state of the hearts of those i know matters to me. and i’m tired of just gathering together and acting like it doesn’t. so as i find myself in a rare opportunity to catch up with someone i’ve known longer than most anyone, we have enough time to move past the surface and into deeper waters. just as the moment arrives to dive in, an interruption; a child needing tended takes us off course and we never return. it could be another year before i even see this person again. and another five before real conversation takes place.

~~~~***~~~~

the failures of yesterday’s Sunday gathering pile up, one upon another upon another. cut to the heart, i feel the weight on my chest, heavy. daunting.

there was so much conforming to the patterns of this world, so much peer pressure, so much standing alone and shrinking back.

we can’t unsee what we’ve seen, can’t undo what we’ve done, can’t go back and do what we failed to do.

as i bow in repentance before the One in whom there is no condemnation my heart is still struck with the implications of my sin. we wrestle a bit, He and i. the cost of my forgiveness isn’t lost on me. nor is the cost of my sin.

He sends a bit of fire, coupled with the opportunity to demonstrate repentance before the ones my sin affected the most. “it won’t be wasted,” whispers the One who works all things for good, “remember-nothing ever is.”

~~~~***~~~~

question after question after question fuel the fire- acting as cleansing coals upon these unclean lips:

do i believe what Jesus says about hell?
do i care?
do i see those around me dying and long to ease their suffering?
is He worthy?
are they?
will all this darkness stop the light from getting thru?
is anyone able?

He is

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to draw further in: Isaiah 59: 9-21; Luke 4: 14-21; Romans 8; Isaiah 6:1-8; Something Needs to Change by David Platt

#10yearchallenge

January 19, 2019 / mel

seeing this #10yearchallenge come up around the interwebs got me to thinking back. where was i 10 years ago? how old were my kids? what were we in the midst of?

~~~**~~~

man, that was a rough time

an investment that had gone south, ushering in a financial mess
early stages of journeying with children w/ sensory needs, needing OT, ST, GT, HT, ET*
feeling alone navigating a new way of living

all with 10 years younger kids (3, 5, 9) and self (36)

man, it was a rough time

~~~**~~~

however, from this place of looking back, i have a different view of it all:

all the fissures and gaping wounds, places of seemingly deprivation, lack, and impossible circumstances the 10 years ago me faced;
have been the very vessels
of opening my heart to joy
and equipping us to navigate life with less fear.

with this new perspective, there are some things i would tell my 10 years ago self:

don’t fight so hard to hold onto the things being taken
trust your God, trust yourself and the way He’s leading
don’t be afraid to embrace where He has you and how He leads you tho no one else understands it, believes it, supports it.
hang in there, help is on its way: a new OT, a new church, a title-1 public school.
enjoy walking to the library-even if your children are the only ones who can enjoy it too.
In 10 years you will snap a photo and not realize in the foreground is the very location so much came literally crashing down, but you’ll have forgotten that having been captivated by the beauty of the fog. (see above)

it’s true, He makes beautiful things out of ruin…out of perceived ruin

~~~**~~~

this has me thinking about story. the story we attempt to write for our lives, for our children’s lives. i think we’ve bought into a false representation about what makes a good story. we think having enough money, time, friends, and a little extra for travel makes for a good life. what really is good? when i look back, i see how Jesus has redefined that in me. and as is so many things in HIs Kingdom, it is the opposite of what my upbringing and culture declare.

one last thing i would tell that 36 year old;

all those who seem to be against you? who seem to misunderstand you, who think you’ve lost your mind to live as you do?
they aren’t against you. they want good things for you. it’s just a different definition of good than the One who knows you best and loves you most.

The Author and Perfector of your faith,

it is He who writes the best stories

and He who holds you in the palm of His hand

it’s true, He makes beautiful things out of ruin….out of perceived ruin.

but He knows the way that i take
when He has tested me, i will come forth as gold

*speech therapy, occupational therapy, gymnastice therapy, horse therapy, basically everything therapy

to draw further in; job 23:10 (quoted above), isaiah 35; isaiah 30:15-18; luke 1:46-55

the ministry of being available

November 17, 2016 / mel / 0 Comments

the days are long and the years are short. 18 summers is what we get. with this one we’re down to 6

this one we have 8

but with this one, we’re down to 1

i mentioned recently having only 4 things listed for my daily docket. this is one reason for item number 4; be available for my teen girl.

when summer was winding down and all the fall activity was ramping up, some questions came from both without and within; “have you figured things out? gotten the rest needed? ready to return to work? what is your current ministry?” it was that last question that the Maker of my soul most graciously whispered His answer: the ministry of being available.

-being available for my girl whose schooday ends by 11.

-being available for the friend who needs a bit of time on our couch.

-being available for my boys soccer games and cross country meets.

-being available for the neighbor’s need to chat.

-being available for impromptu trips to see balloons.

-being available for the deep soul work taking place in the wilderness.

-being available for the God of the universe to direct the next step

the wilderness

October 14, 2016 / mel

Elijah was hungry for an experience of divine Presence, and even the public display of God’s power in the fire that consumed the altars of Baal could not fully satisfy that hunger. He had some inkling of where to go to find what he was looking for, and he was willing to walk faithfully and resolutely in that direction.

-Ruth Haley Barton Invitation to Solitude and Silence

i enter the building for the first time this year, my prior absence purposeful. the greetings are warm and expressions of being missed do not carry any subliminal motives or guilt. should i return i will be welcomed back. should i not, care for my person overshadow the real and felt needs that remain.

this is a gift.

i’ve traversed the wilderness before-but before i’d trek in and back out again, in and back out, in and back out. keeping up with obligations that i lacked courage to shed along with real and necessary responsibilities (motherhood sleeps for no man.) this time the invitation has been different. the hunger and longing unable to be satisfied by short trips. i too have an inkling of where to go to find what i’m looking for, the question of willingness answered by my intentional withdrawal from people and places near and dear to my heart.

On top of this willingness to walk away from the peopled places of his life, places that had a bit of definition, Elijah had an even deeper willingness: he was willing to walk into the emptiness of the wilderness in order to find what he was looking for.

-Ruth Haley Barton Invitation to Solitude and Silence

as i’ve traversed this mysterious place, respecting my desire enough to keep walking tho still not having found what i’m looking for, a few things have become clear:

–the altar of ‘definition’ is a strong temptation. living in the unexplainable, undefinable mystery is uncomfortable.

–stating clearly expectations for myself during this time has been life giving. my daily docket has 4 items; walk or run, silence, create needed atmosphere in kitchen/living room, be available for my teen girl. it’s not that this is all that happens, it’s that this is where my primary focus is, the bare necessities if you will, giving me a filter for my inner dialog and external opportunities.

–there is power in patience and courage in support.

-being misunderstood remains a constant companion. recognizing where this is a result of my lack and where this is due to another’s issues makes all the difference. God is dealing with me, He can deal with them in His way and His time.

-the process of deep soul work releases art. In this wilderness, while withdrawn from previous work-some projects have begun to take shape. i’ve given them respect and weight, allowing them to exist without clear definitions. Nothing tangible may come, but my soul will be more alive and that alone is worth it.

–help comes just when i need it by the God in heaven who keeps track of the stars. a chance glance at the library leads to a timely book. a small conversation outside the grocery store, an online course or blog post. the bird call that draws me outside for a needed walk. He knows my frame, and tho i daily flounder, He has not left me alone to find my way.

