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Restoring Wonder | Lament

December 9, 2014 / mel

i’ve sat on these words for a few days now, wondering; who am i to write on suffering and lament? there are many wiser and more qualified folk who have covered this subject well- C.S. Lewis’ A Greif Observed and Amy Carmichael’s Rose from Briar are long time favorites of mine on the subject. The God of all Comfort-He is a Mysterious One. but this is where i am-battling yet again for Hope and Wonder amidst deep pain and suffering and so much i don’t understand. the only thing i know to do is wrestle with the Angel-because there is no other Rock; I know not one.

Job’s Second Test

So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head. Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes. -p.492 of my Bible

my God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Why are You so far from saving me? -Jesus

Dishonesty allows my false self, the imposter who is the slick, sick, and subtle impersonator of true self, to engage in life on a fraudulent basis…..The denial, displacement, or repression of feelings is blatant dishonesty and leads to a loss of integrity.

-Brennan Manning, in his introduction to Fil Anderson’s book Running on Empty (p.xiii)

there was this battle for hope… (so many battles for hope)

the pray-er approaching the Throne room with loud cries and supplications-that she believed with all her heart came directly from her King in the first place. it was a real battle on another’s behalf for hope to be supernaturally supplied and a real battle to believe that her prayers were not in vain.

the appearance of things from that day are that hope mockingly laughed at the foolishness of this pray-er to believe that God prompted or heard, and even worse, hope mockingly laughed at the one prayed for-the one suffering terribly already-that she would trust this pray-er’s words and believe that God would respond with comfort and a glimpse of Himself.

Sometimes our Faithful One says yes to the sifting and no to the cry for release.

i don’t know if Job ever sinned in his suffering. i do know that Jesus never sinned in His.

with toddlers underfoot my days were often spent chuckling whilst wrestling one into time-out because of their wailing and kicking over not getting their way.

if not for the honest lament, i would not have been able to address the selfishness.

those days also found me wrestling with one wailing and kicking because his broken nervous system could not process the air touching his skin-these were cries for relief from horrible pain. again, if not for the honest lament, i would not have known to seek help for his suffering.

like my children, some of my laments are shallow and immature-stemming from a root sin of selfishness and pride. and some of my laments are deep and mature, stemming from a root of utter fear of the One whose love i’ve trusted will not fail.

either way…..

I want to see miracles, to see the world change
I’ve wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I’m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
and I’m not copping out, not copping out…..
Cause You’re raising the dead in me

-Switchfoot-Twenty-Four

The Lord delights in those who fear Him; who put their hope in His unfailing love…..

sometimes i think Hope looks a little like Lament…..

Awake, O Lord! Why do you sleep?
We are brought down to the dust; our bodies cling to the ground.
Rise up and help us;
redeem us because of
Your Unfailing Love.

To draw further in…. Psalm 22; 40; 42:7-11; 44:23-26; 103; Lamentations 3

for understanding | pursuit

December 2, 2014 / mel

Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress,
and for their children it will be a refuge.

the door slams and i start washing the dishes. the tension is thick and i think to myself, no one is feeling very safe or very loved right now. how can a fortress provide refuge if the battle is inside its walls?

i stew in all the ways that i am right and have been offended. as is often the case with these dishes of mine, the Spirit begins to stir within and i’m told to pursue. to seek out. to walk the path to where she is hiding out. and i’m reminded of all that i do not know and all that i long for our home to provide to it’s inhabitants and all the ways it doesn’t.

and so i walk the path and do not expect the tears i find. we walk the path back together with dad (who is so logical and steady) and talk it all through and at the end we have come to understand each other (related to this particular issue anyway) and it makes all the difference.

i too am hiding away in my pain and grief related to this season and all the ways we’ve failed eachother. and He pursues. He walks the path towards me and together, my Steady One and i talk it all through…..

i’ve attempted all the things, but all the things appear to be no match for the wounds from without or the wounds from my own sins. my misjudgments (read misunderstandings), my leanancy when strictness was called for and my strictness when tender mercy was called for.

