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forward and back and January has 31 days

January 2, 2014 / mel

after christmas sale at Hobby Lobby and our outside tree has decorations!

i’m not really with the program here.

yesterday was tuesday, today is wednesday. the calendar still rests on December (tho actually yesterday was New Years Eve and today is New Years Day and it’s now January)

we’ve been spending these days all together. there have been moments of that gut wrenching laughter (i didn’t think it had to come at my expense, but whatever), and time up at the cabin and time with family and friends. there have been late nights with new shows to watch (Foyles’ War and Inspector Lewis). there have been plenty of the other things that come with being together-the bickering, the taking a walk just to be alone with only the sound of my footsteps.

1000 pieces and 2 days of togetherness

and i’ve wanted to write about my favorites from 2013 – looking back
and i’ve wanted to write about my longings for 2014 – looking forward.

but i also know that these days are numbered. the oldest will continue to grow older and in the not too distant future will be doing her own thing with her own friends…driving her own self around. and the other two will follow. and our time together will change into something other than what it is right now.

and right now with these who are right here is right where i want to be. i wish somehow i would have made both the writing and the being happen.

but i’ve also been hearing some whispering deep within on Wonder. just like the whisperings on provision back in October when the nester hosted her 31 days series.

January has 31 days in it too.

and so today-this 1st day of 2014
i’m slipping in here with a very hesitant and loose commitment to another 31 days of writing

this time through the lens of Wonder.

and He will be called
Wonder-ful

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

tidings of comfort and joy

December 19, 2013 / mel

bench on a street corner in North Carolina

tomorrow is the last day of school before break. half a year of 3rd, 5th, and 9th grade over. 2 weeks off to play legos and worship and rest….and maybe if the forecast is accurate a snow fort? of course there will be bickering and finding ourselves in eachothers way and the smallness of this house will feel too tight at times. and at other’s the smallness of this house will feel cozy and just right.

as we all enter in with extra food and family and time together….

may we find places of rest where we least expect them, a bench to sit on and someone who speaks our language. may the wonder of it all, the Love that came down to free us from the vows we take and the prisons we make….. oh this Christmas…. may there be just a little more freedom and a lot more grasping of the height and depth and width and breadth of a Father who loves like no other.

and the thing i’ve been praying for the 5 of us under this roof is many many moments of
gut wrenching
stomach hurting
pants peeing
laughter! may you have the same??

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.
I came
that they may have life
and have it abundantly.
I am the good shepherd. (john 10)

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Unwrapping Hope in a story of a golf ball

December 17, 2013 / mel

it’s been a long time of pouring out into lives with the hope that they too could come to know the Only One who can heal their wounds and bind up their broken hearts and give them real peace.

and no one has.

the program that we are connected with is faulty.

we want our programs to work.

the methods we use are weak.

we want our methods to work.

our prayers are genuine….if infrequent.

we want our prayers to work.

some of them have come and sat in our Sanctuary and heard the gospel preached in a beautiful way.

we want our preaching to work.

i remember sitting next to one holding my bible-that i had given to her when she said she wished she had one. and there she sat with the book that had in it all my little notes and milestones of my kids and our life and in that Bible i knew exactly where on a page the particular word i was looking for was. it pained me to give it to her-but i knew what she held in her hands was life. eventually she gave it back to me.

we want our offerings and sacrifices to work.

……………………………..

today, this Tuesday Emily’s gathering has my eyes looking for the gift to be unwrapped.

it’s almost 1:00 and 5 phone calls into the day and my joy just keeps growing. The first couple were from dear ones that deposit joy, not suck it away. the other 3 could have been joy suckers.

because so much of what we want to work isn’t working.

so it seems.

but as i’m filling in one of my co-laborers on the latest developments and latest ‘response wisdom’ he tells me a story. and he doesn’t even know what the Lord is planning to do with this story. it’s just a story about a golf ball and a friend and speaking of Christ and how God worked in a way that they both just stood there for a moment speechless. but the current chapter-these 20 or so year later and that friend still rejects the God who worked that day leaving him speechless.

but it hits me.

That is who our God is!

He pursues so. He orchestrates even the landing of a golf ball. and He never stops. It’s back to that story of the chess game and He still has moves left and He will continue on with His moves. He doesn’t stop.

He won’t make us choose Him.

