Jesus commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him.
To draw further in: Luke 8:2-25; Psalm 25
"I am guiding you on the way of wisdom and I am leading you on the right path." Proverbs 4:11
Category: 31 days (page 2 of 10)
it took us 3 years to get the foundation mostly finished. i say mostly, because it is a cinder-block foundation. cinder blocks are strong, but hollow, and so they needed to be filled with concrete. we were stumped at the best way to go about this. since business was booming in town, local concrete companies and their needed pumper trucks were unwilling to make the drive for just our one job . some sort of bucket system would need to be figured out.
meanwhile, working only weekends was becoming discouraging. not only did it make the process extremely slow, but our lives thus consisted of nothing else. we been the recipients of a very gracious rental arrangement all this time, but that was nearing its end.
so…. we began to pray and ponder how to live up on our property while finishing the cabin. we investigated the cost and process involved for drilling a well for water, installing a septic system, and various power options. we went back to the bank and re-financed our mortgage to cover the costs of these utilities.
with the well and septic system installed, and the beginnings of a solar system purchased, we still needed to figure out what we would live in. our pop-up was not practical for winter, so we looked into what would be.
it was i who first discovered this thing called a yurt. they are widely used in Mongolia, but there are also many used throughout Colorado along cross country ski trails and the like. i did my research and we formulated plans. after building a deck and obtaining the necessary permits, the yurt could be put together in just one day. at least that’s what everyone said.
we knew how slowly building went, and this seemed like a good and inexpensive option for us to finally be up on our land. we didn’t know yet how to live simply and small, even in this mountain context, our logs would build us a 3000 square ft. cabin. but we were willing to learn.
in the spring, pregnant with our third child and anticipating the changes ahead i wrote:
I have thought a lot about the changes you will bring to our lives-the exact changes God has picked out for us and provided through you. There are a lot of changes in our family going on at the onset of your arrival-the main one is our move up to our property-i think of Abraham and Sarah, leaving behind family and familiarity and even convenience and wealth in living. We are taking on a journey too-to a lifestyle we aren’t familiar with-much simpler and less convenient (more work for me!) i know not what He has for us ahead-but here we go-stepping out in Faith, following where He leads and bringing you along. i pray you will be blessed by this journey, and grow in faith as you join us.
we were pursuing this dream because we believed we were following the lead of our Guide. we believed it would bring us a joy-filled life. that’s what spurred us on as we got creative with how to make it happen and the sacrifices needed to be made along the way.
with that end in sight we built us a yurt.
family and friends gathered together to mix and pour concrete for our footer-it took many hands to measure and square and mix and pour, to encourage and sacrifice. there was a ton of hard work, but lots of laughter and a sense of being a part of something exciting. it was not lost on me, the fact that we were not in this alone. it was a beautiful beginning.
our second born came along and brick by brick by brick we built up our foundation. we’d drive the big red truck out to the construction supply place, have it loaded up with cinder-blocks and drive on up to our property where we’d unload them one at a time. we stacked and we stacked, camping out in our pop-up when we could, and slowly slowly, the foundation began to take shape.
everything took 4 times as long as we expected, but we forged ahead. this is how foundations go isn’t it? to lay a foundation with our Shepherd, with our kids, with our marriage-we invest time. the reality of that was not foreign to us. Jesus contrasts a foolish and wise builder in his sermon on the Mount, and there is also that old nursery rhyme about the three little pigs. in both cases, the condition of the foundation isn’t truly known till the winds come.
