mel – Page 7 – Chasing Joy

Author: mel (page 7 of 22)

chasing joy | write 31 days

September 30, 2015 / mel

Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. -Jesus

reading of a joy that could not be taken intrigued me. i wondered, is He talking about heaven, or will seeing Him alive again give these guys this un-take-able joy? will no one be able to take it from them even while left living out their days here on earth?

a few days later i got my answer…

They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go.

The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Messiah.

what kind of joy is it that a flogging can not remove it? that they could feel the terror and excruciating pain and yet rejoice all at the same time? because i don’t believe it is an either/or situation here. i think it is something completely other. the light shines in the darkness, the darkness cannot not overcome it, yet, it still remains in contrast to it. Jesus says there is a joy that cannot be taken-no matter how dark things get. this is something i want. it is something i’ve been seeking to understand and take hold of ever since i sat there in awe at these verses coupled together in just such a way. if it’s a joy that cannot be taken, then it’s source must be different than the things that are bringing me joy today. these things that could be gone tomorrow. i know the Sunday School answer is that its source is Jesus. but what does this mean, how does this change my afternoon?

i named this blog; chasing joy. naming a blog is a hard thing to do, for how does one capture the main theme of their writing? i didn’t know, but i had perceived a theme permeating my everyday. a chasing after a joy that neither the wonderful and amazing nor the dry and weary and dark things could smother. that fullness of joy found in the very Presence of the One who’s Life is the Light of men.

so i named the blog and i started writing. but i never really connected the dots between the one and the other. October welcomes in the 31 days writing challenge, which is such a hard and meaningful exercise for me. the point is to focus in and go deeper into one topic. this year i’ll be diving deeper into this mysterious Joy i’ve been chasing after, the joy my Captain has been guiding my path towards all along. to see all the posts in the series, click here:

and here are other 31 days series i’ve done in the past:

(Wonder)

to draw further in: John 1:1-14; John 16-17; Acts 5:17-41

life | the days of the small things

September 22, 2015 / mel

i once tried to explain snow to a little dark skinned girl living on the equator. in that moment i wished my college creative writing teacher had given me that impossible task of searching out words that could adequately explain snow to a child who had no reference point to comprehend it. ‘a snow man is a man who brings the snow? or sells the snow? or takes the snow away?’ ‘cold like ice, but fluffy like cotton?’ giggle giggle giggle; she looked at me with those laughing eyes. how i wanted to just scoop her up and bring her somewhere that she could experience the wonder of snow. then, and only then would she really understand and would my words make sense.

two boys whose houses are only a blocks apart sit at their desks on a random crisp-air filled day. they are to be writing away about what they experienced over their break from school. one is writing away, the other… not so much. the writing one happens to belong to me and i know all about what his words are describing. i was there when his eyes beheld the wonder of a new place traversed and his heart drank deep the joy of long days of freedom at home with no place to go.

‘experienced on my break? go somewhere? something to write? i got suspended from the boys and girls club for punching a 6 year old in the face.’ his feet shuffle and he stares at me with those angry empty eyes. my words are inadequate to describe the wonder of the big world that exists around him. he’s no reference point to comprehend it. how i longed to scoop him up and bring him somewhere where he could experience joy and wonder and freedom.

joy for the one boy and grief for the other flood my soul and i’m unable to tame it. longing for relief, i dream of something to DO. some program, some ministry, some big agenda to fix this.

Who despises the day of small things?

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i do.

i discount what i’m already doing. fully aware in the ocean of need all i’ve got to offer is such a small droplet, and i despise it.

as i focus on the inadequacy of my words to describe snow, i lose sight of the fact that there is a little girl on the equator who’s heard there is something in this world called snow. as i focus on the inadequacy of my words and time to describe and reveal life, i lose sight of the fact that there is a little boy in the 4th grade who’s encountered something other, something different than the broken places, noisy screens, and chaos his world encompasses.

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when i despise the day of small things, i deny the God of might and power. i forget the Spirit of the LORD Almighty, the Author of space and time* who has the capacity of full comprehension and infinite power. i expect little, instead of trusting Him to accomplish much.** i daydream of bigger impacts, new programs, ministries to the children at my neighborhood school that could accomplish so much more than my weekly hour or two of help with their math and my own boy’s friendship. i dream of making a difference, instead of giving careful thought to the reality of the difference being made by the Captain of my days.

