mel – Page 20 – Chasing Joy

Author: mel (page 20 of 22)

Torn

September 27, 2013 / mel

in 4 days i will forget these words (about Rain) to myself. literal rain will fall and fall and fall and roads will wash away and again we will be separated from a community we love. and i will catch a cold and my daughter will catch a cold and we will spend these free days that have come-these days when the schools are closed and all activities are cancelled and tho the road is dry in front of my house, we must stay home. we will spend them sick and with way too much tv and so we are given a gift of rest in a way. while outside deep losses and griefs are occurring. and i will get a phone call that frustrates the hell out of me. the party girl wants cigarettes and she wants me to go get her some. no. i won’t do that. there are so many things on so many levels that are wrong with that. the city is flooding for crying out loud.

and as a result my writing is scattered and my thoughts are disorganized. But in the midst of it all, He still speaks.

outcomes.

these thoughts…. and the old Love and Rockets lyrics play on repeat “these thoughts pin me to the wall” these thoughts of all these outcomes…

but He whispers in the mist/midst of my grieving and my gratitude and my temptations to feel guilt for the gratitude and anger for the grief, and longings deep to be somewhere else, and grief over that too, and not really knowing how i feel because it keeps changing each second. and i just want Jesus to come. back. today. right. now. and be done with all this already.

Still, He whispers:

hope and help

he whispers it through Matthew chapter 1 (really, this is the family tree?? these people??)

he whispers it through Acts 17:26-28 (He determined the exact places where men would live)

(the sticker the National Guard placed on our window of our cabin. Reminder of where we are not living.)

He speaks through these words from Emily and Ann and a friend:

“ You can’t control outcomes – you can only model how to become.”

Am I willing to finally release my perceived right to control every outcome and instead trust the results to God?

“Trust……when the outcome is beyond our ability to predict……that’s the place of trust.”

This tearing, pulling it’s deep within me. i feel pulled. i feel stretched by the outcomes, and lack of them. i feel torn in two and grasping for hope. the rain it refreshes and destroys. and both at the same time only a few miles apart.

Yet Christ promises hope.

He promised it=hope. and in the midst of being torn, he enables to keep going=help.

“For we have no power against this great multitude (of stuff) that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are upon You. My help is in the name of the LORD who made heaven and earth.”

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Rain

September 10, 2013 / mel

she is pulling away
i get a call from her caseworker
and go to check
and she’s dressed for a party
but she opens the door for me
and her tears flow
we sit and read psalm 139
and i give her a hug
but i cannot make her choice.

in another world, a dear sweet one comes to Bible Study
even tho she is feeling old and weak
fighting the cancer within
and tomorrow she will learn what her options are.
and she is hanging on – to Christ’s every Word
and it works
and she is comforted.

i’ve been 20 years now at this Bible Study
this will be my 4^th time through the Book of Matthew
i started out lost. 4 years of His words, i became His
so i know that it works.

whom the Son sets free, will be free indeed.
but it won’t work for some? it will seem like it isn’t working for some.
and what do i do with that?

keep going. just keep going.
because He has said:

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
¹¹So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

oh Lord, our only hope is You.

Only You.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

The First 6 Weeks of School

September 6, 2013 / mel

The First 6 Weeks of School. It’s an old book, used first by my aunt who was a teacher and then passed on to me. I remember the principles set forth, those first 6 weeks establishing routines and how the class will run the rest of the year. The importance of putting in time those first 6 weeks on these seemingly insignificant things so that learning can really take place later on.

i’m transitioning.

and this first week was full of interruptions. and there was no ‘first 6 weeks’ routines established. just lots of tears and pleas and prayers. (and rebellion and complaining; “This is Not what i planned for today!” -to be quite honest)

or maybe……

the routines will come, i will learn this new place and pace.

but the pleas and prayers-nothing insignificant about that-and how necessary it is for the real learning within to take place.

and this new transition brings with it attack on my identity-as change often can. and that still small voice whispered often…..

he entrusted himself to the one who judges justly.

this first week my Teacher/Shepherd has established what remains the same as always:

His word is my comfort

His ear is always available

His judgments are just

His grace all sufficient

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Things i Learned in August

August 30, 2013 / mel

At the end of the month, for the past few months, Emily Freeman has been writing about what she learned and has invited other’s to link up and share what they have learned. This is my first time joining a link up-and i am excited to share!