You have said i’ve been redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to me from my forefathers. -1peter 1:18

and i resolved not to hand down an empty way of life to my kids. but deep within i fear that is the very thing i’ve handed down. which leads me to wonder;

what is it that makes a life empty?
what is it that makes a life full?

it is not perishable things that redeem, it is only the blood of Jesus and i too am helpless in the handing of that down…..except for a demonstration of my own neediness for it, of our neediness for it.

this is what these teen years have been revealing to me-the wounds have not been covered by all the things, even the good and obedient things. they can only be covered by Christ’s blood.

oh Father, that she would…..that we all would …feel safe and feel loved…

in You.

……and i begin to understand the One who Pursues. …and this One who Pursues provides understanding.

days later we’re all crammed together working at this workhorse of a kitchen table. with papers strewn between us, this Pursuing One breathes hope and i am overcome with perplexity and gratitude. in this moment, amidst this mundane, she grasps my true heart towards her and speaks it forth. in her words, i grasp her true heart towards mine and my heart swells with the joy found amidst papers and assignments and drudgery.

oh my Lord-

i have beheld Your Glory.

for understanding | charactor

November 22, 2014 / mel

Sifting through the pains of my recent influx of misunderstandings, i am becoming aware of the sting related to having my words misinterpreted from a deficient knowledge of my character.
and then there is the deeper pain of having my character misinterpreted because of misunderstanding my words or my actions, my absence of words or my absence of actions.

i’ve found myself in some difficult passages of scripture lately and this is how things went the other day;

me: ranting and raving about how what i’m reading seems so cruel.

Christ-do you see how you are misunderstanding Me?

me: oof….sigh

here i am allowing my confusion to lead me into questioning the Faithful One’s character. and so it goes with everyone else. i do this to others and they do it to me and it hurts.

some source this quote to Plato, others to Ian MacLaren (http://quoteinvestigator.com)

the Word made flesh has invited me to view His word through what I know of His Character rather than view His character through what i’m struggling with in His word.

and he’s offering me salve for the wounds i’m carrying; that pain when people think bad things about me because I’ve made their favor my goal.

Come now, My love. My lovely one, come.
Come to Me, My weary, My burdened one, come.

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your soul.

to draw further in: Isaiah 43; Matthew 11:28-30; Song of Songs 2:10-14(NJB)

for understanding | composition

November 17, 2014 / mel

Her eyes give away the anxiousness mixed with anticipation. in her thoughts she reminds herself that her God is both good and sovereign and can be trusted with what He gives and where He leads.

Photo taken at a Quilt Show in 2011. I do not know the artist’s name.

composing those words and this picture amidst a scene of other excited travelers embarking on a wonderful week-long artist retreat in Normandy France would carry the statements about God into a specific place in a receiver’s heart.

composing those words and this picture amidst a scene of bomb-destroyed rubble and other weary and frightened travelers embarking on a long journey to a refugee camp would carry the statements about God into a very different place in the receiver’s heart.

same words, same picture. different understanding.

the places that the Lord is inviting me- you know, those places of feeling inept, the pain of being misunderstood, of struggling with communication. i have become aware of a myriad of ways this is playing out in my life these days. Providentially showing up it seems everywhere i turn. and so my Father has my attention and i am seeing various places for tearing down idols and building up strength in Him. so here i am with another unplanned series.

today is a lesson in composition.

i have mastered enough of the English language to effectively use words to communicate.

however, that composition thing-the way words filter in through the composition of a person’s life and land where they will within that– Jesus alone is master of the skill of weaving words perfectly and personally, getting to the individual heart of things. He is also the master of the skill of giving enough detail in such a way to gain understanding. me-i am inept at all of that. and so if anything i say is to be understood the way it is meant to be understood-He will have to intervene. and if anything i say is to be understood the way HE means it to be, He will have to intervene there too.

…”for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

and so the Master Communicator invites me to pray over my words….

….and then release them into His capable hands.

growing quiet

November 12, 2014 / mel

i sit amongst a group of folks and attempt to share a glimpse of hope from my tender Father. the response is clear-they don’t get it. in fact what they hear is completely opposite of what i am actually saying. it’s important to me, so i try again. i give it a third go. driving home, sifting down the frustration and i can name it-misunderstood.

i resolve that i must be inept and unable to communicate. and so i grow quiet. everywhere.

later, i’m back amongst these folks and 4 people, yep 4, share the very glimpse of hope i was attempting before and everyone, yep everyone gets it. i resist the temptation to declare (read shout) “That’s exactly what i was saying!” but i don’t. instead i write in my journal-what am i going to choose to do with this? What are You inviting me into here?

i am very well aware of the churning and battle going on that is specific to me and there is no coincidence here-this pain of misunderstanding, this awareness of my lack in communication-it is purposeful and i know the Lover of my Soul is inviting me into something other, something new.

so i do what makes the most sense for thinking deeply and processing through what is going on in my heart…..

i clean odd and random places; the drawer under the stove, the top of the fridge

i dash outside facing off that wind blowing the fall out and winter in and rescue a few branches with leaves on them…you know to decorate with.

i sit down and read one of the Anne of Green Gables books.

