I am the LORD, and there is no other.
I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

I will not yield my glory to another.

Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.

He has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted….
to comfort all who mourn…..
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of despair.

for Joni and Zeke, mere inches made all the difference.  for our cabin, it was the direction and speed of the wind….every time.  13 families lost their homes in this fire and i can’t speak about their grief. we sat on the outskirts of it all a bit, because we still had our home and our belongings in town.

in town.

He’d been building a life for us in town.  there was a community we were made for and we had come to know it.  i had lost complete control of my days-never knowing when a knock on my door would change my afternoon.  He provided a church family and a place for us among them.  we knew this was where we belonged, we understood that we were not meant to abide in the mountains, still we never felt His leading to sell.  we still believed we needed to finish what we started, though we couldn’t explain why.  there was a community in those mountains that we visited, and we were welcomed in every time-but we didn’t fully belong there, only part of us did.  but the part that did, wholeheartedly did.

and that part was now ashes.  and we were already so worn out from all the other traumas we’d been facing over the past year.  and we were so worn out from all the traumas we’d endured thus far on that mountain.

come let us reason together…..

if not a sparrow falls to the ground outside of His will, if he has called the stars by name and not one of them is missing, if all of psalm 139 is true, than He is a God who is sovereignly involved in all of the details.  and that gives me such comfort.  if He has placed the sand as the boundary for the sea, if the waves and the billows roar but cannot pass, if He commands the wind and it obeys Him, then He sovereignly reigns over His earth.   and that makes me tremble.

inches.  is He the God of inches?  is He only in control when the details go my way?

I know Him as the God who wrestles with His people.  who invites His people into His intimate presence, naked and unashamed.

and so yet again i answered His invitation to come and reason.  I poured out all of my grief. i pounded my fists against His chest.  i didn’t understand His choice of inches.  but this couldn’t rip the rug of His love out from under me because He is a Shepherd who keeps what is His.  i was walking in the dark in a myriad of ways, but i knew my God could be trusted, so i relied on Him to give me a garment of praise instead of despair and to bring beauty out of these ashes.

and then through a series of details of things that aren’t supposed to happen, this untamable Sovereign God gave us this:

to draw further in:  Jeremiah 5:22; Isaiah 45; 61; Matthew 6:25-34; 10:29-31, psalm 139, John 10

life had been chugging along full speed.  From fall of 2010 to Spring of 2011;  Jeremy had collided with another player while playing softball, requiring emergency surgery and 8 weeks with his jaw wired shut.  i’d taken a trip to Uganda, there had been visits from friends and family from out of town and out of the country.  my dad had had heart surgery out of state and i’d traveled to support him and my mom. we were heavily involved with a homeless ministry through our church, in leadership with Bible Study Fellowship, i was homeschooling the two boys (5 and 3) while Hannah (9) was off at our neighborhood public school. plus there were the weekly sessions with Zeke’s OT where wonderful progress was being made, but not without persevering work.

on the tail end of all of that, i wrote in my journal:

April-Friday the first-quiet day-mel cleans classroom, kids play.

Saturday the 2^nd we go to Property for a day with the Hansons, take Janet her bench we purchased for birthday/memory of the sudden passing of Ames’ (their dog) the previous week. We walk together, look at our logs, map out Jeremy’s Frisbee golf course, the kids play all day, we visit about life, spiritual things, real and deep.  It is a beautiful day.  we leave around 10.

amidst the crazy, we’d carved out a Saturday to spend the day up on the property.  we checked on our logs adjusting the tarps where needed, walked inside our foundation and talked a little about when we’d ever get to start building again.  then we walked on up the hill to visit our dear friends who’d built their house on the property next to ours.  it was always a treat to get to visit and let the kids play and hike and catch up on things.  we laughed together, grieved losses together and broke bread together.  we stayed up way to late, and drove back to town in the dark satisfied and filled.

my journal continues:

at midnight Adonai wakes Janet-they have 15 minutes to evacuate-due to sudden fire.  Jon calls us at 12:30am to let us know.

while we were driving home a fire that had been burning miles away intersected with that hurricane wind creating a giant blow torch.  we’d just laid down our heads when we received the call. the next day we spend with our dear friends.  waiting and waiting and waiting to be given permission to drive up to see-to know what has happened to our property; their house and our land.

finally we are granted access.  we drive up together with them and their oldest son.  we read the psalms.  i just open my bible and start reading -its psalm 116.  i get to verse 7 before i realize this is my ‘property psalm’ but the One who is ever present knew that.  unable to read now through my tears, i hand my bible over to Jeremy and he flips the pages and resumes reading.  psalm 16.  this is Janet’s ‘property psalm’.  Jeremy of course didn’t know that.  but the One who comforts as no one else knew.  His nearness is deeply felt.

