"I am guiding you on the way of wisdom and I am leading you on the right path." Proverbs 4:11
For this is God, our God forever and ever;
He will be our guide even to death.
O LORD, You are my God. I will exalt You,
I will praise Your name,
for You have done wonderful things;
Your counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.
psalm 48:14, isaiah 25:1
May this weekend bring you more and more of God Himself!
“What do you want?”
…….
the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less
who can know what it is they are to do?
i’ve been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing….
and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
….and the state of this home
and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.
this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21
been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy….and the picture of what he becomes-it’s not even human anymore.
……..
days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything…..the days go one after the other after the other and there is none. and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.
until today. and i sit with this question:
“What do you want?”
and i just don’t have a clue what the answer to that is.
but He does.
and so He shows me:
tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy. for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.
what do i want? joy. unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy.
and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
is all a frantic search for this joy.
it doesn’t come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to….
God’s elect, strangers in the world, scattered…..who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
for obedience to Jesus Christ.
i don’t like being a stranger. i don’t like being scattered. i don’t always like obeying.
melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am. the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it. the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i’m pining for
Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. -psalm 51
for further melting….in a beautiful way:
When your feet are slipping, may His faithful Love hold you up. In the multitude of your anxious thoughts within, may His comforts cheer and delight your very soul. -psalm 94:18-19
May God’s word be brought forth from memory to gird up the loins of your mind and may your hope rest fully on the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. -1 peter 1:13
whatever comes, may you be granted power to grasp how high and deep and wide is His very love
for you.
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inspiring reads from around the web:
from Becca over at TheStanleyClan on fear:
there are no guarantees. Life turns, not as we will it, nor how we prepare for it. Rather, God holds all of our futures in His strong hand, and in His perfect timing. That means we cannot protect against bullets any more certainly than we can protect against a broken heart, both literally and figuratively. Our children’s hearts WILL be broken, as will ours, whether we live in the city or the suburbs. And yes, we will find ourselves in pain and perhaps weeping through the night. But this problem cannot be relegated to simply living in a broken neighborhood. Because the truth remains that we live in an entire world broken in need of a Savior.
from Ann over at AholyExperience: (if i knew how i’d paste a photo of simon’s art, you’ll just have to click over and see)
Sometimes your art will only be seen from the sky, from the perspective of heaven.
The wind will come. Simon’s art will be blown away. Simon knows this.
He still makes art with everyday fallen grace. Simon still creates art knowing it could be gone the very next day.
from Emily over at TheHighCalling
Today a watercolor hangs in our kitchen, a rainbow turtle painted by small hands and offered as a gift. My son didn’t paint to impress, to win, or to compete. He painted as an act of love for me. His expression warms my heart, not because the painting is good but because the boy is mine.
…Perhaps the most beautiful work you can do today is to begin to accept your creative inheritance from God and learn to become yourself in the presence of others, moving into the world as the person you fully are no matter where you are, who you’re with, or what’s gone wrong.
We head off to a funeral. the Papa’s life lived leaves room for debate on what really constitutes a life well lived. while in the midst of all the events of the week, i don’t see what is different about us. i only Thank God for the peace that has taken over my heart. attending formal functions can be challenging for us-for anyone with children i suppose-as most children find using forks to be optional and wearing uncomfortable clothes to be stupid.
but upon reflection of this picture i move.
from being thankful for peace in my heart to smile at my son’s chosen activity rather than panic in embarrassment (my more normal pattern).
i move into awareness of his freedom.
“life” my dear friend declares when i show her the picture.
and my vision shifts and i look and i see it too.
life here amongst death.
for him, for us what is different is that there is no fear in death.
we are not afraid of it. he is not afraid of it.
we walk among the graves and comment on the different dates and wonder about the lives lived and losses felt.
but my boy-he moves from there to the next logical place.
joy.
Oh Death where is your victory? oh grave where is your sting?
the kids start school on tuesday-the younger two this coming tuesday, the oldest the folowing tuesday. hence the long delays between posts! thank you for grace.
it was a difficult week. serving ones perceived ungrateful-but in all actuality-hurt.
before i was given the privilage to actually understand, i wanted out. i questioned-why are we doing this? what is the point? it is not that i expect a certain appreciation for our ‘work’, or even to have some ‘100 fold fruit’. but what i do expect is that our ‘work’ will not enable. will not contribute to satan’s work in their lives. and i haven’t always been sure. so when it appears that the people we are serving–are ungrateful, it makes me think they aren’t being helped by my kindness (sometimes helping actually hurts)-and maybe we have made things too comfortable. maybe what is needed is a reality check.
but when what is actually happening is hurt–that is different. kindness and comfort are just what is called for when hurt, isn’t it?
again i remember-i prayed before, during. my responses and interactions were prayed over. but i don’t trust it still. and in Your kindness-right at the very end-You grant understanding. and i see–the response was actually what was needed. and i remember to stop doubting and believe. what i don’t know…. is what it is You are communicating….how it is Your Spirit is translating….what good You are bringing about by my perceived failure. and really-where was i when You laid the foundations of the earth? (translated-Jesus doesn’t’ owe me insight or understanding-it’s grace that He gives it at all)
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forward a couple of weeks. a conversation comes on the craziest of days. one i’m not prepared for and have no time for. i speak into a heart who knows You not. i shoot up prayers of help in the conversation and the words-they just come. and again i doubt. was that portion* of the gospel what was really needed? did the truth break through or did i just muddy the waters and enable this one to continue on the path apart from You? conversation over, moving on into the tasks of this crazy/craziest day. pleading, pleading in the car for You to break through. will you give me insight this time to see that it was what was needed? probably not. but will i remember once again to trust? trust that You are communicating-Your Spirit is translating?