Gilbert had finally made up his mind that he was going to be a doctor.

“It’s a splendid profession,” he said enthusiastically. “A fellow has to fight something all through life…..and I want to fight disease and pain and ignorance…..I want to do my share of honest, real work in the world, Anne….add a little to the sum of human knowledge that all the good men have been accumulating since it began. The folks who lived before me have done so much for me that I want to show my gratitude by doing something for the folks who will live after me. It seems to me that is the only way a fellow can get square with his obligations to the race.”

“I’d like to add some beauty to life,” said Anne dreamily…..

-Anne of Avonlea p.53

me too, Anne, me too.

Winnie-the-Pooh and Inner Joy

November 7, 2014 / mel

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder and as part of his therapy we have used The Engine Program. He has three different engine possibilities and for the sake of understanding we labeled them; Tigger (high), Pooh (perfect), Eeyore (low). His engine is not the same as his emotions-it’s part of his processing of the world. If his engine is Pooh, he can deal with sadness and disappointment in a healthy, typical way. If his engine is Eeyore, however, that same sadness or disappointment would crush him, in fact anything and everything crushes him when his Engine is Eeyore. It’s hard to put words around it, but we all who have witnessed these different ‘Engines’ understand. So we do check-in’s regularly and prescribe appropriate therapies to return to a Pooh level if needed. and those seasons that find him bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, not able to regulate-those require a diligent daily Sensory Diet until he is able to maintain that Pooh level again. Another thing to note here is that the therapies always have a delayed effectiveness-i have never found it to be immediate.

I like Pooh, I have ever since I was a little girl…..i interrupt this post to bring you a brief reminder on how wonderful the Pooh stories are…..

It was a drowsy summer afternoon, and the Forest was full of gentle sounds, which all seemed to be saying to Pooh, “Don’t listen to Rabbit, listen to me.” So he got into a comfortable position for not listening to Rabbit…..

–In Which Tigger is Unbounced by A. A. Milne

moving on….

bird

I’ve been studying the beginnings of Israel’s wilderness wanderings. Growing in understanding of Who the Lover of my soul is, and the truth that He is my only Hope, my only Security. Knowing that the more i grasp the truth of this, the more i am free to enjoy the withering grass and fading flowers. Freed from the requirement of comforts in order to experience JOY. Enjoying a thing vs. being enslaved by a thing -oh it is truly for freedom that He Has Come.

Hpim1093

With those thoughts percolating for a few weeks, on Sunday I find myself listening to wisdom from Solomon. and among the nuggets of truth, these words are read aloud and i catch my breath.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

-2 Corinthians 4:7-10

This is what it means for me, a Christian-to have an Engine that is Pooh!

those years of therapies culminate for me on this day into a real object lesson that i can grasp.

when my Engine is Pooh, i possess an inner joy and inner strength. and i can be hard pressed, but not crushed, perplexed, but not abandoned. But when i’m bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, i need a ‘daily sensory diet’ to get my Engine regulated. The effectiveness isn’t always immediate for me either. this Engine is still a bit of an unpredictable mystery even after all these years. but consistent and daily therapies do produce results. Over time i’m given Power to Grasp, and that Freedom that truly sets me free. and my Engine maintains at Pooh on a more regular basis.

and when it doesn’t i meditate on words like these:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power…in this You greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

-1 Peter 1:3-9

To draw further in; Exodus 19 and 20, slowing down especially on 19:3-13; 1 Kings 3:7-10; 11:1-6; Ecclesiastes 11-12

wrapping it all up

November 1, 2014 / mel

“You don’t learn to pray by studying prayer. You learn to pray by studying God.”