‘Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work.’ For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty…. ‘Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.

-haggai 2:4, zechariah 4:6

my words and work are inadequate in and of themselves. but in the hands of this LORD Almighty?

He brings forth Life

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

*JJ Heller from the song Fully Known **a reverse of the thought in Haggai 1:9

to draw further in: the book of Haggai and Zechariah, especially Zechariah 4 and Revelation 5. my cross references connected Zechariah 4:10 with Revelation 5:6. i don’t claim to comprehend the complexities of these chapters, but i did find them to speak to me on the smallness of a man named zerubbabel, and a people living long ago, coupled with the mighty and mysterious plan of the God of the universe.

life | down paths i fear to see

August 27, 2015 / mel

I said, “Let me walk in the field.”
God said, “No, walk in the town.”
I said, “There are no flowers there.”
He said, “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said, “But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din.”
He wept as He sent me back,
“There is more,” He said, “there is sin.”

…

I pleaded for time to be given.
He said, “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem hard in heaven
to have followed the steps of your Guide.”

I cast one look at the field,
Then set my face to the town.
He said, “My child do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for a crown?”

Then into His hand went mine,
and into my heart came He.
Now i walk with a light Divine,
The path i had feared to see.
-What Christ Said by George MacDonald. 
find the complete poem here

ten years ago i found myself in the middle of packing boxes preparing to move into the tiniest house ever right smack dab in the middle of town instead of the dreamed and worked towards log cabin in the mountains. i remember clearly hearing the Lord’s whisper; “I am answering your prayers” It made no sense at the time for it felt like He was answering my prayers with a big fat NO! still i pondered His whisper in my heart and watched and waited. now, these 10 years later, i can see it. how my deep heart longings and desires for my children and family were answered with a big YES! via a path i would never have known to choose.

the children have grown from toddlers to teens, yet following my Guide down paths i fear to see has remained a consistant theme for me. what i’m beginning to grasp is that these are becoming the very places where He does His best heart work. where He grows us and heals us and frees us. these paths are often neither easy nor comfortable, and at times i’m being led straight into the valley of sorrow unable to comprehend the rivers of joy that await me on the other side.

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recently i found myself praying during the long dark hours of the night. unable to sleep with an ache that can only be quieted by the One who knows, i walked circles in the floor and laid my heart bare before my faithful and wise God. daylight came and life continued on as it does, but there was a settling and a watching and a waiting on my capable Father. doors appeared and decisions were made completely unrelated to my late night longings….or so i thought. as far as the eye could see there was no connection between the ordinary goings about in that day and the restless wrestling of the night before.

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but the One who governs the sun, moon and stars-He knew. and today i find myself completely amazed at the way He orchestrated such a perfect answer to those prayers that night. i’m in awe at the ways He is responding to the desires and secret petitions of my heart. here again it is on a path where i have said-out loud to other people-that i would not walk. a path i said wasn’t a good fit for our family. today-this particular path-is precisely what our family needed.

what if the thing we think we need will actually prevent our true longings from being fulfilled? what if the things we think will ruin everything will actually give us life?

could it be that some of the places we run away from are the very places that hold the deepest treasures, deepest freedoms, deepest joys?

He’s teaching me to go where He says go, when He says to –not because i understand, or even expect anything but more pain or frustration, or even have any notion of the connection between the latest command and prayer of my heart –no, i go because my Guide can be trusted where He leads, because He is for me, and He knows better how to fulfill my heart longings than my small brain can comprehend.

where is it for you? is there somewhere you are running away from, turning back because what is ahead is a valley of sorrow and you are afraid? confused? take heart! there is a whole cloud of witnesses cheering you on. david was afraid too as he trusted in his God. Abe was confused too when he reasoned that God was able to raise Isaac from the dead. and dear ol’ Paul, through learning, was persuaded that this One he knew and believed was able to keep that which he had committed to Him. and then there is JJ Heller….

He is able. i know Whom i have believed. i will trust.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in

Psalm 37; 2 Timothy 1:12, Genesis 22:5; Hebrews 11:19

waiting through the dark night of the soul

August 9, 2015 / mel

…in the early days of spiritual life, the soul often finds delight in devotional activities: We love to read the Bible, we hunger for worship we long to pray.”