But He will love us to the very end.

oh, our methods fail and succeed, our prayers, our sacrifices. but if we’ve been around the block a few times we know how utterly powerless we are to really save a life.

But God?

He works. He keeps working.

He doesn’t stop.

He promises that our toils are not in vain, and they will produce a harvest if we do not lose heart.

But seriously, there is every reason to lose heart. Don’t you know it too? the person you have poured love into and prayed over and before your eyes on a regular basis is all the reasons to lose heart.

the gift given today was not in an uplifting story with a happy fruitful ending. if that’s how the golf ball story had gone i would be sitting here discouraged i think. the beauty of that story (and if you are wondering why i’m not telling it it’s because it wasn’t my story and i don’t remember all the details.) the beauty is in the way it reveals the way in which our Father loves.

the gift of joy today is the opening of my eyes to how to keep heart. (find heart? what would be the opposite of losing heart??)

how to keep heart is to remember the One who works. Who loves. Who suffers long. Who is utterly faithful.

Oh the Depths of the riches of the wisdom of God…….

I’m beginning to grasp that there is a hope candle at advent and a peace candle at advent and a joy candle at advent…….because of, and only because of the last candle we light-

Love
that comes down
and Loves……

linking up with emily freeman’s
tuesday’s unwrapped

the blog looks a little wonky right now. i just needed to say that. you can read more about that here.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

in This place?

December 13, 2013 / mel

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it! Genesis 28:16

i come in the door grumbling grumbling.

we’ve been spending ourselves this week on behalf of Isaiah 58 people.

the exhaustion is beginning to take it’s toll.

Wednesday, i was at the dentist sitting in the chair next to my daughter and the hygienist completely lost in October’s National Geographic. So much so that they kept asking me questions and talking to me and i was completely oblivious with my head in the pictures of N. Korea and the Congo. Finally my daughter yells out; “MOM! It’s time to go!” i look up and they are both staring at me as if they maybe had mentioned this already a couple of times??

late last night, somewhere between pulling into the driveway and my front door, i lost the car keys.

still, i left that to the light of the next day and attempted to make a birthday cake for my daughter. the pan tipped and spilled half-baked cake all over the oven.

i plop myself down on the couch to try that too again tomorrow and look out my window…..no lights.

those dang squirrels chewed a bulb off-now only ¼ of them light up.

after rehearsing spelling words with my 3^rd grader in the car this morning and shooing him off with a story to remember why there is a silent K in front of Knight, i drive home and the grumbling begins to rumble and spill out within.

pulling into the driveway and i remember those dang lights. and in my grumbling profanity over the lights welled up within and dang wasn’t the word i wanted to use.

i told myself it was silly to speak so about Christmas lights.

i am a complete mess.

last night driving home the words to myself were instead; “i am a complete fool.”

all the volunteers for this week are looking to me to lead them. my children are looking to me to lead them. profanity wells up within about that.

grumbling all the way i plop myself down and am irritated that the whole wide world seems to go on without needing to stop in front of the King of Kings, the Wonder of a Counselor, but no, not i. i am desperate and needy. and completely irritated at that fact. (do you see it? those lies that are such nonsense, but man, in the moment they seem so true.)

and he’s working hard, that infuriated accuser. he’s giving it all he’s got to keep me right here. exhausted and irritated. profaning the Son of God and His provision….or perceived lack there of.

flipping over the promise chart-i read these words:

The Promise of Victory

“Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 john 5:5

oh and those words begin to do their work.

i make my tea and block out the rest of the accusations about how this chai has too much sugar and i’m on December 8^th in ‘The Greatest Gift” so i should just give it up.

I open Ann’s new book to page 65

The only words on the page staring up at me are these:

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Genesis 28:16

and i sit and let these tidings of comfort wash over me, lingering before turning the page for more.

(if you don’t have the book-the focus on the reading is Genesis 28:10-16-read that and the rest will make sense i think?)

You can feel it…..like life’s this stairway that you just never stop climbing…..Like all these lists are rungs, like your failures stretch from earth to heaven, like all your rest feels like lying down on one unforgiving stone.

