hope – Page 4 – Chasing Joy

Category: hope (page 4 of 5)

for understanding | pursuit

December 2, 2014 / mel

Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress,
and for their children it will be a refuge.

the door slams and i start washing the dishes. the tension is thick and i think to myself, no one is feeling very safe or very loved right now. how can a fortress provide refuge if the battle is inside its walls?

i stew in all the ways that i am right and have been offended. as is often the case with these dishes of mine, the Spirit begins to stir within and i’m told to pursue. to seek out. to walk the path to where she is hiding out. and i’m reminded of all that i do not know and all that i long for our home to provide to it’s inhabitants and all the ways it doesn’t.

and so i walk the path and do not expect the tears i find. we walk the path back together with dad (who is so logical and steady) and talk it all through and at the end we have come to understand each other (related to this particular issue anyway) and it makes all the difference.

i too am hiding away in my pain and grief related to this season and all the ways we’ve failed eachother. and He pursues. He walks the path towards me and together, my Steady One and i talk it all through…..

i’ve attempted all the things, but all the things appear to be no match for the wounds from without or the wounds from my own sins. my misjudgments (read misunderstandings), my leanancy when strictness was called for and my strictness when tender mercy was called for.

You have said i’ve been redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to me from my forefathers. -1peter 1:18

and i resolved not to hand down an empty way of life to my kids. but deep within i fear that is the very thing i’ve handed down. which leads me to wonder;

what is it that makes a life empty?
what is it that makes a life full?

it is not perishable things that redeem, it is only the blood of Jesus and i too am helpless in the handing of that down…..except for a demonstration of my own neediness for it, of our neediness for it.

this is what these teen years have been revealing to me-the wounds have not been covered by all the things, even the good and obedient things. they can only be covered by Christ’s blood.

oh Father, that she would…..that we all would …feel safe and feel loved…

in You.

……and i begin to understand the One who Pursues. …and this One who Pursues provides understanding.

days later we’re all crammed together working at this workhorse of a kitchen table. with papers strewn between us, this Pursuing One breathes hope and i am overcome with perplexity and gratitude. in this moment, amidst this mundane, she grasps my true heart towards her and speaks it forth. in her words, i grasp her true heart towards mine and my heart swells with the joy found amidst papers and assignments and drudgery.

oh my Lord-

i have beheld Your Glory.

Winnie-the-Pooh and Inner Joy

November 7, 2014 / mel

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder and as part of his therapy we have used The Engine Program. He has three different engine possibilities and for the sake of understanding we labeled them; Tigger (high), Pooh (perfect), Eeyore (low). His engine is not the same as his emotions-it’s part of his processing of the world. If his engine is Pooh, he can deal with sadness and disappointment in a healthy, typical way. If his engine is Eeyore, however, that same sadness or disappointment would crush him, in fact anything and everything crushes him when his Engine is Eeyore. It’s hard to put words around it, but we all who have witnessed these different ‘Engines’ understand. So we do check-in’s regularly and prescribe appropriate therapies to return to a Pooh level if needed. and those seasons that find him bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, not able to regulate-those require a diligent daily Sensory Diet until he is able to maintain that Pooh level again. Another thing to note here is that the therapies always have a delayed effectiveness-i have never found it to be immediate.

I like Pooh, I have ever since I was a little girl…..i interrupt this post to bring you a brief reminder on how wonderful the Pooh stories are…..

It was a drowsy summer afternoon, and the Forest was full of gentle sounds, which all seemed to be saying to Pooh, “Don’t listen to Rabbit, listen to me.” So he got into a comfortable position for not listening to Rabbit…..

–In Which Tigger is Unbounced by A. A. Milne

moving on….

bird

I’ve been studying the beginnings of Israel’s wilderness wanderings. Growing in understanding of Who the Lover of my soul is, and the truth that He is my only Hope, my only Security. Knowing that the more i grasp the truth of this, the more i am free to enjoy the withering grass and fading flowers. Freed from the requirement of comforts in order to experience JOY. Enjoying a thing vs. being enslaved by a thing -oh it is truly for freedom that He Has Come.