1. Raisons dance in ginger ale. This one from my son’s 5^th grade science class-there is a scientific explanation having to do with molecules and such. what i don’t know is it has to be ginger ale or if any carbonated beverage will do.

2. Riding bikes to school is a GREAT idea.

3. I will not cry when i drop off my boys the first day of school (which this year happens to be the first day of school outside of home ever for the youngest) because it means that i have some quality time with my freshman who starts school a week later. But i will cry when i drop my daughter off. Because for the first time in 13 years i now have time all alone. i am delighted and sad all at the same time.

4. I can survive walking through hundreds of high school kids eating lunch at the age of 40-much easier than i did at the age of 14!

5. It is possible to have a pilot’s license before you have your driver’s license. Some even set it as their goal to solo for their 16^th birthday. so possibly in 3 years i will be driving my daughter to the airport so that she can pilot me around the sky in an airplane!

6. i will not be able to guess who said this:

“For once you have tasted flight,

You will walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward;

For there you have been,

And there you long to return.”

7. there is a side of Leonardo da Vinci that i never knew. Not only is he who said the above quote, but i learned this about him:

“One of history’s creative geniuses was Leonardo da Vinci; an artist, scientist, and dreamer who was fascinated with flight. He spent countless hours studying the flight of birds and his 15^th century manuscripts contained approximately 160 pages of descriptioins and sketches of flying machines.” -Jeppesen Private Pilot Textbook 2007 p.1-2

8. I will never cease being excited about learning-i will just express it differently now. This is encouraging in the season i am currently in. i have homeschooled each of my children at one point in their lives, but this year all 3 of them will be going somewhere else for school.

9. Sometimes a person is drawn closer to God because i show up. sometimes a person is drawn closer to God because i do not show up. ultimately He gets credit for drawing a person to Himself-and so i can find peace in those moments when i feel His Spirit nudge me to turn off my phone and REST. and when i doubt He gives me this conversation;

me: “i’m sorry i missed your call”

her: “that’s ok, i was struggling (to stay sober) but you didn’t answer so i picked up my Bible and ended up reading the entire book of James, and now all the cravings are gone and i feel much better.

me: i have no idea what i actually said but inside i shouted; “Hallelujah!” glad i didn’t get in the way of that!

10. Gut wrenching, pee your pants laughter with your husband is a GREAT idea too. Netflix and Everybody loves Raymond. Season 6 episode 13 “Tissues”. your welcome.

11. Another facet in the diamond of God’s Grace-His leading . This learning to let go of ‘earning’ (the try hard life as Emily Freeman calls it, or ‘getting it right’ as Larry Crabb would say.) for me it’s layers of enlightenment and new patterns of thinking. This month-today actually -the new layer is related to the Grace of His guidance;

“ Where can I go from your spirit?
    Or where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there;
    if I make my bed in Sheol, you are there.
If I take the wings of the morning
    and settle at the farthest limits of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me fast. psalm 139:7-10

12. And finally-that i can do one of these link ups! It took all of 5 minutes to figure it out thanks to thenester’s practice page!

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Freedom

August 25, 2013 / mel / 0 Comments

We head off to a funeral. the Papa’s life lived leaves room for debate on what really constitutes a life well lived. while in the midst of all the events of the week, i don’t see what is different about us. i only Thank God for the peace that has taken over my heart. attending formal functions can be challenging for us-for anyone with children i suppose-as most children find using forks to be optional and wearing uncomfortable clothes to be stupid.

but upon reflection of this picture i move.

from being thankful for peace in my heart to smile at my son’s chosen activity rather than panic in embarrassment (my more normal pattern).

i move into awareness of his freedom.

