Life – Page 2 – Chasing Joy

Category: Life (page 2 of 2)

life | dreaming

May 12, 2015 / mel

my boys, they talk of firemen and joining the army and playing baseball for lots of money. my girl, at the wise old age of 2, announced she wanted to be a garbage man when she grew up. “cause then i can make all the children of the neighborhood happy.” fully believing that every child enjoyed watching that garbage truck come and pick up the trash in its especially interesting way.

she glowed with excitement as an eight year old girl, when she described what she dreamed of becoming when all grown and out on her own.

and i did what any mother of an eight year old does. shared her delight and encouraged her in her dream. not because i thought she knew anymore than that 2 year old aspiring garbage collector knew.

i delighted in her dream because i delighted in her.

here we are, this grown taller than me fifteen year old and i, and that eight-year old dream still resides in her heart. she’s more passionate now and carries more wisdom than her eight-year old self. she’s experienced more of life and more of joy and more of sorrow. the dream has taken the shape of a calling, a calling from the One who knit her together and mapped out her course. and the invitation has come to this mother to watch out for the opportunities to spur her on into who she is.

those watching seem to find themselves perplexed and needing to form conclusions. we visited a campus this past weekend, you see, and i’ve heard so many declarations of; “wow, you are on top of things” as if we held some superpower they lacked. or; “a campus visit as a sophomore? why didn’t you wait?” as if we lacked some wisdom they held.

the truth is i don’t know what i’m doing, mothering these kids. what i do know is that the One who knits together and gives desires is holding their future in His hands. and He’s entrusted me with walking alongside them as they journey into who He is making them to be. and He’s been teaching me about becoming. about becoming more fully myself. about listening to the desires of my heart and unpacking them in His presence. and as He’s gifted me with encouragers along my way, i have drunk deep from refreshing springs when the journey feels foolish and stupid and wasteful. so why would i offer my daughter something else?

i have no idea how we ended up far from home in an airplane hanger listening to all it takes to become a missionary pilot. i don’t recall how we learned of this school. or why, when the postcard came inviting us to Experience Spokane!, we took notice and decided to go. this wasn’t a well-thought out plan. i’d like to think that this is the movement of that Spirit who hovered over the waters and brought forth light. that the One who called to Abram to leave and go to the place He would show him, calls forth Abraham’s children to follow step by step still. that maybe He who breathed the starry host into existence, can enable an absent minded mother to tune into the symphony He is forming within her daughter….. His daughter. i have lived long enough to know that it is entirely possible that this movement towards flight school may or may not produce a missionary pilot at its end. regardless, any movement towards the direction of the Spirit contains its own promised end….

…the eyes of your heart enlightened
in order that you may know the hope
to which He has called you,
the riches
of His glorious inheritance in the saints,
and His incomparably great power
for us who believe.

maybe, just maybe, a dream is an invitation from the One who gathers the waters of the sea into jars. “Take Courage,” He says; “it is I, don’t be afraid.”

step into your dream, my child, and live

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in: Ephesians 1; Psalm 33; Genesis 1, 12

1st – 4th and 6th photos taken by Hannah, 5th and 7th by me on our recent trip to Spokane, WA

life | when you’ve really screwed up

May 6, 2015 / mel

he took something that didn’t belong to him. when caught he lied. when sent to the principle’s office he got scared and confused and went back to class instead. i discover this last bit on the way home and turn the car around and walk beside him as he reluctantly faces things.

this 12 year old is having a very bad day.

this mother of a 12 year old is having a very bad day too.

the problem is that the thing he took is lost. somewhere in his room. so he’s tasked with cleaning, looking as he goes. after dinner i decide to join the hunt, only to discover how my boys have been cleaning their room. you know, grab a handful of stuff and shove it under or behind or i know, these dirty socks and odds and ends will disappear nicely into this empty Lego box.

now there are 2 boys having a very bad day and one mom who needs a time out.

while the boys clean their room like they’ve never cleaned before, i pray the prayer that never fails.

Jesus, i need help.

He leads me beside still waters and i sit with His words and let them soak and settle in.

gathering the boys to my side we kneel to pray- the thing we should’ve done in the first place-regarding the lost toy.

the first offender begins, and i hear the words he’s been telling himself all day.

he wants to be a better person. he wants to be responsible. he wants to think before he acts. he wants to want to return to school instead of dread it.

underneath those words i hear the self-loathing that i know full well.

i move toward him, i cup his head in my hands and look straight into his red puffy eyes. he tries to look away.