-Ann Voskamp The Greatest Gift p.68

and the tears that fill my eyes blur the rest of the words on the page.

the bugs and the foolishness and the cake and the congo and it all does feel like rest* on one unforgiving stone.

and today, i need my King to be a Victorious King, and my Shepherd to be a gentle Shepherd, and my Counselor to be a Wonder of a Counselor. He is all those things and so very much more.

Love has come.

daily rescuing.

daily saving.

daily strengthening.

daily quenching.

daily loving, oh how deeply loving with the very word needed-even if it’s ‘technically’ days behind schedule.

sigh. the grumbling and profanity** has stopped. although i would not complain if the neighborhood boys did some target practice on some squirrels.

Holy Holy Holy

Lord God Almighty

Merciful and Mighty

in This very place

Holy Holy Holy

are You,

my Love.

my only Hope.

my only source of Strength.

my true Rest.

*He taught me about rest. I sat in Matthew pondering these two verses side by side (11:28-30 and 13:22) and i did think of blogging on it-but the words have been hard to pin down these days-maybe soon?

** Also quoted in Ann’s book these word of Elizabeth Elliot; “[Profanity] is treating as meaningless that which is freighted with meaning. Treating as common that which is hallowed. Regarding as a mere triviality what is really a divine design. Profanity is failure to see the inner mystery.” p.69 in The Greatest Gift.
my profanity was actually not in the words i wanted to speak over the Christmas lights, it went so much deeper than that.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Love and Lights on a Tuesday

December 4, 2013 / mel

i wish i could have captured the depth of color of these lights

tuesdays have become my one day to be alone in my house. all the kids at school and the one day a week my husband takes a temporary seat at the office instead of working from home. i have come to look forward to this day-it?s my Sabbath in a way. but today jeremy had the day off.

Sunday his mom made chex-mix. Monday he came home from dropping hannah off at school in the morning a little late with grocery sacks full of chex and pretzels and peanuts.

chex-mix is one of his most favorite things. you?d think he was 10 again. but monday came with lots of work, so there was no time to oblige.

***~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~***

i mentioned Saturday that i wished we had put up lights. jeremy reminded me that his ladder is in the mountains. we haven?t gotten lights up for a couple of years now. we didn?t get to it this weekend. snow is headed our way this week. typically once the snow comes-that?s that.

Christmas lights are one of my most favorite things. you?d think i was 10 again. but the weekend came with lots of other stuff so there was no time to oblige.

***~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~***

this tuesday morning, jeremy?s out in his office. he was supposed to have yesterday off too-but things come up and sometimes it doesn?t happen as planned. i figure today will be the same, i make my tea and heat up the oven to 200. today is a slower-paced day and there?s time for chex-mix. it will bring him joy.

out in his office jeremy calls his dad to borrow his ladder. today is mostly a day off and there?s time for lights before the weather turns this afternoon. it will bring me joy.

he comes in to the smells of chili powder and worcestershire sauce. he peaks around the corner and his eyes light up- ?chex-mix?! yeah!?

he heads down under the house and comes up with the outside lights- ?Christmas lights?! yeah!?

***~~~~~~~***~~~~~~~***

by pick-up the sky has turned and the snow has begun to fall. it is freeeeezing. but the joy of the lights already twinkling amidst the flakes falling consumes me. knowing that because tuesday worked out to be a day off after all and the weather waited till late afternoon to turn and my husband?s delight to bring me joy- all added up to this.

on this ordinary day, of this ordinary life…..

getting to love and being loved…..

oh the joy!

linking up with Emily Freeman:

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

The Lord, my Shepherd

November 24, 2013 / mel

North Carolina sky

God is my shepherd

i won’t be wanting

i won’t be wanting

He makes me rest in fields of green. by quiet streams

even while i’m walking…… thru the valley……… of death and dying.

i will not fear, cause You are with me, You’re always with me.

i don’t even know how to write this post. how to paint the picture for you to understand how those words nourish in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

in the middle of the week as i lay in bed, unable to sleep because of the trauma of the day, i recited the entire thing to myself over and over and over again.

this week was full of heart wrenching struggles. the possibility that my neighbors (little) dog would have to be put down because of my (very big) dog jumping the fence. rejoicing over that outcome (she made it through surgery and will be ok) and stressing over a now large bill to pay and new fence to build from a small bank account. the time at the day center for homeless families sitting alongside a man with his head in his hands weeping over the news of his little boy far away-6 yrs. old and both legs amputated. my pregnant sister in the hospital again. too far away for me to visit.