Hpim1093

With those thoughts percolating for a few weeks, on Sunday I find myself listening to wisdom from Solomon. and among the nuggets of truth, these words are read aloud and i catch my breath.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

-2 Corinthians 4:7-10

This is what it means for me, a Christian-to have an Engine that is Pooh!

those years of therapies culminate for me on this day into a real object lesson that i can grasp.

when my Engine is Pooh, i possess an inner joy and inner strength. and i can be hard pressed, but not crushed, perplexed, but not abandoned. But when i’m bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, i need a ‘daily sensory diet’ to get my Engine regulated. The effectiveness isn’t always immediate for me either. this Engine is still a bit of an unpredictable mystery even after all these years. but consistent and daily therapies do produce results. Over time i’m given Power to Grasp, and that Freedom that truly sets me free. and my Engine maintains at Pooh on a more regular basis.

and when it doesn’t i meditate on words like these:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power…in this You greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

-1 Peter 1:3-9

To draw further in; Exodus 19 and 20, slowing down especially on 19:3-13; 1 Kings 3:7-10; 11:1-6; Ecclesiastes 11-12

breathing among the papyrus reeds

September 7, 2014 / mel

Then [Moses’ mother] placed the child among the papyrus reeds along the bank of the Nile. His sister stood at a distance to see what would happen to him.

Then Pharaoh’s daughter went down to the Nile to bathe. She saw the basket among the reeds and sent her slave girl to get it. -exodus 2

at the last minute we decide to walk to school. i place a ball cap on my head, grab my phone and off we go. i decide that walking is nicer than driving and we talk more than when on the bike. i walk him all the way to the playground give him a hug and off he bounds for another day of 4th grade.

i see a friend that i can’t recall ever seeing in the morning before school. she looks at me and says;

i know why you are here. God brought you here on purpose. He knew exactly what i needed today.

on a fluke, she had walked around the building with her 4th grader too.

did you catch there what i did? i called it a fluke. but it was no fluke.

all the disciplines have been a fight lately. i fight to pray. i sit with my Bible in my lap and my eyes blur and the words are still and dead and stagnate. so i talk with Him about it. and i ask for help. but day after day i find it the same. one day last week the words became alive again and in my joy i shared it all here. i thought maybe the dry season had ended and the rainy season had begun. but the fight returned and it’s been more of the same.

we sip tea together and talk of the deep heart issues. His Word springs forth and quenches as only It can. and i am left to marvel at the words that come and the Truths that we embrace together. i share a little of this marveling especially in relation to how things have felt this summer. and she says;

it’s because it’s in you. His Word is in you.

i’m entering a different place of trust here….always another place of trust.

what she said is true in its way. He has promised that just as the rain waters the earth, so do His Words that go out from His mouth, accomplishing what He intended. He has also said that streams of living water will overflow from within those who are His.

But there is more. i remember Joseph’s words;

and God will surely come to your aid and take you up out of this place…

and i remember how Pharaoh’s daughter happened upon that little baby in the basket. and i acknowledge that it is no less a miracle that my friend and i happened upon each other. And what i so enjoy about the whole thing is that i didn’t have to have showered or dressed for the occasion. i didn’t’ have to have any profound revelation. i didn’t even have to know to show up. i just had to be breathing. all the rest?

was God surely coming to our very aid.

An Unexpected Journey-looking back

August 16, 2014 / mel

i take the time to ponder my surprising response to those who deemed my choices foolish. and i realize the gift the broken car and sick child and sick me gave. all of that shifted my perspective very quickly to the reality that i have no control over anything. and the natural stress and fatigue that they brought with them shifted my energy. no longer did i have energy to spend self-editing, self-doubting, self-focusing.

i marvel at the One who takes the bad and creates something good from it. satan’s plans are thwarted. God is still glorified, light shines in dark places, and i become more free. and i have nothing to do with any of it. all there is to do is soak in the Wonder.

there is so much joy in freedom.

there is so much freedom in understanding who i am and Whose i am and Who He Is.

