mel – Page 14 – Chasing Joy

Author: mel (page 14 of 22)

for when i forget what i know

May 6, 2014 / mel

For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

He came to her as she meditated on His knitting. He came to her with joy and assurance as her belly grew. as she and her first born looked at all the photos of the stages of a baby being formed-and marveled at His work.

until……

“i wish i wasn’t me” -zeke age 5

what about when the knitting needles missed a stitch along the way and one is left with a broken body?
when your 5 year old is speaking words that sound too much like suicide?
what then?

He came to her with His words

“not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord Almighty” -zech 4:6

and He came to her with a song in the dark hours of those hard days
(because He knows how the songs work for her)

the Love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell….

and she believed Him.

and He strengthened her.

and He made her to believe His love was in fact greater and deeper and beyond the body that was broken.

and it never occurred to her
not even once
to pray for healing.

last night it occurred to me, that it had never occurred to me to pray for healing.

and now that it had
would i pray?
knowing all the ways we’ve known His deep and great love
as a result of
this broken body that belongs to zeke?

he’s 11 now.

and weeks before this most recent insight, i was given another.

how of all my children-this one has the most freedom to be fully himself in the presence of others.

and i’ve pondered that for a while-perplexed a bit at how in the world that came to be true? and how in the world can i help my other 2 along the path?

but last night as i listened to the question that formed (inside my head) with it’s accusations; “why did you not ever pray for him to be healed? do you not have faith? even through a year of studying all the ways Jesus healed in the book of Matthew-it didn’t come to mind then. why? what does that say about you? what does that say about your love for your son?”

there are a lot of lies mixed in with doubts mixed in with perplexity at the initial questions. and as i sat there clueless. the piano began to play the familiar words that would come to me all those years ago…

oh Love of God
how great and pure
how measureless and strong….

Who is this God? who hears the thought churning inside my head-that no one else hears? who moves the hands of a pianist to play the very words that my heart understands. words that only He could know would soothe and remind of what is true?

the longer i live, the less answers i have.

but one thing i have come to understand is this

God’s love is real.
it’s measureless
it’s strong.
it’s constant
and is not expressed in the way that i think so much of the time.

i praise You because zeke is fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
i know that full well.

my frame was not hidden from you
when i was made in the secret place.
all the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! -psalm 139

(please don’t misunderstand, i in no way mean to imply whether or not prayer for healing is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. i still don’t know why we never thought to pray for healing for my zeke, or if we will begin praying for this. it’s not really about that. this post is about being settled -yet again- in the midst of doubt and confusion-and attack. being settled-yet again- into the love of a Father who knows everything.)

grieving and chasing joy

April 14, 2014 / mel

Tomorrow’s freedom is today’s surrender.”

-from the song Dawn to Dusk by All Sons & Daughters

i’ve been chasing after joy

for a very long time

and one thing i’ve come to understand

is that real, hard, authentic grieving

is how those rough places become smooth

along joy’s path.

grieving
is on the pathway
to joy

but rather than take my small words for it.

grab yourself a cup of tea or coffee

and maybe a tissue or two

and spend some time with Jason Gray and Wally

it may just be what you need.

if you are grieving.

but if you are not, and someone you love is? than these 30 minutes with Jason and Wally will enlighten you so that you can love them well.

stick it out till the end-the song is deeper and beautiful sung in it’s context.

Jason Gray extended interview

(i’m done waiting for this space to be ready. i’ve decided to just begin over here anyway. even though i think the look is a bit off and i haven’t yet learned things like how to insert a video, so you’ll have to use the link to click over to youtube. thank you for grace.)