We arrive just barely in time to see the damage before dark.  The entire hill destroyed by fire.  our logs evaporated in thin air.  Hanson’s house dust and ashes.

it’s snowing-which is bizarre to see white flakes falling on black ashes.  we stand in silence and awe as the darkness of night moves in.  in the days that follow  we will return as a family and walk our now barren land.

I love the Lord, because He hears [and continues to hear]
My voice and my supplications (my pleas, my cries, my specific needs).

Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords and sorrows of death encompassed me,
And the terrors of Sheol came upon me;
I found distress and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“O Lord, please save my life!”

Gracious is the Lord, and [consistently] righteous;
Yes, our God is compassionate.

The Lord protects the simple (childlike);
I was brought low [humbled and discouraged], and He saved me.

Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.

For You have rescued my life from death,
My eyes from tears,
And my feet from stumbling and falling.

I will walk [in submissive wonder] before the Lord
In the land of the living.

I believed [and clung to my God] when I said,
“I am greatly afflicted.”

I said in my alarm,
“All men are liars.”

What will I give to the Lord [in return]
For all His benefits toward me?
[How can I repay Him for His precious blessings?]

I will lift up the cup of salvation
And call on the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord,
Yes, in the presence of all His people.

Precious [and of great consequence] in the sight of the Lord
Is the death of His godly ones [so He watches over them].

O Lord, truly I am Your servant;
I am Your servant, the son of Your handmaid;
You have unfastened my chains.

I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving,
And will call on the name of the Lord.

I will pay my vows to the Lord,
Yes, in the presence of all His people,

In the courts of the Lord’s house (temple)—
In the midst of you, O Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!)

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

to draw further in:  Psalm 116, 51:12 (quoted above,) 117, 118; Psalm 16; and various verses throughout chapters 30-60 of the book of Isaiah-there were many that were personally and specifically life giving to me during that season.

be at rest O my soul, God has been good to you

i wrote this where the yurt once stood to remind myself that this was true regardless of what my circumstances were.  a reminder to hold both His sovereignty and goodness in my hands.

…and He determined…the exact places where [man] should live.  God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us.

our experience with the Yurt and relocating also settled something sure within us: there was a place for us and the One who names the stars can be trusted where He leads.  where He takes us is so we would seek Him….with all of our hearts, and be willing to follow because of Who He Is, not what we understand.  reading about the story behind the hymn; Have Thine Own Way, i came upon a poem that became my inner plea.  not necessarily because i was willing, more that i wanted to be…..

i am willing

to receive what Thou givest
to lack what Thou withholdest
to relinquish what Thou takest.
to surrendor what Thou claimest.
to suffer what Thou ordainest.
to do what Thou commandest.
to wait, until Thou sayest go.

-author unknown

i’d  begun to hand over full control of our money to the owner of cattle on those thousand hills (rather than just ten percent).  i grew in my understanding of belonging wholly to this One who gave all for me.  and i began to realize His knowledge of me contained thoughts too wonderful for me to fully grasp.

we were thick in the throws of identifying and treating a child with Sensory Processing Disorder, homeschooling our oldest, and working on rebuilding that foundation whenever we could, all with minimal funds.  occupational therapists and homeschooling materials and building materials are expensive.  and then there is the matter of needing to eat.  all  this continued my education in praying without ceasing.  so many times all i could muster was a small chirp; “help” and every time i prayed for help, every single time, the Lord helped me.  whether it was wisdom and self-control with an out of control child, or how to make the menu stretch, great oh so great is His faithfulness.

