settling – Page 2 – Chasing Joy

Category: settling (page 2 of 4)

life | in anguish

May 19, 2015 / mel

God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says -“I will be with him in trouble.” It does not matter what actual troubles in the most extreme form get hold of a man’s life, not one of them can separate him from his relationship to God. We are “more than conquerors in all these things.” Paul is not talking of imaginary things, but of things that are desperately actual; and he says we are super-victors in the midst of them, not by our ingenuity, or by our courage, or by anything other than the fact that not one of them affects our relationship to God in Jesus Christ. Rightly or wrongly, we are where we are, exactly in the condition we are in.

“Shall tribulation…..?” Let tribulation be what it may-exhausting, galling, it is not able to separate us from the love of God. Never let cares or tribulations separate you from the fact that God loves you.

“Shall anguish….?” -can God’s love hold when everything says that His love is a lie, and that there is no such thing as justice?

“Shall famine….?” -can we not only believe in the love of God but be more than conquerors, even while we are being starved?

Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God when the odds are against God’s character. Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for it-the love of God in Christ.

“Out of the wreck I rise” every time.

-Oswald Chambers

a series exploring the concept of life- what it is and what it means to have it.

to draw further in; Romans 8

while driving, i glance over and the perspective i see of those massive white peaks above massive blue ones is stunning. it is such a contrast as i can almost see the entire bustling city at its base.

they stand there-so strong, so constant, so unmovable, so still. i know that if i were to turn the car towards them and drive closer closer in, i’d lose that picture and see the hustle and bustle happening in their midst too, but here-this view- and they are saying something else.

…

arrows fly at lightning speed, aimed straight at those sore and weak spots of my heart. they fly from words without, but mostly from words within. they beckon me back into the courtroom before the prosecutor who always comes to steal and kill and destroy. the attack is always strategic, wolves tearing at flesh striving to snatch joy away. always striving to snatch joy away. and they come in all sorts of clothing.

those massive peaks remind me of what is true. like the city nestled at the base of those Rocky Mountains, i am small, resting in the Shadow of a Mighty Warrior. He stands behind me and the wolves scatter.

“But was you not afraid, good sir, when you see him come with his club?”
“It is my duty,” said he, “to distrust mine own ability, that I may have reliance on him that is stronger than all”.”
― John Bunyan, The Pilgrim’s Progress

this Stronger One has adjourned the court-the verdict is in. why do i persist in returning? my identity has been determined by the only One who knows everything, the One who calls me beloved even tho He knows everything. He is majestic, He is massive, He is formidable, He is mighty, and He is kind. The Lord Almighty is His name.

in my moments of clarity and hope, i entertain longings, desires, dreams; i look at my laundry/everything/dumping room and form a picture in my head and the steps to take to get it there. i look at my front yard full of hundreds of years of neglect and the weeds that love to grow and i imagine a new picture and all the ways to get there. i imagine the hospitality that i will offer and the enjoyment we will all share with the new space i will create. i look at my 40 year old figure and see the form of my days and how exercise fits just right-right there. i can visualize the enjoyment and joy of all 5 of us getting our heart rates up and the energy and whole body health that will come as a result….. just to name a few.

hope deferred makes the heart sick.

but then i get a call and bring 3 extra little boys home and it’s everything i can do to come up with enough dinner for all of us and a bit extra to send home with them to their sick mom.

but then i’m rinsing out a throw-up bowl one more time and making honey toast for another one who can now keep food down. i’m washing sheets and learning how to sanitize silverware and cups with no dishwasher.

a couple of days to recover, the desires and hopes flood in only to be hit with another round of illness or something else. and the only thing constant is my need for strength from the only One who can give it.

just three days ago i began to formulate a plan of execution for that laundry room. today as i’m walking though to bring medicine to another sick one it stands there mockingly. i let myself sob at all the ways it’s a representative of even deeper things, crying out to the One who delights to show Mercy to me. and together we go to all of the places of deferred hopes. i breath deep and remember that even if my children flunk out of school, even if we are not able to get well, even if i never tackle that laundry room, even if my husband’s travel schedule never ends, even if on this green earth all the people who want answers to our questions will never get them and will go on assuming how if we only did this or this we could be happy and healthy and wise. even if, even if, even if….those mountains crumble and fall into the heart of the sea…

