"I am guiding you on the way of wisdom and I am leading you on the right path." Proverbs 4:11

Category: little house on 9th

covid-19 journal: spring snow

I grieve the losses small business in my town are taking

The life altering changes college students are facing

The doctors and nurses and grocery workers and the sacrifices they are daily making

Yet

When the spring snow comes

And 2 boys make plans, calculating their school assignments and class requirements.  Fill me in on the way the timing will work, the supplies they need, the adjustment to meals they’d prefer (we want to work till dark, then we’ll come in and eat dinner, we’ll start first thing in the morning and work on school at noon)

And they go out and build an igloo in this perfectly packable 8” of snow?

Oh the joy!

Had we been operating according to our regularly scheduled programming, today would have looked more like a conversation in the car wondering if the snow will still be there when the school day ended.

In Colorado, it hits like a train wreck, but clears away much faster.

but we have been forced home, paving the way for today’s igloo building by 2 brothers soon to be leaving the nest.  All the words about all the plans, the engineering decisions, the explanations; “wow zeke that’s brilliant!”, instead of mere imaginations of what could be if the sun could hide some of her strength, are actual reality!

And I wonder

After this is all over

Will we all return to the way things were?  Will we have learned and grown more balanced?  Will we value relationships over productivity?  Will we understand the lifelong benefits of bonding experiences? Will we be open to them when they come, willing to flex and disappoint the powers that be for what really matters in the right now? 

These are the questions I ask myself. I lean towards duty bound, loyalty, integrity and strong work ethic.  These things are valuable-essentials.  Yesterday morning was a duty morning of boys shoveling when they’d rather be warm and still in bed.  It’s not an abandoning of that I’m questioning.  It’s walking in the nuanced balance of the Holy Spirit who gives strength for the drudgery hard work, and courage for the invited play. 

This virus has stretched us all, but when the rubber band snaps back, will we take on our former form, or will our shape have changed from the stretching? 

will I remember this day, and have the courage to cancel school myself and allow these boys to stay home and play?  The consequences would be steep-for one at the community college and the other well into his high school NHS career. 

Would a teacher at the high school have freedom to take the students outside and have a lesson in igloo building because the materials have fallen at his door and won’t last till tomorrow? Would that courageous decision bear more impact than anything he does all year?  Would those students remember that day and the lessons they learned for the rest of their lives? 

Could that be the new normal we aspire to?  A new flexibility. Permission to be human?  Valuing the immense learning, bonding, health in perceived play? 

It’s hard to say, and is yet another thing out of my control. 

But what is in my control is today-to observe, to receive the joy in what has been given to us in the midst of the hard. to write it all down. 

A spring snow in the time of corona

unexpected

the swat team camped outside our house yesterday along with all that went with them; ems, fire, bomb squad, and multiple police cars.  they rolled in around 8, and finally rolled out around 5.  it didn’t end well for the person who’d barricaded themselves with a rifle in their apartment.

the first to arrive were the fire trucks.  when they pulled up in front of my house my first thought was concern for my next door neighbor.  thoughts of how long it’d been since we’d had a conversation over the fence.  why hadn’t i shared my latest homemade jam or invited him over for some iced tea?  partly it’s because i haven’t made jam in a while, the freezer is still holding last years crop.  partly it’s the demands of life in the current season we are in.  mostly because i’m not spending the time in the yard i used to in the spring/summers.  this makes me sad.

once we realized the fire trucks weren’t for a neighbor who was ill, as police car after police car rolled in, and men got out and put on helmets and vests and grabbed their big guns.  when the swat truck rolled by and then all the others.  we knew it was going to be an interesting morning.  i decided to wait at home till it all cleared up, expecting it’d be a couple of hours or so.  the last time the person ran around thru the neighborhood-i don’t recall how that turned out but do remember it didn’t take too long.  this time was different, it took all day.  after the first round of tear gas shots, a couple cops pulled up with pizza, water, and snacks.  we realized it might be a while.