in the midst of all of that He led us to send our oldest to our neighborhood school the following fall.  then we found ourselves needing yet again to move.  the market had shifted and rentals were now hard to come by, so we looked at what we could purchase.  at first there was not a single house in our city cheap enough. this perplexed us, since the Lord had made it clear where Hannah was to be attending 4th grade.  we looked in other towns, but never had the Lord’s peace.  i had also made it clear to both the Lord and my husband what type of house i was willing to live in.  then the market took a turn and 5 houses popped up in our city that we could afford.  there was this one only 2 blocks away from where we were.  we’d drive by often, but had never been willing to consider it, it was so run down and needing a ton of work to even inhabit.  it was slightly bigger (820 sq ft.) but still only 2 bedrooms.  we really wanted our daughter to have her own room.  we thought she needed her own room.  then one day i found myself walking over and looking in the windows.  and then one night i mentioned it to my husband.  “maybe when we go to look at those other 4 we should just add this one to the list?”  so we did.  and we prayed.  and the Lord led.  and He made us willing.

the driveway and detached garage had dirt floors.  i contacted a guy who came over and gave me an estimate to concrete them.  on a whim, i mentioned to him our situation up on the mountains, those concrete block walls that needed filled, and our inability to get any concrete companies to drive up there.  he was willing and he’d work it out with the owners of the concrete and the trucks.

this picture always makes me cry.   so much time and uncertainty and sacrifice and waiting we’d had to overcome to get here, so many details that only the One who tells the sun when to go down could work out.

even with a huge project of a house in town, this day was a day of celebration, of joy, of being satisfied in the things the Lord gave.

to draw further in: psalm 139, psalm 104:19;

in your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.  And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons:

My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline,
and do not lose heart when He rebukes you,
because the Lord disciplines those He loves,
and He punishes everyone He accepts as a son.

Endure hardship as discipline, God is treating you as sons….no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

we’ve developed a habit lately, with two adolescents in the home, of talking though the messages being internalized upon rebuke.  over and over and over again we must repeat; “you are loved, you are wanted in this family, you belong, you are not a disappointment.”  can you ever think of a time when you were rebuked and the message you internalized from it was; “you are loved, you are wanted in this family, you belong, you are not a disappointment?”  i didn’t think so.  our default is to think the opposite-i wonder why that is.

the Lord knows this, and like us with our teens, He over and over and over again repeats;

I Am, I know. I love you.  Repent.*

we were in the midst of hardship.  it was a season of stress; another trip to the ER with our older boy thanksgiving day, clean-up work up on the property, all that is involved with 3 little ones, packing for a move to an unknown location and what if Jeremy gets laid off?

the truth of being both loved and known gave me oxygen.  His word gave me strength.  Believing He had an ‘exact time and place for man to live’ gave me courage.  the challenge to endure hardship as discipline gave me hope.

i previewed the rentals available w/in our limited budget, and then narrowed it down for jeremy and i to revisit on his days off.  this was challenging for me still in that state of fear of making decisions and doubt in hearing from God.  i had to cling with all my strength to the fact of God’s ability to direct us anyway.

i arrived at one particular rental before the property management lady did, but the tenant welcomed me in.  it was tiny, built sometime around 1900,  old wooden windows, but there were lots of them and they were tall.  the ceilings were high and light flooded in.  i felt like i could breathe for the first time in a long time.  the tenant showed me his favorite features and seemed to pick up on my emotions; “it’s small, yes, but it has a good feeling to it doesn’t it?”  he, of course, had no idea that there were 5 of us, to his 1.  logically, it didn’t make sense.  the 2 bedrooms were small, one might fit our bed in it, the other i wasn’t sure a twin bed would even fit.  plus, it was right downtown, a complete opposite to what we’d been immersed in over the past few years. even the basement we’d been renting was outside city limits with lots of space.  i dismissed it, and went along with the property management lady to the next place on the list.

but i couldn’t shake that house.  when Saturday came, this house made the cut.

this little house drew us all in and we had a hard time explaining why.  that office could hold the bunk bed, jeremy would build a platform and make it a triple-bunk.  a galley kitchen and sun porch for our ‘dining room’.  a stacked apt. sized washer/dryer was in the small and very pink bathroom. that would take a bit of adjusting for me, but i was willing.  the trees were big and the yard fenced with alley access and the library a few blocks away.  so much of this house looked just as crazy as the yurt, but we’d make it work.  with trembling hands, we signed a lease and prepared to move.

i did panic and i drove by often asking the Lord to please please please tell us if this was a big mistake.  i packed and got rid of stuff and tended the kids, which was a nice distraction.  i was hopeful and excited and terrified all at the same time.

looking back now, i can see so much discipline gained from living in that little house.  i can also see the joyful harvest that came as a result of being trained by it. we adjusted to this new normal, regrouped, and lived life.  we discovered our place and our passions and our selves.  we came to know our Father’s heart and our own hearts better.  that house served us well, and we were happy there.

