settling – Page 2 – Chasing Joy

Category: settling (page 2 of 3)

Restoring Wonder | considering the sky

December 20, 2014 / mel

These days have found me praying with my children over lost stuffed animals and substitute teachers and help with end of semester tests; while in my own prayer closet i’m beating my breast over broken marriages, sudden deaths, mysterious illnesses, and that despite all the wickedness in the world my love would not grow cold. (matt 24) I tell my children that the One who placed each star in its place and set the earth to spinning knows the hairs on their heads and cares about the big and little things. the words spill out of my mouth and my doubting heart listens.

sometimes you need to preach to your heart rather than listen to it.

-Jeremy Weinland

and so as i’m preaching truth to myself these days and keeping my eyes pealed for Wonder at this One who names those stars, words spoken long ago slip into the recesses of my mind and begin to do their work….

Look at the sky, can you grasp its height? Can you fathom its depth? its length? its width? That is how much your Father loves you.

-Amy Carmichael*

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father….
That He would grant us, according to the riches of His glory

To be strengthened, with might through His Spirit
In the inner man….

That we,
Being rooted and grounded
In love,

May be able to comprehend
With all the Saints
what is the

Width
Length
Depth
Height
of our Star Maker’s Love

and to know
this love of Christ
which
passes
knowledge.
in the depths of our very souls

To draw further in: Matthew 24; Ephesians 3

*not an exact quote, i think i loaned my book out so this is from memory.

for understanding | composition

November 17, 2014 / mel

Her eyes give away the anxiousness mixed with anticipation. in her thoughts she reminds herself that her God is both good and sovereign and can be trusted with what He gives and where He leads.

Photo taken at a Quilt Show in 2011. I do not know the artist’s name.

composing those words and this picture amidst a scene of other excited travelers embarking on a wonderful week-long artist retreat in Normandy France would carry the statements about God into a specific place in a receiver’s heart.

composing those words and this picture amidst a scene of bomb-destroyed rubble and other weary and frightened travelers embarking on a long journey to a refugee camp would carry the statements about God into a very different place in the receiver’s heart.

same words, same picture. different understanding.

the places that the Lord is inviting me- you know, those places of feeling inept, the pain of being misunderstood, of struggling with communication. i have become aware of a myriad of ways this is playing out in my life these days. Providentially showing up it seems everywhere i turn. and so my Father has my attention and i am seeing various places for tearing down idols and building up strength in Him. so here i am with another unplanned series.

today is a lesson in composition.

i have mastered enough of the English language to effectively use words to communicate.

however, that composition thing-the way words filter in through the composition of a person’s life and land where they will within that– Jesus alone is master of the skill of weaving words perfectly and personally, getting to the individual heart of things. He is also the master of the skill of giving enough detail in such a way to gain understanding. me-i am inept at all of that. and so if anything i say is to be understood the way it is meant to be understood-He will have to intervene. and if anything i say is to be understood the way HE means it to be, He will have to intervene there too.

…”for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

and so the Master Communicator invites me to pray over my words….

….and then release them into His capable hands.

Winnie-the-Pooh and Inner Joy

November 7, 2014 / mel

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder and as part of his therapy we have used The Engine Program. He has three different engine possibilities and for the sake of understanding we labeled them; Tigger (high), Pooh (perfect), Eeyore (low). His engine is not the same as his emotions-it’s part of his processing of the world. If his engine is Pooh, he can deal with sadness and disappointment in a healthy, typical way. If his engine is Eeyore, however, that same sadness or disappointment would crush him, in fact anything and everything crushes him when his Engine is Eeyore. It’s hard to put words around it, but we all who have witnessed these different ‘Engines’ understand. So we do check-in’s regularly and prescribe appropriate therapies to return to a Pooh level if needed. and those seasons that find him bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, not able to regulate-those require a diligent daily Sensory Diet until he is able to maintain that Pooh level again. Another thing to note here is that the therapies always have a delayed effectiveness-i have never found it to be immediate.

I like Pooh, I have ever since I was a little girl…..i interrupt this post to bring you a brief reminder on how wonderful the Pooh stories are…..

It was a drowsy summer afternoon, and the Forest was full of gentle sounds, which all seemed to be saying to Pooh, “Don’t listen to Rabbit, listen to me.” So he got into a comfortable position for not listening to Rabbit…..