“Therefore anyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. the rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
to draw further in: Matthew 6:24-27
we’d gotten married and moved into a brand new, too-expensive for us house. we had two incomes and so were able to make it work. but then we got pregnant, and we both wanted me to stay home. so i quit my job and we dropped my income-which happened to be more than Jeremy’s. we entered into new experiences of Jehovah-Jireh; the Lord will provide and it was both glorious and painfully uncomfortable.
and then the company splits and lay-offs started happening. we figured it was only a matter of time before Jeremy’s number came up and we wanted to be prepared. So we sold our house and began dreaming of a different life. one not shackled by debt and difficult neighbors. one where our kids and dogs could have room to explore and build forts and wander about in the joys of nature. with the sale of our house we were able to put a down payment on 59 acres of mountain land and purchase a log home kit that we could build ourselves. the mortgage on the land was small enough that Jeremy could get laid off and we’d be ok.
we didn’t know we were trading the shackles of debt for the shackles of control and independence and pride. we thought we were being wise stewards and smart parents, providing a good life for our kids. it was a good plan and we began the exciting steps to work it. there were many who thought we were crazy and impulsive and foolish. why trade a perfectly good and predictable suburban life for an adventure in the mountains? we knew there would be challenges, but felt sure and confident and capable. as an added gift our very best of friends owned the piece of property next to ours.
this is what i wrote in my journal:
will we make enough money from our house sale? where will we live while we build? i have dreamed of owning a piece of land next to these dear ones of ours and our families growing old together. can this really be? the Lord has blessed us with this friendship, will He also bless us further with this dream? i am excited to see.
ahh…this is what makes it worth it. SO much to explore, so much to discover – the possibilities are endless! i look forward to the many walks, camp-outs, flowers and rocks brought home, the forts built, even snakes and squirrels!*
and it is true, we were given faith for adventure. adventure wasn’t a robber of joy for us, but fuel for it.
with confident faith we jumped with both feet: let the adventure begin! we’ve got this!
(*ok, i just have to add a side note here. not only have i never once seen a squirrel on our property, but i am overrun with them here in town and i despise it like my daughter despises forewords. i don’t remember writing this, but it makes me laugh out loud now. shows how very little i ever knew!)
my daughter never reads the forewords or the prologues in a book, declaring her disdain and sense of pointlessness with them on a regular basis. i find that to be one of her endearing qualities and it makes me smile. she is passionate about certain things and is free to share it.
a foreword is typically written by someone other than the author themselves. it’s a word before the story meant to give insight into the story the book tells. in my case here, i’m writing to create a level of understanding of the foundations laid in my inner man regarding who God is and what it means to be loved by Him.
if you also share in my daughter’s disdain and prefer to just jump into a story, than you’ll have to wait a couple of days for it to begin. i’ve known i would have to go here in this series and have been struggling with how to go about it. this is the way forward for me, (pun intended).
Chasing Joy | A Cabin Story
foreword
i once read the book: The God I Love by Joni Eareckson Tada. it is a book full of wisdom words such as these. There is a chapter in that book where Joni wrestles with a friend over the concept of a God who is both Sovereign and Good (vs. either/or). a mere inches could have meant a different outcome for her that day. that chapter marked me.
in the dead of the night with my firstborn, i’d rock and nurse and hold this love of my heart. and the God who knit her together in my womb would bring to my mind one song. only one song; “Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus” and so that became ‘her’ song, and the truths contained within would overlay my own thoughts and prayers and needs as her mom.
with my second born, again there was one song, only ever one song; “The Love of God”
our first born delight was a very cooperative baby. this second born, not so much. about 8 months in we find ourselves far from home riding along in an ambulance wondering if he will survive the night. leaving our girl behind with grandma and grandpa we spent the next 5 days in the fight. the first hours included such depths of suffering and torture i will never forget. my husband was allowed to remain inside the ICU assisting the various docs while they worked for hours upon hours attempting to insert an iv into his dehydrated and failing body. i, however, was forbidden and exiled outside the closed and windowless door where i could hear his screams of pain, yet see nothing. the God of Jacob and i wrestled that night and i still carry the limp.
a mere inches could mean a different outcome.
Sovereign. yes. Good? after about the 5th or 6th failed (and extremely painful) attempt i began to wonder.
sometime in the middle of the night i was made aware that we were running out of time and options. i knew that the God of the Universe knew the outcome. if He was planning on taking my son, then get it over with already, why this needless suffering?
the familiar song flooded my mind and i could not stop the words.