*to draw further in:  Revelation 1-3

had there been an ocean nearby it would have been a hurricane.  the wind speeds that year were well over 100 miles/hr.  we re-built the yurt, shoring it up and making it stronger.  we began framing in walls and adding cabinetry we’d found second hand.  we pressed on and kept at it-working to make the November 1st moving date we’d agreed upon.

another wind storm leading to another phone call and we found ourselves once again defeated.  i wrote in my journal:

Thursday morning i receive a call-the roof of our yurt is flapping around.  Jeremy and i head up to the property-there has been another serious wind storm-trees are down.  We get to the property-and half of the roof is off, ripped and flapping around in the wind.  Standing in the yurt is frightening-the pieces of roof whip around and slam into the rafters.  The dome is cracked and broken, but still hanging on.  The wood is secure-tho it has torqued a bit.  All the interior framing that Jeremy and his dad worked so hard on Tuesday and Wednesday evening-has shifted, some of the studs have fallen down.  We empty the yurt once again of our kitchen cabinets, camping stove and various tools and supplies.  We sit inside and we cry.  We are speechless to some degree.  On the drive up the radio offers up comfort; “I will sing of Your mercies that lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy….higher mountains have come down….hallelujah” (Jars of clay) Millions of thoughts run through my mind, so many things I don’t know.  I could list them; I don’t know why, I don’t know where we went wrong, I don’t know if we went wrong-I don’t know what we will do, I don’t know… on and on and on.  STOP! I cry out to myself, I focus on the only thing I do know.  I know my God loves me, I am written on the palm of His hand.  I know this for sure-and that’s it.  And it’s enough.

this time it wasn’t just the yurt that was effected, the east wall of our foundation also blew down.  the re-bar that jeremy and the kids worked together to form and place in preparation for concrete-now bent and twisted.  concrete blocks crumbled.  i marvel at the power of the wind.

pre-wind. i can’t find a photo of the after.

our gracious friends/landlords gave us time to re-group.  i pour over the numbers.  we are out of money, all of our savings having gone towards the yurt and supplies.  we both have a settling deep within that we are not to re-build the yurt or move up, still we need a place to live and we are already paying a mortgage. i crunch and squeeze and come up with a figure for what we could afford for rent and we begin the search.

of course opinions abound from all over the place.  there are those who never thought we should be living in the mountains in the first place and those who think we should keep at it.  making decisions while grieving and under stress isn’t easy anyways, but the yurt was my idea.  my idea has cost us a summer and all of our savings.  i found myself paralyzed and afraid, no longer trusting that i knew how to hear the Lord’s leading.  we’d go about visiting various apartments and houses in various cities nearby that we could afford.  we’d return home and weigh the choices before us and wonder.

From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live….

ok, we prayed.  where?

Jesus commands even the winds and the water, and they obey Him.

To draw further in:  Luke 8:2-25; Psalm 25

it took us 3 years to get the foundation mostly finished.  i say mostly, because it is a cinder-block foundation.  cinder blocks are strong, but hollow, and so they needed to be filled with concrete.  we were stumped at the best way to go about this.  since business was booming in town, local concrete companies and their needed pumper trucks were unwilling to make the drive for just our one job .  some sort of bucket system would need to be figured out.

meanwhile, working only weekends was becoming discouraging.  not only did it make the process extremely slow, but our lives thus consisted of nothing else.  we been the recipients of a very gracious rental arrangement all this time, but that was nearing its end.

so…. we began to pray and ponder how to live up on our property while finishing the cabin.  we investigated the cost and process involved for drilling a well for water, installing a septic system, and various power options.  we went back to the bank and re-financed our mortgage to cover the costs of these utilities.

with the well and septic system installed, and the beginnings of a solar system purchased, we still needed to figure out what we would live in.  our pop-up was not practical for winter, so we looked into what would be.

it was i who first discovered this thing called a yurt.  they are widely used in Mongolia, but there are also many used throughout Colorado along cross country ski trails and the like.  i did my research and we formulated plans.  after building a deck and obtaining the necessary permits, the yurt could be put together in just one day.  at least that’s what everyone said.we knew how slowly building went, and this seemed like a good and inexpensive option for us to finally be up on our land.  we didn’t know yet how to live simply and small, even in this mountain context, our logs would build us a 3000 square ft. cabin.  but we were willing to learn.