-John Ortberg, Soul Keeping

i sit with my Bible, Daily Light and my journal, and stare off into space. i have experienced the life found in saturating my soul with His words, and yet, here i sit and there is nothing. i attempt to read and it all just goes right out into space and i can’t take hold of anything. i, the one who has been writing words since i learned to write, cannot form a sentence, cannot find words to pray.

“But there will come a time when God will bid them to grow deeper. He will remove the previous consolation of the soul in order to teach it….” In the dark night, my prayers feel like they reach no higher than the ceiling. In the dark night, the Bible I read turns to ashes. In the dark night, words and books and songs that once spoke to my soul now leave me cold.”

-John Orgberg, Soul Keeping (quoting The Dark Night of the Soul by Saint John of the Cross. This Saint John of the Cross describes the dark night of the soul as not just the experience of suffering, but the suffering in what feels like the silence of God.)

my Rock has been silent. for quite a long time. He’s not a tame lion you see, as CS Lewis would say. and yet, He hasn’t been altogether silent. there have been the middle of the night awakenings, where His word pinpoints and brings comfort and conviction. The moments of standing at the sink of dishes and being overcome with prayers that bring me straight to my knees. He’s just been uncontrollable. and i’ve been thirsty.

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.

all summer long i’ve been sitting with Psalm 19

pondering what it means that nothing is hidden from the heat of the sun and the correlation between that and “the law of the LORD, the statues of the LORD, the precepts of the LORD, the commands, the fear, the ordinances of the LORD.”

pondering that and wholeheartedly declaring as if it was my own pen which penned the words; Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins, may they not rule over me. and oh, may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD my Rock and my Redeemer.

When the soul begins to enjoy the benefits of the spiritual life and then has them taken away, it becomes embittered and angry. There are some who become angry at themselves at this point, thinking that their loss of joy is a result of something they have done or have neglected to do. They will fuss and fret and do all they can to recover this consolation….Their problem is that they lack the patience that waits for whatever God would give them and when God chooses to give.

-John Ortberg Soul Keeping

as i’ve wrestled with this silence and distance, and then sudden nearness and loudness of my God-i’ve longed to tame Him. i’ve longed to figure out what caused this riff and distance between us, i’ve longed to capture His nearness that i could control it and bring it forth when i need it.

because i need Thee every hour.

because He is my strength, i cannot make it without Him.

as if His silence means His absence.

except that it doesn’t.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

and so, as i wait on Him in the darkness, i continue to show up with my Bible and Journal and pen, knowing that He is present whether i feel Him or not, whether i hear from Him or not. and when my deep longings and deepest fears wake me in the middle of the night and He meets me there with balm and communion and connection-i drink as if a child in Uganda at a freshly drilled well. i join my fellow sojourners on Sunday morning and close my eyes and breath in His word as it is spoken by them. i receive His living water when He gives it, and flip over from psalm 19 to psalm 37, where He quiets me with; “Trust – Commit – Rest – do not fret”

and i say to my soul; “Surely the darkness cannot overwhelm me, for my God is near.”

The Life series will continue-just as those thoughts come, not necessarily in series. i know i’ve been quiet here, a by-product of this season i’m in. thank you for grace.

to draw further in Psalm 37, 139, Isaiah 40, especially vs. 26-31

life | running

June 24, 2015 / mel

the alarm goes off in the dark of summer. the inability to quit on my girl is stronger than the mighty ability to quit on myself, so i get up and rouse her out of her slumber. we push it to the very edge, she and i, giving ourselves first 20, then 10, and then 5 minutes to get ready. yes, 5 minutes will be enough, our sleep hungry bodies think. this is the logic of one whose natural body rhythm does not include mornings. so we run late and we don’t comb our hair, but we show up. she has a swimming class. and i will run.

my health is not where i want it to be. and i am a simple minded person, not one to cook complicated food or start complicated plans. i know two things that need addressing, an addiction to sugar and a lack of exercise. there are more, but two things are enough to focus on for the time being. so for the sugar addiction I’ve replaced my daily chai tea lattes with just tea and for the exercise, i’m running.

i want to quit. i really do. mightily when the alarm goes off yes, but even still after my girl has sauntered off to class. i rationalize other things to do during this hour, maybe stay in the car and read, or go sit next to the other moms by the pool and get to know them-that would be neighborly and right wouldn’t it? no, that still small voice replies,

run.