changing

March 24, 2014 / mel

posted over at the old blog site; blogs.lucashome.net to let those who visit there know what’s happening over here….and to help motivate myself to be diligent to finish getting this space ready.

~~~~~~~~~

I recently heard someone share a story about how they begged their parents to let them do something, their parents agreed, then they realized what they begged for was altogether too much, too scary, too big and so they begged again to retreat and return to how things were before. Mom and dad said no. and this person shared that it was the hardest thing ever…..but she made it through, and experienced a growth that she is thankful to have experienced to this day. grateful that mom and dad said no to the second begging and not the first.

Well here I am. I didn’t actually beg, but I did ask my husband to switch me over to WordPress. And he did. And he even was able to bring all my old posts over. And now I’m faced with learning a new thing and feeling like maybe I should have just stayed with the old software and all its quirks, cause it’s hard to figure out this new one.

But I’m not yet ready to ask to retreat and return.

though I am fumbling slowly through the back side of things.

And it will take time.

And though I don’t really know who you all are out there who come here-I felt like I should explain. And beg for patience and grace and maybe come back soon?

The new address will be chasingjoy.lucashome.net

If you begin to visit there, you’ll not see the content change, but the look of the place keeps changing as I try different things out in the moments that come available. And I suppose there are some blog etiquette rules that say to do these things first and then let people know when the new and polished pages are up and running.

But this space is where I get to be me and etiquette is for the birds in my opinion much of the time.

I’ll shout out an official ‘moving’ post once the new blog is all ready.

Thank you for grace.

asking

March 10, 2014 / mel

Rembrandt’s Christ in the Storm on the Lake of Galilee

a knock on my window.

and i rise

from my place before the alter.
where i sat.
preaching the gospel to myself.

i open the door

and fix two cups of tea.
knowing without asking
to make hers green and mine black.

and we sit

next to each other

the immoral and moral.
the one who has striven to be lord and master of her life by breaking all the rules.
the one who has striven to be lord and master of her life by keeping them.

and is it true?

both the same in their need for a Savior?

both the same in their value to Him?
really? is it?

both with a chasm that we must see.

a chasm that we cannot cross

that keeps us altogether separate,
without God and without hope
in this land we traverse.

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled
At doing evil
Equally skilled
At bribing the judges
Equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands
Both of our hands -jon foreman

but God

But God has provided

and we must see
we must see the provision
for the joy to come in and take up residence in these hearts traversing this land.

God’s love which satisfied His own justice.

And both of His hands
Are equally skilled
At ruining evil
Equally skilled
At judging the judges
Equally skilled
At administering justice

Both of His hands
Both of His hands

Are equally skilled
At showing mercy

Equally skilled
At loving the loveless

Equally skilled
At administering justice

Both of His hands
Both of His hands -jon foreman

and so

this is why i keep asking.

because we both need….. we all need

desperately need his skilled hands

to give us the very thing this day requires

Spirit of wisdom to know Him better
eyes of our hearts enlightened to know the hope and riches of inheritance and power for us who believe.
richness of His mercy that gives life
power to grasp the vastness of His love
strength in Him and His might to take our stand against the devil?s schemes.
help in the struggle.

help in the struggle.
and hope…..
and joy in spite of the struggle.

and both of His hands are equally skilled.
at providing the solution
and showing us mercy
and loving us well
and restoring
oh the skill of His hands to restore.

to draw further in: ephesians-all 6 chapters;

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

grasping

March 7, 2014 / mel

wonderstruck without words
at who You are
look up, You beckon
look up at the vastness
and remember the sky
and the way it reminds you of the vastness
of My love for you.
a knowing….that surpasses knowledge. (what does that even mean??)

And i pray that you, being rooted and established

in love,

may have power…. to grasp

how wide and long and high and deep is

the love of Christ

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge

that you may be filled to the measure of all

the fullness of God.

Now,

to Him who is able

to do immeasurably more

than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him

be glory for ever and ever!

Amen. ephesians 3:17-21

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

February 28, 2014 / mel

For this is God, our God forever and ever;
He will be our guide even to death.
O LORD, You are my God. I will exalt You,
I will praise Your name,
for You have done wonderful things;
Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.
psalm 48:14, isaiah 25:1

May this weekend bring you more and more of God Himself!

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

melting

February 20, 2014 / mel

“What do you want?”

…….

the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less

who can know what it is they are to do?

i’ve been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing….
and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
….and the state of this home
and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.

this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21

been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy….and the picture of what he becomes-it’s not even human anymore.

……..

days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything…..the days go one after the other after the other and there is none. and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.

until today. and i sit with this question:

“What do you want?”

and i just don’t have a clue what the answer to that is.

but He does.

and so He shows me:

tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy. for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.

what do i want? joy. unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy.

and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
is all a frantic search for this joy.

it doesn’t come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to….

God’s elect, strangers in the world, scattered…..who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
for obedience to Jesus Christ.

i don’t like being a stranger. i don’t like being scattered. i don’t always like obeying.

melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am. the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it. the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i’m pining for

Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. -psalm 51

for further melting….in a beautiful way:

When Life has Taught You to Run Past its Best Conversations

Being a Closet Radical

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

slipping

February 18, 2014 / mel

When your feet are slipping, may His faithful Love hold you up. In the multitude of your anxious thoughts within, may His comforts cheer and delight your very soul. -psalm 94:18-19

May God’s word be brought forth from memory to gird up the loins of your mind and may your hope rest fully on the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. -1 peter 1:13

whatever comes, may you be granted power to grasp how high and deep and wide is His very love

for you.

~~~~~~***~~~~~~

inspiring reads from around the web:

from Becca over at TheStanleyClan on fear:

there are no guarantees. Life turns, not as we will it, nor how we prepare for it. Rather, God holds all of our futures in His strong hand, and in His perfect timing. That means we cannot protect against bullets any more certainly than we can protect against a broken heart, both literally and figuratively. Our children’s hearts WILL be broken, as will ours, whether we live in the city or the suburbs. And yes, we will find ourselves in pain and perhaps weeping through the night. But this problem cannot be relegated to simply living in a broken neighborhood. Because the truth remains that we live in an entire world broken in need of a Savior.

from Ann over at AholyExperience: (if i knew how i’d paste a photo of simon’s art, you’ll just have to click over and see)

Sometimes your art will only be seen from the sky, from the perspective of heaven.