in the spring, pregnant with our third child and anticipating the changes ahead i wrote:

I have thought a lot about the changes you will bring to our lives-the exact changes God has picked out for us and provided through you.  There are a lot of changes in our family going on at the onset of your arrival-the main one is our move up to our property-i think of Abraham and Sarah, leaving behind family and familiarity and even convenience and wealth in living.   We are taking on a journey too-to a lifestyle we aren’t familiar with-much simpler and less convenient (more work for me!)  i know not what He has for us ahead-but here we go-stepping out in Faith, following where He leads and bringing you along.  i pray you will be blessed by this journey, and grow in faith as you join us.

we were pursuing this dream because we believed we were following the lead of our Guide.  we believed it would bring us a joy-filled life.  that’s what spurred us on as we got creative with how to make it happen and the sacrifices needed to be made along the way.

with that end in sight we built us a yurt.

family and friends gathered together to mix and pour concrete for our footer-it took many hands to measure and square and mix and pour, to encourage and sacrifice.  there was a ton of hard work, but lots of laughter and a sense of being a part of something exciting.  it was not lost on me, the fact that we were not in this alone.  it was a beautiful beginning.

our second born came along and brick by brick by brick we built up our foundation.  we’d drive the big red truck out to the construction supply place, have it loaded up with cinder-blocks and drive on up to our property where we’d unload them one at a time.  we stacked and we stacked, camping out in our pop-up when we could, and slowly slowly, the foundation began to take shape.

everything took 4 times as long as we expected, but we forged ahead.  this is how foundations go isn’t it?  to lay a foundation with our Shepherd, with our kids, with our marriage-we invest time.  the reality of that was not foreign to us.  Jesus contrasts a foolish and wise builder in his sermon on the Mount, and there is also that old nursery rhyme about the three little pigs.  in both cases, the condition of the foundation isn’t truly known till the winds come.

“Therefore anyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  the rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.  But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

to draw further in:  Matthew 6:24-27

we’d gotten married and moved into a brand new, too-expensive for us house.  we had two incomes and so were able to make it work.  but then we got pregnant, and we both wanted me to stay home.  so i quit my job and we dropped my income-which happened to be more than Jeremy’s.  we entered into new experiences of Jehovah-Jireh; the Lord will provide and it was both glorious and painfully uncomfortable.

and then the company splits and lay-offs started happening.  we figured it was only a matter of time before Jeremy’s number came up and we wanted to be prepared.  So we sold our house and began dreaming of a different life.  one not shackled by debt and difficult neighbors.  one where our kids and dogs could have room to explore and build forts and wander about in the joys of nature.  with the sale of our house we were able to put a down payment on 59 acres of mountain land and purchase a log home kit that we could build ourselves.  the mortgage on the land was small enough that Jeremy could get laid off and we’d be ok.

we didn’t know we were trading the shackles of debt for the shackles of control and independence and pride.  we thought we were being wise stewards and smart parents, providing a good life for our kids.  it was a good plan and we began the exciting steps to work it.  there were many who thought we were crazy and impulsive and foolish.  why trade a perfectly good and predictable suburban life for an adventure in the mountains?  we knew there would be challenges, but felt sure and confident and capable.  as an added gift our very best of friends owned the piece of property next to ours.

this is what i wrote in my journal:

will we make enough money from our house sale?  where will we live while we build?  i have dreamed of owning a piece of land next to these dear ones of ours and our families growing old together.  can this really be?  the Lord has blessed us with this friendship, will He also bless us further with this dream?  i am excited to see.

ahh…this is what makes it worth it.  SO much to explore, so much to discover – the possibilities are endless!  i look forward to the many walks, camp-outs, flowers and rocks brought home, the forts built, even snakes and squirrels!*

and it is true, we were given faith for adventure.  adventure wasn’t a robber of joy for us, but fuel for it.

with confident faith we jumped with both feet: let the adventure begin!  we’ve got this!

(*ok, i just have to add a side note here.  not only have i never once seen a squirrel on our property, but i am overrun with them here in town and i despise it like my daughter despises forewords.  i don’t remember writing this, but it makes me laugh out loud now.  shows how very little i ever knew!)