Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it! Genesis 28:16
i come in the door grumbling grumbling.
we’ve been spending ourselves this week on behalf of Isaiah 58 people.
the exhaustion is beginning to take it’s toll.
Wednesday, i was at the dentist sitting in the chair next to my daughter and the hygienist completely lost in October’s National Geographic. So much so that they kept asking me questions and talking to me and i was completely oblivious with my head in the pictures of N. Korea and the Congo. Finally my daughter yells out; “MOM! It’s time to go!” i look up and they are both staring at me as if they maybe had mentioned this already a couple of times??
late last night, somewhere between pulling into the driveway and my front door, i lost the car keys.
still, i left that to the light of the next day and attempted to make a birthday cake for my daughter. the pan tipped and spilled half-baked cake all over the oven.
i plop myself down on the couch to try that too again tomorrow and look out my window…..no lights.
those dang squirrels chewed a bulb off-now only ¼ of them light up.
after rehearsing spelling words with my 3rd grader in the car this morning and shooing him off with a story to remember why there is a silent K in front of Knight, i drive home and the grumbling begins to rumble and spill out within.
pulling into the driveway and i remember those dang lights. and in my grumbling profanity over the lights welled up within and dang wasn’t the word i wanted to use.
i told myself it was silly to speak so about Christmas lights.
i am a complete mess.
last night driving home the words to myself were instead; “i am a complete fool.”
all the volunteers for this week are looking to me to lead them. my children are looking to me to lead them. profanity wells up within about that.
grumbling all the way i plop myself down and am irritated that the whole wide world seems to go on without needing to stop in front of the King of Kings, the Wonder of a Counselor, but no, not i. i am desperate and needy. and completely irritated at that fact. (do you see it? those lies that are such nonsense, but man, in the moment they seem so true.)
and he’s working hard, that infuriated accuser. he’s giving it all he’s got to keep me right here. exhausted and irritated. profaning the Son of God and His provision….or perceived lack there of.
flipping over the promise chart-i read these words:
The Promise of Victory
“Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 john 5:5
oh and those words begin to do their work.
i make my tea and block out the rest of the accusations about how this chai has too much sugar and i’m on December 8th in ‘The Greatest Gift” so i should just give it up.
I open Ann’s new book to page 65
The only words on the page staring up at me are these:
Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Genesis 28:16
and i sit and let these tidings of comfort wash over me, lingering before turning the page for more.
(if you don’t have the book-the focus on the reading is Genesis 28:10-16-read that and the rest will make sense i think?)
You can feel it…..like life’s this stairway that you just never stop climbing…..Like all these lists are rungs, like your failures stretch from earth to heaven, like all your rest feels like lying down on one unforgiving stone.
-Ann Voskamp The Greatest Gift p.68
and the tears that fill my eyes blur the rest of the words on the page.
the bugs and the foolishness and the cake and the congo and it all does feel like rest* on one unforgiving stone.
and today, i need my King to be a Victorious King, and my Shepherd to be a gentle Shepherd, and my Counselor to be a Wonder of a Counselor. He is all those things and so very much more.
Love has come.
daily loving, oh how deeply loving with the very word needed-even if it’s ‘technically’ days behind schedule.
sigh. the grumbling and profanity** has stopped. although i would not complain if the neighborhood boys did some target practice on some squirrels.
Holy Holy Holy
Lord God Almighty
Merciful and Mighty
in This very place
Holy Holy Holy
my only Hope.
my only source of Strength.
my true Rest.
*He taught me about rest. I sat in Matthew pondering these two verses side by side (11:28-30 and 13:22) and i did think of blogging on it-but the words have been hard to pin down these days-maybe soon?
** Also quoted in Ann’s book these word of Elizabeth Elliot; “[Profanity] is treating as meaningless that which is freighted with meaning. Treating as common that which is hallowed. Regarding as a mere triviality what is really a divine design. Profanity is failure to see the inner mystery.” p.69 in The Greatest Gift.
my profanity was actually not in the words i wanted to speak over the Christmas lights, it went so much deeper than that.
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