looking back i see the beautiful work of a Father, moving this daughter into the world and creating Art with the way:

i keep talking even tho my words aren’t being understood
i keep deciding even tho i don’t have all the information
i reject analysis of my time with the car and with family. i let Him fight for me and once strengthened i join the fight for hope. i rest in the truth that Christ is in me-and He will come out. it is the hope of glory. it is glory’s only hope.

i take the risk and go on the hike. i speak honestly my frustration about being left behind without food and water, but don’t condemn. i listen to the journey my husband and son took with interest and share in their joy.

i pay attention to the fact that the words don’t stick. i marvel at the way fatigue and stress and sickness remove my ability to absorb another’s opinions. i recognize that not only is joy worth the fight, but avoidance of pain is not worth the absence of joy.

once we return from all the travels, i breathe deep the days of sleeping in and stop apologizing to the people in my imagination about the laundry not started and the groceries yet to get.

i accept the new definitions (travel mercies; regretless days). i move forward looking at the last two weeks as defining moments in becoming more fully at rest with who i am and Whose i am.

i show up here and write it all down

“Perhaps the most beautiful work you can do today is to begin to accept your creative inheritance from God and learn to become yourself in the presence of others, moving into the world as the person you fully are no matter where you are, who you’re with, or what’s gone wrong.”

-The Art of Your Work by Emily P. Freeman

it is for freedom
that Christ as set us free.

Stand firm, then,
and do not let yourselves be burdened again
by a yoke of slavery.

galatians 5:1

An Unexpected Journey-headed north

August 6, 2014 / mel

hope has been restored and that is a big thing.

We’ve left the Dear Ones in the South that i come from, and head to the North to Dear Ones on the other side.

We’ve traveled from the heat of the desert to the cool of the mountains. i’m physically fatigued-but spiritually restored and that makes all the difference. still, i’ve caught the older one’s sickness.

because, of course.

the choice is presented for a 6 mile hike and really it’s foolish to even consider. this cold, or flu, or whatever it is, carries with it a cough and shortness of breath as it is. but-we’re at a family reunion-and we’re in S. Dakota. and there are all the people. and i just think that it seems we are sick every time we travel and so i could stay in bed and rest to get better or i could go and do things i can’t do at home with people i very rarely see.

so i go.

and since i have one son who can run a mile in 7 minutes and it takes just the glimpse of where we are going for him to loose awareness of anything else but that-he starts hiking. Jeremy, working to keep up with him, calls back to me and my youngest that he’ll keep track of this one if i keep track of that one. it makes sense, i’m sick and the one with me is our slow and steady one. but …. in the haste we forget that Jeremy is carrying all of our water and food.

and i wonder if i will make it.

it is glorious. and so worth it.

of course when i get back to camp i limp over to our camper and crash. and now it is plainly obvious to everyone that i am sick and getting sicker. and there are a few naysayers who call my choice the foolishness that it is. the words don’t stick. a day without regrets has been redefined.

An Unexpected Journey-headed south

August 4, 2014 / mel

mimi colorado

the heat of the sun soaks into the broken van. stuck there at exit 49 along the Colorado River and the kids aren’t quite sure what to think or say-so they sit there with big eyes and quick obedience. i cry and pray that the tears will stop once the phone does find a signal and i am required to communicate clearly where we are and what we need. i drain the car battery trying to keep the dying phone alive. my phone’s charge lasts long enough to connect with roadside assistance, and there is nothing left to connect with my husband who is all the way back home.

Howard the tow-truck driver is on his way. the kids help me pack up the car and get ready. i tear my favorite pants on the guard-rail. i answer their questions as best i can; -the tow truck is coming-he will get us to the nearest city. some Dear Ones –who were adventuring themselves and aren’t too far away-are coming to help too.

after dumping the van-Howard drops us off at a dairy queen to await our coming help. i breathe deep at the sight of the elementary school across the way. we get our ice cream and walk over to wait.

and i am thankful for the elementary school playground and ice cream. and for Howard who was so very kind. thankful for the exit 49 so i could be off the highway. thankful for the husband on the phone who is so very kind too. thankful for the finding of a hotel-a fancy shmancy hotel-for cheap. the term Travel Mercies is being redefined.