I Am. I love you. I love zeke.
as i melted into a puddle of sobs over the reality that appeared to state otherwise, i was able to surrender to His Sovereignty and His Goodness co-existing in this place of torture and suffering. i leaned upon His breast and wept.
exhausted yet strengthened in my watchman’s post, a few hours later they handed me a limp body with an IV inserted into his scalp-the last attempt by the last person at the hospital that they knew to call in, inserted into the last place possible.
i have never understood that night. there has never been made known to us any type of outcome that makes sense or lends purpose to the suffering we all endured. (for it wasn’t only zeke who suffered and was afraid. hannah, barely 4, and jeremy and i also suffered and were frightened by that week.) the mystery remains to this day.
“I wished God were like He used to be, a few notches lower. I wanted Him to be lofty enough to help me but not so uncontrollable. I longed for His warm presence, times when He seemed more… safe.” -Joni Eareckson Tada
i have this tendency to over-introspect and super analyze my interactions with others. could i have worded that better? did i listen well? was i firm in just the right way? am i even making a kingdom difference? how in the world could i be making an earthly difference, let alone a kingdom one?
it’s not such a bad thing to introspect and pray for sensitivity to the Spirit and the work He is doing in my heart. this is not that. this is me attempting to be God (perfect) in a situation.
except that i am not God, and lack both knowledge and insight into the earthly and kingdom difference He is making in the life of another.
and all this over-introspection does is suck joy and life out of the gift of interactions with others, and the subsequent days that follow.
Joy returns in the letting it all go. in the acknowledging that time and time again He has shown up via my body and words moving about in this world. most of the time i have no idea what He has accomplished. my joy isn’t in having been perfect, it’s in the One who is able to make all Grace abound through the glorious riches that are found in Christ Jesus.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.”
remembering Who my God is and what He is able to do, frees me to let it go. and ushers in a joy that overcomes discouragement and frustrations in that lack i know full well. His works are wonderful, i know that full well too.
to draw further in: Isaiah 55; psalm 139
“I, John, your brother and companion in the suffering and kingdom and patient endurance that are ours in Jesus, was on the island of Patmos because of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus.”
when a sense of entitlement threatens to steal my joy, because outcomes aren’t what i’d hoped they’d be, or because i’m being treated as a servant or because the job at hand is hard and requires sacrifice,
being reminded by the One who is my Master, what it is i signed up for as His servant, His child, His follower,
restores my joy
gives endurance
and refreshes my soul
for, like John, i signed up to be a brother and companion in the suffering and kingdom and patient endurance. this is what is mine in Christ Jesus.
it is a hope-filled calling, surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses.
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.
to draw further in: Revelation 1; Hebrews 10:19-12:28, 13:20-21; Ephesians 1:15-23, 3:14-21
everything has felt a bit heavy this week, as my writing reflects. i asked the Lord for something lighter to share, and all day long i have been watching and waiting.
the week has been full for everyone but the Lord gifted us with stories and laughter this evening. and i must say that the deep gut level laughter has done whatever it does in my brain and i do feel lighter. i think we all do. we shared stories through snorts and giggles, stories that took twice as long as they otherwise would to tell. there was the one about that time in the 4th grade when my older boy’s classmate leaned back in his chair to far and crashed spilling books from the reading shelf everywhere. i shared about the time i cross country skied to work and was written up for being late. i wasn’t trying to be funny, just giving an example of why someone would quit a job without notice. but they thought it was hilarious and seeing them laugh made me laugh too. topping it all off with some good ole’ Calvin and Hobbes and we’ve all drank deep from the wellspring of funny.
laughter is such a stress reliever, and boy have we needed it. circumstances are still what they are, but we have been given sweet moments of joy in the midst, and for that i am deeply thankful.
remember that at that time you were separate from Christ, excluded from citizenship in Israel and foreigners to the covenants of the promise, without hope and without God in the world.
but now in Christ Jesus, you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.
there is a family down the hall caught in bad choices and given grace to stay though they really deserved to be escorted out into the cold dark night. i was angry enough to give the reasonable consequence. but mercy triumphed over justice and the morning will bring about goodbye instead.
