interlude – Page 3 – Chasing Joy

Category: interlude (page 3 of 4)

growing quiet

November 12, 2014 / mel

i sit amongst a group of folks and attempt to share a glimpse of hope from my tender Father. the response is clear-they don’t get it. in fact what they hear is completely opposite of what i am actually saying. it’s important to me, so i try again. i give it a third go. driving home, sifting down the frustration and i can name it-misunderstood.

i resolve that i must be inept and unable to communicate. and so i grow quiet. everywhere.

later, i’m back amongst these folks and 4 people, yep 4, share the very glimpse of hope i was attempting before and everyone, yep everyone gets it. i resist the temptation to declare (read shout) “That’s exactly what i was saying!” but i don’t. instead i write in my journal-what am i going to choose to do with this? What are You inviting me into here?

i am very well aware of the churning and battle going on that is specific to me and there is no coincidence here-this pain of misunderstanding, this awareness of my lack in communication-it is purposeful and i know the Lover of my Soul is inviting me into something other, something new.

so i do what makes the most sense for thinking deeply and processing through what is going on in my heart…..

i clean odd and random places; the drawer under the stove, the top of the fridge

i dash outside facing off that wind blowing the fall out and winter in and rescue a few branches with leaves on them…you know to decorate with.

i sit down and read one of the Anne of Green Gables books.

Gilbert had finally made up his mind that he was going to be a doctor.

“It’s a splendid profession,” he said enthusiastically. “A fellow has to fight something all through life…..and I want to fight disease and pain and ignorance…..I want to do my share of honest, real work in the world, Anne….add a little to the sum of human knowledge that all the good men have been accumulating since it began. The folks who lived before me have done so much for me that I want to show my gratitude by doing something for the folks who will live after me. It seems to me that is the only way a fellow can get square with his obligations to the race.”

“I’d like to add some beauty to life,” said Anne dreamily…..

-Anne of Avonlea p.53

me too, Anne, me too.

treasure hunting

September 24, 2014 / mel

i lay there fighting for sleep. (not to be confused with fighting sleep like a toddler does. no. i wanted sleep-sleep was fighting me) finally i give up and get up at 1:30 in the morning. the thought comes to me that prayer would be a good thing to do. i laugh cynically; “i wish…” i start talking about that with that One who never tires or grows weary. i sit with Him and find myself redirected from the mind numbing reading (which i do believe has it’s place.) tonight in the darkness there are treasures to be mined for. i don’t know this of course (see also: laughed cynically) but my Master Gardner does. Sara’s words* give me a push down into the mine shaft. i cup open my hands to receive what might be described as rubies or sapphires, if only they were beautiful enough. it is dark outside and dark in my soul, but He has promised…..

You promise treasures in the darkness and You are that treasure
-Sara Hagerty

He delivers on that promise as words come to mind…vaguely they come and i flip open those thin and well worn pages and hunt for them. i take Sara’s advice* of carving out at least 200 words back to Him about these words of His;

Lift up your eyes and look at the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of His great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
“do not be afraid, oh little worm, for I Myself will help you,” declares the Lord
Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God.
if i say; “surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to You;
the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.”

only Christ knows the depth of meaning these very words have personally and specifically …to me. it’s a looking back on these recent years of walking in the dark in so many ways. it’s a remembering of what He told me about what was ahead-words i didn’t completely understand, nor do i now. words that only gave me the next step to take, and i’ve been waiting ever since to hear His voice in that way again. these are comforting words, encouraging words. He takes them deeper still, the meaning becomes deeper still. oh, this darkness may or may not lift. but the hand holding on to mine? it will remain constant whether i feel it or not.

sky3

sometimes my husband and i will be holding hands. time passes and i grow accustomed to the feel of my hand in his. but then there will be a slight squeeze-indicating a knowing, a loving, a depth of communication only we grasp.

tonight in the darkness, i feel my Shepherd’s squeeze.

to draw further in; Isaiah 40 beginning at verse 25; 41:13-14; 42:16, 45:18-19; 50:10-11; Psalm 139:11-12

*Taken from Sara Hagerty’s Adoration devotional available now free with a pre-order of her upcoming book: Every Bitter Thing is Sweet|Tasting the goodness of God in all things. You can also learn more about Adoration via her blog.

on looking out into the great unknown and being afraid

May 22, 2014 / mel

it is truly wonderful to know He has the blueprint and is following it to the dot….He knows what is best and will work it out. if we want our way we not only spoil the plan but in gaining, we lose.