still, here i am

with all these decisions to make. lots and lots of decisions. i have this complex and difficult history with decisions that adds to the struggle. i’ve begun to understand this about me.

i wake in the night to hear her tossing and turning. the thermometer reads 102. she says her throat hurts bad. i’ve nothing to offer for relief and no transportation. i do what i can to make her comfortable, taking her cot and giving her the bed. the boys sleep soundly through it all, it’s all a grand adventure and these detours are nothing to lose sleep over- to them.

i flex and make a new plan for tomorrow;

pick up rental go to urgent care
pick up rental
stop at transmission shop.
sell car to the junk yard.
get back on our way? or just go home?

we all decide that continuing on is the wise choice. there are cousins to connect with and a new cousin to meet. the kids have no idea how hard this all is. all these decisions made with limited information and limited sleep. they are good sports and enjoy themselves regardless of what i choose.

the sick one spends her days in bed while the boys and their cousin play in their fort. grandma stays behind, because though my sick one is 14, i won’t let her be sick on her own. we girls, as we’ve been called for years and years, spend rare hours together. the ruts in the road are well worn and try as we might to forge a new path these ruts are deep, compounded by distance and lack of time for tending. i realize this as we have time for talking, brief moments to share from our hearts. i tread lightly-testing the ground as i go to see if it is safe to move forward. sometimes it is and i share deeply. sometimes it isn’t and i hold back. sometimes i forget about the testing and self-editing and realize after the places that cause discomfort for them and for me. there are moments to ponder that these are the ones who have known me the longest….yet, in some ways, hardly know me at all.

my prayers are reduced to groaning. i’m losing my footing and beginning to forget what i know. i’m spending time with family by day and tending to a sick teenager by night. the fog creeps in and my body shifts into survival, physical and spiritual fatigue takes its toll. the One who knows and understands everything, He breaks through the fog and gives strength to keep going and keep loving and keep engaging. to listen and seek to know, without seeking to be known.

“in times like these,” He encourages, “it’s no longer about being in the word every day. it’s about living the word every moment.”

still, despite the personal victory won of remaining engaged, other hopes fade and begin to die out.

i take a risk and share with a friend;

“it’s just hard to see any hope of anything else but this ever.”

he replies;

“Don’t give up hope. God is big.”

as our travel shifts to the North, my eyes and heart begin to take in hope. those words spoken by a fellow traveler are life giving. the fog lifts if only a little. my eyes catch glimpses of hope in unexpected places. i grab the camera and my pen, because i want to remember both the bigness of my God and the way He speaks.

“I AM your feast, in the presence of enemies...” (via jon foreman/psalm 23)

a tree-growing out of the rock. planted and tended and grown by the Only One who could.

words that press in just the right places:

Oh child, I have searched and known you!
I know when you sit down and when you rise up;
I discern your thoughts from afar.
I search out your path and your lying down and Am acquainted with all your ways.
Even before a word is on your tongue, behold, I the LORD, know it altogether.
I hem you in, behind and before and I lay My Hand upon you.
(psalm 139)

He is big.
Bask in the hope of His Bigness
Behold it.
Bask in the Wonder of being searched, known, and treasured.

and then, seriously, i’m walking under Mt. Rushmore’s hall of flags and i look up and see this!! It’s Rhode Island’s flag, in case anyone wants to know. the 13th state. Admitted to the Union in 1790

“And this hope is an anchor to our very soul, because He who promised is Faithful.”

on looking out into the great unknown and being afraid

May 22, 2014 / mel

it is truly wonderful to know He has the blueprint and is following it to the dot….He knows what is best and will work it out. if we want our way we not only spoil the plan but in gaining, we lose.

There is nothing better to calm our spirits and keep us on the way of duty (when we are tempted to an indirect course for our own relief) than to hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.

-Arthur Matthews

On second thought, ignore this letter. Tear it up and pitch it. The road you’re on is the one marked out for you and it’s a good one. No matter which way you go, it’s a train wreck that God puts back together his way. I don’t want you to miss a thing.

