settling – Page 3 – Chasing Joy

Category: settling (page 3 of 4)

An Unexpected Journey-headed south

August 4, 2014 / mel

mimi colorado

the heat of the sun soaks into the broken van. stuck there at exit 49 along the Colorado River and the kids aren’t quite sure what to think or say-so they sit there with big eyes and quick obedience. i cry and pray that the tears will stop once the phone does find a signal and i am required to communicate clearly where we are and what we need. i drain the car battery trying to keep the dying phone alive. my phone’s charge lasts long enough to connect with roadside assistance, and there is nothing left to connect with my husband who is all the way back home.

Howard the tow-truck driver is on his way. the kids help me pack up the car and get ready. i tear my favorite pants on the guard-rail. i answer their questions as best i can; -the tow truck is coming-he will get us to the nearest city. some Dear Ones –who were adventuring themselves and aren’t too far away-are coming to help too.

after dumping the van-Howard drops us off at a dairy queen to await our coming help. i breathe deep at the sight of the elementary school across the way. we get our ice cream and walk over to wait.

and i am thankful for the elementary school playground and ice cream. and for Howard who was so very kind. thankful for the exit 49 so i could be off the highway. thankful for the husband on the phone who is so very kind too. thankful for the finding of a hotel-a fancy shmancy hotel-for cheap. the term Travel Mercies is being redefined.

still, here i am

with all these decisions to make. lots and lots of decisions. i have this complex and difficult history with decisions that adds to the struggle. i’ve begun to understand this about me.

i wake in the night to hear her tossing and turning. the thermometer reads 102. she says her throat hurts bad. i’ve nothing to offer for relief and no transportation. i do what i can to make her comfortable, taking her cot and giving her the bed. the boys sleep soundly through it all, it’s all a grand adventure and these detours are nothing to lose sleep over- to them.

i flex and make a new plan for tomorrow;

pick up rental go to urgent care
pick up rental
stop at transmission shop.
sell car to the junk yard.
get back on our way? or just go home?

we all decide that continuing on is the wise choice. there are cousins to connect with and a new cousin to meet. the kids have no idea how hard this all is. all these decisions made with limited information and limited sleep. they are good sports and enjoy themselves regardless of what i choose.

the sick one spends her days in bed while the boys and their cousin play in their fort. grandma stays behind, because though my sick one is 14, i won’t let her be sick on her own. we girls, as we’ve been called for years and years, spend rare hours together. the ruts in the road are well worn and try as we might to forge a new path these ruts are deep, compounded by distance and lack of time for tending. i realize this as we have time for talking, brief moments to share from our hearts. i tread lightly-testing the ground as i go to see if it is safe to move forward. sometimes it is and i share deeply. sometimes it isn’t and i hold back. sometimes i forget about the testing and self-editing and realize after the places that cause discomfort for them and for me. there are moments to ponder that these are the ones who have known me the longest….yet, in some ways, hardly know me at all.

my prayers are reduced to groaning. i’m losing my footing and beginning to forget what i know. i’m spending time with family by day and tending to a sick teenager by night. the fog creeps in and my body shifts into survival, physical and spiritual fatigue takes its toll. the One who knows and understands everything, He breaks through the fog and gives strength to keep going and keep loving and keep engaging. to listen and seek to know, without seeking to be known.

“in times like these,” He encourages, “it’s no longer about being in the word every day. it’s about living the word every moment.”

still, despite the personal victory won of remaining engaged, other hopes fade and begin to die out.

i take a risk and share with a friend;

“it’s just hard to see any hope of anything else but this ever.”

he replies;

“Don’t give up hope. God is big.”

as our travel shifts to the North, my eyes and heart begin to take in hope. those words spoken by a fellow traveler are life giving. the fog lifts if only a little. my eyes catch glimpses of hope in unexpected places. i grab the camera and my pen, because i want to remember both the bigness of my God and the way He speaks.