“son, look at me.”

our eyes lock

“you are my son and I love you. this does not change that.”

he melts into a puddle of sobs

i rub his back and speak the words that give life.

words of Jesus seeing over the span of time to that day last week when this all began.

words of His deep love.

words of the cross.

words of a standing that is secure.

“you are His son and He loves you. this does not change that.”

yes, the wages of sin is death. oh don’t we all know it? haven’t we all felt it? especially when we’ve screwed up? screw-ups of the 12 year old sort and screw-ups of the beenwalkingwithJesusalongtimeandknowbetter sort. the weight of the death feels heavy on the chest.

and we want to be better, more responsible, think before we act.

and it’s easy to slip from real sorrow and repentance down down down into the self-loathing.

that’s a sorrow that leads to more death.

there is another way. a locking of red-puffy eyes with the eyes of a Father who knows it all.

and breathing in His words….

you are my child and I love you. this failure cannot change that.

….His words that bring the dead to life.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in, Isaiah 53, Psalm 32, Romans 6-8

life | through grief

April 29, 2015 / mel

Three days of mourning have been declared in Haiti after a power line fell on to a carnival float in the capital, Port au Prince.

-bbc news

Moses was 120 years old when he died… The People of Israel wept for Moses in the Plains of Moab thirty days. Then the days of weeping and mourning for Moses came to an end.

-Deuteronomy 34

OSO, Wash. — Washington residents paused Saturday to observe a statewide moment of silence at 10:37 a.m., exactly a week after a devastating mudslide tore through this rural mountain town.

-LA Times

I remember when i first read of Haiti’s 3 days of mourning in the aftermath of the carnival tragedy. not only did they cancel the last day of the event, but 3 whole days of mourning?! i wondered what that must look like. businesses closed, schools closed, families gathering together talking about it, openly weeping? i only imagine-not having ever experienced such community grieving. i read of how Israel mourned for 30 days when Moses died. 30 whole days until the days of weeping came to an end. wow. this contrasted against how we do it in the States. we pause for moments. and they are moments of silence. that feels like a slight acknowledgement and then back to work and moving along as ‘normal’. i have felt the shock of that. in the face of deep personal loss, i can recall being perplexed by the moving about of others-folks who know nothing of the loss i’ve experienced-doing normal things like getting groceries and picking up their kids from school. i know in my head; “of course they are, why wouldn’t they be?” while my grieving heart can’t figure out how to make one foot move in front of the other and my grieving mind can not be trusted to work the stove.

our bodies are made to feel. and some feelings need time. life follows death, healing follows brokenness, rivers of joy follow valleys of sorrow.

i learned as a child that pain and grief were not to be felt. count backwards from 10, breathe deep, but by all means, don’t cry.

it takes courage to feel. i come from a family of wimps. i mean no offence by that, we wanted to be strong, it’s just that the understanding of what real strength is got mixed up somewhere along the way. and so i grew up stoic, priding myself on my lack of tears and pretend indifference. but the color of my world grew more and more gray. and my heart shriveled.

Energize the limp hands, strengthen the rubbery knees. Tell fearful souls, “Courage! Take heart! God is here, right here, on his way to put things right And redress all wrongs. He’s on his way! He’ll save you!”

-Isaiah 35:3-4

This One who wept and groaned loudly, He did come. and He taught me how to grieve. and through grieving all the losses past, and continuing to grieve losses big and small as they come, color has returned to my world. and my heart has opened…

…and i have come to life.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

All photos except for the first one taken by Hannah Lucas

To draw futher in: John 11, 16:20-22; Hebrews 5:7; Ecc 3; Deuteronomy 34

life | retrieved

April 23, 2015 / mel

He surrounds himself with words. fine sounding arguments to deal with the broken places. i stand alone in his space and i read them and grieve over how far away from truth and real healing he is. i lose hope.

but i do remain in that place of acceptance. acceptance for where he is at and what he is able to give and receive. another kind of death assigned to me is this relationship. great glory goes to the Father of the fatherless for the way He enables me to love this man who is limited in his ability to love in return, to love in a way i desire to be loved. and there is still great weakness and fear that remains in how i’m relating. i am fully aware of the trembling inside when conversations begin to shift in uncomfortable directions. i find my own self coping through diversions and distractions, keeping things safe. i lose myself in the presence of others here, but when it is quiet, the One who gives sight to the blind helps me to see.