Your friend,

Gary

these quotes bear a weight to me within their context. the first, from Arthur and Wilde Matthews. in January of 1951 the China Inland Mission had given the call for all of their missionaries to evacuate communist China. for two years Arthur and Wilde and their little girl Lilah were ‘held by the cold and cruel elements of the Red Regime which deliberately tried to starve them.” -from Green Leaf in Drought by Isobel Kuhn

the second is from Gary Morland. it’s from a letter he wrote to his teenage self. He has also written an ebook;

I drank three quarts of beer a day for fourteen years. From Beer to Eternity awakens hope for anyone who has experienced discouragement and loss of faith because of an addiction (your own or others).

today, i am alone in my house. and there is quiet and time to sit with my fears. there is time to cry before the One who knows everything. the truth is, i am afraid of the changes before us. i’ve had lots to ponder over the last few weeks. to introspect at what really it means to live a life that has been blessed by the Lord. to take to Him my wants; be it a new floor in my kitchen or a daughter who does not “lose herself in the presence of others” (emily freeman*)

we’ve had all these school decisions to make. and we have multiple graduations to attend this weekend of young ones that we love dearly and want for them too to not lose themselves in the presence of others. want for them to know the depths to which they have been loved by the One who knows everything.

i sit here and i know how powerless i really am. i know full well the train wreck that lies in wait to suck the life out of the ones i love. i want to avoid the wreck, not learn how to deal with the wreck in a whole and healthy way.

in my parenting, i want there to not be stuff. rather, what i have instead is the call to deal with the stuff that there is in a whole and healthy way.

feet

when i mention the high school that my oldest has chosen to a friend the gasp is audible. it’s a big school. it is public. it is full of knuckleheads. she might just lose her way. she might.

right now she is at a very small school. it’s technically public, but it’s a charter school and appears ‘safer’ to the onlookers. but sometimes i fear she’s lost her way already.

the God of the Universe, who placed the stars in their places. Who set the Earth precisely where it must be for life. it is truly wonderful to know that He does in fact have the blueprint and is following it to the dot. to know that though we all may have completely lost our way and it just may be a train wreck-He will put it all back together in His way. and so in losing we will gain.

que the hymn….
be still my soul
the Lord is on Thy side
bear patiently the cross of greif or pain
leave to thy God
to order and provide
through every change
He faithful will remain.

i did spend a couple of days pondering over what a life blessed by God really looks like. and these are a few things that i discovered in my studies:

is comforted
inherits the earth
is filled
is shown mercy
sees God
is called a son of God
possesses a great reward in heaven.
is forgiven
has his sins covered, his sin the Lord will never count against him
has a hope that does not disappoint because
and only because
God has poured out His love into our hearts
by the Holy spirit, whom He has given us.

this God who blesses in this way; He is the God who knows everything. He is the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.

in my powerlessness-my soul is stilled.

He faithful will remain.

to draw further in: Matthew 5; Romans 4 and 5

*i didn’t link to the exact quote-i can’t remember where i first heard that from her, but i linked to a post where she speaks on it… here are some others.

asking

March 10, 2014 / mel

Rembrandt’s Christ in the Storm on the Lake of Galilee

a knock on my window.

and i rise

from my place before the alter.
where i sat.
preaching the gospel to myself.

i open the door

and fix two cups of tea.
knowing without asking
to make hers green and mine black.

and we sit

next to each other

the immoral and moral.
the one who has striven to be lord and master of her life by breaking all the rules.
the one who has striven to be lord and master of her life by keeping them.

and is it true?

both the same in their need for a Savior?

both the same in their value to Him?
really? is it?

both with a chasm that we must see.

a chasm that we cannot cross

that keeps us altogether separate,
without God and without hope
in this land we traverse.

And both of our hands
Are equally skilled
At doing evil
Equally skilled
At bribing the judges
Equally skilled
At perverting justice
Both of our hands
Both of our hands -jon foreman

but God

But God has provided

and we must see
we must see the provision
for the joy to come in and take up residence in these hearts traversing this land.

God’s love which satisfied His own justice.