“I AM your feast, in the presence of enemies...” (via jon foreman/psalm 23)

a tree-growing out of the rock. planted and tended and grown by the Only One who could.

words that press in just the right places:

Oh child, I have searched and known you!
I know when you sit down and when you rise up;
I discern your thoughts from afar.
I search out your path and your lying down and Am acquainted with all your ways.
Even before a word is on your tongue, behold, I the LORD, know it altogether.
I hem you in, behind and before and I lay My Hand upon you.
(psalm 139)

He is big.
Bask in the hope of His Bigness
Behold it.
Bask in the Wonder of being searched, known, and treasured.

and then, seriously, i’m walking under Mt. Rushmore’s hall of flags and i look up and see this!! It’s Rhode Island’s flag, in case anyone wants to know. the 13th state. Admitted to the Union in 1790

“And this hope is an anchor to our very soul, because He who promised is Faithful.”

on leadership

May 13, 2014 / mel

One of my volunteers standing in the kitchen says to me;

“shall i put the strawberries in the fridge?”

“uh….sure?”

And i walk away shaking my head at the both of us. If she thinks the strawberries should go in the fridge, then just put them there-why ask me for permission? And me? Why when the question comes my way do i find myself stuck completely unsure of the answer? It’s the simplest question ever. But, of course. i must begin thinking about how i just discovered that tomatoes are better if not refrigerated…hmm…is that true about strawberries? i don’t know. What. In. the. World. Is. Wrong. With. Me? Just pick an answer-yes or no-it doesn’t matter! It’s just strawberries for crying out loud!

There are bigger decisions to make this week and bigger areas of leadership than the strawberries. And i seem to fumble along the same in all the scenarios. It’s all a bit much.

Driving home i ponder who’s brilliant idea it was anyway to put me in charge.

Oh yeah
It was Him-the One who names the stars.

if you are obeying only when it makes sense, you’re refusing to admit the wisdom differential between you and God. That’s not obedience, that’s agreement. -Gary Glover

When i’m asking Him to make sense of the assignment, i want to both understand the wisdom in it and see tangible fruit in the outcome. To get to really see that it ‘worked!’

And this is a joy-sucker

Because there are way too many variables in life to insure or predict outcomes of anything.

And if my satisfaction and joy come solely from results? Than the lack there-of will suck the joy right away. And if results happen? Then my joy will be resting on shaky ground.

And as to making sense of the assignment? That for me often means agreeing that i am the one for the job. and if i lose sight of my dependence, then my joy will be resting on shaky ground.

And anyway, the words the Lord continues to whisper to me day in and day out are these:

You don’t know. You don’t need to know.

He’s not asking me for agreement; He’s asking me for obedience….He’s asking me to Trust. Him.

becuse this Trust of Him
is a link to Joy.
To the Joy of simply having obeyed.

How?

It boils down to that whole wisdom differential-
trust of the One who does really know everything.
trust rested on the solid ground of Who God Is and What He has Promised.

For He who promised is Faithful.

And that’s really all i need to know.

for when i forget what i know

May 6, 2014 / mel

For you created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

He came to her as she meditated on His knitting. He came to her with joy and assurance as her belly grew. as she and her first born looked at all the photos of the stages of a baby being formed-and marveled at His work.

until……

“i wish i wasn’t me” -zeke age 5

what about when the knitting needles missed a stitch along the way and one is left with a broken body?
when your 5 year old is speaking words that sound too much like suicide?
what then?

He came to her with His words

“not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord Almighty” -zech 4:6

and He came to her with a song in the dark hours of those hard days
(because He knows how the songs work for her)

the Love of God is greater far than tongue or pen can ever tell….

and she believed Him.

and He strengthened her.

and He made her to believe His love was in fact greater and deeper and beyond the body that was broken.

and it never occurred to her
not even once
to pray for healing.

last night it occurred to me, that it had never occurred to me to pray for healing.

and now that it had
would i pray?
knowing all the ways we’ve known His deep and great love
as a result of
this broken body that belongs to zeke?

he’s 11 now.

and weeks before this most recent insight, i was given another.

how of all my children-this one has the most freedom to be fully himself in the presence of others.

and i’ve pondered that for a while-perplexed a bit at how in the world that came to be true? and how in the world can i help my other 2 along the path?

but last night as i listened to the question that formed (inside my head) with it’s accusations; “why did you not ever pray for him to be healed? do you not have faith? even through a year of studying all the ways Jesus healed in the book of Matthew-it didn’t come to mind then. why? what does that say about you? what does that say about your love for your son?”

there are a lot of lies mixed in with doubts mixed in with perplexity at the initial questions. and as i sat there clueless. the piano began to play the familiar words that would come to me all those years ago…

oh Love of God
how great and pure
how measureless and strong….