–In Which Tigger is Unbounced by A. A. Milne

moving on….

bird

I’ve been studying the beginnings of Israel’s wilderness wanderings. Growing in understanding of Who the Lover of my soul is, and the truth that He is my only Hope, my only Security. Knowing that the more i grasp the truth of this, the more i am free to enjoy the withering grass and fading flowers. Freed from the requirement of comforts in order to experience JOY. Enjoying a thing vs. being enslaved by a thing -oh it is truly for freedom that He Has Come.

Hpim1093

With those thoughts percolating for a few weeks, on Sunday I find myself listening to wisdom from Solomon. and among the nuggets of truth, these words are read aloud and i catch my breath.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

-2 Corinthians 4:7-10

This is what it means for me, a Christian-to have an Engine that is Pooh!

those years of therapies culminate for me on this day into a real object lesson that i can grasp.

when my Engine is Pooh, i possess an inner joy and inner strength. and i can be hard pressed, but not crushed, perplexed, but not abandoned. But when i’m bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, i need a ‘daily sensory diet’ to get my Engine regulated. The effectiveness isn’t always immediate for me either. this Engine is still a bit of an unpredictable mystery even after all these years. but consistent and daily therapies do produce results. Over time i’m given Power to Grasp, and that Freedom that truly sets me free. and my Engine maintains at Pooh on a more regular basis.

and when it doesn’t i meditate on words like these:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power…in this You greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

-1 Peter 1:3-9

To draw further in; Exodus 19 and 20, slowing down especially on 19:3-13; 1 Kings 3:7-10; 11:1-6; Ecclesiastes 11-12

An Unexpected Journey-headed north

August 6, 2014 / mel

hope has been restored and that is a big thing.

We’ve left the Dear Ones in the South that i come from, and head to the North to Dear Ones on the other side.

We’ve traveled from the heat of the desert to the cool of the mountains. i’m physically fatigued-but spiritually restored and that makes all the difference. still, i’ve caught the older one’s sickness.

because, of course.

the choice is presented for a 6 mile hike and really it’s foolish to even consider. this cold, or flu, or whatever it is, carries with it a cough and shortness of breath as it is. but-we’re at a family reunion-and we’re in S. Dakota. and there are all the people. and i just think that it seems we are sick every time we travel and so i could stay in bed and rest to get better or i could go and do things i can’t do at home with people i very rarely see.

so i go.

and since i have one son who can run a mile in 7 minutes and it takes just the glimpse of where we are going for him to loose awareness of anything else but that-he starts hiking. Jeremy, working to keep up with him, calls back to me and my youngest that he’ll keep track of this one if i keep track of that one. it makes sense, i’m sick and the one with me is our slow and steady one. but …. in the haste we forget that Jeremy is carrying all of our water and food.

and i wonder if i will make it.

it is glorious. and so worth it.

of course when i get back to camp i limp over to our camper and crash. and now it is plainly obvious to everyone that i am sick and getting sicker. and there are a few naysayers who call my choice the foolishness that it is. the words don’t stick. a day without regrets has been redefined.

An Unexpected Journey-headed south

August 4, 2014 / mel

mimi colorado

the heat of the sun soaks into the broken van. stuck there at exit 49 along the Colorado River and the kids aren’t quite sure what to think or say-so they sit there with big eyes and quick obedience. i cry and pray that the tears will stop once the phone does find a signal and i am required to communicate clearly where we are and what we need. i drain the car battery trying to keep the dying phone alive. my phone’s charge lasts long enough to connect with roadside assistance, and there is nothing left to connect with my husband who is all the way back home.

Howard the tow-truck driver is on his way. the kids help me pack up the car and get ready. i tear my favorite pants on the guard-rail. i answer their questions as best i can; -the tow truck is coming-he will get us to the nearest city. some Dear Ones –who were adventuring themselves and aren’t too far away-are coming to help too.

after dumping the van-Howard drops us off at a dairy queen to await our coming help. i breathe deep at the sight of the elementary school across the way. we get our ice cream and walk over to wait.

and i am thankful for the elementary school playground and ice cream. and for Howard who was so very kind. thankful for the exit 49 so i could be off the highway. thankful for the husband on the phone who is so very kind too. thankful for the finding of a hotel-a fancy shmancy hotel-for cheap. the term Travel Mercies is being redefined.

still, here i am

with all these decisions to make. lots and lots of decisions. i have this complex and difficult history with decisions that adds to the struggle. i’ve begun to understand this about me.

i wake in the night to hear her tossing and turning. the thermometer reads 102. she says her throat hurts bad. i’ve nothing to offer for relief and no transportation. i do what i can to make her comfortable, taking her cot and giving her the bed. the boys sleep soundly through it all, it’s all a grand adventure and these detours are nothing to lose sleep over- to them.

