melting

“What do you want?”

…….

the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less

who can know what it is they are to do?

i’ve been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing….
and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
….and the state of this home
and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.

this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21

been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy….and the picture of what he becomes-it’s not even human anymore.

……..

days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything…..the days go one after the other after the other and there is none. and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.

until today. and i sit with this question:

“What do you want?”

and i just don’t have a clue what the answer to that is.

but He does.

and so He shows me:

tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy. for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.

what do i want? joy. unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy.

and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
is all a frantic search for this joy.

it doesn’t come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to….

God’s elect, strangers in the world, scattered…..who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
for obedience to Jesus Christ.

i don’t like being a stranger. i don’t like being scattered. i don’t always like obeying.

melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am. the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it. the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i’m pining for

Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. -psalm 51

for further melting….in a beautiful way: