it was a difficult week. serving ones perceived ungrateful-but in all actuality-hurt.
before i was given the privilage to actually understand, i wanted out. i questioned-why are we doing this? what is the point? it is not that i expect a certain appreciation for our ‘work’, or even to have some ‘100 fold fruit’. but what i do expect is that our ‘work’ will not enable. will not contribute to satan’s work in their lives. and i haven’t always been sure. so when it appears that the people we are serving–are ungrateful, it makes me think they aren’t being helped by my kindness (sometimes helping actually hurts)-and maybe we have made things too comfortable. maybe what is needed is a reality check.
but when what is actually happening is hurt–that is different. kindness and comfort are just what is called for when hurt, isn’t it?
again i remember-i prayed before, during. my responses and interactions were prayed over. but i don’t trust it still. and in Your kindness-right at the very end-You grant understanding. and i see–the response was actually what was needed. and i remember to stop doubting and believe. what i don’t know…. is what it is You are communicating….how it is Your Spirit is translating….what good You are bringing about by my perceived failure. and really-where was i when You laid the foundations of the earth? (translated-Jesus doesn’t’ owe me insight or understanding-it’s grace that He gives it at all)
forward a couple of weeks. a conversation comes on the craziest of days. one i’m not prepared for and have no time for. i speak into a heart who knows You not. i shoot up prayers of help in the conversation and the words-they just come. and again i doubt. was that portion* of the gospel what was really needed? did the truth break through or did i just muddy the waters and enable this one to continue on the path apart from You? conversation over, moving on into the tasks of this crazy/craziest day. pleading, pleading in the car for You to break through. will you give me insight this time to see that it was what was needed? probably not. but will i remember once again to trust? trust that You are communicating-Your Spirit is translating?
*for it seems most often it’s pieces of the gospel handed out one morsel at a time….
what is it that i really want? am i still not free from the chains of ‘getting it right?’ the chains of forgetting Who. You. Are. that Who. You. Are. is sufficient-for their needs and mine?
i take a “walk break”. a day comes that affords me some quiet. and i sit. in. Your. Presence.
words pierce through-pierce through the fog that is threatening to engulf me. today i am giving into it….sort of. letting it come. shutting the door. sitting before the One who gave all for love of me. reading and reading and reading. but it is all just blurred and jumbled in the fog. still tired….exhausted really. still under pressure, far beyond my ability. and guilt for even thinking that in light of pressure that exists elsewhere. ….and loss of joy. joy engulfed in this fog, i grasp for it.
until the piercing words.
“therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart…..and even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing….but we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us….”
taking this ‘one minute walk amidst of the 3 minute run’. it’s restoring the joy. restoring the freedom that comes when i remember; being this cracked pot that i am shows that the all-surpassing power is from God and not me.
for when my heart is overwhelmed within-He leads me to the Rock that is higher than i. that Rock who laid the foundations of the earth.