i flex and make a new plan for tomorrow;

pick up rental go to urgent care
pick up rental
stop at transmission shop.
sell car to the junk yard.
get back on our way? or just go home?

we all decide that continuing on is the wise choice. there are cousins to connect with and a new cousin to meet. the kids have no idea how hard this all is. all these decisions made with limited information and limited sleep. they are good sports and enjoy themselves regardless of what i choose.

the sick one spends her days in bed while the boys and their cousin play in their fort. grandma stays behind, because though my sick one is 14, i won’t let her be sick on her own. we girls, as we’ve been called for years and years, spend rare hours together. the ruts in the road are well worn and try as we might to forge a new path these ruts are deep, compounded by distance and lack of time for tending. i realize this as we have time for talking, brief moments to share from our hearts. i tread lightly-testing the ground as i go to see if it is safe to move forward. sometimes it is and i share deeply. sometimes it isn’t and i hold back. sometimes i forget about the testing and self-editing and realize after the places that cause discomfort for them and for me. there are moments to ponder that these are the ones who have known me the longest….yet, in some ways, hardly know me at all.

my prayers are reduced to groaning. i’m losing my footing and beginning to forget what i know. i’m spending time with family by day and tending to a sick teenager by night. the fog creeps in and my body shifts into survival, physical and spiritual fatigue takes its toll. the One who knows and understands everything, He breaks through the fog and gives strength to keep going and keep loving and keep engaging. to listen and seek to know, without seeking to be known.

“in times like these,” He encourages, “it’s no longer about being in the word every day. it’s about living the word every moment.”

still, despite the personal victory won of remaining engaged, other hopes fade and begin to die out.

i take a risk and share with a friend;

“it’s just hard to see any hope of anything else but this ever.”

he replies;

“Don’t give up hope. God is big.”

as our travel shifts to the North, my eyes and heart begin to take in hope. those words spoken by a fellow traveler are life giving. the fog lifts if only a little. my eyes catch glimpses of hope in unexpected places. i grab the camera and my pen, because i want to remember both the bigness of my God and the way He speaks.

“I AM your feast, in the presence of enemies...” (via jon foreman/psalm 23)

a tree-growing out of the rock. planted and tended and grown by the Only One who could.

words that press in just the right places:

Oh child, I have searched and known you!
I know when you sit down and when you rise up;
I discern your thoughts from afar.
I search out your path and your lying down and Am acquainted with all your ways.
Even before a word is on your tongue, behold, I the LORD, know it altogether.
I hem you in, behind and before and I lay My Hand upon you.
(psalm 139)

He is big.
Bask in the hope of His Bigness
Behold it.
Bask in the Wonder of being searched, known, and treasured.

and then, seriously, i’m walking under Mt. Rushmore’s hall of flags and i look up and see this!! It’s Rhode Island’s flag, in case anyone wants to know. the 13th state. Admitted to the Union in 1790

“And this hope is an anchor to our very soul, because He who promised is Faithful.”

on leadership

May 13, 2014 / mel

One of my volunteers standing in the kitchen says to me;

“shall i put the strawberries in the fridge?”

“uh….sure?”

And i walk away shaking my head at the both of us. If she thinks the strawberries should go in the fridge, then just put them there-why ask me for permission? And me? Why when the question comes my way do i find myself stuck completely unsure of the answer? It’s the simplest question ever. But, of course. i must begin thinking about how i just discovered that tomatoes are better if not refrigerated…hmm…is that true about strawberries? i don’t know. What. In. the. World. Is. Wrong. With. Me? Just pick an answer-yes or no-it doesn’t matter! It’s just strawberries for crying out loud!

There are bigger decisions to make this week and bigger areas of leadership than the strawberries. And i seem to fumble along the same in all the scenarios. It’s all a bit much.

Driving home i ponder who’s brilliant idea it was anyway to put me in charge.

Oh yeah
It was Him-the One who names the stars.

if you are obeying only when it makes sense, you’re refusing to admit the wisdom differential between you and God. That’s not obedience, that’s agreement. -Gary Glover

When i’m asking Him to make sense of the assignment, i want to both understand the wisdom in it and see tangible fruit in the outcome. To get to really see that it ‘worked!’

And this is a joy-sucker

Because there are way too many variables in life to insure or predict outcomes of anything.

And if my satisfaction and joy come solely from results? Than the lack there-of will suck the joy right away. And if results happen? Then my joy will be resting on shaky ground.

