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chasing joy | reality

October 3, 2015 / mel

first, a bit of housekeeping. I have a form over in the sidebar for signing up to receive my posts in your e-mail, but it seems that whenever i reply to a comment i personally am receiving a confirmation e-mail as though i’d filled out that form (except that i didn’t). I’m confused by that-so if you left a comment and then found yourself signed up for the e-mails, i apologize for that. it will probably take me some time to figure out why and correct the problem-thank you for grace.

Know therefore today, and take it to your heart, that the Lord, He is God in heaven above and on the earth below; there is no other. -Deuteronomy 4:39

Blessed is the one who reads the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear it and take to heart what is written in it, because the time is near. -Revelation 1:3

To take to heart is to move from concept into reality…how do i know if [my understanding of God] has moved from merely a concept to reality? i have joy and persevere. -Chris Ritsma

i read a lot of biographies* of those who’ve gone before me on this journey of faith. in their stories i find so very many examples of this principle of moving from concept into reality. moving from the concept of the Lord as provider, into acting on the reality of Him as provider and then the real experience of Him as provider. Him as victor, as strength-giver, comforter, wonder of a counselor, on and on and on. every time i am encouraged profoundly in my own life that i can take Jesus at His word.

on Sunday i went forward for prayer. before our car even left the parking lot, i experienced the exact opposite of what i prayed for. don’t you know the enemy loved to make a mockery of me and of God. still i persevered and throughout the week had sweet times of prayer with my attentive Father.

i’ve written here a bit about my struggles with prayer, both in last year’s 31 day series, and most recently waiting through the dark night. yesterday was a bit of a ‘dark night’ wrestle. there was this heaviness, a struggle to pray, to think, to process. i knew i was tired from a long week, but still it was discouraging. early in the afternoon i received a phone call with a real and glorious victory undertaken by my God who is Mighty. and don’t you know that joy flooded the depths of my soul and perseverance overtook the struggle. still today the mocking voices have silenced against the One who’s voice is like the sound of rushing waters.

i don’t see victory every time-and neither did those men and women of old. but the victories He does give cause me to rejoice. remembering the victories He gives cause me to persevere.

little compares to the joy of knowing that my God is real.

*most recent biographies: A Retrospect by Hudson Taylor; To a Different Drum by Pauline Hamilton; Mountain Rain by Eileen Fraser Crossman (story of J.O. Fraser)

chasing joy | kept

October 2, 2015 / mel

type-delete, type-delete, i just can’t get the words to flow today. rather than force them i think instead i’ll just leave you with the words that penetrated my heart and brought great comfort and peace, the joy of being kept by the One who holds the keys*.

The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

-psalm 121

*revelation 1:18

chasing joy | through discouragement

October 1, 2015 / mel

I have given way to discouragement, dark discouragement far too much in the past. Now I know rather better and thoroughly agree with the assertion, ‘all discouragement is of the devil.’

-J.O. Fraser from the book Mountain Rain

I too have given way to discouragement far too much in the past. when discouragement tempts, the answer it always offers is to quit. and the accusations that partner with it are often not all that far off. “see where prayer gets you-why bother? it will just be another rejection, betrayal, disappointment, why even try?”

at it’s very core, i find discouragement to be the wondering; “is God even there, is He paying attention? does He even care? is He powerful enough for this?”

‘discouragement is to be resisted just like sin,’ he continued. ‘To give way to the one is just as bad and weakens us as much as to give way to the other. God has wonderfully sustained me through this trial, and to Him be all praise when i say that not for one instant has it disturbed my peace or radiant faith in the risen and ascended Lord.’

-J.O. Fraser from the book Mountain Rain

the thing is, i don’t resist by rebuking the discouragement. i resist by rebuking the discourag-er.

i hold the situation honestly before me; “this is mighty discouraging…”

and hold the truth honestly before me as well. “...but God; His eye is on the sparrow. He has named the stars and not one of them is missing. to Him who is able…able to keep me from falling, able to accomplish His purpose, able to do immeasurably more.”

sometimes He wonderfully sustains me by bringing to mind the very ‘but’ that i need for the battle. when this happens, when He stoops down and gives me courage to go on, discouragement does not overtake me. peace returns and with it

a depth of joy in the experience of an attentive and loving Father.

other times i have to wield my sword and fight. scouring His word searching out the truth of who He is, choosing to go on anyway as an act of defiant faith that Jesus is in fact who He says He is. taking Him at His word, peace returns and with it

a depth of joy in the fact of an attentive and loving Father.

i cannot say with J.O. Fraser that my “peace or radiant faith in the risen and ascended Lord” is never disturbed. but i can say that the length of the disturbance is getting shorter and shorter, and for that i rejoice.

to draw further in: much of the book of Isaiah, Matthew 6, Sara Hagerty’s adoration instagram

chasing joy | write 31 days

September 30, 2015 / mel

Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. -Jesus

reading of a joy that could not be taken intrigued me. i wondered, is He talking about heaven, or will seeing Him alive again give these guys this un-take-able joy? will no one be able to take it from them even while left living out their days here on earth?

a few days later i got my answer…

They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go.