the point of all this isn’t so much about the event, but about the thinking after.

i love living here.

i love knowing the grocery checkers by name.  knowing my neighbors by name.  i love the old houses and quirky landscapes.  walking to the library or downtown-tho we don’t do that near enough these days.

this sort of thing could happen in any neighborhood really.  this doesn’t make me feel unsafe, but it does remind me of what matters and emboldens me to be a bit more diligent to make the most of the opportunities given to connect with the people around me.  the police tried hard for a different outcome, for hours and hours we were inconvenienced to save a mans life.  i’m sad that it didn’t end well.

as we move along back to ‘regularly scheduled programming’ may we continue to grow in flexing and rolling with what each day holds in spite of the plans and agendas we seek to honor.

tidings of comfort and joy

bench on a street corner in North Carolina

 

tomorrow is the last day of school before break.  half a year of 3rd, 5th, and 9th grade over.  2 weeks off to play legos and worship and rest….and maybe if the forecast is accurate a snow fort?  of course there will be bickering and finding ourselves in eachothers way and the smallness of this house will feel too tight at times.  and at other’s the smallness of this house will feel cozy and just right.  

as we all enter in with extra food and family and time together….

may we find places of rest where we least expect them, a bench to sit on and someone who speaks our language.  may the wonder of it all, the Love that came down to free us from the vows we take and the prisons we make….. oh this Christmas…. may there be just a little more freedom and a lot more grasping of the height and depth and width and breadth of a Father who loves like no other.  

and the thing i’ve been praying for the 5 of us under this roof is many many moments of
      gut wrenching
            stomach hurting
                  pants peeing
                           laughter!      may you have the same??

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.
I came
                  that they may have life
                  and have it abundantly.
 
I am the good shepherd.   (john 10)

in This place?

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it! Genesis 28:16

i come in the door grumbling grumbling.

we’ve been spending ourselves this week on behalf of Isaiah 58 people.

the exhaustion is beginning to take it’s toll.

Wednesday, i was at the dentist sitting in the chair next to my daughter and the hygienist completely lost in October’s National Geographic.  So much so that they kept asking me questions and talking to me and i was completely oblivious with my head in the pictures of N. Korea and the Congo.  Finally my daughter yells out; “MOM! It’s time to go!”  i look up and they are both staring at me as if they maybe had mentioned this already a couple of times??

late last night, somewhere between pulling into the driveway and my front door, i lost the car keys.

still, i left that to the light of the next day and attempted to make a birthday cake for my daughter.  the pan tipped and spilled half-baked cake all over the oven.

i plop myself down on the couch to try that too again tomorrow and look out my window…..no lights.

those dang squirrels chewed a bulb off-now only ¼ of them light up. 

after rehearsing spelling words with my 3rd grader in the car this morning and shooing him off with a story to remember why there is a silent K in front of Knight, i drive home and the grumbling begins to rumble and spill out within. 

pulling into the driveway and i remember those dang lights.  and in my grumbling profanity over the lights welled up within and dang wasn’t the word i wanted to use. 

i told myself it was silly to speak so about Christmas lights. 

i am a complete mess.

last night driving home the words to myself were instead; “i am a complete fool.”

 all the volunteers for this week are looking to me to lead them.  my children are looking to me to lead them.  profanity wells up within about that.

grumbling all the way i plop myself down and am irritated that the whole wide world seems to go on without needing to stop in front of the King of Kings, the Wonder of a Counselor, but no, not i. i am desperate and needy.  and completely irritated at that fact.  (do you see it?  those lies that are such nonsense, but man, in the moment they seem so true.)

and he’s working hard, that infuriated accuser.  he’s giving it all he’s got to keep me right here.  exhausted and irritated. profaning the Son of God and His provision….or perceived lack there of.

flipping over the promise chart-i read these words:

The Promise of Victory

“Who is it that overcomes the world?  Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 john 5:5

oh and those words begin to do their work.

i make my tea and block out the rest of the accusations about how this chai has too much sugar and i’m on December 8th in ‘The Greatest Gift” so i should just give it up. 