Elijah walked through the emptiness of the desert for forty days and forty nights until he settled into a cave on the side of Mt. Horeb, and there he waited for a visitation from God. He probably had no idea when, if or how anything even remotely meaningful would happen, but he was willing to stay in the wilderness until it did.

-Ruth Haley Barton Invitation to Solitude and Silence

when i entered that building for the first time this year, i was afraid. i hesitated for a long time when the short request came to fill in for a friend. i was afraid that i would self-sabotage my willingness to stay in the wilderness. but i didn’t. i received the warm welcome and responded in kind. i completed the task-and then i left-not seeking to explain my absence or guiltily volunteering to give more. this was an “now I know that you fear God….” moment. revealing the growth that has been happening underground.

for i still haven’t found what i’m looking for.

and i this time it appears i actually am willing to wait here as a true friend to my soul until i do.

Your true friends will be willing to sit with you in silence not for a week, but for as long as it takes. Your real friends will encourage you to keep talking, crying out to, arguing with God. And when you would be tempted to despair and quit the dance floor, saying that you simply lack the strength or the faith to go on, it is only your real friends who will have the love to leave you all alone with the One who desires, above all, to finish the dance with you.

-Michael Card A Sacred Sorrow

to draw further in: Genesis 22-especially vs. 12; 1 Kings 19:1-19; David Crowder’s Let me Feel you Shine; U2’s Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. ; Need to Breathe’s Through Smoke

learning to rest while choosing to stay

September 11, 2016 / mel

“He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.” -Jim Elliot

the details are long, but the short of it is that we could leave now. the market has shifted in town and this little run down house could be sold for 4 times what we still owe. elementary school has ended for us and the middle school years are just plain hard. especially here. we could retreat. sell this house, and re-locate.

it is true that i need rest. i have responded to the Lord’s invitation into hiddenness with a wholehearted; “i am willing, show me the way.” the danger has been in the timing of the real opportunity to leave it all behind. it would seem logical that if the Lord is inviting me to ‘a solitary place’ that leaving the noise of the city for the quiet of the mountains would be precisely the solution.

except that it’s not…..not exactly.

we didn’t move here to start a ministry. we didn’t even move here to love our neighbors. we moved here in the midst of a real trauma, doing the best we could with what we had. it was the God of the Samaritan who had a ministry in mind for us, a church, a school, and neighbors to love. the only thing that has shifted now is the financial freedom to choose a different location. couldn’t we relocate and love those we’re called to love from afar? put a little distance between us and the constant visible needs of those around us?

the reality is, the reason i have a bus schedule on my fridge to share with the friend sleeping on my couch is because we are familiar with utilizing the city bus. i cannot love well from afar.

it is costly, this way of the Samaritan, this daily dying to self, this obedience. He’s not asking me to stop obeying in order to rest, but into a deeper obedience.

“A decision to release the world and our fate to God runs contrary to everything within and around us. We have been had by a system of behavior that was here before we were and seeps into every pore of our being. “Sin,” Paul tells us, “was in the world,” even before the law came. it forms us internally and pressures us externally. Hence we must learn to choose things that meet with God’s actions of grace to break us out of the system. These things are the disciplines of life in the Spirit, well known from Christian history but much avoided and misunderstood. For those who do not understand our desperate situation, these disciplines look strange or even harmful. But they are absolutely necessary for those who would find rest for their soul in God and not live the distracted existence….solitude and silence are the most radical of the spiritual disciplines…” -Dallas Willard in his forward to Ruth Haley Barton’s Invitation to Solitude and Silence.

what i’m being asked to do is walk the path of entering His rest, of withdrawing by myself to a solitary place, setting aside the needs of those around me for communion with Him….while at the same time moving out with compassion for those who come my way. it’s complicated, it’s messy, it takes discernment to know when to set aside my plan for the day for the need of another and when to shut my door and turn off my phone. it means knowing full well that i am in a season of stepping back from actively serving in order to tend to my soul, yet making a bed up on my couch to ‘provide the poor wanderer with shelter.’

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it’s trusting Him to provide what i most need.

He knows the way that i take. He’s walked this same road of compassion and self-care. He shows me the way. He says there is more for me here in this little house, that it is not finished. i believe it’s more of Him. more of learning the disciplines of life in the Spirit through staying the course, persevering, lifting my eyes up to the hills and remembering where my help comes from. there will be days of retreating up to the mountains for a time but more often there will be days of taking a walk by myself through my neighborhood to pray. i have much to learn and a patient Teacher.