“life” my dear friend declares when i show her the picture.

and my vision shifts and i look and i see it too.

life here amongst death.

for him, for us what is different is that there is no fear in death.

we are not afraid of it. he is not afraid of it.

we walk among the graves and comment on the different dates and wonder about the lives lived and losses felt.

but my boy-he moves from there to the next logical place.

joy.

Oh Death where is your victory? oh grave where is your sting?

Death swallowed by triumphant Life!
Who got the last word, oh, Death?
Oh, Death, who’s afraid of you now?

It was sin that made death so frightening and law-code guilt that gave sin its leverage, its destructive power. But now in a single victorious stroke of Life, all three—sin, guilt, death—are gone, the gift of our Master, Jesus Christ. Thank God!

the kids start school on tuesday-the younger two this coming tuesday, the oldest the folowing tuesday. hence the long delays between posts! thank you for grace.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Considering

July 23, 2013 / mel

the yellow ring around the toilet bowl is disgusting so i shut the lid and wash my hands of it. maybe tomorrow.

yesterday was spent on someone else’s needs.

and today the last one to catch the bug woke up with it.

and soreness from the fall yesterday while jogging with our Lady combines with fatigue from monthly hormones and i still can’t get out of my jammies.

thinking of how much to cancel today

thinking on and thinking on and thinking on the wretched state of this heart

out the window the sun still shines and the birds still sing

choices

i have choices to make today

what will they be?

and who will really be the push behind them?

can i claim any ownership?

for the ability to pick up one foot and place it in front of the other and head outside?

or for the hymn that pandora picks, the one that closes these eyes and brings deep breaths and tears of being loved so.
prone to wander, Lord i feel it

the Work He does is amazing and the part i play is small.

and it’s unfair that i get to watch at all, with all the stomping and ranting i do deep within
– me, me, but what about ME?

-do i see today as a rest day-because Lord knows the work tomorrow will hold?

-do i see others as an assignment? or do i see them as a gift…to uproot me?

-do i see my children and their illnesses as an interruption? as a curse? or as a gift…too, to uproot more of me?

considering the lilies today and how He clothes them . they grow without toil or spinning.

if this uprooting of me continues, won’t the Designer Himself take root in my place?

do Your work my Master Gardener

uproot away

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Holding On

June 14, 2013 / mel

the tears drip down

i’m lost for words and how to process what i have seen today.

been taking a fellow to work this week. after dropping my kids off at VBS, i’d head over to the hotel where he and his pregnant wife and 2 kids are living.

they have exhausted the resources of this city. there are programs here. they were in one.

but sometimes a person’s brokenness keeps them from real help.

and so i drive. there is always some fishing (for money) going on, but i am good and don’t bite. this is love. this is hard. this is boundaries. this is me in constant prayer seeking the Spirit who knows all things to tell me how to step left and right and dance this dance.

today it was driving pregnant mama and 2 kids and a couple of errands. the conversations had been difficult, God had been faithful. we drive in to the hotel. there are many out of their rooms. i look over and i see….

a man

carrying a woman

who is not breathing.

and i pull in and fumble for my phone to call 911 and wonder if i remember anything from cpr 25 + years ago. the fire truck arrives quickly. (before i need to find out about the cpr thing)

and i see. them. all.

i see the single mom of 4 who lives next to this family i know.

the family with the baby

the young girl

the tattooed man

the crowd gathered around

the fire dept, ambulance, police.

the darkness engulfing the entire place.

the woman breathing again taken

and the mom i know goes in her room, shuts the door, and

i go home.

and have to try to figure out how to parent these sinners here and nobody wants to clean their room

and i am the chief of them

but we have light.

we live in light.

and i can’t shake the vision of the darkness.

and i can’t stop weeping for them.

and asking why….why have i been given this gift of light.

and why won’t they take it?

and oh, that woman, the unnamed woman. what brought her to the place of no breath in a run down hotel.

and You, the God who sees all things. Who died for love of her, who has gone to great lengths for her, who continues to love her, how You must grieve.

this earth it is groaning. i am groaning.

i have been studying the book of Colossians and so longed to write about all that i am learning.

but today, others are able to write and encourage and so instead i’ll just point to them.

for we all have need of endurance, and encouragement, and reminders of what is true.