The wind will come. Simon’s art will be blown away. Simon knows this.

He still makes art with everyday fallen grace. Simon still creates art knowing it could be gone the very next day.

from Emily over at TheHighCalling

Today a watercolor hangs in our kitchen, a rainbow turtle painted by small hands and offered as a gift. My son didn’t paint to impress, to win, or to compete. He painted as an act of love for me. His expression warms my heart, not because the painting is good but because the boy is mine.
…Perhaps the most beautiful work you can do today is to begin to accept your creative inheritance from God and learn to become yourself in the presence of others, moving into the world as the person you fully are no matter where you are, who you’re with, or what’s gone wrong.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

the Wondering. "Who do You say that i am?"

February 1, 2014 / mel

pay attention to your tears. emily freeman.

Behold His glory. Theaomai His glory. Theaomai from thaomai – “to wonder.” Not a glancing – but a gazing…. –Ann Voskamp

he sits bent over with tears over the “D”. i tell him; “that D doesn?t define you.”

i stare at the official box checked on the very official form delivered by the very official officer; “public nuisance”. and i look down at the four paws in the air with the big belly waiting to be petted. and i tell her; “they say you are a nuisance, if only they could see you for who you really are.”

identity.

Matthew 16 and 17

Jesus; “Who do the people say that I am?”

Disciples; “John the Baptist, Elijah, a prophet.”

Jesus; “Who do you say that I am?”

They head up a mountain, Peter, Jesus, and the brothers James and John. Moses and Elijah join them.

This is my Son, Whom I love, with Him I am well pleased, Listen to Him!

identity.

this morning the Lord turned the question around…..

because i’ve spent enough time thinking on who the people say that i am

God, who do You say that i am?

identity

tho i can?t actually head up a mountain today…i can lock myself in my room. i can shut the door. and….

Listen to Him…..
behold His glory…..
gaze…..
and be struck

identity

oh the Wonder of it all

oh the Wonder

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

the wonder of both grace and peace in abundance

January 28, 2014 / mel

Man’s love of truth is such that when he loves something that is not the truth, he pretends to himself that what he loves is the truth, and because he hates to be proved wrong, he will not allow himself to be convinced he is deceiving himself. So he hates the real truth for the sake of what he takes to his heart in its place. -Augustine as quoted by Os Guinness in Time for Truth p.117

“pay attention to your tears” -emily freeman found in her book a million little ways.

if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. -Jesus Matthew 16:24

the pain of rejection stings. and of being found out.

it stings because this is still my life. my identity. i am still taking cues from outside assessments of me.

this is my cross. that i must daily take up. it’s dying to the getting of my identity from this world.

but Jesus has said; “whoever wants to save his self will lose his self, but whomever loses his self will find his self.” self. psyche. identity.

it comes in all sorts of pretty packages. like bible study, or social justice, or ‘works God has prepared beforehand.’ these were never meant to be my identity. never.

and my heart is deceitful above all things, who can fathom it? it self-protects. when threatened, it fights back. hard.

but Jesus has said; “and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

the truth is, i am selfish. materialistic. idolatrous. etc. etc. etc. in its mechanism to self-protect my heart will reject this and fight with every argument and reason that these things are not true. but they are. i am more sinful than i dared to imagine …..

and more loved than i dared to hope for.

when i know this love. really know it. it melts me. and it does set me free….

to be found out. to be rejected.
to die.

so that i can be resurrected to real life. real self. real identity.
taking the Gospel into the corners.
daily.

maybe this is the ‘mid-life crisis’. (those aren’t really the right words, but i don’t know what else to call it) the realizing the name i’ve not made for myself and the wondering what i now want to do about that. the investing of years of unknown little deaths…and just wanting them to be known and valued. the being worn down by all the messages of what truly makes up a life well lived.

now that i ponder these things, what i want more than anything is to live

hating the real lie for the sake of what i take to my heart in its place…..

and in its place…

could it be joy? …..overwhelming joy?

in an identity found and dependant on

the amazing grace
and greatness of my God.

is this what it means to have grace and peace in abundance? -2 peter 1:2; i mean when i am aware of the abundance of grace needed, it’s usually because of the abundance of screw-ups, and so typically an abundance of peace isn’t what goes with that….

here’s my heart Lord. speak what is true.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Author: mel (page 14 of 22)

for when i forget what i know

grieving and chasing joy

changing

asking

grasping

more

melting

slipping

the Wondering. "Who do You say that i am?"

the wonder of both grace and peace in abundance

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