Who is this God? who hears the thought churning inside my head-that no one else hears? who moves the hands of a pianist to play the very words that my heart understands. words that only He could know would soothe and remind of what is true?

the longer i live, the less answers i have.

but one thing i have come to understand is this

God’s love is real.
it’s measureless
it’s strong.
it’s constant
and is not expressed in the way that i think so much of the time.

i praise You because zeke is fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
i know that full well.

my frame was not hidden from you
when i was made in the secret place.
all the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them! -psalm 139

(please don’t misunderstand, i in no way mean to imply whether or not prayer for healing is ‘good’ or ‘bad’. i still don’t know why we never thought to pray for healing for my zeke, or if we will begin praying for this. it’s not really about that. this post is about being settled -yet again- in the midst of doubt and confusion-and attack. being settled-yet again- into the love of a Father who knows everything.)

grasping

March 7, 2014 / mel

wonderstruck without words
at who You are
look up, You beckon
look up at the vastness
and remember the sky
and the way it reminds you of the vastness
of My love for you.
a knowing….that surpasses knowledge. (what does that even mean??)

And i pray that you, being rooted and established

in love,

may have power…. to grasp

how wide and long and high and deep is

the love of Christ

and to know this love that surpasses knowledge

that you may be filled to the measure of all

the fullness of God.

Now,

to Him who is able

to do immeasurably more

than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him

be glory for ever and ever!

Amen. ephesians 3:17-21

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

melting

February 20, 2014 / mel

“What do you want?”

…….

the accusations and temptations to do more/have more
and the accusations and temptations to do less/have less

who can know what it is they are to do?

i’ve been personally becoming aware of the whole identity thing….
and had a couple of meltdowns over the state of the lives of the 5 living here in this home
….and the state of this home
and some meltdowns over the state of the lives living outside of us, the state of this dying world.

this week in Matthew-we are in chapters 19-21

been also studying David and Saul and struck by (read: identifying with) Saul and his crisis of identity and battle with envy….and the picture of what he becomes-it’s not even human anymore.

……..

days go by and time alone to sit at the feet of the One who gives the best counsel and listens and knows everything…..the days go one after the other after the other and there is none. and the world shouts in my ears and i forget what is true and meltdowns partner with striving and there is no peace inside.

until today. and i sit with this question:

“What do you want?”

and i just don’t have a clue what the answer to that is.

but He does.

and so He shows me:

tho i have not seen Him, i love Him, and even though i do not see Him now, i believe in Him and am filled w/an inexpressible and glorious joy. for i am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.

what do i want? joy. unspeakable, inexpressible and glorious joy.

and all my striving and pining and trying to figure it all out what to do and what not to do and where to live and where not to live and how to live and how not to live
is all a frantic search for this joy.

it doesn’t come as i think it will. those words in 1 Peter were written to….

God’s elect, strangers in the world, scattered…..who have been chosen (through the sanctifying work of the Spirit)
for obedience to Jesus Christ.

i don’t like being a stranger. i don’t like being scattered. i don’t always like obeying.

melt me with Your beauty, melt me with the truth of who You are and who i am. the truth of the real goal of my faith-vs. the lesser things i make it. the real source of joy vs. the lesser things i’m pining for

Restore to me the Joy of Your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. -psalm 51

for further melting….in a beautiful way:

When Life has Taught You to Run Past its Best Conversations

Being a Closet Radical

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

in This place?

December 13, 2013 / mel

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it! Genesis 28:16

i come in the door grumbling grumbling.

we’ve been spending ourselves this week on behalf of Isaiah 58 people.

the exhaustion is beginning to take it’s toll.