And as to making sense of the assignment? That for me often means agreeing that i am the one for the job. and if i lose sight of my dependence, then my joy will be resting on shaky ground.

And anyway, the words the Lord continues to whisper to me day in and day out are these:

You don’t know. You don’t need to know.

He’s not asking me for agreement; He’s asking me for obedience….He’s asking me to Trust. Him.

becuse this Trust of Him
is a link to Joy.
To the Joy of simply having obeyed.

How?

It boils down to that whole wisdom differential-
trust of the One who does really know everything.
trust rested on the solid ground of Who God Is and What He has Promised.

For He who promised is Faithful.

And that’s really all i need to know.

for when i forget what i know

May 6, 2014 / mel

For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

He came to her as she meditated on His knitting. He came to her with joy and assurance as her belly grew. as she and her first born looked at all the photos of the stages of a baby being formed-and marveled at His work.

until……

“i wish i wasn’t me” -zeke age 5

what about when the knitting needles missed a stitch along the way and one is left with a broken body?
when your 5 year old is speaking words that sound too much like suicide?
what then?

He came to her with His words

“not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord Almighty” -zech 4:6

and He came to her with a song in the dark hours of those hard days
(because He knows how the songs work for her)

the Love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell….

and she believed Him.

and He strengthened her.

and He made her to believe His love was in fact greater and deeper and beyond the body that was broken.

and it never occurred to her
not even once
to pray for healing.

last night it occurred to me, that it had never occurred to me to pray for healing.

and now that it had
would i pray?
knowing all the ways we’ve known His deep and great love
as a result of
this broken body that belongs to zeke?

he’s 11 now.

and weeks before this most recent insight, i was given another.

how of all my children-this one has the most freedom to be fully himself in the presence of others.

and i’ve pondered that for a while-perplexed a bit at how in the world that came to be true? and how in the world can i help my other 2 along the path?

but last night as i listened to the question that formed (inside my head) with it’s accusations; “why did you not ever pray for him to be healed? do you not have faith? even through a year of studying all the ways Jesus healed in the book of Matthew-it didn’t come to mind then. why? what does that say about you? what does that say about your love for your son?”

there are a lot of lies mixed in with doubts mixed in with perplexity at the initial questions. and as i sat there clueless. the piano began to play the familiar words that would come to me all those years ago…

oh Love of God
how great and pure
how measureless and strong….

Who is this God? who hears the thought churning inside my head-that no one else hears? who moves the hands of a pianist to play the very words that my heart understands. words that only He could know would soothe and remind of what is true?

the longer i live, the less answers i have.

but one thing i have come to understand is this

God’s love is real.
it’s measureless
it’s strong.
it’s constant
and is not expressed in the way that i think so much of the time.

i praise You because zeke is fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
i know that full well.

my frame was not hidden from you
when i was made in the secret place.
all the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! -psalm 139

(please don’t misunderstand, i in no way mean to imply whether or not prayer for healing is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. i still don’t know why we never thought to pray for healing for my zeke, or if we will begin praying for this. it’s not really about that. this post is about being settled -yet again- in the midst of doubt and confusion-and attack. being settled-yet again- into the love of a Father who knows everything.)

grasping

March 7, 2014 / mel

wonderstruck without words
at who You are
look up, You beckon
look up at the vastness
and remember the sky
and the way it reminds you of the vastness
of My love for you.
a knowing….that surpasses knowledge. (what does that even mean??)

And i pray that you, being rooted and established

in love,

may have power…. to grasp

how wide and long and high and deep is

the love of Christ

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge

that you may be filled to the measure of all

the fullness of God.

Now,

to Him who is able

to do immeasurably more

than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him

be glory for ever and ever!

Amen. ephesians 3:17-21

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

melting

February 20, 2014 / mel

“What do you want?”

…….

the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less

who can know what it is they are to do?

i’ve been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing….
and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
….and the state of this home
and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.

this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21

been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy….and the picture of what he becomes-it’s not even human anymore.

……..

days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything…..the days go one after the other after the other and there is none. and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.

until today. and i sit with this question:

“What do you want?”

and i just don’t have a clue what the answer to that is.

but He does.

and so He shows me:

tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy. for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.

what do i want? joy. unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy.

and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
is all a frantic search for this joy.

it doesn’t come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to….

God’s elect, strangers in the world, scattered…..who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
for obedience to Jesus Christ.

i don’t like being a stranger. i don’t like being scattered. i don’t always like obeying.

melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am. the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it. the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i’m pining for

Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. -psalm 51

for further melting….in a beautiful way:

When Life has Taught You to Run Past its Best Conversations

Being a Closet Radical

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

in This place?