The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Messiah.

what kind of joy is it that a flogging can not remove it? that they could feel the terror and excruciating pain and yet rejoice all at the same time? because i don’t believe it is an either/or situation here. i think it is something completely other. the light shines in the darkness, the darkness cannot not overcome it, yet, it still remains in contrast to it. Jesus says there is a joy that cannot be taken-no matter how dark things get. this is something i want. it is something i’ve been seeking to understand and take hold of ever since i sat there in awe at these verses coupled together in just such a way. if it’s a joy that cannot be taken, then it’s source must be different than the things that are bringing me joy today. these things that could be gone tomorrow. i know the Sunday School answer is that its source is Jesus. but what does this mean, how does this change my afternoon?

i named this blog; chasing joy. naming a blog is a hard thing to do, for how does one capture the main theme of their writing? i didn’t know, but i had perceived a theme permeating my everyday. a chasing after a joy that neither the wonderful and amazing nor the dry and weary and dark things could smother. that fullness of joy found in the very Presence of the One who’s Life is the Light of men.

so i named the blog and i started writing. but i never really connected the dots between the one and the other. October welcomes in the 31 days writing challenge, which is such a hard and meaningful exercise for me. the point is to focus in and go deeper into one topic. this year i’ll be diving deeper into this mysterious Joy i’ve been chasing after, the joy my Captain has been guiding my path towards all along. to see all the posts in the series, click here:

and here are other 31 days series i’ve done in the past:

(Wonder)

to draw further in: John 1:1-14; John 16-17; Acts 5:17-41

life | the days of the small things

September 22, 2015 / mel

i once tried to explain snow to a little dark skinned girl living on the equator. in that moment i wished my college creative writing teacher had given me that impossible task of searching out words that could adequately explain snow to a child who had no reference point to comprehend it. ‘a snow man is a man who brings the snow? or sells the snow? or takes the snow away?’ ‘cold like ice, but fluffy like cotton?’ giggle giggle giggle; she looked at me with those laughing eyes. how i wanted to just scoop her up and bring her somewhere that she could experience the wonder of snow. then, and only then would she really understand and would my words make sense.

two boys whose houses are only a blocks apart sit at their desks on a random crisp-air filled day. they are to be writing away about what they experienced over their break from school. one is writing away, the other… not so much. the writing one happens to belong to me and i know all about what his words are describing. i was there when his eyes beheld the wonder of a new place traversed and his heart drank deep the joy of long days of freedom at home with no place to go.

‘experienced on my break? go somewhere? something to write? i got suspended from the boys and girls club for punching a 6 year old in the face.’ his feet shuffle and he stares at me with those angry empty eyes. my words are inadequate to describe the wonder of the big world that exists around him. he’s no reference point to comprehend it. how i longed to scoop him up and bring him somewhere where he could experience joy and wonder and freedom.

joy for the one boy and grief for the other flood my soul and i’m unable to tame it. longing for relief, i dream of something to DO. some program, some ministry, some big agenda to fix this.

Who despises the day of small things?

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i do.

i discount what i’m already doing. fully aware in the ocean of need all i’ve got to offer is such a small droplet, and i despise it.

as i focus on the inadequacy of my words to describe snow, i lose sight of the fact that there is a little girl on the equator who’s heard there is something in this world called snow. as i focus on the inadequacy of my words and time to describe and reveal life, i lose sight of the fact that there is a little boy in the 4th grade who’s encountered something other, something different than the broken places, noisy screens, and chaos his world encompasses.

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when i despise the day of small things, i deny the God of might and power. i forget the Spirit of the LORD Almighty, the Author of space and time* who has the capacity of full comprehension and infinite power. i expect little, instead of trusting Him to accomplish much.** i daydream of bigger impacts, new programs, ministries to the children at my neighborhood school that could accomplish so much more than my weekly hour or two of help with their math and my own boy’s friendship. i dream of making a difference, instead of giving careful thought to the reality of the difference being made by the Captain of my days.