I open Ann’s new book to page 65

The only words on the page staring up at me are these:

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it.  Genesis 28:16

 

and i sit and let these tidings of comfort wash over me, lingering before turning the page for more.

(if you don’t have the book-the focus on the reading is Genesis 28:10-16-read that and the rest will make sense i think?)

You can feel it…..like life’s this stairway that you just never stop climbing…..Like all these lists are rungs, like your failures stretch from earth to heaven, like all your rest feels like lying down on one unforgiving stone.

-Ann Voskamp The Greatest Gift p.68

and the tears that fill my eyes blur the rest of the words on the page.

the bugs and the foolishness and the cake and the congo and it all does feel like rest* on one unforgiving stone. 

and today, i need my King to be a Victorious King, and my Shepherd to be a gentle Shepherd, and my Counselor to be a Wonder of a Counselor.  He is all those things and so very much more.

Love has come.

daily rescuing.

daily saving.

daily strengthening.

daily quenching.

daily loving, oh how deeply loving with the very word needed-even if it’s ‘technically’ days behind schedule.

sigh.  the grumbling and profanity** has stopped.  although i would not complain if the neighborhood boys did some target practice on some squirrels.

Holy Holy Holy

Lord God Almighty

Merciful and Mighty

in This very place

Holy Holy Holy

are You,

my Love.

my only Hope.

my only source of Strength.

my true Rest.

 

*He taught me about rest.  I sat in Matthew pondering these two verses side by side (11:28-30 and 13:22) and i did think of blogging on it-but the words have been hard to pin down these days-maybe soon?

** Also quoted in Ann’s book these word of Elizabeth Elliot; “[Profanity] is treating as meaningless that which is freighted with meaning.  Treating as common that which is hallowed.  Regarding as a mere triviality what is really a divine design.  Profanity is failure to see the inner mystery.”  p.69 in The Greatest Gift.
my profanity was actually not in the words i wanted to speak over the Christmas lights, it went so much deeper than that. 

 

Love and Lights on a Tuesday

i wish i could have captured the depth of color of these lights

tuesdays have become my one day to be alone in my house.  all the kids at school and the one day a week my husband takes a temporary seat at the office instead of working from home.  i have come to look forward to this day-it?s my Sabbath in a way. but today jeremy had the day off. 

Sunday his mom made chex-mix.  Monday he came home from dropping hannah off at school in the morning a little late with grocery sacks full of chex and pretzels and peanuts.

chex-mix is one of his most favorite things.  you?d think he was 10 again.  but monday came with lots of work, so there was no time to oblige.

***~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~***

i mentioned Saturday that i wished we had put up lights.  jeremy reminded me that his ladder is in the mountains.  we haven?t gotten lights up for a couple of years now.  we didn?t get to it this weekend.  snow is headed our way this week. typically once the snow comes-that?s that.

Christmas lights are one of my most favorite things.  you?d think i was 10 again.  but the weekend came with lots of other stuff so there was no time to oblige.

***~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~***

this tuesday morning, jeremy?s out in his office.  he was supposed to have yesterday off too-but things come up and sometimes it doesn?t happen as planned.  i figure today will be the same, i make my tea and heat up the oven to 200.  today is a slower-paced day and there?s time for chex-mix.  it will bring him joy. 

out in his office jeremy calls his dad to borrow his ladder.  today is mostly a day off and there?s time for lights before the weather turns this afternoon.  it will bring me joy.

he comes in to the smells of chili powder and worcestershire sauce.  he peaks around the corner and his eyes light up- ?chex-mix?!  yeah!?

he heads down under the house and comes up with the outside lights- ?Christmas lights?! yeah!?