There is nothing better to calm our spirits and keep us on the way of duty (when we are tempted to an indirect course for our own relief) than to hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

-Arthur Matthews

On second thought, ignore this letter. Tear it up and pitch it. The road you’re on is the one marked out for you and it’s a good one. No matter which way you go, it’s a train wreck that God puts back together his way. I don’t want you to miss a thing.

Your friend,

Gary

these quotes bear a weight to me within their context. the first, from Arthur and Wilde Matthews. in January of 1951 the China Inland Mission had given the call for all of their missionaries to evacuate communist China. for two years Arthur and Wilde and their little girl Lilah were ‘held by the cold and cruel elements of the Red Regime which deliberately tried to starve them.” -from Green Leaf in Drought by Isobel Kuhn

the second is from Gary Morland. it’s from a letter he wrote to his teenage self. He has also written an ebook;

I drank three quarts of beer a day for fourteen years. From Beer to Eternity awakens hope for anyone who has experienced discouragement and loss of faith because of an addiction (your own or others).

today, i am alone in my house. and there is quiet and time to sit with my fears. there is time to cry before the One who knows everything. the truth is, i am afraid of the changes before us. i’ve had lots to ponder over the last few weeks. to introspect at what really it means to live a life that has been blessed by the Lord. to take to Him my wants; be it a new floor in my kitchen or a daughter who does not “lose herself in the presence of others” (emily freeman*)

we’ve had all these school decisions to make. and we have multiple graduations to attend this weekend of young ones that we love dearly and want for them too to not lose themselves in the presence of others. want for them to know the depths to which they have been loved by the One who knows everything.

i sit here and i know how powerless i really am. i know full well the train wreck that lies in wait to suck the life out of the ones i love. i want to avoid the wreck, not learn how to deal with the wreck in a whole and healthy way.

in my parenting, i want there to not be stuff. rather, what i have instead is the call to deal with the stuff that there is in a whole and healthy way.

feet

when i mention the high school that my oldest has chosen to a friend the gasp is audible. it’s a big school. it is public. it is full of knuckleheads. she might just lose her way. she might.

right now she is at a very small school. it’s technically public, but it’s a charter school and appears ‘safer’ to the onlookers. but sometimes i fear she’s lost her way already.

the God of the Universe, who placed the stars in their places. Who set the Earth precisely where it must be for life. it is truly wonderful to know that He does in fact have the blueprint and is following it to the dot. to know that though we all may have completely lost our way and it just may be a train wreck-He will put it all back together in His way. and so in losing we will gain.

que the hymn….
be still my soul
the Lord is on Thy side
bear patiently the cross of greif or pain
leave to thy God
to order and provide
through every change
He faithful will remain.

i did spend a couple of days pondering over what a life blessed by God really looks like. and these are a few things that i discovered in my studies:

is comforted
inherits the earth
is filled
is shown mercy
sees God
is called a son of God
possesses a great reward in heaven.
is forgiven
has his sins covered, his sin the Lord will never count against him
has a hope that does not disappoint because
and only because
God has poured out His love into our hearts
by the Holy spirit, whom He has given us.

this God who blesses in this way; He is the God who knows everything. He is the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

in my powerlessness-my soul is stilled.

He faithful will remain.

to draw further in: Matthew 5; Romans 4 and 5

*i didn’t link to the exact quote-i can’t remember where i first heard that from her, but i linked to a post where she speaks on it… here are some others.

for when i forget what i know

May 6, 2014 / mel

For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

He came to her as she meditated on His knitting. He came to her with joy and assurance as her belly grew. as she and her first born looked at all the photos of the stages of a baby being formed-and marveled at His work.

until……

“i wish i wasn’t me” -zeke age 5

what about when the knitting needles missed a stitch along the way and one is left with a broken body?
when your 5 year old is speaking words that sound too much like suicide?
what then?

