Elijah was hungry for an experience of divine Presence, and even the public display of God’s power in the fire that consumed the altars of Baal could not fully satisfy that hunger. He had some inkling of where to go to find what he was looking for, and he was willing to walk faithfully and resolutely in that direction.
-Ruth Haley Barton Invitation to Solitude and Silence
i enter the building for the first time this year, my prior absence purposeful. the greetings are warm and expressions of being missed do not carry any subliminal motives or guilt. should i return i will be welcomed back. should i not, care for my person overshadow the real and felt needs that remain.
this is a gift.
i’ve traversed the wilderness before-but before i’d trek in and back out again, in and back out, in and back out. keeping up with obligations that i lacked courage to shed along with real and necessary responsibilities (motherhood sleeps for no man.) this time the invitation has been different. the hunger and longing unable to be satisfied by short trips. i too have an inkling of where to go to find what i’m looking for, the question of willingness answered by my intentional withdrawal from people and places near and dear to my heart.
On top of this willingness to walk away from the peopled places of his life, places that had a bit of definition, Elijah had an even deeper willingness: he was willing to walk into the emptiness of the wilderness in order to find what he was looking for.
-Ruth Haley Barton Invitation to Solitude and Silence
as i’ve traversed this mysterious place, respecting my desire enough to keep walking tho still not having found what i’m looking for, a few things have become clear:
–the alter of ‘definition’ is a strong temptation. living in the unexplainable, undefinable mystery is uncomfortable.
–stating clearly expectations for myself during this time has been life giving. my daily docket has 4 items; walk or run, silence, create needed atmosphere in kitchen/living room, be available for my teen girl. it’s not that this is all that happens, it’s that this is where my primary focus is, the bare necessities if you will, giving me a filter for my inner dialog and external opportunities.
–there is power in patience and courage in support.
-being misunderstood remains a constant companion. recognizing where this is a result of my lack and where this is due to another’s issues makes all the difference. God is dealing with me, He can deal with them in His way and His time.
-the process of deep soul work releases art. In this wilderness, while withdrawn from previous work-some projects have begun to take shape. i’ve given them respect and weight, allowing them to exist without clear definitions. Nothing tangible may come, but my soul will be more alive and that alone is worth it.
–help comes just when i need it by the God in heaven who keeps track of the stars. a chance glance at the library leads to a timely book. a small conversation outside the grocery store, an online course or blog post. the bird call that draws me outside for a needed walk. He knows my frame, and tho i daily flounder, He has not left me alone to find my way.
Elijah walked through the emptiness of the desert for forty days and forty nights until he settled into a cave on the side of Mt. Horeb, and there he waited for a visitation from God. He probably had no idea when, if or how anything even remotely meaningful would happen, but he was willing to stay in the wilderness until it did.
-Ruth Haley Barton Invitation to Solitude and Silence
when i entered that building for the first time this year, i was afraid. i hesitated for a long time when the short request came to fill in for a friend. i was afraid that i would self-sabotage my willingness to stay in the wilderness. but i didn’t. i received the warm welcome and responded in kind. i completed the task-and then i left-not seeking to explain my absence or guiltily volunteering to give more. this was an “now I know that you fear God….” moment. revealing the growth that has been happening underground.
for i still haven’t found what i’m looking for.
and i this time it appears i actually am willing to wait here as a true friend to my soul until i do.
Your true friends will be willing to sit with you in silence not for a week, but for as long as it takes. Your real friends will encourage you to keep talking, crying out to, arguing with God. And when you would be tempted to despair and quit the dance floor, saying that you simply lack the strength or the faith to go on, it is only your real friends who will have the love to leave you all alone with the One who desires, above all, to finish the dance with you.
-Michael Card A Sacred Sorrow
to draw further in: Genesis 22-especially vs. 12; 1 Kings 19:1-19; David Crowder’s Let me Feel you Shine; U2’s Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. ; Need to Breathe’s Through Smoke
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