Wednesday, i was at the dentist sitting in the chair next to my daughter and the hygienist completely lost in October’s National Geographic. So much so that they kept asking me questions and talking to me and i was completely oblivious with my head in the pictures of N. Korea and the Congo. Finally my daughter yells out; “MOM! It’s time to go!” i look up and they are both staring at me as if they maybe had mentioned this already a couple of times??

late last night, somewhere between pulling into the driveway and my front door, i lost the car keys.

still, i left that to the light of the next day and attempted to make a birthday cake for my daughter. the pan tipped and spilled half-baked cake all over the oven.

i plop myself down on the couch to try that too again tomorrow and look out my window…..no lights.

those dang squirrels chewed a bulb off-now only ¼ of them light up.

after rehearsing spelling words with my 3^rd grader in the car this morning and shooing him off with a story to remember why there is a silent K in front of Knight, i drive home and the grumbling begins to rumble and spill out within.

pulling into the driveway and i remember those dang lights. and in my grumbling profanity over the lights welled up within and dang wasn’t the word i wanted to use.

i told myself it was silly to speak so about Christmas lights.

i am a complete mess.

last night driving home the words to myself were instead; “i am a complete fool.”

all the volunteers for this week are looking to me to lead them. my children are looking to me to lead them. profanity wells up within about that.

grumbling all the way i plop myself down and am irritated that the whole wide world seems to go on without needing to stop in front of the King of Kings, the Wonder of a Counselor, but no, not i. i am desperate and needy. and completely irritated at that fact. (do you see it? those lies that are such nonsense, but man, in the moment they seem so true.)

and he’s working hard, that infuriated accuser. he’s giving it all he’s got to keep me right here. exhausted and irritated. profaning the Son of God and His provision….or perceived lack there of.

flipping over the promise chart-i read these words:

The Promise of Victory

“Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.” 1 john 5:5

oh and those words begin to do their work.

i make my tea and block out the rest of the accusations about how this chai has too much sugar and i’m on December 8^th in ‘The Greatest Gift” so i should just give it up.

I open Ann’s new book to page 65

The only words on the page staring up at me are these:

Surely the Lord was in this place, and I wasn’t even aware of it. Genesis 28:16

and i sit and let these tidings of comfort wash over me, lingering before turning the page for more.

(if you don’t have the book-the focus on the reading is Genesis 28:10-16-read that and the rest will make sense i think?)

You can feel it…..like life’s this stairway that you just never stop climbing…..Like all these lists are rungs, like your failures stretch from earth to heaven, like all your rest feels like lying down on one unforgiving stone.

-Ann Voskamp The Greatest Gift p.68

and the tears that fill my eyes blur the rest of the words on the page.

the bugs and the foolishness and the cake and the congo and it all does feel like rest* on one unforgiving stone.

and today, i need my King to be a Victorious King, and my Shepherd to be a gentle Shepherd, and my Counselor to be a Wonder of a Counselor. He is all those things and so very much more.

Love has come.

daily rescuing.

daily saving.

daily strengthening.

daily quenching.

daily loving, oh how deeply loving with the very word needed-even if it’s ‘technically’ days behind schedule.

sigh. the grumbling and profanity** has stopped. although i would not complain if the neighborhood boys did some target practice on some squirrels.

Holy Holy Holy

Lord God Almighty

Merciful and Mighty

in This very place

Holy Holy Holy

are You,

my Love.

my only Hope.

my only source of Strength.

my true Rest.

*He taught me about rest. I sat in Matthew pondering these two verses side by side (11:28-30 and 13:22) and i did think of blogging on it-but the words have been hard to pin down these days-maybe soon?

** Also quoted in Ann’s book these word of Elizabeth Elliot; “[Profanity] is treating as meaningless that which is freighted with meaning. Treating as common that which is hallowed. Regarding as a mere triviality what is really a divine design. Profanity is failure to see the inner mystery.” p.69 in The Greatest Gift.
my profanity was actually not in the words i wanted to speak over the Christmas lights, it went so much deeper than that.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

The Lord, my Shepherd

November 24, 2013 / mel

North Carolina sky

God is my shepherd

i won’t be wanting

i won’t be wanting

He makes me rest in fields of green. by quiet streams

even while i’m walking…… thru the valley……… of death and dying.

i will not fear, cause You are with me, You’re always with me.

i don’t even know how to write this post. how to paint the picture for you to understand how those words nourish in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

in the middle of the week as i lay in bed, unable to sleep because of the trauma of the day, i recited the entire thing to myself over and over and over again.

this week was full of heart wrenching struggles. the possibility that my neighbors (little) dog would have to be put down because of my (very big) dog jumping the fence. rejoicing over that outcome (she made it through surgery and will be ok) and stressing over a now large bill to pay and new fence to build from a small bank account. the time at the day center for homeless families sitting alongside a man with his head in his hands weeping over the news of his little boy far away-6 yrs. old and both legs amputated. my pregnant sister in the hospital again. too far away for me to visit.

