pay attention to your tears. emily freeman. 

Behold His glory. Theaomai His glory. Theaomai from thaomai – “to wonder.”  Not a glancing – but a gazing…. –Ann Voskamp

he sits bent over with tears over the “D”.  i tell him; “that D doesn?t define you.”

i stare at the official box checked on the very official form delivered by the very official officer; “public nuisance”.  and i look down at the four paws in the air with the big belly waiting to be petted.  and i tell her; “they say you are a nuisance, if only they could see you for who you really are.”

identity.

Matthew 16 and 17

Jesus; “Who do the people say that I am?”

Disciples; “John the Baptist, Elijah, a prophet.”

Jesus; “Who do you say that I am?”

They head up a mountain, Peter, Jesus, and the brothers James and John.  Moses and Elijah join them. 

This is my Son, Whom I love, with Him I am well pleased, Listen to Him!

identity.

this morning the Lord turned the question around…..

because i’ve spent enough time thinking on who the people say that i am

 God, who do You say that i am?

identity

tho i can?t actually head up a mountain today…i can lock myself in my room.  i can shut the door. and….

Listen to Him…..
      behold His glory…..
          gaze…..
                and be struck

identity

oh the Wonder of it all

oh the Wonder

Man’s love of truth is such that when he loves something that is not the truth, he pretends to himself that what he loves is the truth, and because he hates to be proved wrong, he will not allow himself to be convinced he is deceiving himself.  So he hates the real truth for the sake of what he takes to his heart in its place.  -Augustine as quoted by Os Guinness in Time for Truth p.117

 “pay attention to your tears”  -emily freeman found in her book a million little ways.

if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. -Jesus Matthew 16:24

the pain of rejection stings.  and of being found out. 

it stings because this is still my life.  my identity.  i am still taking cues from outside assessments of me.

this is my cross.  that i must daily take up.  it’s dying to the getting of my identity from this world. 

but Jesus has said; “whoever wants to save his self will lose his self, but whomever loses his self will find his self.”  self.  psyche.  identity. 

it comes in all sorts of pretty packages.  like bible study, or social justice, or ‘works God has prepared beforehand.’  these were never meant to be my identity.  never. 

and my heart is deceitful above all things, who can fathom it?  it self-protects.  when threatened, it fights back.  hard.

but Jesus has said; “and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

the truth is, i am selfish.  materialistic.  idolatrous. etc. etc. etc.  in its mechanism to self-protect my heart will reject this and fight with every argument and reason that these things are not true.  but they are.  i am more sinful than i dared to imagine …..

and more loved than i dared to hope for. 

when i know this love.  really know it.  it melts me.  and it does set me free…. 

to be found out.  to be rejected.
          to die.

so that i can be resurrected to real life.  real self.  real identity. 
       taking the Gospel into the corners.
            daily. 

maybe this is the ‘mid-life crisis’. (those aren’t really the right words, but i don’t know what else to call it) the realizing the name i’ve not made for myself and the wondering what i now want to do about that.  the investing of years of unknown little deaths…and just wanting them to be known and valued.  the being worn down by all the messages of what truly makes up a life well lived.

now that i ponder these things, what i want more than anything is to live

hating the real lie for the sake of what i take to my heart in its place…..

and in its place…

 could it be joy? …..overwhelming joy?

 in an identity found and dependant on

 the amazing grace
          and greatness of my God.

is this what it means to have grace and peace in abundance?  -2 peter 1:2;  i mean when i am aware of the abundance of grace needed, it’s usually because of the abundance of screw-ups, and so typically an abundance of peace isn’t what goes with that….

here’s my heart Lord.  speak what is true.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on His hands,
My name is written on His heart;
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.
            Because the sinless Savior died,
           My sinful soul is counted free;
           For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Praise the One,
Risen Son of God!

Behold Him there, the Risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I am,
The King of glory and of grace!
            One with Himself I cannot die
            My soul is purchased by His blood

My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God

Before the Throne original words by Chartie L. Bancroft.  I happen to like this rendition musically.  Photos taken in Uganda in 2010.  in that last photo if you look closely you can see the lions in the bottom left hidden behind the grass.  we almost didn’t see them and stop because we were watching the elephants.