‘Be strong, all you people of the land,’ declares the LORD, ‘and work.’ For I am with you,’ declares the LORD Almighty…. ‘Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.

-haggai 2:4, zechariah 4:6

my words and work are inadequate in and of themselves. but in the hands of this LORD Almighty?

He brings forth Life

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

*JJ Heller from the song Fully Known **a reverse of the thought in Haggai 1:9

to draw further in: the book of Haggai and Zechariah, especially Zechariah 4 and Revelation 5. my cross references connected Zechariah 4:10 with Revelation 5:6. i don’t claim to comprehend the complexities of these chapters, but i did find them to speak to me on the smallness of a man named zerubbabel, and a people living long ago, coupled with the mighty and mysterious plan of the God of the universe.

life | down paths i fear to see

August 27, 2015 / mel

I said, “Let me walk in the field.”
God said, “No, walk in the town.”
I said, “There are no flowers there.”
He said, “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said, “But the sky is black,
There is nothing but noise and din.”
He wept as He sent me back,
“There is more,” He said, “there is sin.”

…

I pleaded for time to be given.
He said, “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem hard in heaven
to have followed the steps of your Guide.”

I cast one look at the field,
Then set my face to the town.
He said, “My child do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for a crown?”

Then into His hand went mine,
and into my heart came He.
Now i walk with a light Divine,
The path i had feared to see.
-What Christ Said by George MacDonald. 
find the complete poem here

ten years ago i found myself in the middle of packing boxes preparing to move into the tiniest house ever right smack dab in the middle of town instead of the dreamed and worked towards log cabin in the mountains. i remember clearly hearing the Lord’s whisper; “I am answering your prayers” It made no sense at the time for it felt like He was answering my prayers with a big fat NO! still i pondered His whisper in my heart and watched and waited. now, these 10 years later, i can see it. how my deep heart longings and desires for my children and family were answered with a big YES! via a path i would never have known to choose.

the children have grown from toddlers to teens, yet following my Guide down paths i fear to see has remained a consistant theme for me. what i’m beginning to grasp is that these are becoming the very places where He does His best heart work. where He grows us and heals us and frees us. these paths are often neither easy nor comfortable, and at times i’m being led straight into the valley of sorrow unable to comprehend the rivers of joy that await me on the other side.

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recently i found myself praying during the long dark hours of the night. unable to sleep with an ache that can only be quieted by the One who knows, i walked circles in the floor and laid my heart bare before my faithful and wise God. daylight came and life continued on as it does, but there was a settling and a watching and a waiting on my capable Father. doors appeared and decisions were made completely unrelated to my late night longings….or so i thought. as far as the eye could see there was no connection between the ordinary goings about in that day and the restless wrestling of the night before.

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but the One who governs the sun, moon and stars-He knew. and today i find myself completely amazed at the way He orchestrated such a perfect answer to those prayers that night. i’m in awe at the ways He is responding to the desires and secret petitions of my heart. here again it is on a path where i have said-out loud to other people-that i would not walk. a path i said wasn’t a good fit for our family. today-this particular path-is precisely what our family needed.

what if the thing we think we need will actually prevent our true longings from being fulfilled? what if the things we think will ruin everything will actually give us life?

could it be that some of the places we run away from are the very places that hold the deepest treasures, deepest freedoms, deepest joys?

He’s teaching me to go where He says go, when He says to –not because i understand, or even expect anything but more pain or frustration, or even have any notion of the connection between the latest command and prayer of my heart –no, i go because my Guide can be trusted where He leads, because He is for me, and He knows better how to fulfill my heart longings than my small brain can comprehend.

where is it for you? is there somewhere you are running away from, turning back because what is ahead is a valley of sorrow and you are afraid? confused? take heart! there is a whole cloud of witnesses cheering you on. david was afraid too as he trusted in his God. Abe was confused too when he reasoned that God was able to raise Isaac from the dead. and dear ol’ Paul, through learning, was persuaded that this One he knew and believed was able to keep that which he had committed to Him. and then there is JJ Heller….

He is able. i know Whom i have believed. i will trust.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in

Psalm 37; 2 Timothy 1:12, Genesis 22:5; Hebrews 11:19

waiting through the dark night of the soul

August 9, 2015 / mel

…in the early days of spiritual life, the soul often finds delight in devotional activities: We love to read the Bible, we hunger for worship we long to pray.”