i’ve counted up the cost, oh i’ve counted up the cost…

and You. are. worth it.

-Rend Collective

to draw further in: Matthew 14; Isaiah 58; Hebrews 4

this will do

June 14, 2016 / mel

20160601_150740

sitting on the back porch the welcoming sounds of birds mixes with the edgy sounds of man and machine. windows open mean the sounds will follow me inside-even the bird songs make it through, soft as they are. the tea whistles and i cringe in fear i’ve ruined my quiet. i laugh a bit at the irony of the thought. but the birds and man and machine do not belong to me, nor do they require anything from me. it’s both voluntary and hidden, my response to their presence.

June is here. school has ended. mornings have slowed.

my front garden is wild with columbine and pansies that i didn’t plant. well, that’s not entirely true. when we first moved here i had planted pansies in a pot for the front step-they grew well there so i repeated the process the next year. but the squirrels and their constant overturning and digging and dragging them off finally had their way and i stopped altogether, throwing out the pots, now chipped and cracked from all the abuse. a few years back i received a columbine plant as a mother’s day present. waiting a bit too long i did nestle it in the ground, a lone beauty in a sea of unkempt attempts at making something of the plot of land i’d been handed.

but this year, my columbine, she has sisters galore. they stand tall towards the back as though they are watching over their young pansy charges.

their beauty invites me in to pull up all the thorny weeds and dandelions. i’ve been pining for a real landscaper with a real eye for composition and real knowledge of planting to come and give me something to work with, to joy in, to welcome me home. last night, for the first time in the 7 years we’ve made our way here, i walked the path to the door gazing at this bed freshly weeded and breathed;

this’ll do.

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my soul is weary from a long winter. spring arrived out the windows and moved into summer, yet my soul struggled to take notice or nourishment. aware of the bone deep fatigue all the while life buzzes around i have been paying attention. “this is why missionaries have furloughs” i tell myself. “you are not that type of missionary” i respond. and there is truth to those words. but the need for a ‘furlough’ of sorts is real along with the understanding that it will look its own way. so i’ve been sitting with myself, stealing moments when they come, gently requiring nothing of the time. no figuring things out. no formulating plans for a different way of living. instead letting the anger pour out, the sorrow, the loneliness, alongside the amazement and joy and beauty. allowing repentance to do it’s lovely work and security to come from being seen by the One who knows my frame.

I have always imagined gratitude as a kind of discipline. It is a practice. A choice. I still think this is true. However, I begin to glimpse a long-buried and misguided assumption. I have believed that the practice of noticing good gifts in my life would widen some sort of divine exchange. As if noticing the gifts and giving thanks for them could bring me more of what i noticed.

These days are dark, and I sometimes think I glimpse floodwaters rising. Yet because of November’s emphasis on gratitude, I cannot help but lift up my eyes to the mountains (Ps. 121:1)

What if gratitude is more about seeing the face of God? Of locking our eyes on his and remembering where our help comes from? Perhaps gratitude is not only a discipline but also a gift, one we are given in special measure just before we pass through the door to suffering.

–Christie Purifoy; Roots & Sky-A Journey Home in Four Seasons

frozen

December 7, 2015 / mel

the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

discouragement threatens to take over like ice holding life captive. and i know what is true. i know Jesus wins. i know His light will break through darkness. i know His presence is real and true even though it isn’t felt. He keeps track of the stars, He holds the ocean in His hands.

still, reciting the truth to myself doesn’t seem to melt my heart growing cold.

i join other’s more faithful and rest my hands on a man who is suffering. and the words they fall short, they stumble under the tears and longings unmet for oh, just a glimpse of You Lord. Stephen, while being stoned, got to see heaven open before him, oh Lord, just a glimpse of you would bring such encouragement and strength to endure. please?

and grief sidles up next to the discouragement and they draw a wider circle around my heart. grief over my own lack of faith in the goodness of a God who gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. i’m pleading with the Lord with more doubt than faith, it seems these days there is more doubt than faith and i long to be a better lover to the Shepherd of my soul.

little baby,
i am a poor boy too,
i have no gift to bring,
that’s fit to give a king

the ice wraps around and knowing that my Sovereign God is faithful and true, oh so worthy of my trust, doesn’t melt the discouragement grief and doubt away. i know i’m struggling to trust Him. I know He is worthy of my trust. i preach the gospel to myself, i remember and remember and remember. but i can’t seem to create the trust i lack. i am a poor girl too, i’ve no gift to bring, fit for my King of Kings.