and a month ago, in the middle of our flood, i buy a ticket that will take me to the other side of the US for the weekend. i couldn’t see into the future to be sure that it would be ok to go. i just had to trust that it would be.

it’s not really. but i’m going anyway.

when we booked the flight/car/hotel i couldn’t see thousands of miles away what the hotel we were choosing would be like. i just had to choose one.

here’s where the words fail me.

so i’ll just say that i needed my Shepherd to comfort me and make me rest when the fields weren’t green at all and there were no quiet streams. i never noticed till now that following that wonderful image (i mean can’t you just see in your mind those fields and the stream?)…following that

is the valley.

of death and dying.

David says he won’t fear.

why?

because His Shepherd is with him,

He’s always with him.

well, my Shepherd did make me rest in spite of the lack of green or quiet. and i thanked Him so very much. That His presence was constant and this weekend could still be a time of rest and refreshment…even here.

but then

in the middle of the night

bugs

bugs crawling on me. all these little bugs crawling around in my bed. suffice it to say. i freak out. and i leave. and through my sobs i manage to find myself a more suitable place to stay.

…………………………………………

i don’t even know.

here i am. this week? i have nothing. i know nothing.

and at 2 am far from home i’m wrestling with deep stuff. i wanted rest.

Whole only comes after broken. Healing only comes after wounds. Are you willing to go a bit further and see?…….It doesn’t mean that God is trying to teach us a lesson in our difficulty. Perhaps He is simply creating a masterpiece. -emily freeman – a million little ways p. 104, 105

perhaps He is creating a masterpiece.

am i willing to go a bit further and see?

man the wrestling is hard work. and i won’t be attending the Barn event rested. i’ll be attending quite fragile and quite simply exhausted i predict.

but the beauty (masterpiece?) of this weekend is that i never questioned

that He was with me

the entire time.

When i couldn’t find words, only sobbs-the Spirit translated my groans for me.

when i began to condemn myself He brought to mind just the thing i needed. (one example: condemning myself for freaking out over the bugs and not just toughing it out-and i remembered Corrie ten Boom and the biting flies. she’d put up with much thus far in that concentration camp –but the flies were too much for her too.)

He shows me that there are quiet streams here too, in this valley of death and dying. He sticks in my mind jon foreman’s words: “Two things you told me: that You are strong and You love me…..yes You love me.”

and

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (matthew 10)

and internet at the new hotel so i can stream pandora and have music to drown out any lies the enemy wants to whisper.

Yes. He is my Shepherd.

i won’t be wanting.

And this same God who takes care of me

will supply all your needs

from His glorious riches,

which have been given to us

in Christ Jesus.

(Philippians something i think)

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

gains and losses

November 20, 2013 / mel

the contrast of two clock towers – London, England

Those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship; but we who have not yet attained it cannot know this in the same way, and cannot even begin to know it at all except by continuing to obey and finding the first reward of our obedience in our increasing power to desire the ultimate reward. Just in proportion as the desire grows, our fear lest it should be a mercenary desire will die away and finally be recognized as an absurdity. But probably this will not, for most of us, happen in a day; poetry replaces grammar, gospel replaces law, longing transforms obedience, as gradually as the tide lifts a grounded ship.
-C.S. Lewis from “The Weight of Glory”

so we’ve spent some time as a family talking about things. this house. school choices. life choices. about what we lose by staying put, and what we gain. because that’s just it. every choice comes with both losses and gains. the school choices are still in process-one has to move on as he’s entering 6th grade next year. but everyone, everyone, wanted to stay put in this very house.

at that meeting-when i spoke-passion welled up from within and spilled out and the words, they. just. came.

that i’m all in with regards to the ministry. we’re all in.

and i can’t speak for my family-and it doesn’t seem like any of them were in a place of questioning it all anyway- but something has shifted in me. this process of late has culminated with an inner shift.

nothing has changed without, but within poetry is replacing grammar and longing is transforming obedience.

this life we are living is beginning to look like art.

for today, this is where we will stay and do art.

my heart is growing in contentment more consistently.

