Matthew chapter 6.

“you are not to be like the hypocrites… are not to be like the hypocrites….you are not to be like the hypocrites….”  over and over –the Lord knows i need repetition to pay attention.

my hypocrisy .

in case reading Matthew 5 and 6 didn’t open my eyes to it, the Lord orchestrated some events to open my eyes to it.

Sunday my pastor said this;

“Sin loses its power when i tell the truth about it.”

so here it is.

the truth about it.

when they call i don’t want to answer.  when i answer i don’t want to help.  when they lost my number i was delighted.  now they have it again, i’m not delighted in the least bit.  when i help it is out of obedience, not desire.  i’m unable to now discern boundaries-because i want to build up a high tower and secure my fortress so that it is impenetrable-those are the boundaries i would like to operate under. 

another thing i’m chewing on that my pastor said Sunday; (his first day back after 6 weeks of leave) is this:

This summer i told the Lord over and over, “i can’t live like this”

now it’s; “how do i live like this?”

i’ve been saying it too.  for different reasons, but i can’t count how many times i’ve said to the Lord; “i can’t live like this.”

how do i welcome people into my world whom  i don’t love and don’t want to love?  how do i smile when i pick them up and say a cheerful hello when what i really feel is…..aarrgg? 


it sounds so harsh and i so want to tell all about why how i’m feeling is perfectly justifiable. 

and some things may be-if my heart wasn’t so selfish and  hardened against them i would be able to discern that.

but my heart has calloused over and there is no love there that i can conjure up.

so here i am.

telling the truth about it.

to the One who is safe to bear it all to…..and the internet? that feels a little….um…foolish.

but that is the truth of this heart of mine.

and the only hope is the One who died for love of me.

the One whose power raises the dead.

these words of Switchfoot have been such an encouragement.  they’ve been on repeat in my brain for over a week now.  (from the Lord i’m sure so that i’d process through this awareness of my sin straight to the gospel and who. He. is. )

i’m not copping out.

because He’s raising the dead in me.

For God Who said, Let light shine out of darkness, has shone in our hearts so as [to beam forth] the Light for the illumination of the knowledge of the majesty and glory of God [as it is manifest in the Person and is revealed] in the face of Jesus Christ (the Messiah).

However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves. 2 Corinthians 4:6-7

i keep forgetting to add this in….

this is part of a 31 day series on Provision.  To see the first post in the series click here.  To read the entire series click here and read backwards (the first post is listed last, the latest post is listed first-i don’t know how to change that. thank you for grace.)