**~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~**

~Emily over at Chatting at the Sky and her post on what 100 lifeguards taught her about her calling.

~Jon Bloom’s guest post over at Ann Voskamp’s blog titled Don’t Give Up.

~and Sara Groves singing;

Christ is Reigning on His Throne

hold on

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

content

May 28, 2013 / mel

i was at home in the city getting ready for a trip to the mountains. reading this and struck speechless with the thought of the gift of the Holy Spirit. the security in being sealed by Him. had there been time to write-i would have wrote about it.

we made the lists, gathered the necessities. and left.

left chaos behind.

chaos of the mess in our house, the messiness of relationships here and the messiness brought forth from our own hearts.

which is why the gift of the constancy of the Holy Spirit living in me renders me struck dumb… and joyfully grateful.

the road to the cabin winds and my breathing begins to slow.

we have rest there.

i forgot that for a while amidst the work there.*

the rest of friendship and being understood.

the rest of quiet.

the rest of beauty-even with the burnt trees that we need to cut down, there is beauty.

children occupied for hours requiring nothing from me.

rising with the sun is natural here.

and i journaled this:

in Your Presence is fullness of joy…..
                Oh Mighty One, teach me how to live in awareness of Your Presence constant and consistently

…watching my boys build….God You have a path for my children, and You have chosen this dual life for them (city/country)

                and today

                                i am content.

*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Wonderstruck, chapter 2 p.37:

“The winding dusty path from Egypt to the promised land proves to be far more than a much needed shift in geography or transition from slavery to liberation; the great exodus is a journey in discovering the presende of God anew.

                Abounding love.
                                Generous provision.
                                                Exceptional patience.
                                                                Miraculous power.”

Oh My Father, i long to discover this Presence anew–
                                here at the cabin
                                                and
back in town.

*~~~~~*~~~~~*

and then we came home.

plugged my phone in, charged it up and connected it to the world again.

began to put things back in order

and there is this;

a phone call left early that morning. something ‘important’ (translate- a need of some sort, the needs here are so great…and so complicated)

and i sit and weep a bit inside.

and pray.

that the Overseer of my very soul, that Great Shepherd of the sheep.

would come and deal with me.

so i can yet again love them.

and be content.

*there’s this whole back-story…this our intended home damaged by wind and then fire. these 10+years of ‘building’ later we have a cabin. no utilities. nothing finished. but the roof keeps the rain and snow out and the windows and door keep out the wind. We work on it when we can.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

being still and grieving while “the whole creation is groaning”

May 22, 2013 / mel

last week a child at my daughter’s school passed away. Sunday we received news that big Papa has cancer….it’s in the lymph nodes. the prognosis is months to live. 2 years ago fire raged through our land at hurricane force. our dear friends and neighbors lost their house. we lost our cabin. last year fire returned and took the rest of the community. Tuesday tornados in Oklahoma. 2 elementary schools. last year floods and tornados and all those waves and water on the East Coast.

the point of all this recapping is this.

grief.

grieve.

oh Christians, grieve.

there are no answers, no platitudes for times like these. verses like Romans 8:28, yes it’s true. but when you are standing in the rubble of what used to be your neighborhood…..its not the time for that.

its time for quiet prayers of strengthening of the inner man. time for standing beside, holding and weeping together. letting the wailing come. for giving blankets and socks and tea. for listening without drawing conclusions about a person’s faith…or lack of it. and certainly no conclusions about what God is doing or saying. oh from one who has grieved-i implore you-none of that.

“Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said: Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? ….. Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand…..”