He came to her with His words

“not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord Almighty” -zech 4:6

and He came to her with a song in the dark hours of those hard days
(because He knows how the songs work for her)

the Love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell….

and she believed Him.

and He strengthened her.

and He made her to believe His love was in fact greater and deeper and beyond the body that was broken.

and it never occurred to her
not even once
to pray for healing.

last night it occurred to me, that it had never occurred to me to pray for healing.

and now that it had
would i pray?
knowing all the ways we’ve known His deep and great love
as a result of
this broken body that belongs to zeke?

he’s 11 now.

and weeks before this most recent insight, i was given another.

how of all my children-this one has the most freedom to be fully himself in the presence of others.

and i’ve pondered that for a while-perplexed a bit at how in the world that came to be true? and how in the world can i help my other 2 along the path?

but last night as i listened to the question that formed (inside my head) with it’s accusations; “why did you not ever pray for him to be healed? do you not have faith? even through a year of studying all the ways Jesus healed in the book of Matthew-it didn’t come to mind then. why? what does that say about you? what does that say about your love for your son?”

there are a lot of lies mixed in with doubts mixed in with perplexity at the initial questions. and as i sat there clueless. the piano began to play the familiar words that would come to me all those years ago…

oh Love of God
how great and pure
how measureless and strong….

Who is this God? who hears the thought churning inside my head-that no one else hears? who moves the hands of a pianist to play the very words that my heart understands. words that only He could know would soothe and remind of what is true?

the longer i live, the less answers i have.

but one thing i have come to understand is this

God’s love is real.
it’s measureless
it’s strong.
it’s constant
and is not expressed in the way that i think so much of the time.

i praise You because zeke is fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
i know that full well.

my frame was not hidden from you
when i was made in the secret place.
all the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! -psalm 139

(please don’t misunderstand, i in no way mean to imply whether or not prayer for healing is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. i still don’t know why we never thought to pray for healing for my zeke, or if we will begin praying for this. it’s not really about that. this post is about being settled -yet again- in the midst of doubt and confusion-and attack. being settled-yet again- into the love of a Father who knows everything.)

grieving and chasing joy

April 14, 2014 / mel

Tomorrow’s freedom is today’s surrender.”

-from the song Dawn to Dusk by All Sons & Daughters

i’ve been chasing after joy

for a very long time

and one thing i’ve come to understand

is that real, hard, authentic grieving

is how those rough places become smooth

along joy’s path.

grieving
is on the pathway
to joy

but rather than take my small words for it.

grab yourself a cup of tea or coffee

and maybe a tissue or two

and spend some time with Jason Gray and Wally

it may just be what you need.

if you are grieving.

but if you are not, and someone you love is? than these 30 minutes with Jason and Wally will enlighten you so that you can love them well.

stick it out till the end-the song is deeper and beautiful sung in it’s context.

Jason Gray extended interview

(i’m done waiting for this space to be ready. i’ve decided to just begin over here anyway. even though i think the look is a bit off and i haven’t yet learned things like how to insert a video, so you’ll have to use the link to click over to youtube. thank you for grace.)

melting

February 20, 2014 / mel

“What do you want?”

…….

the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less

who can know what it is they are to do?

i’ve been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing….
and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
….and the state of this home
and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.

this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21

been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy….and the picture of what he becomes-it’s not even human anymore.

……..

days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything…..the days go one after the other after the other and there is none. and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.

until today. and i sit with this question:

“What do you want?”

and i just don’t have a clue what the answer to that is.

but He does.

and so He shows me:

tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy. for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.

what do i want? joy. unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy.

and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
is all a frantic search for this joy.

it doesn’t come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to….

