she is pulling away
     i get a call from her caseworker
            and go to check
and she’s dressed for a party
     but she opens the door for me
            and her tears flow
we sit and read psalm 139
     and i give her a hug
             but i cannot make her choice.

in another world, a dear sweet one comes to  Bible Study
     even tho she is feeling old and weak
            fighting the cancer within
and tomorrow she will learn what her options are.
               and she is hanging on – to Christ’s every Word
                               and it works
and she is comforted.

i’ve been 20 years now at this Bible Study
     this will be my 4^th time through the Book of Matthew
            i started out lost.  4 years of His words, i became His
so i know that it works.

whom the Son sets free, will be free indeed.
          but it won’t work for some?  it will seem like it isn’t working for some.
               and what do i do with that?

keep going.  just keep going. 
     because He has said: 

“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
¹¹ So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

oh Lord, our only hope is You. 

Only You.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:23

this house. it’s dust filled crevices and too much spewing out of everywhere.  i sweep and sweep and still, who could tell?  the sink shines up and sets a good tone for a moment. if only for a moment.  and in the endless sweeping and washing of peed in clothes and sheets….i ponder.

this house is my heart.  it shines up nice and presents itself at times for the world.  but the stench of exhaustion spews out and stains everything and everyone it comes in contact with.  vinegar works every time-in the tangible mess of sheets. but what is the vinegar for my heart?  what will take this stench away?  both from me and those i’ve wrecked? 

and i read Genesis-the entire book.  and it’s full of families.  families. that. are. a. complete. mess. 
sons who murder, fathers who abandon.  love so fractured that it poisons instead of nourishes. 

and i see me there.  and i see my own parents there.  and i fear to see my children there. 

i’ve been taught to ask-what does this text tell me about me?  about God?

………………………….

God comes down.  He preserves what we try to destroy.  He rescues what we murder.  He restores what we’ve torn apart.  He shows grace-sometimes it feels even offensive-this grace.  (duh. grace IS offensive.)

but more than anything else these family portraits of Genesis tell me that

 He. is. Powerful.

Almighty, Mighty, Powerful God.

the God of Abraham=God who declares righteous by faith

the God of Isaac=God who provides the lamb

the God of Jacob=God who stays with His sinful people-wherever they go and who fills that heart hole (“bless me!”) to those clinging in utter weakness.  the God who wounds to heal.

the God of me=God who never lets go and is powerful enough to overcome…..it. all.

all the wrecking i’ve done, the messes i’ve made, the sin i’ve lived each day with this brood who shares this place of no hiding. 

i have never wanted to wound, these ones i love so much it hurts.  but wound i do.  and sin. and they do it too.  there is no formula to make us immune-no vaccine that we can take to stop the poison.

But God.

He stops it.

personally.

specifically.

lovingly.

Powerfully.

dare i admit that sometimes i feel like giving up?  both in the washing of the sheets and the washing of my heart?

But God. 

He comes and He stops up the poison, and He bandages up the wounds, and He gives strength to say i am sorry and will you forgive me and i love you.  He keeps working out His plan for me….and for them.

He overcomes powerfully.

 and we keep at this family thing. 

i keep at this parenting thing.

because He is helping me to believe

He is God Almighty

El Elohe Israel

Mighty is the God of Israel.

ok, so i didn’t know this would be a series….i didn’t know the interlude posts would be one either. 

it is just like Jesus, to answer my questions/prayers this way.  daily and over time.

today, i didn’t know the kids would pick C.S. Lewis’ The Silver Chair to listen to (via FOTF’s Radio Theatre)  (are you catching the theme of how much i just don’t know??)

The Silver Chair is my most favorite.  for me-the most hope building. 

Jill makes so many mistakes.  from the very beginning-mistake!  absolutely, her journeys would be easier without all these mistakes.  yet the beauty of it is that Aslan helps her along the way anyway.  and his help is all the more precious partnered with the mistakes. 

every time i listen to this one, hope builds.  principles of the realities of life shine.  gems like…

Jill: “I bet we sleep well tonight.”

Narrator “Which just shows how little anyone knows what is going to happen to them next”

so if you are in need of a burst of hope-pick up The Silver Chair for a good read (or listen).  actually, if i think about it, i’d say pick up any of the 7 books.  For there are treasures in all of them, and maybe the gem you need is in a different one? 

and in those treasures… hope to keep going builds.

what is interesting to me these last days is that just as hope begins to build, something happens to re-enforce the ‘logic’ in giving up.  the weight of impossibility threatens to engulf.

i feel like i’m on a see-saw.

Yet, like Aslan and Jill…..

Jesus keeps bringing His help along the way.

and it is all the more precious partnered with my desperate need for it.  

reflecting on yesterday’s post, it reads a bit more pollyanna than i intended.

you see, He’s taken me far with grasping His deep deep love for me.  Amy Carmichael’s words; (found in her book; “Rose from Briar”) “Thy Calvary stills all my questions” applies to my questions about His love.  He proved it-He settled it.

but my hope issues of late, they’ve been related to His power, not His love. 