***~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~***

by pick-up the sky has turned and the snow has begun to fall.  it is freeeeezing.  but the joy of the lights already twinkling amidst the flakes falling consumes me.  knowing that because tuesday worked out to be a day off after all and the weather waited till late afternoon to turn and my husband?s delight to bring me joy- all added up to this.

on this ordinary day, of this ordinary life…..

getting to love and being loved…..

oh the joy!

  linking up with Emily Freeman:

 







gains and losses

the contrast of two clock towers – London, England

Those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship; but we who have not yet attained it cannot know this in the same way, and cannot even begin to know it at all except by continuing to obey and finding the first reward of our obedience in our increasing power to desire the ultimate reward.  Just in proportion as the desire grows, our fear lest it should be a mercenary desire will die away and finally be recognized as an absurdity.  But probably this will not, for most of us, happen in a day; poetry replaces grammar, gospel replaces law, longing transforms obedience, as gradually as the tide lifts a grounded ship.  
                                      -C.S. Lewis from “The Weight of Glory”

 so we’ve spent some time as a family talking about things.  this house.  school choices.  life choices. about what we lose by staying put, and what we gain.  because that’s just it.  every choice comes with both losses and gains.  the school choices are still in process-one has to move on as he’s entering 6th grade next year.  but everyone, everyone, wanted to stay put in this very house. 

at that meeting-when i spoke-passion welled up from within and spilled out and the words, they. just. came.

that i’m all in with regards to the ministry.  we’re all in. 

and i can’t speak for my family-and it doesn’t seem like any of them were in a place of questioning it all anyway- but something has shifted in me.  this process of late has culminated with an inner shift.

nothing has changed without, but within poetry is replacing grammar and longing is transforming obedience. 

this life we are living is beginning to look like art.

for today, this is where we will stay and do art.

     my heart is growing in contentment more consistently. 

i’ve always had this problem of pining away for something other than whatever it is that i have.  maybe it’s the growing up in a military family where moving was the norm rather than staying put?  the thanksgiving lists help refocus my vision.  but the restlessness for something other is always there.  this Spirit given shift has not removed my restlessness completely-there will always be that this side of heaven as it is heaven that my heart is longing for?  but the restlessness that comes from wanting a different picture painted, a different outcome, a different process, and if i really dig deep enough and am honest, the restlessness?   it’s restlessness wanting a different me. 

i wrote a bit ago that art + no shame = joy.

i have been living ashamed of my art.

ashamed of my home

ashamed of what i do with my time, or don’t do with my time

ashamed of the gospel (i know it is the power of God for those who believe, ….. but still often i am ashamed of it)

ashamed of my writing (the reason i haven’t really told anyone about this blog?)

ashamed of…….

me

that grounded ship of shame is being lifted by the tide

and my understanding of art is deepening

and the joy i’ve been running hard after

that traveling joy that Jesus promised could not be taken

it’s not been found in where i thought it would be

the tide rolls it in and deposits it on the shore of my heart as the shame is lifted out.

and so yes, i’m in.  all in.

the secondary gains and losses ever present

but with shame lost?

JOY gained

Home

She’s come home.  But she doesn’t know it yet.  she paces, she cries, she scratches to get out and go back to where she came from.  not only does she not know this place, she does not know us.  so she does not know yet that she is safe and loved…….

 and home.

 she didn’t ask for this today.  she doesn’t know how good it will be.  she had gotten used to her foster home.  she had gotten used to their smells, their routine, their noises.  she doesn’t know this.  today started out like any other.  it even included a bonus-car ride!  But then, then it’s a new car and the ones she knows left and here she is with these new people.  she likes these new people, but where did her old people go? 

After about 3 hours, she settles enough to lay down.  eventually she settles enough to rest her head.  finally, she follows me into my room, i sit at my desk, and she settles herself onto my bed …… and sleeps. 

 

Welcome home Lady.  we will love you well.

 When has your day/life been interrupted-only to discover later that what you were given was better than you dared imagine?

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