God’s elect, strangers in the world, scattered…..who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
for obedience to Jesus Christ.

i don’t like being a stranger. i don’t like being scattered. i don’t always like obeying.

melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am. the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it. the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i’m pining for

Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. -psalm 51

for further melting….in a beautiful way:

When Life has Taught You to Run Past its Best Conversations

Being a Closet Radical

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

in or out?

November 16, 2013 / mel

i’ve been praying about a thing for a while now, but last week i picked it up more intensely.

is it time to get out?

out of the ministry that brings the ruffians to my door

out of the house that is small, small, small

out of the school where the parade walks by?

there were some valid reasons for exiting the ministry-which prompted some of these prayers

and 9 men who do the work of elders and this woman met to pray and search the scriptures and plead for wisdom from the One who gives generously without finding fault.

and the question was put to my husband and i

and we were given the opportunity to get out

multiple times

and we searched the scriptures together to grasp wisdom for the issues. and we wrestled with the hard things. and when all that was worked through. what to do with the ministry and how to do it

the opportunity was put forth

to get out anyway.

if the Lord is leading us out personally-

100% support for whatever we choose.

………………………………..

we attended a meeting for a new school for the one who will be heading off to middle school next year. his brother could join him there-because they also have 4^th grade.

i looked around at other neighborhoods, with other houses

where the teen could have her own room.

……………………………….

i’ve been sitting with the Lord about the direction my life is heading now-this season of transition. and nothing has seemed clear.

and i know that i have confessed and apologized for the despising of what He’s chosen these last 10 years. and i also know that i have enjoyed and embraced it too.

i feel like the choices before me, are mine to choose.

am i in? …..all in?

or is it time to get out?

que the interlude

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

feeling homesick?

November 14, 2013 / mel

this has happened before, this ache. i don’t know if homesick is the correct term. i’ve not really any childhood home or roots that call me back. but it’s this knawing longing to be near. it happened when my younger sister was pregnant with her first so very far away in vermont. i was pregnant with my third in colorado and we delivered within a week of eachother. i longed so desperately to be near her. to share it all with her.

but could do nothing about it.

now my youngest sister is pregnant. and the knawing longing is there heavy today. wishing there was some way to not be so far away. and seeing no solution.

and all of that is miraculous, really

for this one who worked so very hard to distance myself as far as i could from my family. it was necessary for healing. and the Lord met me there and rescued me unto Himself.

but they still await their rescue and know Him not.

and they are still my dear sisters* and i do love them very much. and i long for relationships that are closer.

but i can do nothing about it.

even if i moved to be close to one, the other would be half-way across the country. it seems all us girls worked hard to distance ourselves for a time. and we all ended up spread out around this great nation of ours.

but now, reconciliation has begun. and the youngest moved back home near mom and dad. but the rest of us are settled into our new locations and we have all worked to see each other from time to time for weddings and thanksgivings and Christmases.

but the way relationships can deepen with time spent together is not possible for us.

how can a family fractured and healing go much farther when we are so far apart?

but i can do nothing about it.

and how much healing can even happen when there is no bonding over the Only One who makes completely whole?

and i can do nothing about that either.

so what does one do in a time like this? where longings are strong and there is no relief to be had of my own making?

take it to the One

the only One

who can do something about it.

and i will thank Him for whatever it is He does do.

*there is another sister-the oldest-not pictured. there is still much work of healing needed for complete restoration of all 4 of us. will it happen this side of heaven?? will it happen the other side of heaven?? only the Lord, the God of Israel who is Mighty to Save and who came for this very reason knows the answer to that question.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Considering

July 23, 2013 / mel

the yellow ring around the toilet bowl is disgusting so i shut the lid and wash my hands of it. maybe tomorrow.

yesterday was spent on someone else’s needs.

and today the last one to catch the bug woke up with it.

and soreness from the fall yesterday while jogging with our Lady combines with fatigue from monthly hormones and i still can’t get out of my jammies.

thinking of how much to cancel today

thinking on and thinking on and thinking on the wretched state of this heart

out the window the sun still shines and the birds still sing

choices

i have choices to make today

what will they be?

and who will really be the push behind them?

can i claim any ownership?

for the ability to pick up one foot and place it in front of the other and head outside?

or for the hymn that pandora picks, the one that closes these eyes and brings deep breaths and tears of being loved so.
prone to wander, Lord i feel it

the Work He does is amazing and the part i play is small.

and it’s unfair that i get to watch at all, with all the stomping and ranting i do deep within
– me, me, but what about ME?