Amy once wrote in one of her books about a dream.  people were stumbling over the edge of a cliff to their death.  where there were Christians linked in arm at the edge of the cliff, the people were being stopped.  but where there were holes in the chains, the people were stumbling over. 

Emily Freeman wrote recently about lifeguards.  

it’s so freeing to recognize that i have been assigned only a portion of the pool….or the cliff.

but what i’ve forgotten is that if the people in my world step over me-or get out of the pool and go home, Jesus is bigger than all of that.

this was me….

The whole head is sick
And the whole heart is faint.
From the sole of the foot even to the head
There is nothing sound in it,
Only bruises, welts and raw wounds,
Not pressed out or bandaged,
Nor softened with oil.  (Isaiah 1)

Jesus plucked me out.  He did it.  He bound and healed my wounds, soothed them with Himself.  He’s broken patterns of thinking and living.  and He’s teaching me all about joy.

but what about when the ones i love dearly, they want none of it?  they remain with their bruises, welts and raw wounds….refusing bandages and the soothing oil of the Father?

i begin to feel like satan is winning.  and that sucks away my hope.  i forget Jesus’ power. 

then my pastor shared this story-it’s just a story, (i can’t tell if it’s true- there is a real painting, but no matter-the point is what i needed either way.)  …and it struck again to the question i’ve been asking even tho i hadn’t formed it into words.

the painting shows satan as the winner-checkmate.  the man-lost and desparing.  the way Gary told it; upon further study a man declared; “It’s a lie!  the king and the knight still have moves left!” 

the winner is Christ.  and He still has moves left.  in the lives of those i love-He still has moves left.  they may or may not involve me.  i may or may not get to see them.  but no matter.  i just needed to remember…..

the hope of His calling

His incomparably great power for us who believe.  That power is like the working of His mighty strength, which He exerted in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand….  (ephesians 1)

it feels quite foolish, shameful even to have lost sight of how mighty my God is.  but it’s the truth, i did.

the grief over the losses is still there.  but grief with hope is quite a different thing than grief without hope.  He grieves too. 

He rescued me.  He continues to rescue me.  it is not hopeless.

thank you Mighty God.

He came to bind up the brokenhearted, bring good news to the poor, release captives from prison, to soothe wounds with the oil of joy in place of mourning.  (isaiah 61) His resurrection proves that His ways of doing this are victorious.   

There is hope. Christ still has moves left.

He indeed has risen.  that is His best move ever!

grieving over all who are missing it.  who don’t have it.  and struggling myself to hold on to it.

that’s how this day started.

and then.

Since Christ is risen…..

Hope!

His death proves His love, His resurrection proves His power. 

if He can conquer death…..

Hope!

Corrie Ten Boom learned that there is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.

and Emily over at chattingatthesky put it this way: 

‘the companionship of Jesus goes deeper still.”

ahh….Hope!

He whisper’s to my heart; “I Know….it. all. I’ve still got more moves* left.”

(*thinking of chess/checkmate)

This is not the end.  it’s lifting…. growing…. returning…..

Glorious Hope

they all walked away. consumed with grief.

and hope?  it vanished. 

he is dead.  we had hoped. 

i sat there this year at our tenebrae service and i could not help but remember last year.  last year i had sat with 3 people i had only known for 5 days.  we had given food and shelter to others for that week, but these 3-something different was happening.  these came to the service.  and then spent 2 hours following the service asking me questions, and i opened up the scriptures and talked and listened. and went to bed amazed at what i just watched God do….with this vessel that is me. amazed that He allowed me to participate.  and then spent this past year pouring out my heart, my life, my love.  hoping they. would. know. Him.

last night i sat there and the seats next to me were empty.  these 3-they chose not to return to this place.  i had hoped.

Jesus.  he spent 3 years with those 12. opening up the scriptures. explaining. pouring out his heart, his life, his love.  hoping they. would. know. Him.

today is the day of sitting in this place of hope deferred.  feeling it. grieving.

 i know, i know there is the rest of the story.  but i don’t want to go there yet.  i want to stay in this place for a while. ponder. reflect.

the psalms say something like this; “hope deferred makes the heart sick”

the truth is, my heart has been growing in this sickness for a while.  those 3 aren’t the only ones for whom ‘i had hoped.’  there are more, and i am one of them. 

i read the other day on flowerpatchfarmgirl’s blog about wonder. 

i think this heart sickness is related to a loss of wonder. 

and i have asked for its return.

sitting here in this place, its my Emmaus road.  i’m walking it with my risen Lord, but i’m blind like those disciples.  i don’t know that by tomorrow’s celebration of the rest of the story i will have moved on or not.  i just know for today. (this day bewteen friday and sunday)

he is dead. i had hoped.

Christ came to them in that place.  He met them there.

Please come and open my eyes to Your Wonder……

….right here with empty seats.