-John Ortberg, Soul Keeping

i sit with my Bible, Daily Light and my journal, and stare off into space. i have experienced the life found in saturating my soul with His words, and yet, here i sit and there is nothing. i attempt to read and it all just goes right out into space and i can’t take hold of anything. i, the one who has been writing words since i learned to write, cannot form a sentence, cannot find words to pray.

“But there will come a time when God will bid them to grow deeper. He will remove the previous consolation of the soul in order to teach it….” In the dark night, my prayers feel like they reach no higher than the ceiling. In the dark night, the Bible I read turns to ashes. In the dark night, words and books and songs that once spoke to my soul now leave me cold.”

-John Orgberg, Soul Keeping (quoting The Dark Night of the Soul by Saint John of the Cross. This Saint John of the Cross describes the dark night of the soul as not just the experience of suffering, but the suffering in what feels like the silence of God.)

my Rock has been silent. for quite a long time. He’s not a tame lion you see, as CS Lewis would say. and yet, He hasn’t been altogether silent. there have been the middle of the night awakenings, where His word pinpoints and brings comfort and conviction. The moments of standing at the sink of dishes and being overcome with prayers that bring me straight to my knees. He’s just been uncontrollable. and i’ve been thirsty.

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly;
My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You,
In a dry and weary land where there is no water.

all summer long i’ve been sitting with Psalm 19

pondering what it means that nothing is hidden from the heat of the sun and the correlation between that and “the law of the LORD, the statues of the LORD, the precepts of the LORD, the commands, the fear, the ordinances of the LORD.”

pondering that and wholeheartedly declaring as if it was my own pen which penned the words; Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins, may they not rule over me. and oh, may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD my Rock and my Redeemer.

When the soul begins to enjoy the benefits of the spiritual life and then has them taken away, it becomes embittered and angry. There are some who become angry at themselves at this point, thinking that their loss of joy is a result of something they have done or have neglected to do. They will fuss and fret and do all they can to recover this consolation….Their problem is that they lack the patience that waits for whatever God would give them and when God chooses to give.

-John Ortberg Soul Keeping

as i’ve wrestled with this silence and distance, and then sudden nearness and loudness of my God-i’ve longed to tame Him. i’ve longed to figure out what caused this riff and distance between us, i’ve longed to capture His nearness that i could control it and bring it forth when i need it.

because i need Thee every hour.

because He is my strength, i cannot make it without Him.

as if His silence means His absence.

except that it doesn’t.

Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.

and so, as i wait on Him in the darkness, i continue to show up with my Bible and Journal and pen, knowing that He is present whether i feel Him or not, whether i hear from Him or not. and when my deep longings and deepest fears wake me in the middle of the night and He meets me there with balm and communion and connection-i drink as if a child in Uganda at a freshly drilled well. i join my fellow sojourners on Sunday morning and close my eyes and breath in His word as it is spoken by them. i receive His living water when He gives it, and flip over from psalm 19 to psalm 37, where He quiets me with; “Trust – Commit – Rest – do not fret”

and i say to my soul; “Surely the darkness cannot overwhelm me, for my God is near.”

The Life series will continue-just as those thoughts come, not necessarily in series. i know i’ve been quiet here, a by-product of this season i’m in. thank you for grace.

to draw further in Psalm 37, 139, Isaiah 40, especially vs. 26-31

life | running

June 24, 2015 / mel

the alarm goes off in the dark of summer. the inability to quit on my girl is stronger than the mighty ability to quit on myself, so i get up and rouse her out of her slumber. we push it to the very edge, she and i, giving ourselves first 20, then 10, and then 5 minutes to get ready. yes, 5 minutes will be enough, our sleep hungry bodies think. this is the logic of one whose natural body rhythm does not include mornings. so we run late and we don’t comb our hair, but we show up. she has a swimming class. and i will run.

my health is not where i want it to be. and i am a simple minded person, not one to cook complicated food or start complicated plans. i know two things that need addressing, an addiction to sugar and a lack of exercise. there are more, but two things are enough to focus on for the time being. so for the sugar addiction I’ve replaced my daily chai tea lattes with just tea and for the exercise, i’m running.

i want to quit. i really do. mightily when the alarm goes off yes, but even still after my girl has sauntered off to class. i rationalize other things to do during this hour, maybe stay in the car and read, or go sit next to the other moms by the pool and get to know them-that would be neighborly and right wouldn’t it? no, that still small voice replies,

run.