And both of His hands
Are equally skilled
At ruining evil
Equally skilled
At judging the judges
Equally skilled
At administering justice

Both of His hands
Both of His hands

Are equally skilled
At showing mercy

Equally skilled
At loving the loveless

Equally skilled
At administering justice

Both of His hands
Both of His hands -jon foreman

and so

this is why i keep asking.

because we both need….. we all need

desperately need his skilled hands

to give us the very thing this day requires

Spirit of wisdom to know Him better
eyes of our hearts enlightened to know the hope and riches of inheritance and power for us who believe.
richness of His mercy that gives life
power to grasp the vastness of His love
strength in Him and His might to take our stand against the devil?s schemes.
help in the struggle.

help in the struggle.
and hope…..
and joy in spite of the struggle.

and both of His hands are equally skilled.
at providing the solution
and showing us mercy
and loving us well
and restoring
oh the skill of His hands to restore.

to draw further in: ephesians-all 6 chapters;

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Unwrapping Hope in a story of a golf ball

December 17, 2013 / mel

it’s been a long time of pouring out into lives with the hope that they too could come to know the Only One who can heal their wounds and bind up their broken hearts and give them real peace.

and no one has.

the program that we are connected with is faulty.

we want our programs to work.

the methods we use are weak.

we want our methods to work.

our prayers are genuine….if infrequent.

we want our prayers to work.

some of them have come and sat in our Sanctuary and heard the gospel preached in a beautiful way.

we want our preaching to work.

i remember sitting next to one holding my bible-that i had given to her when she said she wished she had one. and there she sat with the book that had in it all my little notes and milestones of my kids and our life and in that Bible i knew exactly where on a page the particular word i was looking for was. it pained me to give it to her-but i knew what she held in her hands was life. eventually she gave it back to me.

we want our offerings and sacrifices to work.

……………………………..

today, this Tuesday Emily’s gathering has my eyes looking for the gift to be unwrapped.

it’s almost 1:00 and 5 phone calls into the day and my joy just keeps growing. The first couple were from dear ones that deposit joy, not suck it away. the other 3 could have been joy suckers.

because so much of what we want to work isn’t working.

so it seems.

but as i’m filling in one of my co-laborers on the latest developments and latest ‘response wisdom’ he tells me a story. and he doesn’t even know what the Lord is planning to do with this story. it’s just a story about a golf ball and a friend and speaking of Christ and how God worked in a way that they both just stood there for a moment speechless. but the current chapter-these 20 or so year later and that friend still rejects the God who worked that day leaving him speechless.

but it hits me.

That is who our God is!

He pursues so. He orchestrates even the landing of a golf ball. and He never stops. It’s back to that story of the chess game and He still has moves left and He will continue on with His moves. He doesn’t stop.

He won’t make us choose Him.

But He will love us to the very end.

oh, our methods fail and succeed, our prayers, our sacrifices. but if we’ve been around the block a few times we know how utterly powerless we are to really save a life.

But God?

He works. He keeps working.

He doesn’t stop.

He promises that our toils are not in vain, and they will produce a harvest if we do not lose heart.

But seriously, there is every reason to lose heart. Don’t you know it too? the person you have poured love into and prayed over and before your eyes on a regular basis is all the reasons to lose heart.

the gift given today was not in an uplifting story with a happy fruitful ending. if that’s how the golf ball story had gone i would be sitting here discouraged i think. the beauty of that story (and if you are wondering why i’m not telling it it’s because it wasn’t my story and i don’t remember all the details.) the beauty is in the way it reveals the way in which our Father loves.

the gift of joy today is the opening of my eyes to how to keep heart. (find heart? what would be the opposite of losing heart??)

how to keep heart is to remember the One who works. Who loves. Who suffers long. Who is utterly faithful.

Oh the Depths of the riches of the wisdom of God…….

