well…. two were home sick today.  it came on suddenly for them both.  my husband came in from work around dinner and he’s now in bed.  that leaves me with my youngest and he had a rough day at school and so we’re playing with clay. 

i’ve been asking God all day to open my eyes to His wonders.  and He has.  but i’m too tired to put it all into words.

but there are words already and a Spirit who will do His work with them.  so i’ll let Him speak to you….
     in His personal and wonder-ful way:  

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God,
that you may declare the praises of Him who called you 
out of darkness into His
wonder-ful light.    
1 peter 2:9

Long lay the world
in sin and error pining
till He appeared
           and the soul felt its worth.

 Shannon Martin over at Flower Patch Farmgirl made this canvas and i’ve been pondering those words ever since.

visiting with a friend from accross the ocean.

we talk of the kids and life and it takes awhile to get to the heart of things.

but get there we do.

we talk of the inner heart longings for a father to declare that we have value

and how that permeates everywhere.  

it all goes back to that child who wants their dad to notice and to like what he sees.

and neither of us have that from our own fathers.

………………………….

“i’m so proud of you” came once in an e-mail from my dad and it enraged me.  

because i felt in the depths 
         that those were empty words 
                      because if he really knew me he would not say them.  

and i’m Jacob dressed up as Esau wanting the blessing.  but when the blessing comes i know that it’s Esau’s blessing and if he really knew it was me, Jacob,  he would say something different.

and i’m done playing dress up.

but it doesn’t mean this soul doesn’t long to feel it’s worth.

…………………………..

the Wonder of it all is that the One who knows that it’s me, Jacob, He knows me to the depths of the bottom of who i am.

and it’s not good.

i am an enemy.  
             an idolater. a Sabbath breaker. a liar. a thief. an adulterer. 

yes, but.

to Him, i am a pearl of great value.  i am worth coming down for.

how can this even be?

But God demonstrated His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

grace is a much better motivator for growth than guilt and shame
       but grace is not understood unless guilt is understood.

………………………….

any mere mortal’s declaration of my value, my worth… it’s not always a bad thing. 
it is lovely to be both known and valued by another. 
it just can’t be the main thing. 
and at some level it will always leave me wanting.  because there is not anyone who really knows all of me.  
and i always know that.  others’ praise can only go so far.  it leaves the lingering fear that ‘what if they find out the truth?  then what?’

but God?

His declaration of my worth is comprehensive, encompassing. it. all. 

there’s no fear of Him finding out, only freedom because He already knows.

and He, my true Father, declared me worth it and came.  

worth the leaving of heaven
worth the stench of the trough
worth the snearing and rejection and being misunderstood
worth the stench of walking around this planet with all of us who are unclean and have gone astray.

this is why the gospel never gets old.

this is why i pray to never loose sight of the Wonder of it all…..or maybe to finally grasp the Wonder of it all? 

and this is why i have kept the tree up and the baby in the manger….just a little longer i ask my husband, just a little longer please?

because long i lay in sin and error pining,  

pondering and grasping to truly comprehend His appearing

so the very depths of my soul will feel it’s worth

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,
may have power, together with all the Saints, to grasp
how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 
and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God  Ephesians 3:16-19

our tree is still up

i’m just not ready to move on yet.

Joy to the world, the Lord is come
let earth
       recieve
             her King 

i’m still finding myself in awe of His coming
 

Oh the glory of it all
is He came here
for the rescue of us all
that we may live
                                 -David Crowder Band 

all day long i found myself humming this tune-only with my minds focus on wonder, i inadvertantly sang it this way: “Oh the wonder of it all  is He came here….”

i’ve been thinking about the whole ‘New Years’ thing.  
            the new goals and resolutions and words

and i’ve been thinking about Christmas.

and to me, i’d like to back it all up a bit. 

because it seems to me that it’s Christmas
        and  His coming
             that makes any new thing even possible.

       His coming as a babe in that manger because there was no room elsewhere
                so He could come and make His home in my heart

oh the glory of it all….
for the rescue of us all….
we will never be the same…..

may this next year not be more of the same
but instead more
       of  Him 

after christmas sale at Hobby Lobby and our outside tree has decorations!

i’m not really with the program here.

yesterday was tuesday, today is wednesday. the calendar still rests on December (tho actually yesterday was New Years Eve and today is New Years Day and it’s now January)

we’ve been spending these days all together. there have been moments of that gut wrenching laughter (i didn’t think it had to come at my expense, but whatever), and time up at the cabin and time with family and friends. there have been late nights with new shows to watch (Foyles’ War and Inspector Lewis). there have been plenty of the other things that come with being together-the bickering, the taking a walk just to be alone with only the sound of my footsteps.

1000 pieces and 2 days of togetherness

and i’ve wanted to write about my favorites from 2013 – looking back
and i’ve wanted to write about my longings for 2014 – looking forward.

but i also know that these days are numbered. the oldest will continue to grow older and in the not too distant future will be doing her own thing with her own friends…driving her own self around. and the other two will follow. and our time together will change into something other than what it is right now.

and right now with these who are right here is right where i want to be. i wish somehow i would have made both the writing and the being happen.

but i’ve also been hearing some whispering deep within on Wonder. just like the whisperings on provision back in October when the nester hosted her 31 days series.

January has 31 days in it too.

and so today-this 1st day of 2014
i’m slipping in here with a very hesitant and loose commitment to another 31 days of writing

this time through the lens of Wonder.

and He will be called
Wonder-ful