in 4 days i will forget these words (about Rain) to myself. literal rain will fall and fall and fall and roads will wash away and again we will be separated from a community we love. and i will catch a cold and my daughter will catch a cold and we will spend these free days that have come-these days when the schools are closed and all activities are cancelled and tho the road is dry in front of my house, we must stay home. we will spend them sick and with way too much tv and so we are given a gift of rest in a way. while outside deep losses and griefs are occurring. and i will get a phone call that frustrates the hell out of me. the party girl wants cigarettes and she wants me to go get her some. no. i won’t do that. there are so many things on so many levels that are wrong with that. the city is flooding for crying out loud.
and as a result my writing is scattered and my thoughts are disorganized. But in the midst of it all, He still speaks.
these thoughts…. and the old Love and Rockets lyrics play on repeat “these thoughts pin me to the wall” these thoughts of all these outcomes…
but He whispers in the mist/midst of my grieving and my gratitude and my temptations to feel guilt for the gratitude and anger for the grief, and longings deep to be somewhere else, and grief over that too, and not really knowing how i feel because it keeps changing each second. and i just want Jesus to come. back. today. right. now. and be done with all this already.
Still, He whispers:
hope and help
he whispers it through Matthew chapter 1 (really, this is the family tree?? these people??)
he whispers it through Acts 17:26-28 (He determined the exact places where men would live)
(the sticker the National Guard placed on our window of our cabin. Reminder of where we are not living.)
He speaks through these words from Emily and Ann and a friend:
“ You can’t control outcomes – you can only model how to become.”
Am I willing to finally release my perceived right to control every outcome and instead trust the results to God?
“Trust……when the outcome is beyond our ability to predict……that’s the place of trust.”
This tearing, pulling it’s deep within me. i feel pulled. i feel stretched by the outcomes, and lack of them. i feel torn in two and grasping for hope. the rain it refreshes and destroys. and both at the same time only a few miles apart.
Yet Christ promises hope.
He promised it=hope. and in the midst of being torn, he enables to keep going=help.
“For we have no power against this great multitude (of stuff) that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You. My help is in the name of the LORD who made heaven and earth.”