December 13, 2013 / mel

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it! Genesis 28:16

i come in the door grumbling grumbling.

we’ve been spending ourselves this week on behalf of Isaiah 58 people.

the exhaustion is beginning to take it’s toll.

Wednesday, i was at the dentist sitting in the chair next to my daughter and the hygienist completely lost in October’s National Geographic. So much so that they kept asking me questions and talking to me and i was completely oblivious with my head in the pictures of N. Korea and the Congo. Finally my daughter yells out; “MOM! It’s time to go!” i look up and they are both staring at me as if they maybe had mentioned this already a couple of times??

late last night, somewhere between pulling into the driveway and my front door, i lost the car keys.

still, i left that to the light of the next day and attempted to make a birthday cake for my daughter. the pan tipped and spilled half-baked cake all over the oven.

i plop myself down on the couch to try that too again tomorrow and look out my window…..no lights.

those dang squirrels chewed a bulb off-now only ¼ of them light up.

after rehearsing spelling words with my 3^rd grader in the car this morning and shooing him off with a story to remember why there is a silent K in front of Knight, i drive home and the grumbling begins to rumble and spill out within.

pulling into the driveway and i remember those dang lights. and in my grumbling profanity over the lights welled up within and dang wasn’t the word i wanted to use.

i told myself it was silly to speak so about Christmas lights.

i am a complete mess.

last night driving home the words to myself were instead; “i am a complete fool.”

all the volunteers for this week are looking to me to lead them. my children are looking to me to lead them. profanity wells up within about that.

grumbling all the way i plop myself down and am irritated that the whole wide world seems to go on without needing to stop in front of the King of Kings, the Wonder of a Counselor, but no, not i. i am desperate and needy. and completely irritated at that fact. (do you see it? those lies that are such nonsense, but man, in the moment they seem so true.)

and he’s working hard, that infuriated accuser. he’s giving it all he’s got to keep me right here. exhausted and irritated. profaning the Son of God and His provision….or perceived lack there of.

flipping over the promise chart-i read these words:

The Promise of Victory

“Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 john 5:5

oh and those words begin to do their work.

i make my tea and block out the rest of the accusations about how this chai has too much sugar and i’m on December 8^th in ‘The Greatest Gift” so i should just give it up.

I open Ann’s new book to page 65

The only words on the page staring up at me are these:

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Genesis 28:16

and i sit and let these tidings of comfort wash over me, lingering before turning the page for more.

(if you don’t have the book-the focus on the reading is Genesis 28:10-16-read that and the rest will make sense i think?)

You can feel it…..like life’s this stairway that you just never stop climbing…..Like all these lists are rungs, like your failures stretch from earth to heaven, like all your rest feels like lying down on one unforgiving stone.

-Ann Voskamp The Greatest Gift p.68

and the tears that fill my eyes blur the rest of the words on the page.

the bugs and the foolishness and the cake and the congo and it all does feel like rest* on one unforgiving stone.

and today, i need my King to be a Victorious King, and my Shepherd to be a gentle Shepherd, and my Counselor to be a Wonder of a Counselor. He is all those things and so very much more.

Love has come.

daily rescuing.

daily saving.

daily strengthening.

daily quenching.

daily loving, oh how deeply loving with the very word needed-even if it’s ‘technically’ days behind schedule.

sigh. the grumbling and profanity** has stopped. although i would not complain if the neighborhood boys did some target practice on some squirrels.

Holy Holy Holy

Lord God Almighty

Merciful and Mighty

in This very place

Holy Holy Holy

are You,

my Love.

my only Hope.

my only source of Strength.

my true Rest.

*He taught me about rest. I sat in Matthew pondering these two verses side by side (11:28-30 and 13:22) and i did think of blogging on it-but the words have been hard to pin down these days-maybe soon?

** Also quoted in Ann’s book these word of Elizabeth Elliot; “[Profanity] is treating as meaningless that which is freighted with meaning. Treating as common that which is hallowed. Regarding as a mere triviality what is really a divine design. Profanity is failure to see the inner mystery.” p.69 in The Greatest Gift.
my profanity was actually not in the words i wanted to speak over the Christmas lights, it went so much deeper than that.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Category: settling (page 2 of 3)

Restoring Wonder | considering the sky

for understanding | composition

Winnie-the-Pooh and Inner Joy

An Unexpected Journey-headed north

An Unexpected Journey-headed south

on leadership

for when i forget what i know

grasping

melting

in This place?

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