and a month ago, in the middle of our flood, i buy a ticket that will take me to the other side of the US for the weekend. i couldn’t see into the future to be sure that it would be ok to go. i just had to trust that it would be.

it’s not really. but i’m going anyway.

when we booked the flight/car/hotel i couldn’t see thousands of miles away what the hotel we were choosing would be like. i just had to choose one.

here’s where the words fail me.

so i’ll just say that i needed my Shepherd to comfort me and make me rest when the fields weren’t green at all and there were no quiet streams. i never noticed till now that following that wonderful image (i mean can’t you just see in your mind those fields and the stream?)…following that

is the valley.

of death and dying.

David says he won’t fear.

why?

because His Shepherd is with him,

He’s always with him.

well, my Shepherd did make me rest in spite of the lack of green or quiet. and i thanked Him so very much. That His presence was constant and this weekend could still be a time of rest and refreshment…even here.

but then

in the middle of the night

bugs

bugs crawling on me. all these little bugs crawling around in my bed. suffice it to say. i freak out. and i leave. and through my sobs i manage to find myself a more suitable place to stay.

…………………………………………

i don’t even know.

here i am. this week? i have nothing. i know nothing.

and at 2 am far from home i’m wrestling with deep stuff. i wanted rest.

Whole only comes after broken. Healing only comes after wounds. Are you willing to go a bit further and see?…….It doesn’t mean that God is trying to teach us a lesson in our difficulty. Perhaps He is simply creating a masterpiece. -emily freeman – a million little ways p. 104, 105

perhaps He is creating a masterpiece.

am i willing to go a bit further and see?

man the wrestling is hard work. and i won’t be attending the Barn event rested. i’ll be attending quite fragile and quite simply exhausted i predict.

but the beauty (masterpiece?) of this weekend is that i never questioned

that He was with me

the entire time.

When i couldn’t find words, only sobbs-the Spirit translated my groans for me.

when i began to condemn myself He brought to mind just the thing i needed. (one example: condemning myself for freaking out over the bugs and not just toughing it out-and i remembered Corrie ten Boom and the biting flies. she’d put up with much thus far in that concentration camp –but the flies were too much for her too.)

He shows me that there are quiet streams here too, in this valley of death and dying. He sticks in my mind jon foreman’s words: “Two things you told me: that You are strong and You love me…..yes You love me.”

and

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. (matthew 10)

and internet at the new hotel so i can stream pandora and have music to drown out any lies the enemy wants to whisper.

Yes. He is my Shepherd.

i won’t be wanting.

And this same God who takes care of me

will supply all your needs

from His glorious riches,

which have been given to us

in Christ Jesus.

(Philippians something i think)

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

gains and losses

November 20, 2013 / mel

the contrast of two clock towers – London, England

Those who have attained everlasting life in the vision of God doubtless know very well that it is no mere bribe, but the very consummation of their earthly discipleship; but we who have not yet attained it cannot know this in the same way, and cannot even begin to know it at all except by continuing to obey and finding the first reward of our obedience in our increasing power to desire the ultimate reward. Just in proportion as the desire grows, our fear lest it should be a mercenary desire will die away and finally be recognized as an absurdity. But probably this will not, for most of us, happen in a day; poetry replaces grammar, gospel replaces law, longing transforms obedience, as gradually as the tide lifts a grounded ship.
-C.S. Lewis from “The Weight of Glory”

so we’ve spent some time as a family talking about things. this house. school choices. life choices. about what we lose by staying put, and what we gain. because that’s just it. every choice comes with both losses and gains. the school choices are still in process-one has to move on as he’s entering 6th grade next year. but everyone, everyone, wanted to stay put in this very house.

at that meeting-when i spoke-passion welled up from within and spilled out and the words, they. just. came.

that i’m all in with regards to the ministry. we’re all in.

and i can’t speak for my family-and it doesn’t seem like any of them were in a place of questioning it all anyway- but something has shifted in me. this process of late has culminated with an inner shift.

nothing has changed without, but within poetry is replacing grammar and longing is transforming obedience.

this life we are living is beginning to look like art.

for today, this is where we will stay and do art.

my heart is growing in contentment more consistently.