we’re driving along this beautiful winding road. the kids in the back seats delighting in the curves and hills, my capable and loving husband at the wheel taking his family from place to place, navigating the weather and traffic and enjoying the ride. He slows down for pictures and speeds up for tummy-tickling joy. i sit in the passenger seat missing it. i’m the drowning swimmer needing a slap in the face so as not to drown the lifeguard seeking to rescue her. i know this. i know there is no reason for the fear that has joined in with discouragement, doubt and grief. but the knowing doesn’t melt the ice. and i long to share in the joy of the others and for peace to descend out of the chaos and take a firmer hold of my heart. i pray and pray and pray.

and wait.

take heart, your redemption is near

dear ones listen, friends pray. hymns penetrate. tears fall freely while the worship band sings.

we are a flock unworthy, lambs frightened and silly and dumb. we are the sheep of His pasture. we are the sheep the babe came to save. we are desperate and needing redemption from a God who comes down.

the preacher reminds us of the cloud of witnesses, those who’ve walked in such darkness, who’ve seen a great light and bear witness to the glory of knowing Christ.

and the suffering one reads aloud…

though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. Praise be to our God and Father, in His great mercy, He has given us new birth into a living hope through His own resurrection from the dead. set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

there is no hope in my ability to respond to the stuff of life with faith hope and trust. my hope is reduced fully to the grace given when Jesus Christ, the One willing and able to keep me from falling, the One who fights for me, the One who never leaves or forsakes even when i think He has, my hope is reduced fully to the grace given to me when this Jesus is revealed before me and i see Him as He is.

Abba, i belong to you. *

peace descends and the ice begins to melt.

to draw further in: Acts 7, Revelation 6:9-11, 1 Peter 1:3-13; 2:9-10, Isaiah 30-33; 40-42; O Come O Come Emmanuel, Christmas Canon

*Brennan Manning.

chasing joy | a cabin story: the foreword

October 14, 2015 / mel

my daughter never reads the forewords or the prologues in a book, declaring her disdain and sense of pointlessness with them on a regular basis. i find that to be one of her endearing qualities and it makes me smile. she is passionate about certain things and is free to share it.

a foreword is typically written by someone other than the author themselves. it’s a word before the story meant to give insight into the story the book tells. in my case here, i’m writing to create a level of understanding of the foundations laid in my inner man regarding who God is and what it means to be loved by Him.

if you also share in my daughter’s disdain and prefer to just jump into a story, than you’ll have to wait a couple of days for it to begin. i’ve known i would have to go here in this series and have been struggling with how to go about it. this is the way forward for me, (pun intended).

Chasing Joy | A Cabin Story

foreword

i once read the book: The God I Love by Joni Eareckson Tada. it is a book full of wisdom words such as these. There is a chapter in that book where Joni wrestles with a friend over the concept of a God who is both Sovereign and Good (vs. either/or). a mere inches could have meant a different outcome for her that day. that chapter marked me.

in the dead of the night with my firstborn, i’d rock and nurse and hold this love of my heart. and the God who knit her together in my womb would bring to my mind one song. only one song; “Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus” and so that became ‘her’ song, and the truths contained within would overlay my own thoughts and prayers and needs as her mom.

with my second born, again there was one song, only ever one song; “The Love of God”

our first born delight was a very cooperative baby. this second born, not so much. about 8 months in we find ourselves far from home riding along in an ambulance wondering if he will survive the night. leaving our girl behind with grandma and grandpa we spent the next 5 days in the fight. the first hours included such depths of suffering and torture i will never forget. my husband was allowed to remain inside the ICU assisting the various docs while they worked for hours upon hours attempting to insert an iv into his dehydrated and failing body. i, however, was forbidden and exiled outside the closed and windowless door where i could hear his screams of pain, yet see nothing. the God of Jacob and i wrestled that night and i still carry the limp.

a mere inches could mean a different outcome.

Sovereign. yes. Good? after about the 5th or 6th failed (and extremely painful) attempt i began to wonder.

sometime in the middle of the night i was made aware that we were running out of time and options. i knew that the God of the Universe knew the outcome. if He was planning on taking my son, then get it over with already, why this needless suffering?

the familiar song flooded my mind and i could not stop the words.

I Am. I love you. I love zeke.

as i melted into a puddle of sobs over the reality that appeared to state otherwise, i was able to surrender to His Sovereignty and His Goodness co-existing in this place of torture and suffering. i leaned upon His breast and wept.