— @hbcharlesjr #ExpositorsSummit

all day yesterday i searched for the words to conclude this series on prayer, but they never came. so i waited-having learned this month to hold the commitment to write each day loosely when the words aren’t there. This morning at Bible Study i heard this quote and knew these were the very words i was waiting for to end this series on.

i started this series with questions and as i glance back through i see this focus on knowing Jesus emerging. and i find myself settling in on a new question;

Lord I know that you are with me, what can i know about You here in this place, in this circumstance?

i’d say that’s been a shift from studying prayer to studying God, wouldn’t you?

One habit that has greatly influenced my prayer walk has been the habit of Adoration. i don’t remember how i came upon Sara Hagerty’s blog, but i will say that i joined instagram so that i could daily meditate on Who God Is. because daily she posts these:

i think there were over 1600 other bloggers who took on this write31days challenge. Here are a few i enjoyed:

how to save a life

October 30, 2014 / mel

I would have stayed up with you all night,
had i known how to save a life.
-The Fray

but it’s been a long time since i’ve been a witness to His working in that way i spoke of. and i had forgotten all about it until yesterday when He gave me those words.

and i began to grow weary and i began to ask all the questions.

and i began to loose sight of the only Goal worth having; which is to know Him deeper, wider, more.

and i began to lose heart.

There are those for whom prayer is all i’ve got left. and apparently if i don’t believe something is working, than i fail to see it’s value. which reveals to me that prayer had become merely a means to an end. and it reveals how little i really know.

i wasn’t there when earth’s foundation was laid. and i don’t know how to save a life. but there is One who knows the number of hairs on my head and His Eye is on the sparrow.

Then Job replied to the LORD:
“i know that You can do all things;
no plan of Yours can be thwarted.
You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures My counsel without knowledge?’
Surely i spoke of things i did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.

You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you, and you shall answer me.
My ears had heard of You
but now my eyes have seen You.
Therefore i repent in dust and ashes.

Job 42

the invitation

October 29, 2014 / mel

Amelia Taylor…. ever heard of her?

Amelia Taylor, the beloved sister of Hudson Taylor, was a faithful supporter of her brother’s ministry through prayer. …In 1859, Amelia Taylor married Benjamin Broomhall (1829-1911). This marriage led to the deep-rooted and long-lasting affiliation between the Broomhalls and China.”

The Broomhalls and China

long before Hudson even had a ministry, Amelia faithfully supported her wayward brother with prayer…

Some little time after [my conversion], I picked up a pocketbook exactly like one of my own, and thinking that it was mine, opened it. The lines that caught my eye were an entry in the little diary, which belonged to my sister, to the effect that she would give herself daily to prayer until God should answer in the conversion of her brother. Exactly one month later the Lord was pleased to turn me from darkness to light.

-Hudson Taylor-from his autobiography

From Amelia, i see the invitation into something invisible. something unknown. something powerful.
It’s prayer.

would i be content to be as she? faithful in prayer, unseen and unknown by most. content to be known and seen by my Father alone?

i’m getting there….i’m getting there.

there are those times, when another is sharing from their heart the amazing thing their Jesus has done. and i wonder if the gasp is audible. i have their name written by those very words in my own Bible-and i’m left to wonder;

did i do that with my prayers? or did You simply invite me into the plan You were executing in their life?

i don’t know the answer to those questions. but i do know that He prompted the pouring out on their behalf. and He granted a witness to His answer. and my view of Him is higher and deeper-

He invites me into this intimate communion. this sharing of mysteries too much for me to grasp. it’s hidden, unseen, known only to Him and i. the fruit of which is beyond anything i could conceptualize-as i’m sure was the case with dear Amelia. Her heart was stirred for her brother-that was all. and millions in China will never be the same because of it.

Who is a God like our Lord?
Oh the depths of the riches of
the wisdom and
knowledge of God.
How unsearchable His judgments,
and His paths beyond tracing out!

in sickness

October 28, 2014 / mel

But I have not found myself that illness makes prayer easier, nor do any of our family who have been ill tell me that they have found it so. Prayerfulness does not seem to be a flower of the spirit that grows of itself. When we are well perhaps we rather take it for granted that it does, as though what is sometimes called a “sick-bed” offered natural soil for that precious flower. I do not think that it does. A bed can be a place of dullness of spirit as well as of body, and prayer is, after all, work-the most strenuous work in all the world.

Amy Carmichael | Rose from Briar p.55

Chasing Joy