I’m Brennan. I’m an alcoholic.
How I got there, why I left there, why I went back, is the story of my life.
But it is not the whole story.
…
I’m Brennan. I was a priest, but am no longer a priest. I was a married man but am no longer a married man.
How I got to those places, why I left those places, is the story of my life too.
But it is not the whole story.

I’m Brennan. I’m a sinner saved by grace.
That is the larger and more important story.
Only God, in His fury, knows the whole of it.

-Brennan Manning from The Furious Longing of God

there is a storm swirling around inside, dark clouds looming thick and strong.

and when i run it rises up from those deep places within and spills forth into view and i see it. like Brennan, this is not my whole story, only one part of many other parts that make up the whole of me. but it is an important part to look at and sit with. today, however, i resisted for 30 minutes. i just sat in the car and kept the storm just below the surface, glancing at it a little, forming words around it a little, only a little. but the One who always wins had His way. knowing the invitation for what it was, i opened the door and got out of the car.

too often i think satan is winning. too often it feels like he is winning.

he is not winning.

he does not win.

O LORD, the king rejoices in Your strength.
How great is his joy in the victories You give.

-psalm 21

i am no king, but i too rejoice in the victories He gives.

today as my feet hit the pavement the tears flowed freely. out here on these public streets we wrestle, He and i, deep calling to deep, mining for the treasures He’s promised in the dark places.

personal words with real and deep laments brought before me to hold in my hands and look at from all directions. invited to know that He is the Lord, the God of Israel who summons me by name.

i have no hope for change or remedy or relief. these are the places the fight has gone, He knows this.

but i am still running.

and there is hope in that.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in: Psalm 21:1 and Isaiah 45:3

a bit of housekeeping

June 11, 2015 / mel

it’s been nearly a full two weeks since the last day of school and each and every day i have had an idea, a plan of sorts, for our waking hours. and i have yet had one day go according to plan. i sit here on the fence between establishing a scaffold for our time and resting in the One who is actually in control. these things need not compete with one another, but daily disappointments need tender tending if i’m not to grow cynical and give up all together.

i intentionally planted those pansies. the squirrels intentionally uproot them and drag them outside of the pot. i wake to find them strewn across my yard and re-pot them. i can not make the squirrels stop. eventually i cry uncle and let the pot be. but then i see, there in the upturned dirt, with roots barely even covered, this plant fights back and blooms. so i tuck it back in a bit and bask in the beauty. and i allow the Spirit to work in my heart, enabling my eyes to see the beauty planted in each of these unpredictable days, to keep plugging away at the work though the progress is slower than i’d hoped.

progress. it’s always slower than i hope.

so it goes here. i’ve multiple drafts for the life series, among other things. and i’ve begun work on some of the technical aspects of this space as well. over there in the sidebar there is now a way to sign up to receive posts in your inbox. i know my writing is not predictable, and this will allow you to receive an email with the post each time one is published.

i appreciate all of you who stick it out with me and this space, thank you thank you. if you try out the e-mail thing and find anything not working, drop me a line at mel at lucashome dot net.

and may you know that deep comfort from the One who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them by name. Because of His mighty strength and great power, not one of them is missing, not a one. He is keeping track of the stars, and oh so much more, He is keeping track of you and me!

to draw further in: Isaiah 40, quoted above is verse 26

life | in anguish

May 19, 2015 / mel

God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says -“I will be with him in trouble.” It does not matter what actual troubles in the most extreme form get hold of a man’s life, not one of them can separate him from his relationship to God. We are “more than conquerors in all these things.” Paul is not talking of imaginary things, but of things that are desperately actual; and he says we are super-victors in the midst of them, not by our ingenuity, or by our courage, or by anything other than the fact that not one of them affects our relationship to God in Jesus Christ. Rightly or wrongly, we are where we are, exactly in the condition we are in.

“Shall tribulation…..?” Let tribulation be what it may-exhausting, galling, it is not able to separate us from the love of God. Never let cares or tribulations separate you from the fact that God loves you.