I’m beginning to grasp that there is a hope candle at advent and a peace candle at advent and a joy candle at advent…….because of, and only because of the last candle we light-

Love
that comes down
and Loves……

linking up with emily freeman’s
tuesday’s unwrapped

the blog looks a little wonky right now. i just needed to say that. you can read more about that here.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

The Lord, my Shepherd

November 24, 2013 / mel

North Carolina sky

God is my shepherd

i won’t be wanting

i won’t be wanting

He makes me rest in fields of green. by quiet streams

even while i’m walking…… thru the valley……… of death and dying.

i will not fear, cause You are with me, You’re always with me.

i don’t even know how to write this post. how to paint the picture for you to understand how those words nourish in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

in the middle of the week as i lay in bed, unable to sleep because of the trauma of the day, i recited the entire thing to myself over and over and over again.

this week was full of heart wrenching struggles. the possibility that my neighbors (little) dog would have to be put down because of my (very big) dog jumping the fence. rejoicing over that outcome (she made it through surgery and will be ok) and stressing over a now large bill to pay and new fence to build from a small bank account. the time at the day center for homeless families sitting alongside a man with his head in his hands weeping over the news of his little boy far away-6 yrs. old and both legs amputated. my pregnant sister in the hospital again. too far away for me to visit.

and a month ago, in the middle of our flood, i buy a ticket that will take me to the other side of the US for the weekend. i couldn’t see into the future to be sure that it would be ok to go. i just had to trust that it would be.

it’s not really. but i’m going anyway.

when we booked the flight/car/hotel i couldn’t see thousands of miles away what the hotel we were choosing would be like. i just had to choose one.

here’s where the words fail me.

so i’ll just say that i needed my Shepherd to comfort me and make me rest when the fields weren’t green at all and there were no quiet streams. i never noticed till now that following that wonderful image (i mean can’t you just see in your mind those fields and the stream?)…following that

is the valley.

of death and dying.

David says he won’t fear.

why?

because His Shepherd is with him,

He’s always with him.

well, my Shepherd did make me rest in spite of the lack of green or quiet. and i thanked Him so very much. That His presence was constant and this weekend could still be a time of rest and refreshment…even here.

but then

in the middle of the night

bugs

bugs crawling on me. all these little bugs crawling around in my bed. suffice it to say. i freak out. and i leave. and through my sobs i manage to find myself a more suitable place to stay.

…………………………………………

i don’t even know.

here i am. this week? i have nothing. i know nothing.

and at 2 am far from home i’m wrestling with deep stuff. i wanted rest.

Whole only comes after broken. Healing only comes after wounds. Are you willing to go a bit further and see?…….It doesn’t mean that God is trying to teach us a lesson in our difficulty. Perhaps He is simply creating a masterpiece. -emily freeman – a million little ways p. 104, 105

perhaps He is creating a masterpiece.

am i willing to go a bit further and see?

man the wrestling is hard work. and i won’t be attending the Barn event rested. i’ll be attending quite fragile and quite simply exhausted i predict.

but the beauty (masterpiece?) of this weekend is that i never questioned

that He was with me

the entire time.

When i couldn’t find words, only sobbs-the Spirit translated my groans for me.

when i began to condemn myself He brought to mind just the thing i needed. (one example: condemning myself for freaking out over the bugs and not just toughing it out-and i remembered Corrie ten Boom and the biting flies. she’d put up with much thus far in that concentration camp –but the flies were too much for her too.)

He shows me that there are quiet streams here too, in this valley of death and dying. He sticks in my mind jon foreman’s words: “Two things you told me: that You are strong and You love me…..yes You love me.”

and

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (matthew 10)

and internet at the new hotel so i can stream pandora and have music to drown out any lies the enemy wants to whisper.

Yes. He is my Shepherd.

i won’t be wanting.

And this same God who takes care of me

will supply all your needs

from His glorious riches,

which have been given to us

in Christ Jesus.

(Philippians something i think)

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Category: hope (page 4 of 5)

for understanding | pursuit

Winnie-the-Pooh and Inner Joy

breathing among the papyrus reeds

An Unexpected Journey-looking back

An Unexpected Journey-headed north

An Unexpected Journey-headed south

on looking out into the great unknown and being afraid

asking

Unwrapping Hope in a story of a golf ball

The Lord, my Shepherd

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