-do i see today as a rest day-because Lord knows the work tomorrow will hold?

-do i see others as an assignment? or do i see them as a gift…to uproot me?

-do i see my children and their illnesses as an interruption? as a curse? or as a gift…too, to uproot more of me?

considering the lilies today and how He clothes them . they grow without toil or spinning.

if this uprooting of me continues, won’t the Designer Himself take root in my place?

do Your work my Master Gardener

uproot away

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Lead up the Rock

March 12, 2013 / mel / 0 Comments

it was a difficult week. serving ones perceived ungrateful-but in all actuality-hurt.

before i was given the privilage to actually understand, i wanted out. i questioned-why are we doing this? what is the point? it is not that i expect a certain appreciation for our ‘work’, or even to have some ‘100 fold fruit’. but what i do expect is that our ‘work’ will not enable. will not contribute to satan’s work in their lives. and i haven’t always been sure. so when it appears that the people we are serving–are ungrateful, it makes me think they aren’t being helped by my kindness (sometimes helping actually hurts)-and maybe we have made things too comfortable. maybe what is needed is a reality check.

but when what is actually happening is hurt–that is different. kindness and comfort are just what is called for when hurt, isn’t it?

again i remember-i prayed before, during. my responses and interactions were prayed over. but i don’t trust it still. and in Your kindness-right at the very end-You grant understanding. and i see–the response was actually what was needed. and i remember to stop doubting and believe. what i don’t know…. is what it is You are communicating….how it is Your Spirit is translating….what good You are bringing about by my perceived failure. and really-where was i when You laid the foundations of the earth? (translated-Jesus doesn’t’ owe me insight or understanding-it’s grace that He gives it at all)

~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~

forward a couple of weeks. a conversation comes on the craziest of days. one i’m not prepared for and have no time for. i speak into a heart who knows You not. i shoot up prayers of help in the conversation and the words-they just come. and again i doubt. was that portion* of the gospel what was really needed? did the truth break through or did i just muddy the waters and enable this one to continue on the path apart from You? conversation over, moving on into the tasks of this crazy/craziest day. pleading, pleading in the car for You to break through. will you give me insight this time to see that it was what was needed? probably not. but will i remember once again to trust? trust that You are communicating-Your Spirit is translating?

*for it seems most often it’s pieces of the gospel handed out one morsel at a time….

~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~

what is it that i really want? am i still not free from the chains of ‘getting it right?’ the chains of forgetting Who. You. Are. that Who. You. Are. is sufficient-for their needs and mine?

~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~

i take a “walk break”. a day comes that affords me some quiet. and i sit. in. Your. Presence.

words pierce through-pierce through the fog that is threatening to engulf me. today i am giving into it….sort of. letting it come. shutting the door. sitting before the One who gave all for love of me. reading and reading and reading. but it is all just blurred and jumbled in the fog. still tired….exhausted really. still under pressure, far beyond my ability. and guilt for even thinking that in light of pressure that exists elsewhere. ….and loss of joy. joy engulfed in this fog, i grasp for it.

until the piercing words.

“therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart…..and even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing….but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us….”

~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~

taking this ‘one minute walk amidst of the 3 minute run’. it’s restoring the joy. restoring the freedom that comes when i remember; being this cracked pot that i am shows that the all-surpassing power is from God and not me.

for when my heart is overwhelmed within-He leads me to the Rock that is higher than i. that Rock who laid the foundations of the earth.

~~~~~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~~~~

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Category: interlude (page 3 of 4)

growing quiet

treasure hunting

on looking out into the great unknown and being afraid

for when i forget what i know

grieving and chasing joy

melting

in or out?

feeling homesick?

Considering

Lead up the Rock

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