…our standing, my standing, before the King of Kings will not be shaken loose. His delight in me will not be effected by failing grades or messy spaces, or sick bodies, or cancelled responsibilities.

i think back on those mountains, i can’t see them from where i stand, but i know they are still there. and i think of how sure and strong and steadfast my Mighty God is, how He is present in all His grandeur and glory, overshadowing the ins and outs of what feels like a crazy life. deep within i am filled with joy and awe at the constancy of my Everlasting Father.

i will rejoice in the LORD,
i will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
He enables me to go on the heights.

to draw further in: chapter 4 of Pilgrim’s Progress; The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness by Timothy Keller, Romans 8, Psalm 46, Habakkuk 3

insulated

February 4, 2015 / mel

jack frost making art on my window

…

halfway down the hall he punches the wall, goes a little farther and slides down with his hood up and his head in his lap. insulating himself from his surroundings and his surroundings from himself. i pass on by saying nothing, carrying the contraband to the principle. i know he’s angry at me for catching him. i pray he doesn’t take his anger out on one of his 4th grade classmates, specifically-my son.

…

we talk about the superbowl and human trafficking. i mention an idea of skipping the commercials in lue of prayer. reading the response i’m aware of the desire to remain insulated instead. so i give up. my teen however was listening, and at her own party, she and a youth group mate talk about it and she does pray. she shares this with me later and i grieve that i didn’t even try.

…

i stand in the isle looking for a chocolate bar to give as a gift. i want to ignore what i know is true, but today i can’t. so i spend the extra and make the purchase of chocolate sourced justly and fairly. but i worry that the recipient will be offended by my choice. no one likes the feelings they get when made aware of the evils in this world. should i have chosen to express my love for them without expressing my love for children halfway around the world at the same time? would it be better to keep one insulated from the other?

…

i listen to someone speak passionately about their calling that is so very different than mine. it’s easy to mistake passion for condemnation i notice, and it makes me uncomfortable. but i keep returning to her place because it is so very different. she lives in a big house on a lake. she loves her people well with her made from scratch delicacies. i wonder if she grasps the gifts she’s been given in her big house on a lake. i think she does.

…

the feet are knocked out from under 3 of us for 2 days. i notice in my Daily Light devotional that this very day last year was a similar story. in my depressed sick brain fog i dream up all the ways i will fight to insulate my brood of 5-all the places i will refuse to go and the people i will refuse to see. i am fed up with always being sick. i think about that passionate one and the health of her family and how maybe if i follow her recipe for living we could enjoy health too? i dream of moving away, somewhere remote…near water sounds perfect. i fight battles in my head all the while my body fights sleep instead of the virus. realizing i’m spinning wheels that are going nowhere i begin to recite scripture to myself and pray instead. the Lord is my Shepherd, i want for nothing…..He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters…. for the first time in days the needed sleep finally comes.

some hours later i find myself up and out and refreshed……walking behind an angry 4th grader punching the wall.

Restoring Wonder | Far As the Curse is Found

December 23, 2014 / mel

oh the curse. my eyes have seen it. my prayers have felt it. my hope for change has been dashed in so many ways by it. and i’m tempted to think that Christmas has lost any Hope of Joy because of death or divorce or addictions or etc., etc., etc…

but then on an ordinary day driving an ordinary road He shows me the roots of my cynicism and the Wonder of Who. He. Is.
yet again.

and so, i find myself standing next to that old Grinch…..

Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any presents at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

― Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

….what if death and illness and loss and divorce and curse….can’t trump that Babe’s coming? can’t trump the joy of that Babe’s coming? No! it can’t! in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us;

He is enduringly strong.
He is entirely sincere.
He is eternally steadfast.
He is immortally gracious.
He’s imperially powerful.
He’s impartially merciful.
He is the greatest phenomenon that has ever crossed the horizons of the globe.