*for it seems most often it’s pieces of the gospel handed out one morsel at a time….
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what is it that i really want? am i still not free from the chains of ‘getting it right?’ the chains of forgetting Who. You. Are. that Who. You. Are. is sufficient-for their needs and mine?
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i take a “walk break”. a day comes that affords me some quiet. and i sit. in. Your. Presence.
words pierce through-pierce through the fog that is threatening to engulf me. today i am giving into it….sort of. letting it come. shutting the door. sitting before the One who gave all for love of me. reading and reading and reading. but it is all just blurred and jumbled in the fog. still tired….exhausted really. still under pressure, far beyond my ability. and guilt for even thinking that in light of pressure that exists elsewhere. ….and loss of joy. joy engulfed in this fog, i grasp for it.
until the piercing words.
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taking this ‘one minute walk amidst of the 3 minute run’. it’s restoring the joy. restoring the freedom that comes when i remember; being this cracked pot that i am shows that the all-surpassing power is from God and not me.
for when my heart is overwhelmed within-He leads me to the Rock that is higher than i. that Rock who laid the foundations of the earth.
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Psalm 21:1
For the choir director. A Davidic psalm. LORD, the king finds joy in Your strength. How greatly he rejoices in Your victory!
Nehemiah 8:9-10
9 Then Nehemiah, who was the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, “ This day is holy to the Lord your God; do not mourn or weep.” For all the people were weeping when they heard the words of the law. 10 Then he said to them, “Go, eat of the fat, drink of the sweet, and send portions to him who has nothing prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”
what is the joy of the Lord? the joy of knowing the the Lord. of being known….by Him. of having returned from exile, of reading His words?
Hebrews 12 says ‘for the joy set before Him, He endured the cross’
angels rejoice when one sinner repents.
from Nehemiah-they have returned, rebuilt the wall, read from His words, grieved. and Nehemiah says to them, do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength and stronghold.
the concept of joy eludes me, i’ve been reaching for it ever since i read in John ‘no one will be able to take away your joy’; and ‘i say these things…so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them.’ and then seeing in acts, after being flogged they went out rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for His Name..” (John 15-17, Acts 5)
what in the world is it that would overcome the natural emotions associated with having been flogged and replace it with rejoicing? what did that rejoicing look like? that joy set before that would enable one to endure the cross, scorning it’s shame? it definately was not happiness. Neither Jesus nor the disciples would have been happy about what was happenning. this must be something else.
in the case of Nehemiah, the people were grieving after understanding God’s word. i am thinking, grieving over how short they had fallen? but Nehemiah tells them not to grieve, that the joy of the Lord is their strength and stronghold.
strength and stronghold. Lord i want to get this, really get this at the core of my being.
is this preaching the gospel to myself over and over again? the joy that is the result of having been saved? Psalm 21 says ‘the king shall joy in Your strength, O Lord; and in Your salvation how greatly shall He rejoice.’ Psalm 28 reads ‘the LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart exults (rejoice exceedingly), and with song I will praise Him.
sometimes it doesn’t seem like salvation or victory or help has come….but never- is the fact that salvation and victory and help Ultimately and where it matters most-never can this be taken or undone. is this once again, where the cross not only stills my questions (vs. answers them) but also that the cross is my source of joy that gives strength and is a stronghold. could it be that once i grasp this-once my heart truly rests in this, i could actually endure being flogged and go out rejoicing? it seems pretty far-fetched. but then i remember that last year when i studied the book of Acts, i studied it as the book of Acts of the Holy Spirit, not of the apostles. so if in fact i should one day face flogging-the Holy Spirit could overcome my heart with rejoicing-using that same Power that raised Jesus from the dead. but in the mean time-it’s not flogging i face, but rejection. and misunderstanding, and disappointment. and fitting in, and letting go, and not belonging, and plywood floors and front yards full of weeds. and children who bicker. and people who want nothing to do with You. and work that is exhausting. and fires in the mountains. and the fact that any proper English writer would use proper grammar and never start a sentence with the word ‘and.’ these are small things-can i be faithful even in these small things? oh how unfaithful i am with these small things. but the principle does work here. the joy of the Lord, the joy that He delights in me; that His love will not fail; that there is no condemnation for those in Christ; that He counted me worthy to hang on that cross…even Me! even tho like a 2 year old i whine about far too much. my heart can be settled with Nehemiah’s words too. I rejoice in the Lord, my salvation. He loves me deeply and has rescued me from the pit. it is right to grieve over my sin-it is right to let His restoration and forgiveness replace that grief with Joy. its a process to go thru, not to avoid.
oh it does bring joy in the depths.
and i do thank Him in song.
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