what i am really talking about is another place of surrender.

there have been many before, and will be many to come. it is all a giving up.  giving up my agenda. my expectations. my plans.  and it involves losses.  and unless those losses are honestly grieved-i can’t move on.  i am pretty sure that is a psychological fact for the entire human race.  i dare you – prove me wrong. and anyway, grieving involves simply being honest about how i really feel.

…..and the question ever before me; “is God real… or not?  does He love me… or not?  is He for me… or not?” 

…..and the real answer-it is an ambivalent one.

i surrender to Your plan Lord, help me overcome my holding back!

i trust You Lord, help me overcome my fear!

i am thankful Lord, help me overcome my ingratitude!

i believe You Lord, help me overcome my unbelief!

”You say….you want…..diamonds in a ring of gold
you say….you want….your story to remain untold
your love not to grow cold.
all the promises we make, from the cradle to the grave
when all……I want…..is you.”

Bono’s deep voice rings out the lyrics in my head.  they come, not as intended by him i think.  i’ve been ungrateful.  i’ve wanted all these things mentioned.  at least a variation of them. 

i read of others.  who’ve sold out.  who’ve been radical. 

and i speak to myself-“you’ve not got what it takes to follow hard-to follow that far.”

the cost.

my wants.

the guitar and base play the interlude. 

when all He wants is me.  

i feel like i’m in that interlude.  that place of waiting-wondering.  how will the story be written?  who will write it?  the tension, the longing for the adventure worth fighting, the redemption winning.

yet not really. it grieves me to admit it, but it is true.  my heart is fickle, and the little gods still need taken down.  so many still to take down.

the interlude is playing in my heart and the One who gave all for love of this heart-He waits. 

                for all
       He wants
is me.