He is God’s Son.
He is the sinner’s Savior.
He is the captive’s Ransom.
He is the Breath of Life.
He is the centerpiece of civilization.
He stands in the solitude of Himself.

He is august* and He is unique.
He is unparalleled and He is unprecedented.
He is undisputed and He is undefiled.
He is unsurpassed and He is unshakable.

He is the loftiest idea in philosophy.
He is the highest personality in psychology.
He is the supreme subject in literature.
He is the unavoidable problem in higher criticism.
He is the fundamental doctrine of theology.
He is the Cornerstone, the Capstone, and the stumbling Stone of all religion.
He is the miracle of the ages.

Dr. Samuel M. Lockeridge
*august-as an adjective it means; inspiring reverence or admiration; of supreme dignity or grandeur; majestic:

i am becoming convinced that what Paul said is true. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, divorce or illness, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

Christ came! He came just the same!

to draw further in: Isaiah chapters 9, 40, 44, 61; with Luke 2 and Romans 8

Restoring Wonder | considering the sky

December 20, 2014 / mel

These days have found me praying with my children over lost stuffed animals and substitute teachers and help with end of semester tests; while in my own prayer closet i’m beating my breast over broken marriages, sudden deaths, mysterious illnesses, and that despite all the wickedness in the world my love would not grow cold. (matt 24) I tell my children that the One who placed each star in its place and set the earth to spinning knows the hairs on their heads and cares about the big and little things. the words spill out of my mouth and my doubting heart listens.

sometimes you need to preach to your heart rather than listen to it.

-Jeremy Weinland

and so as i’m preaching truth to myself these days and keeping my eyes pealed for Wonder at this One who names those stars, words spoken long ago slip into the recesses of my mind and begin to do their work….

Look at the sky, can you grasp its height? Can you fathom its depth? its length? its width? That is how much your Father loves you.

-Amy Carmichael*

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father….
That He would grant us, according to the riches of His glory

To be strengthened, with might through His Spirit
In the inner man….

That we,
Being rooted and grounded
In love,

May be able to comprehend
With all the Saints
what is the

Width
Length
Depth
Height
of our Star Maker’s Love

and to know
this love of Christ
which
passes
knowledge.
in the depths of our very souls

To draw further in: Matthew 24; Ephesians 3

*not an exact quote, i think i loaned my book out so this is from memory.

for understanding | pursuit

December 2, 2014 / mel

Whoever fears the Lord has a secure fortress,
and for their children it will be a refuge.

the door slams and i start washing the dishes. the tension is thick and i think to myself, no one is feeling very safe or very loved right now. how can a fortress provide refuge if the battle is inside its walls?

i stew in all the ways that i am right and have been offended. as is often the case with these dishes of mine, the Spirit begins to stir within and i’m told to pursue. to seek out. to walk the path to where she is hiding out. and i’m reminded of all that i do not know and all that i long for our home to provide to it’s inhabitants and all the ways it doesn’t.

and so i walk the path and do not expect the tears i find. we walk the path back together with dad (who is so logical and steady) and talk it all through and at the end we have come to understand each other (related to this particular issue anyway) and it makes all the difference.

i too am hiding away in my pain and grief related to this season and all the ways we’ve failed eachother. and He pursues. He walks the path towards me and together, my Steady One and i talk it all through…..

i’ve attempted all the things, but all the things appear to be no match for the wounds from without or the wounds from my own sins. my misjudgments (read misunderstandings), my leanancy when strictness was called for and my strictness when tender mercy was called for.

You have said i’ve been redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to me from my forefathers. -1peter 1:18

and i resolved not to hand down an empty way of life to my kids. but deep within i fear that is the very thing i’ve handed down. which leads me to wonder;

what is it that makes a life empty?
what is it that makes a life full?

it is not perishable things that redeem, it is only the blood of Jesus and i too am helpless in the handing of that down…..except for a demonstration of my own neediness for it, of our neediness for it.

this is what these teen years have been revealing to me-the wounds have not been covered by all the things, even the good and obedient things. they can only be covered by Christ’s blood.

oh Father, that she would…..that we all would …feel safe and feel loved…

in You.