exhausted yet strengthened in my watchman’s post, a few hours later they handed me a limp body with an IV inserted into his scalp-the last attempt by the last person at the hospital that they knew to call in, inserted into the last place possible.

i have never understood that night. there has never been made known to us any type of outcome that makes sense or lends purpose to the suffering we all endured. (for it wasn’t only zeke who suffered and was afraid. hannah, barely 4, and jeremy and i also suffered and were frightened by that week.) the mystery remains to this day.

“I wished God were like He used to be, a few notches lower. I wanted Him to be lofty enough to help me but not so uncontrollable. I longed for His warm presence, times when He seemed more… safe.” -Joni Eareckson Tada

life | down paths i fear to see

August 27, 2015 / mel

I said, “Let me walk in the field.”
God said, “No, walk in the town.”
I said, “There are no flowers there.”
He said, “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said, “But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din.”
He wept as He sent me back,
“There is more,” He said, “there is sin.”

…

I pleaded for time to be given.
He said, “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem hard in heaven
to have followed the steps of your Guide.”

I cast one look at the field,
Then set my face to the town.
He said, “My child do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for a crown?”

Then into His hand went mine,
and into my heart came He.
Now i walk with a light Divine,
The path i had feared to see.
-What Christ Said by George MacDonald. 
find the complete poem here

ten years ago i found myself in the middle of packing boxes preparing to move into the tiniest house ever right smack dab in the middle of town instead of the dreamed and worked towards log cabin in the mountains. i remember clearly hearing the Lord’s whisper; “I am answering your prayers” It made no sense at the time for it felt like He was answering my prayers with a big fat NO! still i pondered His whisper in my heart and watched and waited. now, these 10 years later, i can see it. how my deep heart longings and desires for my children and family were answered with a big YES! via a path i would never have known to choose.

the children have grown from toddlers to teens, yet following my Guide down paths i fear to see has remained a consistant theme for me. what i’m beginning to grasp is that these are becoming the very places where He does His best heart work. where He grows us and heals us and frees us. these paths are often neither easy nor comfortable, and at times i’m being led straight into the valley of sorrow unable to comprehend the rivers of joy that await me on the other side.

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recently i found myself praying during the long dark hours of the night. unable to sleep with an ache that can only be quieted by the One who knows, i walked circles in the floor and laid my heart bare before my faithful and wise God. daylight came and life continued on as it does, but there was a settling and a watching and a waiting on my capable Father. doors appeared and decisions were made completely unrelated to my late night longings….or so i thought. as far as the eye could see there was no connection between the ordinary goings about in that day and the restless wrestling of the night before.

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but the One who governs the sun, moon and stars-He knew. and today i find myself completely amazed at the way He orchestrated such a perfect answer to those prayers that night. i’m in awe at the ways He is responding to the desires and secret petitions of my heart. here again it is on a path where i have said-out loud to other people-that i would not walk. a path i said wasn’t a good fit for our family. today-this particular path-is precisely what our family needed.

what if the thing we think we need will actually prevent our true longings from being fulfilled? what if the things we think will ruin everything will actually give us life?

could it be that some of the places we run away from are the very places that hold the deepest treasures, deepest freedoms, deepest joys?

He’s teaching me to go where He says go, when He says to –not because i understand, or even expect anything but more pain or frustration, or even have any notion of the connection between the latest command and prayer of my heart –no, i go because my Guide can be trusted where He leads, because He is for me, and He knows better how to fulfill my heart longings than my small brain can comprehend.

where is it for you? is there somewhere you are running away from, turning back because what is ahead is a valley of sorrow and you are afraid? confused? take heart! there is a whole cloud of witnesses cheering you on. david was afraid too as he trusted in his God. Abe was confused too when he reasoned that God was able to raise Isaac from the dead. and dear ol’ Paul, through learning, was persuaded that this One he knew and believed was able to keep that which he had committed to Him. and then there is JJ Heller….

He is able. i know Whom i have believed. i will trust.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in

Psalm 37; 2 Timothy 1:12, Genesis 22:5; Hebrews 11:19

Category: settling (page 1 of 4)

breaking thru

hot cross buns

Evangelism

#10yearchallenge

the ministry of being available

the wilderness

learning to rest while choosing to stay

this will do

frozen

chasing joy | a cabin story: the foreword

life | down paths i fear to see

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