Finding the Love that Retrieves at www.everybitterthingissweet.com

in the dark of the night we stand debating over another one far gone and a false prophet among us. the scene shifts and i find myself in an arena full of those held captive by Balaam and his deceptions. searching through my belongings, they grab hold of my blue bound book, the one with my name inscribed on the front. they empty it of the treasures i’ve tucked inside, passing them out to bystanders and mocking me in the process. i don’t care, i snatch it back-letting the little things go, knowing that the real treasure is the pages and words contained within. taking my seat, i’m discovered by the other truth bearers who’ve infiltrated these ranks and we band together standing united against the fray. it’s invigorating and delightful to find i’m not standing alone.

and then i wake up. it was only a dream.

i look over at his chair and i remember sara’s words. i remember how far the Mighty Warrior Jesus went to retrieve me. the dream brings into focus the truth of the battle, the truth of what i stand on and cling to, the truth that there are fellow soldiers who have infiltrated the enemy’s territory. i rise and retrieve that blue bound book with my name engraved on the front. The Spirit brings to mind words and i turn page after page searching them out. and then i breathe them in. my Hope Bearer fills me with renewed hope all the while reminding me of my source of worth and joy, lest i misunderstand and stumble into expectations and seeking where worth and joy cannot be found.

Oh Lord, You are my God! i will exalt You and praise Your name-
for in Perfect Faithfulness
You have done marvelous things…

This is what the Lord says;
I have seen his ways, BUT i will heal him;
I will guide him and restore comfort to him,
creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel.

Can plunder be taken from warriors?
or captives rescued from the fierce?
But this is what the Lord says;
Yes
captives will be taken
and plunder retrieved.

life begins when the Source of life retrieves. i know this.

i forgot this.

i have renewed hope for this one who surrounds himself with fine sounding arguments. he is seeking life where it cannot be found, but i do recognize that it is life that he is seeking. i also recognize that the current god he’s bowing to is successfully tricking him into thinking he’s found it and there is no hope in that. rather, my hope is in the Mighty One who is Mightier, the Powerful One who is more Powerful. that greater is He in me than he that is in the world. i hope because Life Himself retrieves captives from the fierce.

See now that I Myself am He!
there is no god besides Me.
I put to death and I bring to life,
I have wounded and I will heal,
and no one can deliver out of My hand.

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in; Colossians 2:1-8; Romans 16:17-18; 2 Peter 3:3-9; Isaiah 25; 57:18; 49:25; Psalm 119:72

in This place?

December 13, 2013 / mel

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it! Genesis 28:16

i come in the door grumbling grumbling.

we’ve been spending ourselves this week on behalf of Isaiah 58 people.

the exhaustion is beginning to take it’s toll.

Wednesday, i was at the dentist sitting in the chair next to my daughter and the hygienist completely lost in October’s National Geographic. So much so that they kept asking me questions and talking to me and i was completely oblivious with my head in the pictures of N. Korea and the Congo. Finally my daughter yells out; “MOM! It’s time to go!” i look up and they are both staring at me as if they maybe had mentioned this already a couple of times??

late last night, somewhere between pulling into the driveway and my front door, i lost the car keys.

still, i left that to the light of the next day and attempted to make a birthday cake for my daughter. the pan tipped and spilled half-baked cake all over the oven.

i plop myself down on the couch to try that too again tomorrow and look out my window…..no lights.

those dang squirrels chewed a bulb off-now only ¼ of them light up.

after rehearsing spelling words with my 3^rd grader in the car this morning and shooing him off with a story to remember why there is a silent K in front of Knight, i drive home and the grumbling begins to rumble and spill out within.

pulling into the driveway and i remember those dang lights. and in my grumbling profanity over the lights welled up within and dang wasn’t the word i wanted to use.

i told myself it was silly to speak so about Christmas lights.

i am a complete mess.

last night driving home the words to myself were instead; “i am a complete fool.”

all the volunteers for this week are looking to me to lead them. my children are looking to me to lead them. profanity wells up within about that.

grumbling all the way i plop myself down and am irritated that the whole wide world seems to go on without needing to stop in front of the King of Kings, the Wonder of a Counselor, but no, not i. i am desperate and needy. and completely irritated at that fact. (do you see it? those lies that are such nonsense, but man, in the moment they seem so true.)

and he’s working hard, that infuriated accuser. he’s giving it all he’s got to keep me right here. exhausted and irritated. profaning the Son of God and His provision….or perceived lack there of.

flipping over the promise chart-i read these words:

The Promise of Victory

“Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 john 5:5

oh and those words begin to do their work.

i make my tea and block out the rest of the accusations about how this chai has too much sugar and i’m on December 8^th in ‘The Greatest Gift” so i should just give it up.

I open Ann’s new book to page 65

The only words on the page staring up at me are these:

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Genesis 28:16

and i sit and let these tidings of comfort wash over me, lingering before turning the page for more.