……and i begin to understand the One who Pursues. …and this One who Pursues provides understanding.

days later we’re all crammed together working at this workhorse of a kitchen table. with papers strewn between us, this Pursuing One breathes hope and i am overcome with perplexity and gratitude. in this moment, amidst this mundane, she grasps my true heart towards her and speaks it forth. in her words, i grasp her true heart towards mine and my heart swells with the joy found amidst papers and assignments and drudgery.

oh my Lord-

i have beheld Your Glory.

for understanding | charactor

November 22, 2014 / mel

Sifting through the pains of my recent influx of misunderstandings, i am becoming aware of the sting related to having my words misinterpreted from a deficient knowledge of my character.
and then there is the deeper pain of having my character misinterpreted because of misunderstanding my words or my actions, my absence of words or my absence of actions.

i’ve found myself in some difficult passages of scripture lately and this is how things went the other day;

me: ranting and raving about how what i’m reading seems so cruel.

Christ-do you see how you are misunderstanding Me?

me: oof….sigh

here i am allowing my confusion to lead me into questioning the Faithful One’s character. and so it goes with everyone else. i do this to others and they do it to me and it hurts.

some source this quote to Plato, others to Ian MacLaren (http://quoteinvestigator.com)

the Word made flesh has invited me to view His word through what I know of His Character rather than view His character through what i’m struggling with in His word.

and he’s offering me salve for the wounds i’m carrying; that pain when people think bad things about me because I’ve made their favor my goal.

Come now, My love. My lovely one, come.
Come to Me, My weary, My burdened one, come.

I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your soul.

to draw further in: Isaiah 43; Matthew 11:28-30; Song of Songs 2:10-14(NJB)

for understanding | composition

November 17, 2014 / mel

Her eyes give away the anxiousness mixed with anticipation. in her thoughts she reminds herself that her God is both good and sovereign and can be trusted with what He gives and where He leads.

Photo taken at a Quilt Show in 2011. I do not know the artist’s name.

composing those words and this picture amidst a scene of other excited travelers embarking on a wonderful week-long artist retreat in Normandy France would carry the statements about God into a specific place in a receiver’s heart.

composing those words and this picture amidst a scene of bomb-destroyed rubble and other weary and frightened travelers embarking on a long journey to a refugee camp would carry the statements about God into a very different place in the receiver’s heart.

same words, same picture. different understanding.

the places that the Lord is inviting me- you know, those places of feeling inept, the pain of being misunderstood, of struggling with communication. i have become aware of a myriad of ways this is playing out in my life these days. Providentially showing up it seems everywhere i turn. and so my Father has my attention and i am seeing various places for tearing down idols and building up strength in Him. so here i am with another unplanned series.

today is a lesson in composition.

i have mastered enough of the English language to effectively use words to communicate.

however, that composition thing-the way words filter in through the composition of a person’s life and land where they will within that– Jesus alone is master of the skill of weaving words perfectly and personally, getting to the individual heart of things. He is also the master of the skill of giving enough detail in such a way to gain understanding. me-i am inept at all of that. and so if anything i say is to be understood the way it is meant to be understood-He will have to intervene. and if anything i say is to be understood the way HE means it to be, He will have to intervene there too.

…”for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

and so the Master Communicator invites me to pray over my words….

….and then release them into His capable hands.

