in 4 days i will forget these words (about Rain) to myself.  literal rain will fall and fall and fall and roads will wash away and again we will be separated from a community we love.  and i will catch a cold and my daughter will catch a cold and we will spend these free days that have come-these days when the schools are closed and all activities are cancelled and tho the road is dry in front of my house, we must stay home. we will spend them sick and with way too much tv and so we are given a gift of rest in a way.  while outside deep losses and griefs are occurring.  and i will get a phone call that frustrates the hell out of me.  the party girl wants cigarettes and she wants me to go get her some.  no. i won’t do that. there are so many things on so many levels that are wrong with that.  the city is flooding for crying out loud.

and as a result my writing is scattered and my thoughts are disorganized.  But in the midst of it all, He still speaks.

outcomes.

these thoughts…. and the old Love and Rockets lyrics play on repeat “these thoughts pin me to the wall”  these thoughts of all these outcomes…

but He whispers in the mist/midst    of my grieving and my gratitude and my temptations to feel guilt for the gratitude and anger for the grief, and longings deep to be somewhere else, and grief over that too, and not really knowing how i feel because it keeps changing each second. and i just want Jesus to come. back. today. right. now. and be done with all this already.

Still, He whispers: 

hope and help

he whispers it through Matthew chapter 1  (really, this is the family tree?? these people??)

he whispers it through Acts 17:26-28 (He determined the exact places where men would live)

(the sticker the National Guard placed on our window of our cabin.  Reminder of where we are not living.)

He speaks through these words from Emily and Ann and a friend:

 “ You can’t control outcomes – you can only model how to become.”

 Am I willing to finally release my perceived right to control every outcome and instead trust the results to God?  

“Trust……when the outcome is beyond our ability to predict……that’s the place of trust.”

This tearing, pulling it’s deep within me.  i feel pulled.  i feel stretched by the outcomes, and lack of them.  i feel torn in two and grasping for hope.  the rain it refreshes and destroys.  and both at the same time only a few miles apart. 

Yet Christ promises hope. 

He promised it=hope.  and in the midst of being torn, he enables to keep going=help.

“For we have no power against this great multitude (of stuff) that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You.  My help is in the name of the LORD who made heaven and earth.”

i was at home in the city getting ready for a trip to the mountains.  reading this and struck speechless with the thought of the gift of the Holy Spirit. the security in being sealed by Him.   had there been time to write-i would have wrote about it. 

we made the lists, gathered the necessities. and left.

left chaos behind.

chaos of the mess in our house, the messiness of relationships here and the messiness brought forth from our own hearts. 

which is why the gift of the constancy of the Holy Spirit living in me renders me struck dumb…  and joyfully grateful.

the road to the cabin winds and my breathing begins to slow.

we have rest there.

i forgot that for a while amidst the work there.*

the rest of friendship and being understood.

the rest of quiet.

the rest of beauty-even with the burnt trees that we need to cut down, there is beauty.

children occupied for hours requiring nothing from me. 

rising with the sun is natural here.

and i journaled this:

in Your Presence is fullness of joy…..
                Oh Mighty One, teach me how to live in awareness of Your Presence constant and consistently

…watching my boys build….God You have a path for my children, and You have chosen this dual life for them (city/country)

                and today

                                i am content.

*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Wonderstruck, chapter 2 p.37:

“The winding dusty path from Egypt to the promised land proves to be far more than a much needed shift in geography or transition from slavery to liberation; the great exodus is a journey in discovering the presende of God anew.

                Abounding love.
                                Generous provision.
                                                Exceptional patience.
                                                                Miraculous power.”

Oh My Father, i long to discover this Presence anew–
                                here at the cabin
                                                and
                                       back in town.

*~~~~~*~~~~~*

and then we came home.

plugged my phone in, charged it up and connected it to the world again. 

began to put things back in order 

and there is this;

a phone call left early that morning.  something ‘important’ (translate- a need of some sort, the needs here are so great…and so complicated)

and i sit and weep a bit inside.

and pray. 

that the Overseer of my very soul, that Great Shepherd of the sheep.

would come and deal with me.

so i can yet again love them.

and be content.

*there’s this whole back-story…this our intended home damaged by wind and then fire.  these 10+years of ‘building’ later we have a cabin.  no utilities.  nothing finished.  but the roof keeps the rain and snow out and the windows and door keep out the wind.  We work on it when we can.