Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress,
and for their children it will be a refuge.
the door slams and i start washing the dishes. the tension is thick and i think to myself, no one is feeling very safe or very loved right now. how can a fortress provide refuge if the battle is inside its walls?
i stew in all the ways that i am right and have been offended. as is often the case with these dishes of mine, the Spirit begins to stir within and i’m told to pursue. to seek out. to walk the path to where she is hiding out. and i’m reminded of all that i do not know and all that i long for our home to provide to it’s inhabitants and all the ways it doesn’t.
and so i walk the path and do not expect the tears i find. we walk the path back together with dad (who is so logical and steady) and talk it all through and at the end we have come to understand each other (related to this particular issue anyway) and it makes all the difference.
i too am hiding away in my pain and grief related to this season and all the ways we’ve failed eachother. and He pursues. He walks the path towards me and together, my Steady One and i talk it all through…..
i’ve attempted all the things, but all the things appear to be no match for the wounds from without or the wounds from my own sins. my misjudgments (read misunderstandings), my leanancy when strictness was called for and my strictness when tender mercy was called for.
You have said i’ve been redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to me from my forefathers. -1peter 1:18
and i resolved not to hand down an empty way of life to my kids. but deep within i fear that is the very thing i’ve handed down. which leads me to wonder;
what is it that makes a life empty?
what is it that makes a life full?
it is not perishable things that redeem, it is only the blood of Jesus and i too am helpless in the handing of that down…..except for a demonstration of my own neediness for it, of our neediness for it.
this is what these teen years have been revealing to me-the wounds have not been covered by all the things, even the good and obedient things. they can only be covered by Christ’s blood.
oh Father, that she would…..that we all would …feel safe and feel loved…
……and i begin to understand the One who Pursues. …and this One who Pursues provides understanding.
days later we’re all crammed together working at this workhorse of a kitchen table. with papers strewn between us, this Pursuing One breathes hope and i am overcome with perplexity and gratitude. in this moment, amidst this mundane, she grasps my true heart towards her and speaks it forth. in her words, i grasp her true heart towards mine and my heart swells with the joy found amidst papers and assignments and drudgery.
oh my Lord-
i have beheld Your Glory.