Winnie-the-Pooh and Inner Joy

November 7, 2014 / mel

My son has Sensory Processing Disorder and as part of his therapy we have used The Engine Program. He has three different engine possibilities and for the sake of understanding we labeled them; Tigger (high), Pooh (perfect), Eeyore (low). His engine is not the same as his emotions-it’s part of his processing of the world. If his engine is Pooh, he can deal with sadness and disappointment in a healthy, typical way. If his engine is Eeyore, however, that same sadness or disappointment would crush him, in fact anything and everything crushes him when his Engine is Eeyore. It’s hard to put words around it, but we all who have witnessed these different ‘Engines’ understand. So we do check-in’s regularly and prescribe appropriate therapies to return to a Pooh level if needed. and those seasons that find him bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, not able to regulate-those require a diligent daily Sensory Diet until he is able to maintain that Pooh level again. Another thing to note here is that the therapies always have a delayed effectiveness-i have never found it to be immediate.

I like Pooh, I have ever since I was a little girl…..i interrupt this post to bring you a brief reminder on how wonderful the Pooh stories are…..

It was a drowsy summer afternoon, and the Forest was full of gentle sounds, which all seemed to be saying to Pooh, “Don’t listen to Rabbit, listen to me.” So he got into a comfortable position for not listening to Rabbit…..

–In Which Tigger is Unbounced by A. A. Milne

moving on….

bird

I’ve been studying the beginnings of Israel’s wilderness wanderings. Growing in understanding of Who the Lover of my soul is, and the truth that He is my only Hope, my only Security. Knowing that the more i grasp the truth of this, the more i am free to enjoy the withering grass and fading flowers. Freed from the requirement of comforts in order to experience JOY. Enjoying a thing vs. being enslaved by a thing -oh it is truly for freedom that He Has Come.

Hpim1093

With those thoughts percolating for a few weeks, on Sunday I find myself listening to wisdom from Solomon. and among the nuggets of truth, these words are read aloud and i catch my breath.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

-2 Corinthians 4:7-10

This is what it means for me, a Christian-to have an Engine that is Pooh!

those years of therapies culminate for me on this day into a real object lesson that i can grasp.

when my Engine is Pooh, i possess an inner joy and inner strength. and i can be hard pressed, but not crushed, perplexed, but not abandoned. But when i’m bouncing between Tigger and Eeyore, Tigger and Eeyore, i need a ‘daily sensory diet’ to get my Engine regulated. The effectiveness isn’t always immediate for me either. this Engine is still a bit of an unpredictable mystery even after all these years. but consistent and daily therapies do produce results. Over time i’m given Power to Grasp, and that Freedom that truly sets me free. and my Engine maintains at Pooh on a more regular basis.

and when it doesn’t i meditate on words like these:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy He has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power…in this You greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

-1 Peter 1:3-9

To draw further in; Exodus 19 and 20, slowing down especially on 19:3-13; 1 Kings 3:7-10; 11:1-6; Ecclesiastes 11-12

An Unexpected Journey-headed north

August 6, 2014 / mel

hope has been restored and that is a big thing.

We’ve left the Dear Ones in the South that i come from, and head to the North to Dear Ones on the other side.

We’ve traveled from the heat of the desert to the cool of the mountains. i’m physically fatigued-but spiritually restored and that makes all the difference. still, i’ve caught the older one’s sickness.

because, of course.

the choice is presented for a 6 mile hike and really it’s foolish to even consider. this cold, or flu, or whatever it is, carries with it a cough and shortness of breath as it is. but-we’re at a family reunion-and we’re in S. Dakota. and there are all the people. and i just think that it seems we are sick every time we travel and so i could stay in bed and rest to get better or i could go and do things i can’t do at home with people i very rarely see.

so i go.

and since i have one son who can run a mile in 7 minutes and it takes just the glimpse of where we are going for him to loose awareness of anything else but that-he starts hiking. Jeremy, working to keep up with him, calls back to me and my youngest that he’ll keep track of this one if i keep track of that one. it makes sense, i’m sick and the one with me is our slow and steady one. but …. in the haste we forget that Jeremy is carrying all of our water and food.

and i wonder if i will make it.

it is glorious. and so worth it.

of course when i get back to camp i limp over to our camper and crash. and now it is plainly obvious to everyone that i am sick and getting sicker. and there are a few naysayers who call my choice the foolishness that it is. the words don’t stick. a day without regrets has been redefined.