i’ve always had this problem of pining away for something other than whatever it is that i have. maybe it’s the growing up in a military family where moving was the norm rather than staying put? the thanksgiving lists help refocus my vision. but the restlessness for something other is always there. this Spirit given shift has not removed my restlessness completely-there will always be that this side of heaven as it is heaven that my heart is longing for? but the restlessness that comes from wanting a different picture painted, a different outcome, a different process, and if i really dig deep enough and am honest, the restlessness? it’s restlessness wanting a different me.

i wrote a bit ago that art + no shame = joy.

i have been living ashamed of my art.

ashamed of my home

ashamed of what i do with my time, or don’t do with my time

ashamed of the gospel (i know it is the power of God for those who believe, ….. but still often i am ashamed of it)

ashamed of my writing (the reason i haven’t really told anyone about this blog?)

ashamed of…….

that grounded ship of shame is being lifted by the tide

and my understanding of art is deepening

and the joy i’ve been running hard after

that traveling joy that Jesus promised could not be taken

it’s not been found in where i thought it would be

the tide rolls it in and deposits it on the shore of my heart as the shame is lifted out.

and so yes, i’m in. all in.

the secondary gains and losses ever present

but with shame lost?

JOY gained

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

in or out?

November 16, 2013 / mel

i’ve been praying about a thing for a while now, but last week i picked it up more intensely.

is it time to get out?

out of the ministry that brings the ruffians to my door

out of the house that is small, small, small

out of the school where the parade walks by?

there were some valid reasons for exiting the ministry-which prompted some of these prayers

and 9 men who do the work of elders and this woman met to pray and search the scriptures and plead for wisdom from the One who gives generously without finding fault.

and the question was put to my husband and i

and we were given the opportunity to get out

multiple times

and we searched the scriptures together to grasp wisdom for the issues. and we wrestled with the hard things. and when all that was worked through. what to do with the ministry and how to do it

the opportunity was put forth

to get out anyway.

if the Lord is leading us out personally-

100% support for whatever we choose.

………………………………..

we attended a meeting for a new school for the one who will be heading off to middle school next year. his brother could join him there-because they also have 4^th grade.

i looked around at other neighborhoods, with other houses

where the teen could have her own room.

……………………………….

i’ve been sitting with the Lord about the direction my life is heading now-this season of transition. and nothing has seemed clear.

and i know that i have confessed and apologized for the despising of what He’s chosen these last 10 years. and i also know that i have enjoyed and embraced it too.

i feel like the choices before me, are mine to choose.

am i in? …..all in?

or is it time to get out?

que the interlude

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

feeling homesick?

November 14, 2013 / mel

this has happened before, this ache. i don’t know if homesick is the correct term. i’ve not really any childhood home or roots that call me back. but it’s this knawing longing to be near. it happened when my younger sister was pregnant with her first so very far away in vermont. i was pregnant with my third in colorado and we delivered within a week of eachother. i longed so desperately to be near her. to share it all with her.

but could do nothing about it.

now my youngest sister is pregnant. and the knawing longing is there heavy today. wishing there was some way to not be so far away. and seeing no solution.

and all of that is miraculous, really

for this one who worked so very hard to distance myself as far as i could from my family. it was necessary for healing. and the Lord met me there and rescued me unto Himself.

but they still await their rescue and know Him not.

and they are still my dear sisters* and i do love them very much. and i long for relationships that are closer.

but i can do nothing about it.

even if i moved to be close to one, the other would be half-way across the country. it seems all us girls worked hard to distance ourselves for a time. and we all ended up spread out around this great nation of ours.

but now, reconciliation has begun. and the youngest moved back home near mom and dad. but the rest of us are settled into our new locations and we have all worked to see each other from time to time for weddings and thanksgivings and Christmases.

but the way relationships can deepen with time spent together is not possible for us.

how can a family fractured and healing go much farther when we are so far apart?

but i can do nothing about it.

and how much healing can even happen when there is no bonding over the Only One who makes completely whole?

and i can do nothing about that either.

so what does one do in a time like this? where longings are strong and there is no relief to be had of my own making?

take it to the One

the only One

who can do something about it.

and i will thank Him for whatever it is He does do.

*there is another sister-the oldest-not pictured. there is still much work of healing needed for complete restoration of all 4 of us. will it happen this side of heaven?? will it happen the other side of heaven?? only the Lord, the God of Israel who is Mighty to Save and who came for this very reason knows the answer to that question.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.