i’ve always had this problem of pining away for something other than whatever it is that i have. maybe it’s the growing up in a military family where moving was the norm rather than staying put? the thanksgiving lists help refocus my vision. but the restlessness for something other is always there. this Spirit given shift has not removed my restlessness completely-there will always be that this side of heaven as it is heaven that my heart is longing for? but the restlessness that comes from wanting a different picture painted, a different outcome, a different process, and if i really dig deep enough and am honest, the restlessness? it’s restlessness wanting a different me.

i wrote a bit ago that art + no shame = joy.

i have been living ashamed of my art.

ashamed of my home

ashamed of what i do with my time, or don’t do with my time

ashamed of the gospel (i know it is the power of God for those who believe, ….. but still often i am ashamed of it)

ashamed of my writing (the reason i haven’t really told anyone about this blog?)

ashamed of…….

that grounded ship of shame is being lifted by the tide

and my understanding of art is deepening

and the joy i’ve been running hard after

that traveling joy that Jesus promised could not be taken

it’s not been found in where i thought it would be

the tide rolls it in and deposits it on the shore of my heart as the shame is lifted out.

and so yes, i’m in. all in.

the secondary gains and losses ever present

but with shame lost?

JOY gained

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Passover…and He never lets go

March 28, 2013 / mel / 0 Comments

this playing

dishes sudsing

energy given for the washing

artist girl creating for school

trip to the library set 2 boys to reading

silent night, holy night, all. is. calm.

it’s been crazy around here

for such a long long time.

we missed passover last year when we spent the whole Holy week serving

and stood in awe at what the One who never lets go grasped hold of….

letting us participate-fear and trembling all the way.

now, the anniversary- oh what a year-barely time for breathing.

and i sat exhausted in this place yesterday. pleading.

pleading for energy to not give up on our thursday passover seder*

the kids. oh how they love it. oh the depth it adds. oh the work.

breathe in grace to just pick up a rotisserie, throw in some frozen broccoli and call the meal done.

knowing its all the other pieces that take. us. deep.

choosing to fit it in.

i hate that.

it feels like we are choosing to fit remembrance of You into living for You….(or is it living for us?)

exhaustion is never a good time for figuring these things out.

so tonight. i breathe deep. breathe in the calm. praise for the energy to wash up…

and to actually bake something. (is apple pie kosher??)

praise for the prayers answered…i almost missed it-forgetting i’d prayed, forgetting what i asked for, and the moment almost passed me by without notice.

but it didn’t. You opened my eyes and let me see this….

silent night, holy night.

all is calm, all is bright.

You came. You passed-over.

You never let go.

*not an affiliate link- just the kit i bought years ago.

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Same

March 21, 2013 / mel / 0 Comments

we are the same, you and me.

you long for the skin-scratching momma of yours to be free from dying the slow and painful death she is inflicting on herself.

i long for the medal-collecting daddy of mine to be free from living the slow and painful life he is inflicting on himself.

they are both addicts-just addicted to different things.

and we are daughters, you and me. who just wanted our parents to parent us. we have holes and they have holes and we’re all just broken.

but then i ponder about what is different. and i feel like a great big fool for even thinking i am the same. i the one who complains about washing peed-in sheets for the umpteenth time and 2 days without a toilet. You just long for a home to wash sheets in….and then when it comes, just something to sit on-any random apparatus will do– and i think–how offensive for me to even think we are the same-i have so so much more. and i accept the challenge “to stand in awe at what the poor have to carry rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it.”

but the hole is the same, and the sin struggle is the same, and the brokenness is the same.

the need for Jesus is the same.

i am just a fool. and i have no clue how to love well.

it all gets tangled up and complicated spinning a web inside my head.

and if i sit in the web long enough-i make vows to myself not to come your way again, just to stay away because i’m just making it all worse. we are so different after all.

then my real Father comes to me. and He whispers; “it never was about you loving well, relating well.

duh. (yes, i do think He says ‘duh’ to me)

just love.

this friend I’ve given you.

because I love you the same.”

Original post blogged on b2evolution.

Category: settling (page 3 of 4)

An Unexpected Journey-headed south

on leadership

for when i forget what i know

grasping

melting

in This place?

The Lord, my Shepherd

gains and losses

Passover…and He never lets go

Same

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