i lay awake, unable to really sleep for fear of what may happen next, and for want of some means of finding a gospel ending to this situation. in my mind i think of such eloquent and Paul-sounding words to accompany my small offerings of practical things so the burden of their homelessness is eased if only a little bit.
in the morning i gather what i can find, a coat from the lost and found and a sweatshirt from the floor of my car, left-over pizza from the youth group a few nights ago and some odds and ends from the pantry. a small bible from the church office and it’s the best i can do.
but the words fail me and i hand them the offering and mumble ; “food for your stomach and food for your soul.”
the little one unaware sings and smiles at me and shows me the picture of the cat in his book. as i watch them leave all i hear in the depths of my soul is; without hope and without God in the world, in the cold and dreary world.
where is the joy to be had here Lord? it’s all just so sad and feels so very impossible that there is any hope for even a basic experience of stability and love. it’s a story that’s all too familiar.
Surely the very hardness of an enterprise, the very fact that it is what a soldier would call a “forlorn hope,” is in itself a call and a claim stronger than any put forth by something easier. The soldier does not give in because the hope is “forlorn.” It is a hope, be it ever so desperate. He volunteers for it, and win or not, he fights.
-Amy Carmichael from Things as They Are
i’m stretched thin and tired, but there seems to always remain a bit of fight left in me. a tiny glimmer about to be snuffed out but for the encouragement my Captain sends along my path in all sorts of ways. (like this, and this, and this.) it’s enough to move from battling on my feet with mumbling inadequate words* to the most effectual battling which happens on my knees in prayer.
because there is always a But God to be had, and win or not, i volunteer, i fight.
if you search the bible for the words “without” and “hope” two verses come up. the one i quoted above and this one:
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
*i get it, i know that the Spirit is the one who uses even the most fumbling of tongues. it’s just that there are these ones in my head and it’s disappointing when fear seems to win and i can’t get them out in the moment. my perspective of all that may be off, but the discouragement is real.
update: the story is still unfolding for this family, it now looks like we may all get another shot at things-at least for tonight. taking it a day at a time.
adding the dishes to an ever growing pile i free up a burner to put on tea. staring at the tufts of dog hair collecting in the corners of the floor, i wonder about everything and nothing at all.
i’ve not the energy for housework today.
dragging my body into the pantry, knowing that it is important to eat, i fix myself some toast and tea and move to the window to watch the rain fall and fall and fall.
i need to dress and wake the children and get everyone going for the day.
but my spirit weighs heavy and the rain that i love keeps falling and i just long to be in this stillness forever.
my oldest went to homecoming last night. and i went out with the moms i barely knew to the movies. i’m aware in the deep places that if any of them stopped by right at this moment i would welcome them into this mess of piled up dishes and un-swept floor. this is my reality. and i’m ok with exposing it.
there is tremendous freedom in that. i rejoice in the freedom in that.
i forgot to set the timer for the bagels under the broiler (how you do it when the toaster breaks) and pull out 4 charred and smoking disks. my youngest with his tousled bed head looks at me with a grin; “you forgot to set the timer didn’t you mom?” he knows me well. i smile with him. we can laugh together with no condemnation.
there is such joy and freedom in that. i rejoice in the freedom in that.
we were late to worship and my boy spilled communion on his white pants and the floor. i took my complaints and frustrations to my team of folks setting up to receive homeless families, instead of to the One who is able to judge the thoughts and intentions of my heart. i didn’t lead well.
the day filled full while the rains subsided. the dishes now have one more day added to the pile, the floor never got swept. there were more mistakes of the absent minded type along with sins grieved over. forgiveness settled in deep and with it the beauty of the One who bore it all for me.
i rejoice in the freedom He graces.
the house is quiet and still again. heads rested on pillows, hair being tousled about while these ones who know me best lay peaceful. in spite of all the stuff and marrow of this long Sunday, my spirit no longer weighs heavy. quieted by a very real and near Shepherd, i rest.
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