I’m Brennan. I’m an alcoholic.
How I got there, why I left there, why I went back, is the story of my life.
But it is not the whole story.
…
I’m Brennan. I was a priest, but am no longer a priest. I was a married man but am no longer a married man.
How I got to those places, why I left those places, is the story of my life too.
But it is not the whole story.

I’m Brennan. I’m a sinner saved by grace.
That is the larger and more important story.
Only God, in His fury, knows the whole of it.

-Brennan Manning from The Furious Longing of God

there is a storm swirling around inside, dark clouds looming thick and strong.

and when i run it rises up from those deep places within and spills forth into view and i see it. like Brennan, this is not my whole story, only one part of many other parts that make up the whole of me. but it is an important part to look at and sit with. today, however, i resisted for 30 minutes. i just sat in the car and kept the storm just below the surface, glancing at it a little, forming words around it a little, only a little. but the One who always wins had His way. knowing the invitation for what it was, i opened the door and got out of the car.

too often i think satan is winning. too often it feels like he is winning.

he is not winning.

he does not win.

O LORD, the king rejoices in Your strength.
How great is his joy in the victories You give.

-psalm 21

i am no king, but i too rejoice in the victories He gives.

today as my feet hit the pavement the tears flowed freely. out here on these public streets we wrestle, He and i, deep calling to deep, mining for the treasures He’s promised in the dark places.

personal words with real and deep laments brought before me to hold in my hands and look at from all directions. invited to know that He is the Lord, the God of Israel who summons me by name.

i have no hope for change or remedy or relief. these are the places the fight has gone, He knows this.

but i am still running.

and there is hope in that.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in: Psalm 21:1 and Isaiah 45:3

a bit of housekeeping

June 11, 2015 / mel

it’s been nearly a full two weeks since the last day of school and each and every day i have had an idea, a plan of sorts, for our waking hours. and i have yet had one day go according to plan. i sit here on the fence between establishing a scaffold for our time and resting in the One who is actually in control. these things need not compete with one another, but daily disappointments need tender tending if i’m not to grow cynical and give up all together.

i intentionally planted those pansies. the squirrels intentionally uproot them and drag them outside of the pot. i wake to find them strewn across my yard and re-pot them. i can not make the squirrels stop. eventually i cry uncle and let the pot be. but then i see, there in the upturned dirt, with roots barely even covered, this plant fights back and blooms. so i tuck it back in a bit and bask in the beauty. and i allow the Spirit to work in my heart, enabling my eyes to see the beauty planted in each of these unpredictable days, to keep plugging away at the work though the progress is slower than i’d hoped.

progress. it’s always slower than i hope.

so it goes here. i’ve multiple drafts for the life series, among other things. and i’ve begun work on some of the technical aspects of this space as well. over there in the sidebar there is now a way to sign up to receive posts in your inbox. i know my writing is not predictable, and this will allow you to receive an email with the post each time one is published.

i appreciate all of you who stick it out with me and this space, thank you thank you. if you try out the e-mail thing and find anything not working, drop me a line at mel at lucashome dot net.

and may you know that deep comfort from the One who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them by name. Because of His mighty strength and great power, not one of them is missing, not a one. He is keeping track of the stars, and oh so much more, He is keeping track of you and me!

to draw further in: Isaiah 40, quoted above is verse 26

life | in anguish

May 19, 2015 / mel

God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says -“I will be with him in trouble.” It does not matter what actual troubles in the most extreme form get hold of a man’s life, not one of them can separate him from his relationship to God. We are “more than conquerors in all these things.” Paul is not talking of imaginary things, but of things that are desperately actual; and he says we are super-victors in the midst of them, not by our ingenuity, or by our courage, or by anything other than the fact that not one of them affects our relationship to God in Jesus Christ. Rightly or wrongly, we are where we are, exactly in the condition we are in.

“Shall tribulation…..?” Let tribulation be what it may-exhausting, galling, it is not able to separate us from the love of God. Never let cares or tribulations separate you from the fact that God loves you.

“Shall anguish….?” -can God’s love hold when everything says that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

“Shall famine….?” -can we not only believe in the love of God but be more than conquerors, even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God when the odds are against God’s character. Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for it-the love of God in Christ.

“Out of the wreck I rise” every time.

-Oswald Chambers

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in; Romans 8

Chasing Joy

Page 7 of 22

chasing joy | reality

chasing joy | kept

chasing joy | through discouragement

chasing joy | write 31 days

life | the days of the small things

life | down paths i fear to see

waiting through the dark night of the soul

life | running

a bit of housekeeping

life | in anguish

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