i hear my Savior say
thy strength indeed is small.
child of weakness watch and pray,
find in Me, thine all in all

This is part of a 31 day series on prayer.  to see all of the posts in this series, click the image above. 

Moses stands before Pharaoh and does exactly what God told him to do.  Pharaoh in turn brings more oppression onto his slaves-Moses’ people the Israelites.  They yell at Moses and tell him it’s all his fault.

Moses returned to the LORD and said, “O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people?  Is this why you sent me?  Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people and you have not rescued your people at all.”

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Now you will see what I will do…. Therefore, say to the Israelites:  I will free you….I will redeem you….I will take you as My own….I will be your God….I will bring you to the land….then you will know that I am the LORD your God.”

Things are not going well, or even as expected for Moses.  He questions God with an open heart so God can speak to him.  i learn from Moses that prayer is an open heart dialog.  i learn from Moses that prayer is connecting honestly with the One who understands both my emotions and what He is doing in the world.  i learn from Moses that i need to be taught and who better to go to for learning than the One who knows everything!

i learn form Moses to take all of my questions and confusion and struggle straight to the One who is my Great Shepherd.  He may answer my questions, or He may move me to a place of Trust without having any answers.  Either way, i am helped along in my discouragement.

today i leave Moses asking myself a question;

How is my current fog enabling me to know that He is the Lord my God?

to draw further in:  Exodus chapters 5 and 6

when my hand in my Father’s was small….

i would sing to Him and talk with Him and read His words with a skip in my step.  I didn’t make lists of prayers, half the time i didn’t even think about praying.  i’d say grace at dinner and good morning and goodnight.  we were just getting to know each other, Him and i, and life was somewhat predictable and small, yet big all at the same time.  my firstborn and i would sing together and pray together.  i’d ask Him for help on the hard days-and there were hard days, and every time i’d ask for help-He’d help me.

when my hand in my Father’s began to grow, and my wonder was as a child….

i’d wait with eager anticipation for the e-mail to arrive in my inbox each week with prayer requests from Voice of the Martyrs.   I’d print it off and add it to my stack of newsletters from various missionaries i’d come to know.  I’d gather these up along with my 12 cent spiral notebook containing notes about those i love along with a characteristic of my Lord that i was focusing on at the time.  And I’d meet with my Father and we’d talk about it all.  Those times with my Father were so sweet.  There were still plenty of hard days to seek His help with.  and every time i’d ask for help, He’d help me.

but i’m a teenager now i think-at least as it relates to this thing called prayer.

i still receive the e-mails and newsletters and i’ve discovered a new source for adoration.  but there is not a spring in my step anymore, and meeting with the Lord feels more like trudging through muck each step picking up even more heavy mud.  i don’t gather anything up anymore and that 12 cent notebook hasn’t been written in for years.

i’ve seen some things since those early days.  mission organizations that aren’t doing what they claimed to do.  earnest prayers for the persecuted-yet persecution seems to be increasing.  loved ones falling deeper and deeper away and hope for anything else wanes.  battles with health that seem to get worse and not better.

in teenager-esque fashion , now i come-trudging those heavy feet along-and sit with more questions than answers.

what is prayer anyway?

doesn’t the Sovereign, all Knowing One, know what is happening without me telling Him?

isn’t the Great Shephard’s work in another’s life all Grace-and independent of anything i do?

who am i to tell the One who names the stars how to run the universe? (see also job 38-42)

in the world that is beyond my sight, where satan battles for the hearts of Your beloved’s, what is really going on when i pray?

and what do i pray for anyway?  i don’t ever really know what the best outcome of a situation would be.  i see knowing You as far more valuable than relief-but i’ve no clue what that looks like for another’s whose heart only You know.

questions and questions and questions.  Sometimes my All Sufficient One will answer my questions over a period of time, other times He moves me to trust Him without any answers.  yet, one thing remains constant.

every time i ask for help…He helps me.

Recently i wrote about how i spoke with God about how i couldn’t pray.  i was well aware at the time at the seeming contraction with that statement.  i mean, i can’t count how many times i declared with all authority to a herd of preschoolers;

“Prayer is talking with God”

but i didn’t change it because that is precisely what happened.  i have spent many a time talking with God about how i’m having trouble talking with Him.

one evening i found myself at church alone so i decided to slip into the prayer room. maybe without the distractions that surround me at home prayer will come?  i don’t remember now what happened with that, but i do remember looking around at the books and stumbled upon The Believer’s Prayer Life by Andrew Murray.  i’ve been walking through it slowly and gaining some insights into this battlefield that i’m on.  one such insight is this one:

How does Satan hinder prayer?  By temptation to postpone or curtail it, by bringing in wandering thoughts and all sorts of distractions, through unbelief and hopelessness.  Happy is the prayer hero who, through all, takes care to hold fast and use his weapon…..After naming all the other parts of the armor, Paul adds:

“With all prayer and supplication in the Spirit” (Eph 6:18)

Without prayer, the helmet of Salvation, the shield of faith and the Sword of the Spirit, which is God’s Word, have no power.  All depends on prayer.  God teach us to believe and hold fast!

these words reinforce what i already believe.  Prayer is vital.  and it reminds me that there is a real enemy who has years of battle experience.

i am striving to hold fast

and begging the One with the stronger grip to hold fast to me.

  i sit in my room with my palms lifted up and i’ve got nothing. i just sit. i sigh. i stare into space. Lord, i pray, i don’t understand this….this emptiness that i feel when i come to meet with You. i open up the psalms and speak them back, that has so often worked in the past. but i still feel dry, the words taste chalky in my mouth and i find myself so very thirsty. eventually i give up and go do the dishes. my heart’s groaning that i can’t find words to wrap around lift to the One who is Present constant, and He hears. i know that He hears and can translate my dry desert pleas. i move out and about in the day-seeking to be aware of His nearness. and i am a bit, even tho i don’t feel it.

i am frustrated. confused. i find prayer to be mysterious and i don’t understand it or myself these days. i’ve been in this place for quite some time now, moving into the struggle seeking understanding…. seeking relief. i’ve been diligent and hungry. i’ve been lazy and indifferent. and so, it seemed fitting to wrestle this all out via the 31 days writing challenge.

i honestly don’t know how it will go, but i do know that i want growth in this area. you too? please, then come along with me. Each day a new post will appear-some may come in the morning, other’s will slip in just before midnight-it just depends on the day!  As the month moves along you can visit this page to see all of the posts listed in one place.