“Shall anguish….?” -can God’s love hold when everything says that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

“Shall famine….?” -can we not only believe in the love of God but be more than conquerors, even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God when the odds are against God’s character. Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for it-the love of God in Christ.

“Out of the wreck I rise” every time.

-Oswald Chambers

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in; Romans 8

life | dreaming

May 12, 2015 / mel

my boys, they talk of firemen and joining the army and playing baseball for lots of money. my girl, at the wise old age of 2, announced she wanted to be a garbage man when she grew up. “cause then i can make all the children of the neighborhood happy.” fully believing that every child enjoyed watching that garbage truck come and pick up the trash in its especially interesting way.

she glowed with excitement as an eight year old girl, when she described what she dreamed of becoming when all grown and out on her own.

and i did what any mother of an eight year old does. shared her delight and encouraged her in her dream. not because i thought she knew anymore than that 2 year old aspiring garbage collector knew.

i delighted in her dream because i delighted in her.

here we are, this grown taller than me fifteen year old and i, and that eight-year old dream still resides in her heart. she’s more passionate now and carries more wisdom than her eight-year old self. she’s experienced more of life and more of joy and more of sorrow. the dream has taken the shape of a calling, a calling from the One who knit her together and mapped out her course. and the invitation has come to this mother to watch out for the opportunities to spur her on into who she is.

those watching seem to find themselves perplexed and needing to form conclusions. we visited a campus this past weekend, you see, and i’ve heard so many declarations of; “wow, you are on top of things” as if we held some superpower they lacked. or; “a campus visit as a sophomore? why didn’t you wait?” as if we lacked some wisdom they held.

the truth is i don’t know what i’m doing, mothering these kids. what i do know is that the One who knits together and gives desires is holding their future in His hands. and He’s entrusted me with walking alongside them as they journey into who He is making them to be. and He’s been teaching me about becoming. about becoming more fully myself. about listening to the desires of my heart and unpacking them in His presence. and as He’s gifted me with encouragers along my way, i have drunk deep from refreshing springs when the journey feels foolish and stupid and wasteful. so why would i offer my daughter something else?

i have no idea how we ended up far from home in an airplane hanger listening to all it takes to become a missionary pilot. i don’t recall how we learned of this school. or why, when the postcard came inviting us to Experience Spokane!, we took notice and decided to go. this wasn’t a well-thought out plan. i’d like to think that this is the movement of that Spirit who hovered over the waters and brought forth light. that the One who called to Abram to leave and go to the place He would show him, calls forth Abraham’s children to follow step by step still. that maybe He who breathed the starry host into existence, can enable an absent minded mother to tune into the symphony He is forming within her daughter….. His daughter. i have lived long enough to know that it is entirely possible that this movement towards flight school may or may not produce a missionary pilot at its end. regardless, any movement towards the direction of the Spirit contains its own promised end….

…the eyes of your heart enlightened
in order that you may know the hope
to which He has called you,
the riches
of His glorious inheritance in the saints,
and His incomparably great power
for us who believe.

maybe, just maybe, a dream is an invitation from the One who gathers the waters of the sea into jars. “Take Courage,” He says; “it is I, don’t be afraid.”

step into your dream, my child, and live

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in: Ephesians 1; Psalm 33; Genesis 1, 12

1st – 4th and 6th photos taken by Hannah, 5th and 7th by me on our recent trip to Spokane, WA

life | when you’ve really screwed up

May 6, 2015 / mel

he took something that didn’t belong to him. when caught he lied. when sent to the principle’s office he got scared and confused and went back to class instead. i discover this last bit on the way home and turn the car around and walk beside him as he reluctantly faces things.

this 12 year old is having a very bad day.

this mother of a 12 year old is having a very bad day too.

the problem is that the thing he took is lost. somewhere in his room. so he’s tasked with cleaning, looking as he goes. after dinner i decide to join the hunt, only to discover how my boys have been cleaning their room. you know, grab a handful of stuff and shove it under or behind or i know, these dirty socks and odds and ends will disappear nicely into this empty Lego box.

now there are 2 boys having a very bad day and one mom who needs a time out.

while the boys clean their room like they’ve never cleaned before, i pray the prayer that never fails.

Jesus, i need help.