**~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~**

there is this book. its quite an old book written by one who had seen great sufferring, and was experiecing her own personal sufferring. it has brought me great comfort as it is not a book written ‘from the well to the ill and so misses the mark.’

**~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~**

when i rode in the ambulance holding my 8 month old son….sat outside the door where my husband was inside helping to hold him down while they desperately tried to get the life-saving IV in him. hearing his cries of deep pain as they kept sticking the needle in again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again. 11 tries. hours of trying. there were no answers. the prayers of faith pleading for the one who controls the seas to guide the doctors hand…. left unanswered….no, left answered with; “no.” i did believe He could. i did believe He would. He didn’t. why must a little one suffer so? why must his mother suffer so? if he is going to die, get it over with already, why this agony? oh those hours took me so many places. questions and accusations. confusions. he lived. the questions have never been answered. (just new ones-like ‘why did he get to live?’) but they have been stilled. it has been a journey-and the Lord who knows the number of hairs on my head is the One who knows how to still me. Amy’s words: “Thy calvery stills my questions. a love that loves like THAT can be trusted with THIS.” its not a place of answers, but of trusting that His love was proved at Calvary, and even this is not able to disprove it-though it tries hard.

if God hasn’t given an answer, lets not make one up for him. let us rest in His love proven. let us hold on to His goodness for those who cannot right now. let us not fear the journey. the questions. the absence of answers.

let us pray.

let us PRAY.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Hope Vinegar

April 17, 2013 / mel

this house. it’s dust filled crevices and too much spewing out of everywhere. i sweep and sweep and still, who could tell? the sink shines up and sets a good tone for a moment. if only for a moment. and in the endless sweeping and washing of peed in clothes and sheets….i ponder.

this house is my heart. it shines up nice and presents itself at times for the world. but the stench of exhaustion spews out and stains everything and everyone it comes in contact with. vinegar works every time-in the tangible mess of sheets. but what is the vinegar for my heart? what will take this stench away? both from me and those i’ve wrecked?

and i read Genesis-the entire book. and it’s full of families. families. that. are. a. complete. mess.
sons who murder, fathers who abandon. love so fractured that it poisons instead of nourishes.

and i see me there. and i see my own parents there. and i fear to see my children there.

i’ve been taught to ask-what does this text tell me about me? about God?

………………………….

God comes down. He preserves what we try to destroy. He rescues what we murder. He restores what we’ve torn apart. He shows grace-sometimes it feels even offensive-this grace. (duh. grace IS offensive.)

but more than anything else these family portraits of Genesis tell me that

He. is. Powerful.

Almighty, Mighty, Powerful God.

the God of Abraham=God who declares righteous by faith

the God of Isaac=God who provides the lamb

the God of Jacob=God who stays with His sinful people-wherever they go and who fills that heart hole (“bless me!”) to those clinging in utter weakness. the God who wounds to heal.

the God of me=God who never lets go and is powerful enough to overcome…..it. all.

all the wrecking i’ve done, the messes i’ve made, the sin i’ve lived each day with this brood who shares this place of no hiding.

i have never wanted to wound, these ones i love so much it hurts. but wound i do. and sin. and they do it too. there is no formula to make us immune-no vaccine that we can take to stop the poison.

But God.

He stops it.

personally.

specifically.

lovingly.

Powerfully.

dare i admit that sometimes i feel like giving up? both in the washing of the sheets and the washing of my heart?

But God.

He comes and He stops up the poison, and He bandages up the wounds, and He gives strength to say i am sorry and will you forgive me and i love you. He keeps working out His plan for me….and for them.

He overcomes powerfully.

and we keep at this family thing.

i keep at this parenting thing.

because He is helping me to believe

He is God Almighty

El Elohe Israel

Mighty is the God of Israel.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Author: mel (page 20 of 22)

Torn

Rain

The First 6 Weeks of School

Things i Learned in August

Freedom

Considering

Holding On

content

being still and grieving while “the whole creation is groaning”

Hope Vinegar

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