My soul cleaves to the dust;
Revive me according to Your word.
I have told of my ways, and You have answered me;
Teach me Your statutes.
Make me understand the way of Your precepts,
So I will meditate on Your wonders.
            -psalm 119:25-27 nasb

every day i read Sara Hagerty’s adoration instagram

last year i read the book Wonderstruck by Margaret Feinberg.  

both have been such gifts in regards to awe and wonder and focus on Who Christ Is.

and it has been extremely tempting lately to think with these amazing words, what could i possibly add?  that’s partly why it’s been quiet around here. which is just plain…ridiculous.  but there it is.  moving on….

my daughter and husband are over in the kitchen heads bent over the f (x) and the function of y and and some such algebraic equation to figure out something about the weight and height of some random basketball player.  

i tried to help.  but i kept saying the same thing and she said, “no mom, that’s not right,” and i said, “but yes, isn’t it?”  and “why are you asking me?”

so dad was called in and he sits next to her and asks the questions that lead to understanding and they wrestle through it and tears come but they keep going and eventually the tears dry up and understanding replaces confusion and hope of completing the assignment returns.

the help of a father that works.

i sit back and observe.  not to compare and condemn.  but intrigued by the process.  especially because i’ve been sitting here in psalm 119:25-32.  

Let me understand the teaching of Your precepts; 
     then i will meditate on Your wonders.
-psalm 119:27 niv84 

hmmm….if the video doesn’t work, try this one

words have been hard to come by lately-not sure what is completely up with that.  hoping to continue writing more regularly here….maybe even finish the month off with adoration and wonder?  thank you for grace. 

i’ve spent 3 days trying to write this post.  i’ve written it over at least 3 times.

and i’m seeing something.  

the whisper of wonder wasn’t necessarily an assignment of sorts to write for 31 days about it.

it was an invitation to enter into it.  to live it.

yet again.

this post was originally titled the wonder of His counsel.

and it was all about how he counsels me in the outcomes……of my decisions.

the outcome of where i decided to live….where i decided to send my kids to school….who i decided to let walk through my door….the worlds i decided to enter into…the “ministry” i decided to engage in or leave….

before us is a crossroads….all. the. time.

we were watching a video of a pitcher.  He pitches the ball.  a bird’s flight path intersects the ball at precisely the moment to be struck.  the ball never makes it to the batter.  all you see are feathers exploding everywhere.  that bird never. saw. it. coming.

one. half. second. later. 

if he had sent that ball only ½ second later

the bird’s life would have been spared.

it represents what i’ve been asking for with the latest decisions related to my children especially.  i’m not really asking God for guidance.

i’m asking him to tell me which path will be the one where the bird will not get pummeled by the pitch…..i happen to like birds and seriously, what are the odds??

and it’s because i’ve lost my sense of wonder.

my vision has clouded over

and i am afraid.

and so He is a wonder of a counselor.  and He has been counseling me over the last few days.  

but today i sat at home while the rest of the family headed off to church.  after sleeping for roughly 18 hours (from the bug going around) i’m up.

and i did my homework:

Matthew  14   “Take courage…I Am”

and Shannon’s assignment. 

So, it seems the only way through this life is the constant reminder that it doesn’t belong to me.

and then i looked up that song i remembered from so long ago by Natalie Merchant.

and wouldn’t you know it.

it’s called Wonder.

and all the pieces of counsel are falling into place.  

and i know.

that the choice is ever before me-to transfer my trust from______
     to Christ.

one choice is safe.

the other leads to Wonder.  
it challenges everyone’s balance because it will require a ‘but God’

the whispering is an invitation to live Wonder.

each step of the way.

we have some decisions to make.  
and we have limited information.
because i don’t know beyond this moment.
this i have learned along the way.  

tomorrow could hold any number of joys or sorrows.  
and my decision today may have something to do with that.
or it may not.
either way deadlines come and the decision must be made.  

and so i pray.
and i seek the Lord’s councel.

and sometimes i just don’t know.
so i just decide anyway.

but my mind is learning how to have rest
no matter the outcome

because, and only because
of the only One who knows anything. 

“i am senseless and ignorant; i am a brute beast before you.
yet
i am always with You;
You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterward?…..
You will take me into glory.”    

Whom have i in heaven but You?
earth has nothing compared to you
my flesh and my heart and my decisions may fail.
but
God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

it is good to be near God
i have made the Soverign Lord my refuge.
i will tell of all His deeds.     psalm 73:22-28 

all photos taken while traveling around in Uganda 2010