He leads me beside still waters and i sit with His words and let them soak and settle in.

gathering the boys to my side we kneel to pray- the thing we should’ve done in the first place-regarding the lost toy.

the first offender begins, and i hear the words he’s been telling himself all day.

he wants to be a better person. he wants to be responsible. he wants to think before he acts. he wants to want to return to school instead of dread it.

underneath those words i hear the self-loathing that i know full well.

i move toward him, i cup his head in my hands and look straight into his red puffy eyes. he tries to look away.

“son, look at me.”

our eyes lock

“you are my son and I love you. this does not change that.”

he melts into a puddle of sobs

i rub his back and speak the words that give life.

words of Jesus seeing over the span of time to that day last week when this all began.

words of His deep love.

words of the cross.

words of a standing that is secure.

“you are His son and He loves you. this does not change that.”

yes, the wages of sin is death. oh don’t we all know it? haven’t we all felt it? especially when we’ve screwed up? screw-ups of the 12 year old sort and screw-ups of the beenwalkingwithJesusalongtimeandknowbetter sort. the weight of the death feels heavy on the chest.

and we want to be better, more responsible, think before we act.

and it’s easy to slip from real sorrow and repentance down down down into the self-loathing.

that’s a sorrow that leads to more death.

there is another way. a locking of red-puffy eyes with the eyes of a Father who knows it all.

and breathing in His words….

you are my child and I love you. this failure cannot change that.

….His words that bring the dead to life.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in, Isaiah 53, Psalm 32, Romans 6-8

life | through grief

April 29, 2015 / mel

Three days of mourning have been declared in Haiti after a power line fell on to a carnival float in the capital, Port au Prince.

-bbc news

Moses was 120 years old when he died… The People of Israel wept for Moses in the Plains of Moab thirty days. Then the days of weeping and mourning for Moses came to an end.

-Deuteronomy 34

OSO, Wash. — Washington residents paused Saturday to observe a statewide moment of silence at 10:37 a.m., exactly a week after a devastating mudslide tore through this rural mountain town.

-LA Times

I remember when i first read of Haiti’s 3 days of mourning in the aftermath of the carnival tragedy. not only did they cancel the last day of the event, but 3 whole days of mourning?! i wondered what that must look like. businesses closed, schools closed, families gathering together talking about it, openly weeping? i only imagine-not having ever experienced such community grieving. i read of how Israel mourned for 30 days when Moses died. 30 whole days until the days of weeping came to an end. wow. this contrasted against how we do it in the States. we pause for moments. and they are moments of silence. that feels like a slight acknowledgement and then back to work and moving along as ‘normal’. i have felt the shock of that. in the face of deep personal loss, i can recall being perplexed by the moving about of others-folks who know nothing of the loss i’ve experienced-doing normal things like getting groceries and picking up their kids from school. i know in my head; “of course they are, why wouldn’t they be?” while my grieving heart can’t figure out how to make one foot move in front of the other and my grieving mind can not be trusted to work the stove.

our bodies are made to feel. and some feelings need time. life follows death, healing follows brokenness, rivers of joy follow valleys of sorrow.

i learned as a child that pain and grief were not to be felt. count backwards from 10, breathe deep, but by all means, don’t cry.

it takes courage to feel. i come from a family of wimps. i mean no offence by that, we wanted to be strong, it’s just that the understanding of what real strength is got mixed up somewhere along the way. and so i grew up stoic, priding myself on my lack of tears and pretend indifference. but the color of my world grew more and more gray. and my heart shriveled.

Energize the limp hands, strengthen the rubbery knees. Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!”

-Isaiah 35:3-4

This One who wept and groaned loudly, He did come. and He taught me how to grieve. and through grieving all the losses past, and continuing to grieve losses big and small as they come, color has returned to my world. and my heart has opened…

…and i have come to life.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

All photos except for the first one taken by Hannah Lucas

To draw futher in: John 11, 16:20-22; Hebrews 5:7; Ecc 3; Deuteronomy 34

Author: mel (page 7 of 22)

chasing joy | write 31 days

life | the days of the small things

life | down paths i fear to see

waiting through the dark night of the soul

life | running

a bit of housekeeping

life | in anguish

life | dreaming

life | when you’ve really screwed up

life | through grief

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