(if you don’t have the book-the focus on the reading is Genesis 28:10-16-read that and the rest will make sense i think?)

You can feel it…..like life’s this stairway that you just never stop climbing…..Like all these lists are rungs, like your failures stretch from earth to heaven, like all your rest feels like lying down on one unforgiving stone.

-Ann Voskamp The Greatest Gift p.68

and the tears that fill my eyes blur the rest of the words on the page.

the bugs and the foolishness and the cake and the congo and it all does feel like rest* on one unforgiving stone.

and today, i need my King to be a Victorious King, and my Shepherd to be a gentle Shepherd, and my Counselor to be a Wonder of a Counselor. He is all those things and so very much more.

Love has come.

daily rescuing.

daily saving.

daily strengthening.

daily quenching.

daily loving, oh how deeply loving with the very word needed-even if it’s ‘technically’ days behind schedule.

sigh. the grumbling and profanity** has stopped. although i would not complain if the neighborhood boys did some target practice on some squirrels.

Holy Holy Holy

Lord God Almighty

Merciful and Mighty

in This very place

Holy Holy Holy

are You,

my Love.

my only Hope.

my only source of Strength.

my true Rest.

*He taught me about rest. I sat in Matthew pondering these two verses side by side (11:28-30 and 13:22) and i did think of blogging on it-but the words have been hard to pin down these days-maybe soon?

** Also quoted in Ann’s book these word of Elizabeth Elliot; “[Profanity] is treating as meaningless that which is freighted with meaning. Treating as common that which is hallowed. Regarding as a mere triviality what is really a divine design. Profanity is failure to see the inner mystery.” p.69 in The Greatest Gift.
my profanity was actually not in the words i wanted to speak over the Christmas lights, it went so much deeper than that.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

gains and losses

November 20, 2013 / mel

the contrast of two clock towers – London, England

Those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship; but we who have not yet attained it cannot know this in the same way, and cannot even begin to know it at all except by continuing to obey and finding the first reward of our obedience in our increasing power to desire the ultimate reward. Just in proportion as the desire grows, our fear lest it should be a mercenary desire will die away and finally be recognized as an absurdity. But probably this will not, for most of us, happen in a day; poetry replaces grammar, gospel replaces law, longing transforms obedience, as gradually as the tide lifts a grounded ship.
-C.S. Lewis from “The Weight of Glory”

so we’ve spent some time as a family talking about things. this house. school choices. life choices. about what we lose by staying put, and what we gain. because that’s just it. every choice comes with both losses and gains. the school choices are still in process-one has to move on as he’s entering 6th grade next year. but everyone, everyone, wanted to stay put in this very house.

at that meeting-when i spoke-passion welled up from within and spilled out and the words, they. just. came.

that i’m all in with regards to the ministry. we’re all in.

and i can’t speak for my family-and it doesn’t seem like any of them were in a place of questioning it all anyway- but something has shifted in me. this process of late has culminated with an inner shift.

nothing has changed without, but within poetry is replacing grammar and longing is transforming obedience.

this life we are living is beginning to look like art.

for today, this is where we will stay and do art.

my heart is growing in contentment more consistently.

i’ve always had this problem of pining away for something other than whatever it is that i have. maybe it’s the growing up in a military family where moving was the norm rather than staying put? the thanksgiving lists help refocus my vision. but the restlessness for something other is always there. this Spirit given shift has not removed my restlessness completely-there will always be that this side of heaven as it is heaven that my heart is longing for? but the restlessness that comes from wanting a different picture painted, a different outcome, a different process, and if i really dig deep enough and am honest, the restlessness? it’s restlessness wanting a different me.

i wrote a bit ago that art + no shame = joy.

i have been living ashamed of my art.

ashamed of my home

ashamed of what i do with my time, or don’t do with my time

ashamed of the gospel (i know it is the power of God for those who believe, ….. but still often i am ashamed of it)

ashamed of my writing (the reason i haven’t really told anyone about this blog?)

ashamed of…….

that grounded ship of shame is being lifted by the tide

and my understanding of art is deepening

and the joy i’ve been running hard after

that traveling joy that Jesus promised could not be taken

it’s not been found in where i thought it would be

the tide rolls it in and deposits it on the shore of my heart as the shame is lifted out.

and so yes, i’m in. all in.

the secondary gains and losses ever present

but with shame lost?

JOY gained

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Category: Life (page 2 of 2)

life | dreaming

life | when you’ve really screwed up

life | through grief

life | retrieved

in This place?

gains and losses

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